I voted for “I’d be taken aback but would not necessarily dump the person.”
People have a right to be racist, I suppose.
Can I have my cookie now?
I wouldn’t necessarily dump him, but how big a freak out would he have when he sees pictures of me with my clearly latino great-grandparents and grandfather, or my mom mentions that one of her great-grandfathers was black? I get attitude from people who get mad when I point out that I’m not all Irish like they think, and they’re not even racists who might well think I’m trying to trick them by letting them assume I’m as white as I look…
I have noticed the following pattern a couple of times:
Someone has issues socializing and being popular, going back to childhood. Develops some hangups. Grows older, starts dating, and some forms of those hangups making dating fairly disastrous. Because of ethnohomogeneity they mostly are in contact with folk of the same race/ethnicity and because of proximity that’s mostly with whom the disastrous dates have occurred.
Later, this someone discovers that when interacting with people outside of that group, their different appearance and perhaps some associated cultural differences causes a lot of the “hangups triggers” to not fire so much. It’s like a fresh start. Goes on some dates and hey! Nice!
Subsequent dates with the original person’s ethno group leads to the discovery that the hangup triggers are still there. Being with one’s own ethno/racial group starts up those old destructive patterns of interaction; the fresh start thing isn’t carrying over, the old patterns are old habits and show up in any context that isn’t Other.
It still isn’t a sign of overall good psychological health, but note that it isn’t really about the persons being dated, or about the persons NOT being dated for that matter; it’s about the person doing the dating. Someone recognizing that they themselves are no good at trying to be in a dating relationship with people of their own group.
I am the type of person described in the OP.
I am caucasian. All throughout my late teens and early twenties, I dated “white” guys. I found them (and still do) physically attractive. I was, at that time, not too hard on the eyes myself and had no trouble attracting the kinds of guys you see in shaving commercials: eye-popping, drool worthy alpha males.
These dates always ended up fizzling somewhere between 2nd and 3rd base. After a dozen or so serious attempts at dating, I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me. Those guys must have been wondering if I was an impotent 24 year old. I knew I wasn’t because I had no trouble getting aroused while alone and fantasizing. But when it came time to actually perform, there was no sizzle in my steak. Or if there was, it quickly died down right around 3rd base.
Then sometime in my late 20’s, I decided to go downtown and place a dating classified. This was back in the stone ages when people still put personal ads in newspapers. The guy at the classifieds desk was a young Korean, not particularly handsome by most standards. But he mesmerized me. It hit me like a freight train. I couldn’t stop ogling even though I knew it was creating a rather awkward situation. I lost my train of thought and my sentences abruptly dead-ended several time through out the encounter.
Fast forward 15 years and here we are. In spite of what my eyes think looks good, my involuntary faculties apparently have other plans. Caucasian guys just don’t get me randy. The more unlike me a person is, the more likely I will be able to get the hots for them.
So it’s not a conscious decision for me, and I don’t see anything wrong with it. I take issue where the OP describes this as “categorically refus[ing] to become romantically involved with anyone of their own race” because I see it as just not wanting to waste a person’s time if I know it’s not going to go anywhere.
An acceptable thing done for odious reasons can be immoral, I think.
If I tell you the truth about something in order to hurt you, I’m acting immorally even if the truth is a good thing.
Hmm. Do you see this in the thread or in real life? I suppose I see that in white dudes only dating Asian girls (much more prevalent on the West than East coast, IMO), but not so much with other groups. Do you see this with your immediate friends? In most interracial marriages I’m acquainted with, the couple didn’t date outside their own race until they dated their spouse, there was no pattern so to speak.
Here is another. I generally don’t date Indian guys. I think I *might *date an Indian guy who has the same priorities as me, but to be honest, I only ever met one in my whole life, and we were both in relationships - me with a Chinese guy, and him with a white girl.
I want:
- distance from our families. I am quite willing to be *closer *to his, but I still want some distance.
- no children. this is generally a dealbreaker with the Indian men I’ve known.
- While sometimes, very rarely, I do want to go to temple or garbha or something else, most of the time I like to avoid the society, too.
Indian men are social, they love their mothers very dearly, and most of them want children. Our priorities just don’t line up.
Plus, I feel I have learned so much from being in an interracial relationship that at this point I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I don’t agree that sharing the truth is always a good thing, which I see as evidence that you and I are approaching the issue from different angles.
My answer would remain the same.
I would shrug it off. I would ask why, out of curiosity. I would expect an answer like “That’s just what I like.” But if there was some reason, it might be something you discuss, but whatever reason, I would even expect it to rise to the level of “issues.”
I would only date outside of my race if I weren’t married (interracial btw) although I have no issues about my own race, have dated in and out of my race. And my answer would be that’s just what I prefer, both physically and culturally.
I have a friend who is Asian British(Indian parents). She says she doesn’t like Asian men and in fact wants to date white guys only.
When questioned why? She doesn’t like the mentality of a lot of Asian men, which she agrees is tarring everyone with the same brush, but she went into to detail of some of the cultural stuff she disagrees with, much more likely to be present in Asian guys than white British guys. As for wanting to date white guys, she just has a type. She also prefers skinny men to muscly, and sees this as the same thing.
As for me, I wouldn’t care particularly. As long as my partner wants to be with me.
I’ve seen it a few times. White guys who can only get it to work with nonwhite gals. Likewise the inverse, white girls who say they’re just incompatible with white guys. Also, Jewish folk who will only date or hook up with non-jewish partners. And one Iranian girl who won’t have anything to do with Iranian guys (says she turns into somebody she’s not around Iranian guys)
Ah, you’re in Manhattan. Much bigger sample selection than lowly Pittsburgh. Have you noticed those who refuse to date their own race/ethnicity getting married to someone of a different race/ethnicity? Or is it too soon to tell?
I so appreciate that this discussion has included Asians, Hispanics, Indians and White ethnics . So frequently it becomes about simply black and white and man there’s so much more to the story than simply that.
I was married for years to a Black woman… and mostly dated Black women. Currently I’m not. This has rekindled experiences of walking into a restaurant and getting those eyes… I think after a certain point you give up your declarations and try and find someone who makes you happy. Less political… more happiness.
I think what Philip Roth wrote in “The Human Stain” still sticks out to me… something to the effect of… When did I sign up to the declarations of one race…one group… when do I get to be my own free independent thinker?? No group owns you… you are free and willing to make your own choices…
This is it, really. For those of you whom it would bother, why? I mean, why do you care if I don’t date Indian guys, so long as I am happy dating YOU?
My wife’s Panamanian, and never dated a Panamanian guy for the same reason, and also because it seems to be the norm for Panamanian men to have a wife and at least one girlfriend.
I wouldn’t care. There are reasons people are attracted to the type they are; some reasons are stupid, some are personal, but they’re their reasons. Who am I to judge?
My father, who’s white, was my mother’s, who’s black, first and only boyfriend. She told me she simply wasn’t attracted to black guys.