Would you let your daughter spend the night with friend and single dad?

[Rushgeekgirl]

The only way I’d let my daughter spend the night is if we were already really good friends and I felt I could trust you. I’m a single mom though, so hey, we could always have our own tea party wink wink nudge nudge.

[Rushgeekgirl]

@DarkDungeonDenizen

From the OP- the dad was pretty clear that no woman around= DANGER!

People who were molested as children grow up to have fears other people might find irrational. My initial instinct was a HELL NO, I would not let my child spend the night unsupervised with a man, even if he has a child of similar age. But I don’t know how close he is to this other parent. If we hardly knew each other my kid isn’t going to be spending the night even if a woman is there. With her having autism and a past traumatic sexual assault I’m a bit protective. I’m just saying it might not be so crazy that she perceives this as a possible danger.

[bengangmo]

@Rhiannon8404

I also find it interesting that you called the mother, but it was the father who called you back. Is is wife not allowed to talk to other men? Maybe the father is one of those assholes who controls all the women-folk in the family and suspects all other men of lascivious intentions.

Fwiw, I often let my son over spend the night at his friend’s house who had a single dad. Never worried.

I dunno -

I don’t agree with the message - but if there was something unpleasant to be told to another father, my wife would (most likely) as me to make the call.

That part doesn’t seem weird to me*

*Although the contents of the message are stupid

[bengangmo]

@nearwildheaven

It’s also possible that the family objects to the child going over there for reasons that have nothing to do with the family’s status.

As for molestation, when I was in college, I worked with a woman who also worked at a group home for boys who had been in various kinds of trouble, and she said that the one thing ALL of them had in common was a history of sexual abuse. The most common culprit? A teenage female babysitter. :eek: She said that if she ever had kids, she would NEVER hire teenage girls to watch them, and would be less worried about her daughters being molested than her sons.

:eek:
Now I gotta wonder - what sorts of things would female babysitters want to do to younger boys?

Or am I just naieve?

[TokyoBayer]

A little while back there was a discussion on this with Carolyn Hax of Washington Post. Exactly the same thing. It was surprising how many people sided with the family who didn’t want the girl over.

The funny thing is that the cases of men molesting kids, there often are women in the homes. My father molested my cousin while my mother was sleeping upstairs.

This really sucks.

[sisu]

I would be offended and as a single dad with a daughter i am on behalf of you.

Maybe the husband doesn’t want his wife to be exposed to single men? You know all us single men are after is one thing!

[Blackberry]

I did let my daughter once. It was a slumber party. It turned out that the dad’s girlfriend was spending the night to help with the party too though.

When my daughter was about 8 she had a friend whose parents wouldn’t let her spend the night at our house after she happened to meet my then-boyfriend when she was dropping my daughter off. He was very friendly and nice to them and was with his sweet small dog but he’s still a scary black guy I guess. He wouldn’t have been spending the night when the friend did anyway, but whatever. Can’t necessarily blame them. I’m ultra-careful about leaving my daughter alone with men I date, but many single mom’s aren’t, and Single Mom’s Boyfriends don’t have a very good track record. It was kind of understandable; kind of offensive.

[Fubaya]

Wow thanks for all the replies. I thought it may be more of a grey area and there may be more debate. I’m glad to find that my asshole detector is probably fairly accurate.

I will say that they don’t know me well and I would understand if that were the reason and they said, hey let’s hang out a little and then we’ll do it. And here’s what really pisses me off. Why not just say she can’t because they’re busy this weekend? Worse case scenario, I try again in 3-4 weeks. No, this was a statement. She can’t spend the night now and she can’t ever because they do not approve of me.

Let me try to address some of these. I had half these replied to then left it for a while and more came in so some of this might be redundant…

@AnaMen

Do you seem sketchy to an objective observer?
Neck or face prison-style tattoos? Trench coat worn no matter the season? Do you drive an ice cream truck?

I’m pretty sure I don’t. I’m mostly a jeans and (non offensive) t-shirt guy. I have a house in a good neighborhood, the same job for 11 years. There’s another girl that’s spent the night here a dozen times. Her (married) mom never asked anything about me, but I’m sure she figured it out before she spent the night here.

@stoplight

Fubaya you get major points for restraint, you do however owe it to yourself and single dads to confront, educate and enlighten them.

Well, I’m not sure it would enlighten them but I could rescind their daughter’s invitation to my daughter’s birthday party Saturday

@Rhiannon8404

I also find it interesting that you called the mother, but it was the father who called you back.

Yeah and he called from her phone. Her number is the only one I have. Then when I called, they returned the call so fast they couldn’t have discussed it. He could still have been the person behind the decision, but I think the decision was made before I called. I think he might have been the designated caller, to make it a guy-to-guy thing.

@Rushgeekgirl

The only way I’d let my daughter spend the night is if we were already really good friends and I felt I could trust you. I’m a single mom though, so hey, we could always have our own tea party wink wink nudge nudge.

One of those “after the kids go to bed” tea parties? I’m game!

@bengangmo

I don’t agree with the message - but if there was something unpleasant to be told to another father, my wife would (most likely) as me to make the call.

That’s my theory.

@Joey_P

Who wants to guess they’re super-religious?

A strong possibility around here.

@Joey_P

I think I (a single dad) would have either said:
…

I really should have. I’ve noticed lately that I have a low tolerance for people wasting my time on stupid bullshit. By the time he got to “See, the thing is, she told me you’re a single dad and it’s just you and your daughter living together…” I knew roughly what was coming and just wanted to hang up. instead of fighting ignorance, my instinct was to run away from it. Oddly, here I am spending time talking about it now.

@Joey_P

Also, as much as I wouldn’t want to drag the kids into the middle of this, I would refrain from inviting that child to any group thing that your organizing (like a birthday party). If they ask, you can say, and no one can blame you for saying “You made if very, very, clear that you don’t want your daughter in my house”…“Oh but we just meant we didn’t want her there alone and they’re such good friends”…“Well, I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings, so this is easier, it’s no big deal, this is how you wanted it.” But seriously, if they’ve already basically accused you of wrong doing before you’ve been anywhere near the kid, I would stay way the hell away from her whenever possible.

Yeah, a little late for the birthday party, it’s three days away, but they’re going to get the cold shoulder if they come and an explanation is they ask why. The kids aren’t great friends yet. They sort of hit it off when school started, but if the mom really did delete my number, I don’t think they’re going to be encouraging the friendship. Kids can to the movies and the park too, but if I’m deleted, I guess even that’s not an option.

@sisu

I would be offended and as a single dad with a daughter i am on behalf of you.

Maybe the husband doesn’t want his wife to be exposed to single men? You know all us single men are after is one thing!

I know the second part is true, but I don’t know about the first part:) A female friend asked the same thing, but I don’t see it. These aren’t hip 20-somethings. The dad looks like Larry The Cable Guy, except without the redneck stuff. The mom could be 30, but could be 40 or 50, I can’t tell. She looks like this with a better haircut. Meanwhile I always thought I look like the Sept 11 tourist guy, except no one believes I’m 36, they say maybe 26 tops. I’m not saying she’s ugly or anything (I’m not not saying it either), but it’s obvious that we’re totally not each others types.

[Stringbean]

I would understand their concern and let it be.

[robert_columbia]

@AnaMen

And I don’t think it’s just a single dad thing. Single moms are suspected of potentially having random guys over and treated accordingly, not trusted to use their own judgment.
I guess some people don’t think child molestors marry.

There was a plot in a novel I was reading a while back where there was a single mother and her two kids, an older boy and a younger girl. Mom brings home new boyfriend. Boyfriend molests girl. Girl’s big brother finds out, goes apeshit and kills mom’s boyfriend. Boy ends up in juvenile court, boy obviously did it (murder). Exposition ensures over whether boy was morally justified and/or should be excused from punishment.

[Superhal]

Man, I wish I slept over at my friends’ houses who had single moms.

[Malacandra]

@Rhiannon8404

I also find it interesting that you called the mother, but it was the father who called you back. Is is wife not allowed to talk to other men? Maybe the father is one of those assholes who controls all the women-folk in the family and suspects all other men of lascivious intentions.

Fwiw, I often let my son over spend the night at his friend’s house who had a single dad. Never worried.

And maybe mom was all “Eww, he actually called back, the creep. Honey, get rid of him for us, would you?”.

[Maastricht]

Assholes.

I tend to go with my kids’ instinct. He’s five, and I find that kids his age can express perfectly well if they want to play or sleep over at a friends house. It is not like they are forced to go there if they don’t want. With abusing parents, babysitters, the kid has no choice, but with sleepovers, it’s all voluntary. So the chance of abuse is slim anyway, assuming the rape doesn’t all happen in the first visit (And think I’d notice that).
If the kid wants to go there again and again, I assume it’s all good.

For instance, my five year old strongly prefers not to play at a friends house, but to have the other kid visit with us. The other kid likes it here better as well. I don’t think there’s sexual abuse going on, but there are many other posible and far more likely reasons for such a preference that are valid as well. Parents that are too busy, just not good with kids, an older sister who is a pest, pets, or just nicer toys.

I don’t have to know, all I have to know is that I can trust my kid’s judgement. If he doesn’t want to go somewhere again, then I start to worry, not beforehand.

[Little_Nemo]

@Fubaya

“This is So-and-so’s dad. Her mom told me you left a message about maybe having her spending the night. See, the thing is, she told me you’re a single dad and it’s just you and your daughter living together and I just wouldn’t feel comfortable with her spending the night without a woman there. I’m sure you understand.”

“Sure, I understand. The problem is I usually only hire prostitutes for an hour. If you want one to stay all night, you’re going to have to chip in half.”

[chappachula]

@nearwildheaven

worked at a group home for boys who had been in various kinds of trouble, and she said that the one thing ALL of them had in common was a history of sexual abuse. The most common culprit? A teenage female babysitter.

HUH?
The news is full of stories about sexual offenders, often with huge scary headlines and loud music designed to increase ratings. But I don’t remember ever seeing a story about female babysitter predators. You’d think a story like that would get widespread coverage.

[Colophon]

@chappachula

HUH?
The news is full of stories about sexual offenders, often with huge scary headlines and loud music designed to increase ratings. But I don’t remember ever seeing a story about female babysitter predators. You’d think a story like that would get widespread coverage.

I’ve certainly heard several such stories. Not necessarily sexual abuse, but physical abuse. But hey, that doesn’t go with the comfortable “men are evil” stereotype.

Seriously, where did the idea come from that men’s default action if left alone with a female child is to fuck them? Our society demonises half the human race and nobody seems to give a damn.

[eclectic_wench]

My kids aren’t at sleepover age yet, but if they were eight, I’d feel the same about a single dad as about a couple: I’d need to know the people fairly well, but once Widget and I both felt comfortable with whatever adults were going to be around, no problem. Some people, men and women, are dodgy. Most are not. You have to make that call on an individual level, even though it’s probably way easier to just dump all men under ‘dodgy’ and all women under ‘fine’.

If my kid were, say, 11, I might have to think it over a bit harder - not because of the fear of molestation, but because an eleven-year-old girl might be more self-conscious about going to a man if she needed to use the bathroom/got her period/ suddenly for some reason wanted to go home/whatever. Girls that age are weird. In that case it would depend on what my daughter was like and whether I thought she’d be comfortable going to this particular guy if something came up.

I’m pretty sure my husband would never let one of our kids’ friends sleep over if I wasn’t there, though - for his own safety, in case of parents like the ones described in the OP. But he’s not a single father, so it’s not as restrictive for him to do that.

[eclectic_wench]

@Colophon

I’ve certainly heard several such stories. Not necessarily sexual abuse, but physical abuse. But hey, that doesn’t go with the comfortable “men are evil” stereotype.

Seriously, where did the idea come from that men’s default action if left alone with a female child is to fuck them? Our society demonises half the human race and nobody seems to give a damn.

Actually, our society demonises both halves of the human race. Men are evil violent child-molesting untrustworthy idiots who need constant supervision, women are insane hysterical shrill parasitical manipulative idiots who need to be told what they want. Again, it’s much easier - if you have limited brainpower - to have one blanket opinion of several billion people than to come up with a separate opinion of each individual based on who he or she actually is.

[Dangerosa]

I’m sure we let our daughter sleep over when there was just a Dad at home, too. And I know for sure my daughter’s friends have slept over here when I’ve been out of town.

[thisishowwepray]

@Colophon

I’ve certainly heard several such stories. Not necessarily sexual abuse, but physical abuse. But hey, that doesn’t go with the comfortable “men are evil” stereotype.

Seriously, where did the idea come from that men’s default action if left alone with a female child is to fuck them? Our society demonises half the human race and nobody seems to give a damn.

This is how the patriarchy and traditional gender roles hurt men, too! Men aren’t crazed sex monsters who can’t control themselves, and can be just as “nurturing” and “safe” as women. Patriarchy is bad for everyone!

If this is how they view men, does the father feel HE will molest/abuse if his wife isn’t around? Creepy.

To the OP, my boyfriend offered to babysit a friend’s kids when both parents had to work all evening and the mom made sure I would be over. I found this incredibly offensive (though I live with my bf and like kids so it was no big deal), and also foolish because an abuser (my bf is NOT one) will find a way to abuse. Women don’t have magic anti-abuse powers and, yes, they abuse too (albeit less often than men, but ANY abuse is too much of course).

If I have kids, I will base this type of decision on the particular parent(s) and basically not let my kid stay at a stranger’s home.

Also: Deleting your number was bizarre. Why didn’t they suggest that your daughter stay at their place as an alternative? Or bringing their daughter over for a play date with no sleepover? A play date with one of them over as well if they’re really nervous?

They seem like lunatics more than assholes. Highly religious seems like a definite possibility.