Would you let your daughter spend the night with friend and single dad?

I just had a surreal moment. As I’ve mentioned here before, just yesterday actually, I’m 36 and a single dad with an 8 year old daughter.

Ok, the kiddo wanted a friend of hers to spend the night Friday. She’s never spent the night before, but they’ve been at birthday parties and a couple school events at the same time, I’ve met and talked to her parents and we’ve exchanged numbers so we could get the kids together to play or whatever.

At school today, daughter told her friend she wanted her to spend the night and that the parents should talk about it, and my daughter told me after school that she mentioned it but the friend said her mom deleted my number. She must have accidentally deleted it, I said. “No, she said her mom deleted it on purpose.” Well, you never know if you’re getting an accurate story with kids, I’m sure she switched phones and lost it or something.

I called the mom and got her voicemail, left a message that “This is X’s dad and she was wondering if your daughter could spend the night Friday. Here’s my number if you want to give me a call, she’d sure like having her over. Thanks.”

Three minutes later I get a call back. “This is So-and-so’s dad. Her mom told me you left a message about maybe having her spending the night. See, the thing is, she told me you’re a single dad and it’s just you and your daughter living together and I just wouldn’t feel comfortable with her spending the night without a woman there. I’m sure you understand.”

“Um, sure, no problem thanks for calling.”

So, without a woman here to watch over me, I guess I could start molesting at any time. That’s somewhat offensive, but then I realized that her mother probably really did delete my number on purpose for the same reason which just solidifies the offense. I guess my daughter isn’t good enough to be friends with theirs on account of my vagina deficiency (and, heh, penis overabundance).

I’ve tried to see it from their point of view but I’ve met a handful of other single dads and I wouldn’t have a problem sending my kid over there. I would check them out as much as I do mothers and babysitters by talking to them and getting to know them a little and as long as they seem like decent people who wouldn’t be throwing an all night kegger, I’d let her go.

So what’s your take? Would you let your daughter spend the night with a friend if the friend had a single dad?

Those people are assholes.

And, yes, I have a daughter and yes, she did sleepovers when just the dad was present.

Yup. Assholes.

One of my daughter’s best friends in elementary school was a boy with a single father. I never thought twice about letting her spend the night at their house, and come to think of it, HE never hesitated to let his son spend the night at our house when Mr. Legend was out of town, even though I’d have been an unsupervised adult woman with his male child. Jeez.

somewhat offensive? surprised after talking to you they did not call social services and report you for being a single dad.

Standard rules apply, my kid wants to spend the night with a family I am unfamiliar with I take the next most common sense step I can think of, I familiarize myself with the family and then make the call. All things being equal those parents ought to be ashamed of themselves…asshole is a good word

Stupid reaction. How offensive. “I’m sure you understand”? Ugh.

Wow, I wonder if that is so-and-so’s dad’s way of telling you the only reason he doesn’t molest his daughter’s friends is because his wife is there to stop him. :rolleyes:

What an idiot.

Back when my daughter was eight, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it, and in fact, she did so at least a few times. I don’t think it ever crossed my mind, honestly.
Now, a dozen years later though, I don’t think I’d let an 8 year old spend the night somewhere I hadn’t been with people I didn’t know reasonably well, not because anything terrible happened, but there seems to be a higher degree of caution these days, and maybe some of it has rubbed off on me. If I thought you seemed sketchy, then no, but I wouldn’t categorically reject you for being a single dad.
Most of the parents of girls that age that I know now would though, I think, and would question each other if one allowed such a thing. There would be a not-so-subtle implication that the parent that allowed such a thing was taking a foolish risk and that quite possibly they did not even care if their kid gets molested. Many of the dads in particular openly proclaim that they’d never allow such things. The moms blame it on the dads’ paranoia sometimes, or wouldn’t admit to it. They might pretend its a specific thing about you in particular, but obviously they probably wouldn’t mention that to you.

Do you seem sketchy to an objective observer?
Neck or face prison-style tattoos? Trench coat worn no matter the season? Do you drive an ice cream truck?

Fubaya you get major points for restraint, you do however owe it to yourself and single dads to confront, educate and enlighten them.

Wow, not only offensive what they did but downright immature and dare I say insecure. Deleting your number? Really folks, that’s how you deal with stuff?

Single dad I knew well enough to be comfortable, I would be fine with.

As an alternate data point, I have asked single moms if there would be an unfamiliar (to me) guy over. I was sexually abused as a child, and so I am pretty cautious about such scenarios (but fairly blunt about bringing it up).

I wouldn’t bother -

Anything done to try and enlighten them will just be seen in the vein of
“methinks he doth protest too much” and confirm their suspicions.

Besides - I’d being happy that my kid wasn’t being exposed to that sort of paranoia

I also find it interesting that you called the mother, but it was the father who called you back. Is is wife not allowed to talk to other men? Maybe the father is one of those assholes who controls all the women-folk in the family and suspects all other men of lascivious intentions.

Fwiw, I often let my son over spend the night at his friend’s house who had a single dad. Never worried.

Maybe the dad was the objector and the mom refused to pass along his reason.

And I don’t think it’s just a single dad thing. Single moms are suspected of potentially having random guys over and treated accordingly, not trusted to use their own judgment.
I guess some people don’t think child molestors marry.

It’s also possible that the family objects to the child going over there for reasons that have nothing to do with the family’s status.

As for molestation, when I was in college, I worked with a woman who also worked at a group home for boys who had been in various kinds of trouble, and she said that the one thing ALL of them had in common was a history of sexual abuse. The most common culprit? A teenage female babysitter. :eek: She said that if she ever had kids, she would NEVER hire teenage girls to watch them, and would be less worried about her daughters being molested than her sons.

good point, and that is a much different discussion.

From the OP- the dad was pretty clear that no woman around= DANGER!

Pretty stupid in my opinion. Thinking that the average single father is a pedophile goes far beyond normal caution. Growing up in a household with that kind of paranoia is probably going to screw up that kid’s head - better hope her telekinetic powers don’t kick in at the prom.

And what’s the deal with deleting the phone number? Are they worried you’ll molest their child over the phone or something? Have they forbidden their daughter to even see your daughter? Because if not, what happens if they need to contact you for some other reason?

I think I (a single dad) would have either said:
1)No, I don’t understand and I’m a bit offended at what I think you might be implying.
2)No, I don’t understand, why don’t you tell me what your concerns are.
3)Well, I guess, but I think you’re being kind of silly. The world is full of single parents, you better learn to get used to it.

I like #2 because it forces them explain themselves. I like making people explain themselves instead of just ‘implying’ something and leaving it at that. Not that you’re going to do anything to ease their concerns (their mind is already made up at this point) but getting them to say it out loud might make them realize how stupid it is. I bet they can’t actually say “well, we’re concerned you’re going to rape our daughter”. (and that couldn’t be done with a woman around? A single mom can’t do that? but that’s neither here nor there and wouldn’t help the situation, don’t say that).
I would, however, ask some of the other parents about it. You might find out that those parent’s are just weird to everyone and it’s not you it’s them. Maybe they don’t let their daughter go on sleepovers anywhere.

Also, as much as I wouldn’t want to drag the kids into the middle of this, I would refrain from inviting that child to any group thing that your organizing (like a birthday party). If they ask, you can say, and no one can blame you for saying “You made if very, very, clear that you don’t want your daughter in my house”…“Oh but we just meant we didn’t want her there alone and they’re such good friends”…“Well, I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings, so this is easier, it’s no big deal, this is how you wanted it.” But seriously, if they’ve already basically accused you of wrong doing before you’ve been anywhere near the kid, I would stay way the hell away from her whenever possible.

When I read that line my first thought was that he should have come back with “Project much” or “Are you worried she’s going to tell me something” Someone who automatically thinks that other people are up to the worst thing possible are often times up to it themselves. Does that make sense? Why would your mind go right to there…unless it was already there to begin with?

To me that was either because they have so little use for it that they just got rid of it or because they consider him a threat so they deleted his number…poof…threat gone. Out of sight out of mind. They don’t like him, why would they want to scroll past his number every day in their phone. Personally, if there was someone at my daughter’s school that I was worried about and he gave me his number, I’d probably at keep it somewhere…and if his kid was friends with my daughter I wouldn’t tell my daughter I deleted his number. That’s almost spiteful. “Lost” is the word to use.

Who wants to guess they’re super-religious?