How old before you let your kids have “signifigant partner” sleepovers? You know boyfriend/girlfriend.
Do you think kids should be allowed to? Would you give certain rules like: one foot on the bed, the other on the floor or with the door open only?
confused
Significant Partner.
As in adult?
If teenaged, fine, but in separate rooms, or door open.
After a Mom/Kid talk.
If young kids, in a ‘sleepover mode’ they can all sack out in the living room, or with door open.
After a Mom/Kid Talk.
If as a couple who has been living together anyway…
Then they’re a couple already.
My Mom still won’t have my sister and her SO of 5 years stay at her house overnight.
They get along, it’s just how she believes.
::shrug::
“Would you give certain rules like: one foot on the bed, the other on the floor or with the door open only?”
If you feel the need for this type of rule, they shouldn’t be having a sleepover. Stuff happens, rules or not.
In the rare case of an out of town visitor, separate rooms only.
Not that it pertains to your original question, because I don’t have kids yet, but when I do, I see no problem with their friends sleeping over, irregardless of gender.
I’m not a parent, but my boyfriend started sleeping over when I was 18. But they were pretty reluctant even when he slept in a separate room. It took about 6 months for him to make the progression into my room, where we’d sleep top to tail with the door open. Then after another month we could sleep normally with the door open. Then the door closed. Then mum and dad started knocking before they came in. Then they sent us on a holiday together.
How old before you let your kids have “signifigant partner” sleepovers? You know boyfriend/girlfriend.
Um, never, unless it was for a REALLY good reason (flat tire on the boyfriend’s car, really bad winter weather, etc.).
Do you think kids should be allowed to?
Not unless you want to be a young grandparent.
When I was a senior in high school I had my first serious boyfriend. He lived in a town an hour and a half away, so a couple of times I ended up staying in the guest bedroom downstairs at his house because we would go somewhere (like prom) and it would be too late to take me home (I didn’t have a car/license).
Now, we were “good kids” and were NOT having sex, but we found ways to be together and get up to no good while his parents were either doing chores (they had a farm) or were asleep, etc.
Teens in love are just too driven by hormones to be trusted alone, IMHO. Ain’t no way I’m going to willingly throw my daughter into a tempting situation like that if it can be avoided.
Since my views are exactly the same as SnoopyFan’s, I’ll just write:
“What she said.”
and leave it at that.
I don’t have children yet, but IMHO:
Younger than 11: Yes with no special rules.
Between 11 and 17: Depends. If they do, seperate rooms or open doors.
Older than 17: Yes with no special rules. My future daughter/son is going to know how to avoid pregnancy.
I can imagine me changing my mind when I actually have children though.
The best solution is to allow them to sleep in the same room, but install a closed-circuit video cam and a loudspeaker and monitor them carefully, and whenever it looks like hanky-panky is happening or about to happen, crank the volume to the max and say into the mike: “What the HELL do you think your doing? Get off my kid!” or “Get your hands up where I can see them … NOW!”
This will instill respect for authority.
Parent checking in-
Opposite gender sleepovers- Sure, my son has hung out with my daughter’s friends when they have slept over, all on the living room floor. Who I am to say what gender my kids friends have to be.
Older opposite gender sleepovers-- Sure, where they sleep will depend on the young adults maturity level.
Stormchaser started sleeping over at my house when I was 16, door shut, same bed. Yep, we were doing the nasty.
My take on this is : my kids will probably have sex before they are married. I can not stop them. They will find a way/place to do it. All I can do is inform them of the facts and hope they make the right decisions and do the right thing.
Or, at the very least, if anything DOES happen, you can make some money with the tape. Thank God for the Internet.
And yes, I am just kidding.
Even 20 years ago when mrsIteki was a lass it was common for people to be allowed to share a bed in their parental home with boy/girlfriends from the age of about 14 or 15. She doesn’t think that the average age for that has gone up or down since then. Her friend at school used to get teased because even when she was 16 her parents wouldn’t let her boyfriend sleep over in her room, her parents were considered ultra-strict.
Looking at 2002 results, Swedens teen pregnancy level is 7 per 1,000 compared to 49 per 1,000 US, 31 per 1,000 UK. % of adolescent women who did not use contraception during most recent sexual intercourse is 7% for Sweden, 25% for US, 4% for UK. At the same time, Swedish and American youth are having early sex at about the same rates, 12% resp 14% of young women sexually active before the age of 15. If your kids are going to be shagging, they are going to be shagging with or without your approval, with or without your education in the matter, with or without contraception. Better they do it indoors than in a field or a car?
.E. Darrouch. et al., “Differences in Teenage Pregnancy Rates among Five Developed Countries: The Roles of Sexual Activity and Contraceptive Use,”
I’m 18. And as from Monday my boyfriend can stay over.
If your kids are going to be shagging, they are going to be shagging with or without your approval, with or without your education in the matter, with or without contraception. Better they do it indoors than in a field or a car?
Well in that case let’s just send them to a hotel.
My daughter will know about contraception and will know that I will not kill her if she comes and talks to me about sex. But I am NOT going to accomodate her so she can comfortably do something I disapprove of. I wouldn’t buy her cocaine if she decided to take up drugs, why on earth should I allow her boyfriend to stay the night so they can have a warm place to screw?
Concentual sex between of-age participants compares to taking harmfull illegal substances? Man, am I ever in trouble…
I started having sex at 15. Took a year off (from actual intercourse, but other things were fair game), resumed at 16 and had huge gobs of sex with several people. Then I hooked up with my fiance when I was almost 18. When I turned 18, I asked my mom if he could sleep over with me, or if I could sleep over with him (we’d started dating in April, my Bday’s in July - had already been my longest relationship). I figured, hey, I’m 18.
Nope. She’d “feel better if I moved in with him, since it’d show an actual commitment.”
I moved out a week after my 18th Bday.
So, the three big questions that I’ll have to ask myself if I have a child:
-
Did not being able to sleep over stop me from having sex?
Hell no. -
Did it stop me from sleeping over anyway?
Nope. I just lied to my mom and said I was staying with a female friend. Thus, she rarely ever knew where I was actually staying. Not a good thing. -
Did I ever get pregnent?
Nope. Which is more than can be said for a decent number of her patients (she’s an OB nurse who often told me about 17y/o girls on their 2nd child).
So, yeah, I’d let my kid stay over and such. At least that way I know where they are. And I’ll supply condoms, secretly (ie, leave them in the bathroom and just replace them when they’re gone - no questions asked. Better safe than sorry!)
I’ve never done this before, and I’m sure I’ll feel guilty after, but
BAND NAME!
Iteki, that was a well researched post. I think I agree with your position completely.
Now, I was 18 before this even became an issue, but my parents went out of their way to make sure I knew it was all right for my girlfriend to spend the night. Most of all, I think they were happy that I’d finally found someone that wanted to. And knowing that not only had I grown up in an atmosphere that was quite open on sexual issues and had several ‘talks’, I’d also, by the time I was 12 or 13, gone through obligatory sex ed which over here is very complete even down to practical application.
My point is, had I been 15 or 16 they’d have done the same. They knew that sooner or later I was going to be sexually active. Their priority was always to ensure that I go about it in a safe manner - and, if they could help it, had good and wholesome early experiences. That strategy worked.
Abstinence is an ideal. Sure, some people adopt and live up to that ideal and are happy with it. Good for them. But if there’s one thing an adolescent youth is not, generally, it’s idealistic.
I’m just glad that my parents appreciated this. They let me decide for myself when and if I was ready to bond to another person in this way. And they made sure I knew enough and felt comfortable enough to do it safely.
I’ve never even bothered to lie to my parents when I stay over at my boyfriends. They know exactly where I am!
Okay, until my mum found my pill pack she assumed I was staying on the sofa. But still!
My son (7) has already had one of his best friend (girl) sleep over with him. They’ve slept in the same bed both at my house and her house, as well as on the floor and couch. My daughter (4) hasn’t had anybody sleep over yet but I’d have no problem with it.
When they get older (in the “significant partner” stage) I’ll likely not change that policy unless they’ve done something to lose my trust or proven themselves to be irresponsible. My parents had that same attitude and I see no reason not to use it for my kids.
The only rule I have that I’ll make them stick to is one I have now; if you make enough noise to wake me up then the two of you go to separate rooms.
A question for the OP: Does only the opposite sex sleeping over concern you? A person of the same gender as your kid would be a “safe” sleepover buddy then? It certainly didn’t stop me from “exploring” with a same sex friend in junior high.