Say you have a gay son, around the age of 12 - 13 who wants to have a sleepover with a couple of friends. They are also male. I asked my wife if that was appropriate since I’d probably not let a couple of boys sleep over with my daughter at that age. She got mad at me for even asking. But you guys get mad at me all of the time, so I’m going to ask your opinion. For the record, I don’t know if he’s interested in the friends in that way, and I don’t know or don’t care of the sexual orientation of his friends.
Is this a hypothetical situation, are you asking for a friend, or is this your family we’re talking about?
My family.
I don’t know the appropriate way to handle this.
We had all girl sleepovers around here. Let me tell you they got up to some crap. Nothing murderous or in the maiming sense. One girl got blue hair. Her mother was not pleased. One girl got a pierced belly button.
So all bet are off as to how the kids will act.
Oh, I always sent the older brother to go with Dad or someone else those nights. Just, idk, cause.
Seemed prudent.
You gotta watch everything they do and make sure everyone knows the rules.
It’s frought with many dangers. If I had school age kids, now I think I would limit overnighting.
You’d probably be surprised at what straight boys will do with each other at a sleepover…
At that age, one has to ask if all three boys have reached puberty, whether the other boys know your son is gay, whether their parents know, whether the other boys are also gay (either or both). If all three are gay and all three have reached puberty, the chances of no fooling around at some time during the night approaches zero – boys that age can be pretty driven by hormones, and it only takes one to get things started. For other combinations of situations, it’s much less clear, and of course the personalities of the boys is also a huge factor.
Dang. We just vandalized trains.
Yeah, no easy answers. That seems like a lot of awkward conversations to make sure the other kids’ parents know my son is gay. I don’t know how they’ll react and I don’t want him to lose friends because of that. I’m sure gay kids have been having sleepovers together for as long as there was such a thing, so I don’t think it’s that big of a deal but at the same time it just seems wrong to condone it when I can’t plead ignorance on the situation.
Is the implication that your wife thinks you are treating your son differently because he’s gay? I think your concerns are normal for any parent of any child that age, perhaps your wife is “hypercorrecting” thinking that normal parenting might be interpreted as non-acceptance of his orientation.
At that age, I hadn’t gone through puberty and was in no way interested in anything sexual. I think I knew I wasn’t gay, but wanted to hang out with my guy friends. Has he gone through puberty? Of course, this is extremely anecdotal!
It seems to me that boys that age will be hanging out a lot, whether at sleepovers or otherwise. Hence, if they’re going to fool around, prohibiting sleepovers isn’t going to accomplish anything. I wouldn’t deny him the chance to spend time with his friend because of some hypothetical concern.
Why not? It’s not like they’re sleeping in the same bed, right?
Probably this. Also, no one will get pregnant.
I would just talk to him to find out what he has in mind, like you would for any kid requesting a sleepover, and be clear with him on the rules in your house (the door to his room remains open, lights out and quiet by XX:00, no leaving without you knowing, etc.), and then trust him. I don’t know that a gay kid is automatically going to be interested in sex in this situation, but a prohibition on any hanky-panky is standard here across the board.
In sum: unless he’s given you a reason not to trust, trust him to manage it within your boundaries, like you would with anyone that age.
…kids being gay at that age isn’t a new phenomenon. I think that its great that your son is comfortable enough to be able to be open and honest with you.
But let’s imagine if, like in many households, they weren’t as forthcoming. Would a sleepover be an issue for you then? If you thought they were straight? Or if you didn’t know at all? How about changing rooms or the bathroom? Where are you drawing the lines here?
Are they out to their friends? Would saying “no” to a sleepover lead them to possibly finding out?
It looks to me that you would be punishing your son for being honest with you. It’s just a sleepover. And they are twelve. Set some rules if you need too. But I’m on the side of your wife.
Maybe (to calm your own nerves about boundaries) set some rules, set up a sleeping area in a common room with sleeping bags, like the living room, and then at night you can get up a couple of times to go to the bathroom, making sufficient noise that they know you’re moving around?
But the thing is, if they want to fool around, they will fool around (in your house or elsewhere at another time)… and as long as they’re safe, that probably isn’t a big deal. So maybe just talk to the kid about safe sex?
My incidental thoughts:
it would be weird to invite 2 friends if I was wanting to fool around with one of them. It would be too awkward with the one person left out.
These kids aren’t being left completely alone, are they? Adult supervision was enough to keep kids that age from fooling around at my “lock in” at church.
Surely either you or your wife would know if he acts like he has a crush on either of the people he wants to bring over. I would expect you to want to get to know his friends before they stay over, at least.
Questions like this make me so happy that my kids are adults. My daughter had sleepovers with her friends, and went to her friend’s homes for sleepovers. No big deal.
Worried my son was feeling jealous or left out, I asked him if he wanted to have friends over for sleepovers. He looked at me like I was crazy, rolled his eyes, and walked away.
ISTM that this is a situation where the person you need to be talking to is your son or (hypothetical?) daughter.
You as a parent of a young teen have every right to set out your rules for what kind of behavior you consider acceptable for sleepovers at your house, and to talk to your child about their sexual behavior. Of course everybody involved will instantly die of embarrassment, but it turns out that adolescent embarrassment mortality is essentially 100% reversible.
If you and your kid are on the same page with regard to sleepover bedroom etiquette, then I don’t see why there would be any need to screen your child’s guests based on the gender and/or sexual orientation of the parties involved.
(Of course, I’m not suggesting that the resident adults should abandon an adolescent sleepover party entirely to its own devices with zero supervision or check-ins for hours at a time either, irrespective of the gender or sexual orientation of the participants. “Trust, but verify.”)
There’s a lot of Wisdom in Beck’s whole post but I’d say you have to make sure they know the rules and have faith enough in your kid that he will substantially follow them.
I wouldn’t out my kid. He needs to have the choice to be out to whom and when he chooses. Don’t do make that decision for him. Don’t interrogate other kids or their parents about their orientation because they should have the same freedom.
Agreed.
It doesn’t have to be. It might be what this parent chooses but other parents might be more tolerant of overnights with hanky-panky fully accepted. I was in a sexual relationship at a young age. My parents were strictly opposed and her parents were not exactly happy but tolerant. So we had sex at her place and my distance from my parents grew faster and more sharply than they intended.
100% this.
You should be talking to your kid about hormones, judgment, safe sex, consent, and earning trust. Not just for this sleepover but all the time. When you trust your kid well enough to make good decisions, allow them to have sleepovers and to go to sleepovers at others’ houses. Some of that will involve lapses in judgment but hopefully small ones.
But also think about why you are setting the limits where you are. Your kid is pretty young and perhaps not ready for a sexual relationship but he might be ready before you are ready to let him have one. That’s the moment when you could accidentally push him away instead of being there to help and support him in a really tricky phase of his life when he needs the help most of all.