Because we known as neurological fact that middle school kids are mercurial creatures with half-formed brains prone to capricious decisions based on hormones, peer pressure, wind direction and lunar phase. Their brains lack impulse control, risk analysis and the ability to link emotional processing with logical decision making. On the other hand, their brains are wired to take increased risks, especially if they have a peer audience or encouragement.
I don’t doubt that a 12 or 13 year old can make 100% sincere promises “on the same page” as their parent in the moment of discussion. I would not trust them to maintain that level of commitment when surrounded by friends in a dark room, heady on lack of direct supervision for the next 6-10 hours. And, yes, this is an omnipresent part of raising adolescents in general but there’s enough unique risk to a mixed-gender sleepover versus single-gender (even if they get frisky) that it would take some unique circumstances for me to agree to facilitate it.
I dunno, man. On the one hand, boys will be boys, a little tomfoolery or hanky-panky is probably no big deal, happens all the time, right? But with your son being openly gay, it makes me compare the situation to a mixed-gender sleepover. Would you have a mixed-gender 12-year-old sleepover where you thought sex, if any, was no big deal? No: it would be a huge big deal, which is why 12-year-olds don’t have a whole lot of unsupervised mixed-gender sleepovers.
There are both similarities and critical differences between that and a 12-year-old gay boy having an all-boy sleepover. Pregnancy is no doubt the biggest one; at least there’s no worry of that, which puts the sex-if-any back into the maybe-just-shrug category, I don’t know. Perhaps you should think like the Victorians did when they held house parties: assign people to their rooms according to accepted social custom, then resolutely ignore all nocturnal comings and goings.
I was fooling around with other boys when I was 12, but my parents sure the hell didn’t know, and sure the hell wouldn’t have tolerated it. They would have melted down, called the police, tried to have me thrown in jail, sent me to military school, who knows. It’s a different world, and you get to navigate it, good luck. It’s nice you have a good relationship with your kid. I would echo others who say: talk to him. What does he expect will happen? Does he stand a big chance of getting hurt? If he’s told you he’s gay, perhaps he’d be willing to be honest about his intentions and you can judge from there.
My parents hosted a mixed sleepover the summer after I graduated from high school. My memory, which is somewhat vague at this point, is that everyone brought sleeping bags, girls were in one room and boys in another, and all doors were open. There was no fooling around in the girls’ room at least (Not in the boys’ room either, as i remember, though I suppose I wouldn’t have known. My parents are pretty light sleepers though and I bet they would have known if there was!)
I’m mining the deep reaches of my memory for Girl Scout and church camp at that age, and while I’m sure I had lesbian Scouts in my troops, we also had coed church campouts and there was at least one boy who I know now is gay.
The only hanky-panky I ever remember was a straight boy and a straight girl who were caught Doing It in a Sunday School room. I didn’t believe the story at the time - this was a VERY small church - but I’m pretty sure now that it was true.
My reaction is to let them. They are only 12 and I think you are overthinking it. Just for a different perspective, when I was 12 I actually slept with (literally, not the usual meaning) a girl around the same age. Her mother and mine had been close friends as girls and they were living in Scranton and she visited Philly with her daughter. We had a small house and there was no where else for the girl to sleep. Of course, I tried to keep as far from her as possible–not very far.
Kids play doctor and experiment no matter their gender or orientation. If there’s not the risk of pregnancy, don’t worry about. And it’s not like a kid’s sexual orientation is written in stone. These are they ages where they are experimenting and figuring out who they are. Even if a kid thinks they are straight or gay, they may actually be somewhere inbetween, and that may change a lot as they grow up.
This makes sense. Nobody is going to ‘turn gay’, nobody will get pregnant. I don’t know how to effectively talk to someone that age about the subject but if your son says he’s gay you’ll need to figure that out soon. I know at that age I was tired of other boys who wanted to take off their clothes all the time. My life had been sheltered and I had never heard of the concept of homosexuality up until then so I didn’t think any of them were gay, just curious, stupid, and annoying. Maybe none of them were gay in the least but they sure were stupid. Times sure are different in some ways, and others the same. The main difference is that I wouldn’t be so ignorant at that age now.
I think “no one will get pregnant” is really important to this story. I suspect that a lot of our sexual mores, and especially the restrictions on young people experimenting with their sexuality, have to do, at their heart, with preventing unwanted pregnancies in unmarried girls who aren’t in a place to rear a child.
Yes that, but the fact that you (the OP) are thinking about this also means it’s time to get your son the HPV vaccine, if he hasn’t already. If he is gay, he may never have the opportunity to transmit HPV to a woman, but the time to get it is before he becomes sexually active.
I agree, as long as it doesn’t completely overshadow the important points (already made) about safe sex and consent, which ideally should be discussed with any person that age regardless of their gender and orientation.
ETA: in other words, it’s not quite as simple as “well no-one can get pregnant so who cares what they get up to?”.
Pregnancy is certainly a big part of it. I think there’s also more of a power imbalance in the age-old stud/slut perception and peer reaction when it comes to co-ed sleep overs and sex dynamics in general.
I understand sexual exploration by adolescents, but 12 seems a little young for consensual sexual activities? Forget pregnancy STD’s are the danger. Is porn of any kind likely to be consumed? I hope not!
He’s still a boy, and being gay is probably no big deal at all with friends. That’s a good thing.
Have the sleepover enjoy the noise and activity be ready with a big breakfast in the morning.
They are 12. My guess is there won’t be a lot of sexual activity. Especially with parents around.
It’s certainly not too early to talk to your son about consent and safe sex, but I wouldn’t frame that as being related to a sleepover that probably won’t involve any sex.
I think that those of you that are saying its unrealistic to think there might be sexual activity at age 12 are clearly out of touch or using your own personal experience at 12 to guide your thinking which is foolish.
I was sexually active at 12, not full on intercourse but a lot of things leading to that, and I was and am straight. Children are also exposed to sexual things including porn at a much earlier age now than we were when we were younger.
And if you as a parent have not been having discussions with your children starting at like 7 or 8 about sex then you are woefully behind. And it shouldn’t be “a talk”, but ongoing discussions as they age and mature.
I was completely serious when i claimed that talking about consent should start when your child is a toddler. For toddlers it’s more about not grabbing other children (or the toy they are playing with) and encouraging their own bodily autonomy than it is about “sex”, but it’s the same lessons.
7 or 8 seems like a good age to talk about the mechanics of sex and reproduction. It feels a little young to talk about the emotions that go with that, at least to me.
Not really… I was 11-1/2 and he was just about to be 13 in couple of days… I think the other boys were between 11-14 respectively… this was birthday party sleepover and the 5 of did some exploring of each other’s abilities…
(Not in the boys’ room either, as i remember, though I suppose I wouldn’t have known. My parents are pretty light sleepers though and I bet they would have known if there was!)