Did you let your kids have friends of the "opposite sex" sleep over?

In My Humble Opinion
21

My parents are odd. I’m 21, my boyfriend is allowed to sleep over but he must sleep in the bedroom downstairs.

Sure, some may say. They don’t want you having sex. But a)they go to bed hours before we do, all it means is that we have to wake up in seperate beds, b) they know for a fact we have sex and c) they are A-OK with me sleeping at his apartment.

Conclusion: my parents are nuts.

In any case, I think it depends more on the relationship than the age. I’d have trouble letting my 17 year old have a different person sleep over every night. On the other hand, if I knew they were in a steady relationship with love and committment, I’d have fewer issues.

22

Well, no, your parents aren’t nuts. They just prefer that you not have sex in their home, or at least keep up the pretence that you don’t have sex on one of their beds, or their couch. A lot of parents are that way, ime. They don’t so much care what you’re doing, they just really don’t want to know about it. Dr.J and I slept in seperate rooms when visiting our parents, right up until we got married, as our parents don’t really approve of premarital sex. They weren’t trying to delude themselves that we weren’t having sex in our own homes (although there was a tacit “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy), but they’d rather it not happen in their home.

The big question is whether or not you feel comfortable with your kids having sex in your home, especially when they are still minors. If not, don’t let them have co-ed sleepovers. Trust me, there are plenty of ways around the open doors, one foot on the floor rules. One of my best friends lost her virginity on a band trip, while following all the rules. All the doors were open, the lights were on, and she had both feet on the floor. I have another friend who had sex on the kitchen floor of her parents’ home in the middle of the afternoon, while the folks watched television in the next room.

23

(Background- I’m 21 and living with my parents for a few months while I take a semester off from school)

I recently had two male friends visit for Thanksgiving break- both from out of town, from different schools, I hadn’t seen them in about a year, and it was very obvious that I had no sort of relationship going on with either one of them. Furthermore, one of the two was gay. My mother wanted to know where they were planning to sleep, and I mentioned that they’d sleep anywhere, from the futon in the computer room to the floor of my room…

…wherein she vehemently assured me that they would NOT be sleeping in my room. I asked why, and she said that she “doesn’t believe in it.”

Needless to say, I was EXTREMELY offended. What does she think, that I’m going to automatically have sex with any male my age who happens to wander into the house?? I also felt annoyed that she was classifying my friends into gender categories, and that certain platonic friends could sleep on my floor while certain other platonic friends couldn’t.

Anyway, I’d say that it depends on a lot of things. Boyfriends/girlfriends sleeping over is a lot different than ordinary friends, cousins, etc.

24

(italics mine)

My 6th grade teacher said she once (when teaching 5th grade) had a 10-year-old student who got pregnant.

Just so you know.

25

NightRabbit it doesn’t matter if your mom didn’t want one of them to sleep in your room because she thought he had ugly toes. It’s her house. Her rules. When you’re paying your own mortgage, you can let whoever you want sleep in your room, toes and all.

26

No, because I don’t believe that kids under 18 and/or lacking high school degrees should be having sex.

27

What I just said didn’t make sense. I don’t believe in minors having sex, because they don’t have the emotional or financial resources to be good parents.

I really don’t care what 47 year old college dropouts do in their sex lives.

28

High school drop outs. Sheesh, somebody put me to bed already! Maybe I’ll be able to speak coherently about my opinions in the morning…

29

Hmm…what about letting teenagers’ same-sex boyfriends/girlfriends sleep over?

No risky of pregnancy there, at least. STD’s might still be a potential risk, of course.

30

My mom wasn’t a good parent? I’ll be sure to let her know. Nice broad brush you’ve used there.

FWIW, I know several “good” parents that started a family when they were 18 or under. I also know many older couples that make lousy parents. Yeesh, if you’d met some of them and seen their house…

Then there’s this thing called birth control I’ve heard so much about.

Face it, kids are gonna find a place to have sex if they really want to do it. You’re only taking one option away. In fact, a rebellious teen might try to get back at you by doing the deed elsewhere because of a parent’s puritan attitude rather than keeping to heavy petting in his/her room if they’re allowed to sleep over.

31

I was sleeping at my girlfriend’s place (in her room) and having girlfriends sleep over when I was 17.

If and when I have kids, my priority will be to keep them from getting [anyone] pregnant, not trying to make them resist their hormones. They’ll know everything I know about contraception, they’ll have condoms and/or BCP and/or the morning after pill available and know where to get more, and they’ll know I won’t judge them for doing what teenagers do, as long as they do it safely.

32

I had a female friend whose mom had a fit at the suggestion that I sleep in her guest room so I wouldn’t have to drive home past driving curfew at age 16. The friend was offended (rightly, IMO) that her mother would put so little trust in her. We weren’t a couple, but even if we had decided to have sex :rolleyes: by 16 we knew plenty about pregnancy and STDs. Heck, I knew all that by 12, thanks to the internet.

Personally, I wouldn’t place gender restrictions on which of my kids’ friends could sleep over. In the case of couples, same thing as long as they’re well informed. I don’t see the big deal.

Then again, when I was 13 I didn’t see the big deal with 13 year olds having sex. Now that I’m 18, the thought is very disturbing. Maybe when I’m 40 I’ll have the same reaction to 18 year olds having sex, who knows? It’s all an emotional gut reaction, though.

And I’m not going to pretend sex wouldn’t happen between couples. I just don’t care.

33

I started attending coed sleepovers in 8th or 9th grade. We were a pretty clean cut bunch, though- no booze, no drugs. And half of us were gay anyway, so pregnancy didn’t really come into play. I’d say that it’s situational.

34

I graduated 11th in my class at age 17, 6 months pregnant with my son. You know what? He’s ok. He is well loved. He is a second grader reading at the 5 grade 8 month level. He is very well adjusted. I have never ever thought of myself as a bad parent AND I am still with his father. we have cared for him and his two sisters financially.

35

I dunno about this one, because while my parents wouldn’t allow her to stay with me, I used to sleep over at her house all the time.

We fucked like bunnies the whole time… even after that special mother/daughter (and in my case, boyfriend) talk.

If my parents had let her sleep over at my place, we would still have fucked like bunnies at either location. I don’t think my parents saying “No” really accomplished anything.

36

Your parents are nuts? Here’s one for you…
Female friends on sleepovers usually shared my bed with me, since I had a double bed. I had a guy friend from out of town staying at the house at one point, and when mam asked where he would sleep, I said “my bed”. Not on your life. He was to sleep on the sitting room couch and like it. It apparantly made no difference that he was as gay as christmas. It apparantly made no difference that I was gay as christmas. Yes, thats right, my mam wouldn’t let her lesbo daughter share her bed with a gay guy, but had no apparent problem with me having girl friends, and for that matter girlfriends sleeping in my bed.

37

Umm, think I said I wasn’t thinking too clearly at the time, but I’ll correct myself now, since many chose to interpret my posts uncharitably anyway.

What I intended to say was that I personally would not trust any teenager of mine to make good decisions about birth control, STIs, or choosing a good, trustworthy partner. No matter how reliable the teen was. And I say this having been a very mature, reliable teen.

This is because if I had teenagers–which I don’t–they would be in my house until age 18/graduation from high school. I would be supporting them, and likely to send them on to college. And I would be responsible for their health care, and their financial upkeep.

And frankly, I don’t feel like providing any teen of mine with a place to have sex, or with health insurance to get cured of any STIs she picked up, or with the funds for an abortion, or with the financial support she would need to have a child. (I mean the same for boys too, except for the obvious biological differences.)

And while all teens do not automatically make bad parents, statistics bear out that teen parents are much more likely to lack good parenting skills, to lack the ability to financially support themselves, to end up divorced (if they marry) or broken up (if the couple doesn’t marry), etc. This is farily commonly known, though I will provide cites if requested. I don’t think I have anything to apologize for when I conclude, as a result, that my hypothetical teen would likely not make a very good mother or father.

Once they’re graduated from high school and are supporting themselves, they can do whatever they want. While I wouldn’t allow them to have random people shacking up for the night while they visited with me, I wouldn’t have any problem with them having a committed partner and my kid sleeping in the same room.

Maybe you (or your parents) were teen parents, and maybe you were good at it, but these are my opinions about how I would run my household. The opinions in no way bear on anyone’s lives but those of me, my kids, and anyone they might happen to be having sex with. Furthermore, a few self-reported success stories will not change my opinion about the desirability of teenaged sexual activity/pregnancy/parenthood for my potential offspring.

However, I’m pleased to hear that there are some exceptions to the grim statistics. I always knew there were; sorry if, at a time when I admitted I was not expressing myself well, it sounded as though I thought such exceptions were impossible.

38

I find it amusing, Horseflesh, to be accused of having a “Puritan” attitude about teenage sex.

First, because I’m a rather liberal agnostic raised by raving atheists.

Second, because it implies that there are no rational reasons to discourage one’s teenagers from engaging in an activity that carries with it a host of potentially serious financial, emotional, and physical consequences for them.

I have no doubt that many teenagers will have sex, regardless of whether Mom and Dad let them do it at home. I don’t consider it a foregone conclusion that all teens will have sex, however. My parents’ attitude was to teach us about sex from an early age, discuss all the consequences and aspects of sex, and then to tell us, “we highly discourage it, and we’re not going to do anything to make you think we approve, except this: if you feel that you’re really going to, please come to us and we will get you on the Pill and buy you condoms.” Religion and “puritanism” didn’t enter into it at all.

My parents also talked about aspects of sex that get out of most “liberal and open” folks’ idea of “sex ed”, including the emotional aspects of sexual relationships. Basically, anything we could’ve wondered about, they discussed with us around the age of puberty. Not just “if you really can’t help it, do it with a condom”, but the basic biology, psychology, and sociology of sex, STIs, pregnancy, abortion, childbirth, adoption, child-rearing, etc. I was the kid who used to get in trouble for telling the other kids “the straight dope” about all of that stuff.

My parents wound up with four daughters, all of whom rationally concluded that it wasn’t worth it for them to have sex until they were at least in college. Not only were we ambitious and didn’t want to risk our education/career goals, but to us, the guys in high school were just too damned immature in this regard to be bothered with.

I plan to teach my kids similarly, and hope to have kids who will make decisions as well as we did. Maybe they won’t be the same decisions, but c’est la vie. At least s/he will be prepared.

I’m sorry if it offends you that someone can rationally draw a conclusion about teen sex that is different from yours, but you’ve painted me with an awfully broad brush of your own. “Puritan” indeed. Hmph.

39

I’m curious - do her parents know of this arrangement? Because even though you’re fine with it, they may not be.

40

I’m sorry - I didn’t realize they slept together at the girl’s house as well. :smack: