question for parents of college students....

In My Humble Opinion
1

Ok, I’m 20 now, and I don’t understand some of the rules my parents STILL set down. I figure I might not understand since I’ve never had a child myself to worry about, k?

So, if you had a 20 year old daughter who had been dating a guy for over a year… would you let her take a nap with her boyfriend? I mean, we’re talking sleeping with the door open, seperate covers, and everyone else in the house awake to check if they’re suspicious.

I mean, I can understand that it’s their house and I should respect their laws, but why can’t I make small decisions like this on my own. They KNOW we nap together when I’m at school. They’ve probably figured out that we sleep together. Are they just not wanting to admit that I’m an adult, or do they have a point??? Thanx for your info!

2

This is a sort of poll of how parents think, so I’ll move this over to IMHO.

3

Would I let you do it? Sure, as long a you behaved yourself with the discretion I’d expect of any other adult houseguests, but that reflects my values, not your parents’

The college years can be an uncomfortable time. You pay for the privilege of enjoying some of the benefits of childhood (free room and board for summers and vacations) by sacrificing some of the autonomy you enjoy at school. Sorry, but their house = their rules is pretty much the way it’s going to be.

(And, yes, they are trying to keep you from growing up. Parents aren’t rational about their kids’ sexuality–especially in the case of daughters.)

4

Chalk it up not rational about sex and leave it be. If your family is not sexual at all (sounds familiar) just don’t be sexual with your SO at all around them. Be happy, be friendly, but no naps, no cuddles, nothing.

Welcome to my life.

Yes, they know that I live with my SO when I’m not at home, but when I am, he sleeps in the basemengt, I sleep upstairs and that is just how things are.

5

My parents are quite similar to yours. I’m 19 and have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 2 years, but it was only a year ago that he was allowed to sleep over at my house (only occasionally and in separate rooms). Now he can spend a week at our place and my parents don’t even bat an eyelid. The progression of events was like this:

  1. Can’t sleep over - EVAH
  2. Can sleep over if he’s too tired to drive. Separate rooms.
  3. Can sleep over if it’s convenient for him. Separate rooms.
  4. Can sleep over if he feels like it. Separate rooms.

He is also allowed to sleep in my bed.

  1. Sleep in separate rooms
  2. Can sleep in the same room if top-to-tail. Some grumbling from parents.
  3. Can sleep in the same room if top-to-tail. No grumbling from parents.
  4. Can sleep in the same room, facing the same way. Some raised eyebrows from parents.
  5. Can sleep in the same room, facing the same way. No raised eyebrows from parents.

So by doing things in teeny tiny steps I was able to get things done my way. :smiley: It took about a year, but I’m pretty happy with the results.

6

Since I seem to be the first parent of a college-age child here to check in, I guess that makes me official spokesperson for all parents everywhere. Sigh, such a responsibility. But here goes.

First off, do you have younger siblings? No parent wants to be subjected to “but you let MANDIELISE do it!!!” My sons in high school still don’t understand why we give our daughter in college more privileges.

Second, do your parents get along with your boyfriend? Does he make an efort to talk with them, or does it seem like every time he comes over the two of you are trying to get away from your family and be alone.

Third, provide a little backgroud here. Were you a disciplinary problem when you were younger (be honest)? Did one of your parents have a brother or sister who got in trouble a lot? That might not be fair to you, but that’s the way things are sometimes.

And finally, as cher3 said, your parents may not be comfortable with the whole idea. Did your mother have “that talk” with you before you went off to school, or did she just not say anything and cross her fingers? How has your father treated your other boyfriends?

One piece of advice though, I don’t recommend going to your parents and saying “you’ve probably figured out we sleep together while I’m at school so you might as well let us do it while I’m home.” College life is sort of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” free zone for parents, so let them hang on to their delusions for another year or so.

7

Sorry it took me so long to respond - family’s been over! Thanx for the advice… I figured it would be this way.

To answer your questions kunilou:

I’m the youngest of two - my brother’s 2 years older, failed out of a SERIOUSLY easy college, would rather sleep all day than do anything, etc…

My parents LOVE Paul. I can sleep at his house (his mom’s worse than my parents are!) whenever I want, and he can stay here whenever he wants, but we can never say together. Whenever either his family or mine has a gathering or party or anything, the parents always invite both of us. Likewise, Paul, my dad, my uncle, my brother, and I are in a band together.

When I was really little I had a problem with hitting, but that’s about the only disciplinary problem I can think of. My parents only tell me this now, but they always blamed most of my brother’s and my fights on him.

My brother didn’t get in a lot of trouble, but my parents caught him smoking pot, they know he drinks like a fish, and he’s in a fraternity (and known to sleep around). I definately have seen what he does affect my life (when he got arrested at 17 for trying to by cigs and beer, I lost privilages!).

My mom never had a talk with me ever. She’s scared of herself (she can’t even buy maxi pads, she has to ask my dad to get her some “stuff”). My dad had the sex talk with me in like 5th grade, and we’ve never needed to mention it since. However, I wasn’t allowed to watch PG13 till I was 16, I didn’t get to watch MTV till I was 18, and if I wanted to watch Dawson’s Creek when I was 17 my mom had to watch it with me (to explain things).

I think my parents have a serious problem with pre-marital sex. They got married at 19 - both as virgins. They expect the same out of me. Too late. I see nothing wrong with what I’ve done and I wish they’d get over it. I just got a new apartment, and as a birthday present my parents bought me a bed with the specific warning, “Paul better still sleep on the couch when he visits you!” HELP!

8

Just out of curiosity, did your parents buy you a single bed or a double?

FTR, I have one 22 year old at university and a 16 year old in high school. The “official” rule in my house has always been that if you’re over the age of consent who sleeps in your bed is your business provided that other family members are treated with courtesy and respect. I don’t expect to see displays of foreplay in the living room, for instance - although cuddles and stuff in communal space are fine.

Prior to age 16, the rules were applied on a case by case basis.

9

I think I see where your parents are coming from.
The summer after my freshman year of college, I begged my parents to let my then-girlfriend stay with us till school started again, and they agreed (there were good reasons for her to stay with us, which I won’t go into here). My parents made the rule , though, that we were to sleep in seperate rooms, and absolutely NO sex. They admited that they knew we were having sex, but in their house, it would not be permitted.
I gladly agreed; I said I wouldn’t sleep with her while she was staying with us, and I meant it.

Well, that lasted for a few weeks; by the end of summer, we’d had sex all over that friggin house.

I’m pretty sure I had a point when I started typing this post, but I’ve forgotten it… all I know is I won’t be letting my future kids’ SO sleep over.

10

It’s their house shrug

When WV_Toddler is of age, there will be no hanging out in the bedroom at all alone with a guy, door open or not, unless they are married.

When I was a teen my mom had the “ok the boyfriend can go to your room as long as the door’s open.” We still managed to do quite a bit of stuff we shouldn’t have.

11

I have plenty of guys who are friends but not boyfriends. So we can’t hang out in my room?

:rolleyes:
Oh, and I’m 24. Who I have sex with or not is no one else’s business.

12

“But Ma! We need to go over the seating charts for the wedding!”
“No. You may not go into the bedroom together until after the wedding.”

You crack me up sometimes, WV_Woman.

13

It doesn’t matter how old we get, in my parent’s house it’s seperate rooms for unmarried couples. Period. End of discussion. Doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in a relationship. No reasoning with them. Nada. Even when I was 31 and a month away from the wedding date to the second husband. Nope.

“You do what you want in your house, but this is my house. My rules.”

My brothers and I have just sighed and respected their wishes.

14

I suppose I should actually answer your question, huh? :slight_smile:

I am not my mother. My daughter is almost 16 now. Underneath all her teenage rebellion and angst, she does have good sense. Something I assume she will still have at 20. So, yes, I would allow that under my roof without a problem.

15

I can understand (though not agree with) a lot of the parental sentiments. I also try to keep in mind that I DON’T have a child, so I have no idea how I’ll feel given the situation from the other angle.

However, it just seems odd the way they choose what should and should not be done. For example: Paul and I can lie on top of each other and watch movies in the livingroom. We can do the same in my room - under the covers… even at night when everyone else is sleeping. However, we’re NOT allowed to take a nap together. Now, call me crazy, but I think more “naughty” stuff would go on while we’re awake!!!

16

The way my parents told it to me was this: My brother and I don’t want to think about them having sex. Similarly, they don’t want to think about us having sex (with our respective SOs, not with each other!).

Of course, I did a lot of rebelling when I was a teenager to get the freedoms I did. Then later my brother let his girlfriend move in to our house, without the parents’ permission, and there went all hope of expecting any restraint out of the boy. I’m still not letting him live that down, but I also still try not to push my parents like that.

Bottom line – as others have said, their house their rules. You can try discussion, but you’re still their daughter. The fact that you’re legally an adult doesn’t change that. If you want to have your boyfriend sleep over without restraint, and your parents are unwilling to budge, then you’ll have to move out.

Don’t do that too quickly though.

17

Ha. My future mother-in-law knew we were living together. I don’t think we had her blessing to live in sin, but she even helped us move, and bought us stuff, and did all sorts of mom things. But when we stayed at her house, it was seperate beds, seperate rooms. That was fine with us.
While I don’t think I’ll have the same rules for my twenty-something offspring, I agree wholeheartedly with the basic premise- I will expect them to live by whatever rules their father and I do set down.

18

My parents have the same rules as Arden. At 26 I tried to talk them into letting my boyfriend sleep at their house with me, but no luck. I was living at his house at the time. It seemed even more ridiculous considering where I grew up. All my friends had super liberal parents - buying them condoms when they were teenagers and whatnot.

19

It’s nice to see that I wasn’t the only one who had to struggle with these arbitrary rules. My husband and I were engaged, and his parents would not allow us that Christmas to *share a blanket while watching TV * (and they also refused to either provide more blankets or turn up the damn thermostat–you can’t have it both ways, people!) They told us that they didn’t want us to “set a bad example for the little girls” (Mr. Tamex’s younger sisters, who were, at that time, about 18, 15, and 13.) Their attempt was sadly futile–the youngest girl managed to get herself knocked up while still in high school. No word on whether any blanket-sharing or TV-watching was involved.

You may not want to hear this, but the only real solution is to get married. Somehow, that piece of paper is what it takes to remove most of the stupid arbitrary rules about the sort of stuff couples do with their clothes on–napping, cuddling in front of the fire or while watching TV, kissing, etc. Think of all the silly rules as a form of indoctrination. I mean, no one else cares if you are married or not anymore, so I guess your parents ought to.

Why are these parental rules so arbitrary? We are in the midst of a major change in the rules of the behaviour of unmarried persons in our society. As a parent of a five-year-old, I can’t give my answer to exactly what my rules will be when she is twenty because society will have changed so much. Perhaps a set pattern of acceptable behavior will have emerged by then, or perhaps I, like your parents will just have to examine my own beliefs, cobble stuff together, and do the best that I can. I’ve found that much of parenting, especially on the oldest kid, is making it up as you go along. You hope to be consistent, but you screw up sometimes, especially if society gives no guidelines for parents.

My WAG–taking a nap together seems “suspicious.” Your parents can’t see any obvious benefits to an innocent nap, so they think that you must be up to something ;). Face it, as a married person, I take a nap with my husband because A) we happen to share the same bed, or B) a quickie was involved somewhere. “A” is not the case in your situation (I assume they don’t allow you to share a bed in their house at night) and they certainly don’t want “B” to happen, so naps are right out.

20

Maybe they think he’ll wake up with a rampant erection. :wink: