Teens at night

In My Humble Opinion
1

Wondering if the SD teens and parents of teens would share their household practices concerning what teenagers are allowed to do at night and how late.

I got into a discussion with some folk on my town’s website when I commented that I was a little surprised to find a road blocked by maybe 50 teens at 9:30 on a Sat night. They were just hanging out - no sign that they were causing trouble, but they certainly weren’t making any move to get out of my car’s path.

Many folk talked about the need for places for kids to go, and things for them to do at night.

I have 3 kids, ages 12, 14, and 15. Simply put, they aren’t allowed to simply “hang-out” at night in unspecific places, with unidentified people. They have no specific curfews - if they are going to a dance, or a party, or just to hangout at a friend’s house, we’ll decide what is a reasonable time. Most likely between 10 and midnite. (Generally depends on whether I’ll have to pick them up or not - in which case, I’ll make it earlier rather than later.)

They are always welcome to have friends over - we will supply snacks, drinks, videos, etc.

But we do not allow our kids to just go “out” at night without a purpose.

We do not allow our kids to sleep in until noon either. During the summer they are awake and their beds made by 9:30. Their chores and music practice done by noon.

They spend their days out and about, playing with frinds, at the pool, riding bikes, etc. When evening comes, they don’t seem to mind hanging around home - reading, watching TV, on-line, hobbies, vid-games, etc.

What hours do the teens in your household keep?

2

Well this teen sets his own hours these days, so long as I keep my parents informed of what they’re likely to be. Of course, my circumstances are hardly the norm.

3

My parents are/were (I’m 23 now) the same as Priam’s. I kept my own schedule as long as school work didn’t suffer. No way to hide school failings either as I was home schooled. If I wanted to be out till 2am fine(Normally I was home around 11 - midnight), but I better not complain when I have to get up the next day. Also I had better never, ever bring a cop home(even if she is cute).

We did live in a small town. It was easy if they got worried to track me down. Few phone calls, and they would have me. Big city they probably would have been much more strict.

4

During the school week, no one goes (nor are friends allowed over) anywhere unless it is with me to the grocery store or is school related. Bedtime is 9-10 for the youngest (aged 11), the other two (19 & 17), don’t have a bedtime but are expected to keep quiet after midnight, and to get themselves up in the morning. The are also expected to keep their rooms neat and to pitch in whenever I ask, as is the 11 year old.

They all go to friends’ houses occasionally, and I make it a point to ask what they are planning, etc…Curfew for the 17 yr. old is 11:00, and she usually tells me what happened.
I request that the 19 year old be home by 12:00, just so I won’t worry.

5

I was the first born, so my curfew was really early. Usually about 11 at the latest. And I always had to let my parents know who I was going with and where we would be.

That said, I “spent the night” with friends as often as possible. It’s unreasonable to expect a 17-year-old to be home at 11 on a Saturday night. Most of my friends had more lenient curfews, and some of them were already in college and living on their own.

6

I’m 18, but my parents don’t really ask where I’m going, they call me and ask what time I’ll be home but that’s it. My parents just don’t want me to be out late on school nights. On weekends im usually gone till 12 at the earliest, 2 days later at the latest. As long as I don’t get arrested it’s all good.

7

Our rules for teens are similar to yours **Dinsdale[b/]. They are not allowed to just “hang out”. If they have a plan, curfew is set according to the plan. I rarely have to say no though because they are good about making plans and going in a group. They find plenty of things to do without just “hanging out” in the streets and they are busy and out with friends most weekends.

Even on weekends or summer evenings, they do not stay out after midnight, girls (or passengers if the driver is a girl) are due in a 11:45 so the boy (or driver) can get home by midnight.

We are to know where they are going, who they will be with, and what time to expect them back. If the plan changes, they must call home to say where they are going, *before[/] they change locations.

Additionally they are entitled to the same courtesy of us. They know where we are going, how long we expect to be there and what time it is ok to get worried if they do not hear from us.

Friends are welcome. We have a pool table, ping pong table and table soccer and a basketball goal, so there is plenty to attract them to come over and hang around the house, but I am never to be surprised by a houseful of hungry kids. I am to receive a call to let me know when a guest or crowd is going to be coming over. (This is facilitated by the fact that we have teen to mom cell phones. Teen pays half the bill and all his own calls, but minutes between the teen cell and mom cell are unlimited.)

We are up by 5 or 5:15 am on school days. Weekends and summer up by 7 or 8. Having summer jobs and being on swim teams keeps them getting up at relatively early times.

We do have daily chores, they do not include daily bed making, however sheets must be changed at least weekly. Beds to have to be made when having house guests. (Family visiting, friends sleeping over, that sort of thing.) There is not a set time for chores, however when asked to do something, if it’s not going to be done immediately they are to reply with something like, "Mom, I’m going to finish this homework assignment/level/telephone call and I’d do it in whatever number of minutes or before such and such o’clock.

Because we abide by the rules ourselves and consider it respectful courtesy to prevent people who love you from worrying, rather than a control issue, we’ve never had problems getting them to adhere. The oldest was once late by about five minutes and he was deeply and sincerely apologetic even though the lateness was largely out of his control. Needless to say he was granted the courtesy of a warm welcome home and no fussing beyond that I had begun to worry.

8

Dinsdale, how do you know that your kids are where they say they are? When I was their age, I’d say I was going one place, then go wherever I wanted to with friends who could drive. It usually worked.

9

Dung Beetle - we have assured them that we reserve the right to stop by or call up and check, to see that they are where they said they’d be, that parents are home, etc. If their plans change and they want to go somewhere else, they have to let us know.

One time my daughter was at a friend’s house. We were going to go out, but the friends’ phone was busy. We stopped by on the way out of the house, to let her know our plans. Everything was cool. Many a time we have asked to speak with the parent who is home when dropping off our kid. On the rare occasion when we were told they had “just gone to the store”, we would figure a reason to call soon after, to make sure they had gotten back.

Similar to the deal with the computer. I rarely (if ever) check my kids’ history. But I am very clear that I reserve the right to do so any time I wish, and I certainly WILL do so should they give me cause to suspect anything. So far, the need has not arisen.

Yes, I am aware that kids can scam their parents. I was a kid myself ages ago. But I feel it is worth making the effort to try to reduce the opportunities where it is easiest for my kids to get into trouble.

Abby - your comment about hungry teens reminds me of a time earlier this summer when my son had a bunch of guys stop by. They were playing hoops and running around outside. My wife commented on how nice it was to have kids just stop by. I commented that it was nice - but they were building up an appetite. MAN - it was like a horde of locusts descended on our kitchen! Oh well - I know where I can get more food!.

10

Good to be strict, as long as you aren’t militaristic about it. Kids will find a way to do what they want to do, and at a certain point you have to let go and hope that you’ve raised them to make good choices in their lives.

Obviously, you have more control over a 15-year-old, but I’d say once they hit 17 it’s time to let up on the rules.

11

I’m seventeen. My curfew is generally 12:30, though on occasion later, if for example, I’m going to a late running movie or something along those lines. My parents are fairly understanding in that regard.

My parents like to have a general idea of who I’ll be with and where we’ll be going, but they understand that when you’re a teenager, sometimes you honestly don’t know where you’re going to wind up. We live out in the country and one of the only things to do at night is quite literally just drive around. They’re okay with this–but then again, I’ve never given them a reason not to be. If I mess up, I know that I’ll revoke most of my privilages, and that alone keeps me more or less out of trouble.

I rarely, if ever, lie to them about what I’ll be doing and who I’ll be with. I honestly can’t remember the last time. I tell them most of the occurances of the evening–especially my mother, we talk about everything–even if we have been “being teenagers” and toilet papering people’s houses or held a seance. In fact, they’re sometimes even willing to purchase the TP. On a few occasions, they’ve even been invited along, and once or twice have accepted. We have a fairly unique relationship, one which I am very thankful for. (Granted, we never do anything really distructive, just your typical practical jokes on friends, stealing traffic cones and hanging out at abandoned places, thinks like that).

During the summer and the school year, my bed time and wake up are self-imposed. In the summer I usually stay awake until 4:00am, get up around 1 or 2 in the afternoon. It’s not a matter of being lazy, I just genuinely prefer this system (I do a lot of artwork and writing, and I find I work best in the afternoon/night). As long as I am willing to pitch in, and am willing to get up and help out if my brother needs someone to cook for him, they understand. Sometimes I’ll get up and do my chores if I have any and make my little brother breakfast, then go back to bed.

During the school year I don’t have a set curfew on school days, usually as long as I’m in before 10 they’re okay. Weekends are the same as summer. I go to bed anywhere from 8:00 to 2am, depending on how rough the week has been and what I have on the agenda for the next day.

As long as I’m awake and ready to go the next morning, my parents feel I’m old enough to make that choice for myself, providing I’m not falling all over myself at school the next day. On the weekends I usually revert to my summertime sleep schedule, though maybe not quite as extreme. Occasionally they’ll try to crack down and get me in bed at a normal hour, but these usually only last a day or so.

12

As a teen, I never had a cerfew, but I was expected to tell my mom where I was headed, who I was with, and when I expected to be back. Sometimes they’d ask me for a number on where to reach me, or for me to call them periodically. I generally could stay out as long as I needed to (I’d go to concerts almost weekly), even on weeknights. I generally had good enough judgment to know that going to school sleepy sucks.

As a young teen, I wasn’t allowed to “hang out”, but when I got to be around sixteen or seventeen, that loosened up and I spent a fair amount of time unaccounted for. I’d spend a lot of time at parks, walking around downtown, and going long distances for superfilous errands with my friends- “hanging out” is neccesary when you don’t have much money. It got to be okay to say “I’m going out with Claire, we are probably going to go downtown. I think we might get home around ten”.

I remember senior year of high school being pretty much a free-for-all.

13

Dinsdale, I do fully understand your concerns about your kids going out at night and I agree with your curfew. But why that?

This sounds to me like a strict/militaristic (thanx for the word indygirrl) education. Why shouldn’t your kids be allowed to sleep in? I understand that chores have to be done, but with such a deadline - I’d be bored to hell! Why not sleep in when you feel like? Why not sometimes do what you feel like?

My parents weren’t strict, they did not give me set times and still I do good in school, don’t smoke, don’t drink much, didn’t make babies etc. So are my siblings, so were my parents… it works!

14

Before she drove, there was no question about where our daughter was, because we or another parent did the driving. We never lived within walking distance of anything.

As for curfew - it varies. Regular school nights, she has to be home by 10 unless she’s at a school activity. After work, she comes right home, and sometimes that’s after 1AM. Non-school nights, it’s midnight unless she’s cleared a later time beforehand. She gets herself up and ready for school and work herself. She does her chores and her homework before she is allowed to do anything social. And she gives me at least one night a week when she makes no plans so I can have time with her.

Once she got her license, she also got a cell phone which she is required to keep with her at all times. If she goes to a friend’s house, I get the phone number and have, on occasion, called to talk to parents. If she’s at a movie or going out to eat late, I know where she’s going to be, with whom, and what time she’s due back. If she’s going to be late or if plans change, I get a phone call.

We used to have her wake us when she got home, but now I just leave a light on that I can see from my bedroom. If I wake up and the light’s still on, I check the clock. But she’s rarely late, and even then, it’s just a matter of a few minutes.

She understands the importance of trust and honesty. She knows the car keys will be yanked in a heartbeat if she violates that trust. She’ll be 18 in about 3 weeks. She graduates in May, and heads off to college shortly thereafter. Even tho we’ll live about 800 miles apart, I’ll still ask her to call periodically to let us know what she’s up to. but I know she’ll do fine. We’ve been preparing her for this all along.

15

I slept as late as I wanted on weekends and days off and summers. I stayed up as late as I wanted.I’d usually stay up til 1 or 2 in the morning, later as I got older. My mom knew all my friends, but didn’t check up on me or anything, so when I went out I was pretty free roaming. Very few rules. None, in fact, that I can think of off the top of my head. The state (Louisiana) had a curfew, so we didn’t worry about that.

Never came home with a cop, got good grades, etc., etc.

16

NinjaChick’s current rules (as set by the NinjaParents):

*Weekends during the school year: home by 11:30, unless I’m somewhere specific (movie, friends house, etc)
*School nights: Unless I’m at school for something or working on a school-related thing, home by 10:30.
*Summer: Call if I’m going to be later than 11 or so, but no set curfew.
*In the summer, I must be out of bed by 10:00. Hmph.
*No riding illegally in a car (17-year-olds in NJ can only have 1 passanger under 21 and can’t drive past midnight). This I break all the time, and lie to my parents about, because of it’s sheer stupidity.
*Give my parents a general idea of where I’m going to be: “Yeah, I’m going over to Alex’s, we might go to a movie or something.” I also lie about this on a regular basis, but out of neccesity, so it doesn’t really count.
*Don’t do anything that would get me in trouble with the police, the management of a business, or would result in my parents being billed for breaking something. If I break this, I know I’ll loose their trust instantly.

17

You didn’t ask me, but I want to answer anyway.

Basic relationship 101 with kids is to trust and respect them as you would like to respected and trusted, until they prove themselves untrustworthy and need checking up on. Additionally we’ve explained the reason for the ruleto them to let us know where you are. (So that if there is an emergency we can reach you.)

We are where we tell our kids we are and they know they can reach us if they need us and in return we expect them to be where they say they are so that we can reach them if we need. We have needed to, and he upped the trust factor (or made a trust deposit if you will) by being where he’d said he was. Why would they want to destroy that trust by being untrustworthy? They know that the reason they have so much freedom is because they are trustworthy.

It’s just too bad that you lacked enough respect for your parents to be honest and forthright about your plans.

18

I’ve been having the oldest wake me also as he often gets in after I need to be asleep. I really like your idea with the light. I think I’ll ask him if he’d like to try that out. Thanks!

19

Teens probably won’t lie to their parents, they’ll probably just give them as little info as they need. When my parents ask me where I’m going i just say I’m going to a friends house, which is where I go most of the time. I never reveal any other information. They don’t need to know the other things I do, mainly drugs, raves, street races, parties, and whatever else I might do. Sometimes all I do is just hang out at someones house doing nothing wrong.

20

I never had a set curfew, I was either allowed to be out as late as I wanted (which was dependent on either getting a ride home or sleeping over somewhere before I could drive) or had to be home straight after school (during those periods in Jr. High and High school when my scholarly performance was…less than exemplary, let’s just say).

Once I could drive, I had to be home by midnight on school nights, but could do whatever I wanted over the weekend. I could, and often did, leave home at 6:45 AM Friday and not come home until midnight Sunday. Actually, the home by midnight thing went out the window on my 18th birthday.

As far as what activities were/are (I’m 19 now, and still live at home) acceptable: basically anything legal, or only minorly illegal, as long as there is a decent reason behind why we/I did it. The parents had no problem with me drinking in Australia (where the drinking age is 18), and I’m guessing they probably wouldn’t flip out if I told them that I drink here occasionally as well. In regards to sex, they’re letting me do my thing. My girlfriend lives about 100 miles away, and if I tell them “I’m going to see Jessie for the weekend. I’ll probably be back Monday or Tuesday” they’ll say “OK. Drive safe.” When they found out that we are sleeping together, they told me to use birth control and that it’s an age-appropriate thing to do.

All told, I’ve got pretty cool parents, and that’s not even incorporating the fact that they play paintball with me and got me Metallica tickets (and guitar pick!) for my birthday. Now, I have the feeling that every parent out there is getting paranoid about their kids running out to have drunken sex while driving illegally, and for that, I apologize.