Older teenagers staying a night in your home

In My Humble Opinion
1

Let’s try this again!

I actually know what my feelings are about this, and I know my husband’s as well. But for some reason I’m randomly curious what other people think, so I’m not only starting this thread, I’m not going to tell you our opinions upfront. Nyah, nyah, nyah. :smiley:

During dinner last night, my husband told me that his mother had called to find out whether his cousin had called us. This side of the family is a poor, close knit, rural family in Western NY. Said cousin is a 17 year old boy, who is graduating this month, and heading to a reasonably decent public college in the fall. Since the family is so close and spends most holidays and vacations together, we know him very well.

C is fairly smart, though not particularly into school; and is a moderately, though far from exceptionally, good kid. His primary interest is in skateboarding, as is his friends’. He had a minor brush with the law two years back involving some property damage, which resulted in a little community service and paying for repairs.

Apparently there is some sort of big skateboarding thing coming up in New York City, which we are within moderate commuting distance to. Something large enough that they’ll be blocking off streets for it. According to MIL’s call, he was going to be asking us if he and some friends could stay the night before at our place. (At the time, we didn’t know how many friends.) She also mentioned to my husband that C had asked as an aside whether or not we’d let them drink while they were here.

We have no children. We live in a smallish three-bedroom one-bath house, though only one of the spare rooms is made up for guests (two twin beds). We have a large finished basement with a couple of chairs, decently soft carpeting, and one of the best sleeping couches of all time. We have several dogs and cats, which makes it seem pretty crowded at times, and several video game systems upstairs and down.

Today we got an email from MIL on his behalf, formally asking if he could stay with us with four friends. (Apparently he decided that he’d have better luck with Aunt K asking for him than asking directly. :smiley: )

So, after all that - would you let five 17 year olds stay in your house?

2

Not for all the liquor in Lynchburg.

3

Yes, to the staying. No to the drinking.

4

Five if I knew all of them and had known them since baby-hood.

Three tops if I only knew one of them.

I’d be glad to feed them but no drinking.

~ 90, who at one time had four teenagers at once.

5

Honestly I would let the cousin and one or two friends stay, but no drinking, and I would make that clear up front.

I would also talk to the cousin directly, no more going through the MIL.

6

Not man enough to ask himself, not man enough to be trusted roaming the house.

ETA: when I say “trusted,” I mean “trusted to be on his Sunday behavior,” not “trusted not to steal the TV.”

7

I’d let them, but I wouldn’t let them drink. But I teach 17 year olds and so find that age group easy to deal with.

8

Possibly five kids if I knew all the kids. Of course, knowing all the kids might also make me say “hell no!” but the point would be that I was basing that on a knowledge of the kids. Cousin plus four unknown kids is too much of an unknown.

Kid plus 1 friend, maybe 2, if I didn’t know the friends.

No way would I state upfront that underage drinking is okay, and ten times no way would I allow underage drinking with a non-family kid. In reality, if it was just the cousin, depending on the circumstances I might allow a glass of wine with dinner or something similar because that is the norm in our family. But even in that situation, I would never start off by saying “come on down and drink up!”

9

Yes to the staying, definitely no to the drinking. If you need a reason, tell them you’re not going to go to jail for supplying liquor to underage drinkers.

The blessed thing about putting up teens, and especially teen males, is that they have low expectations during an overnight stay. An adult would expect a real bed, something at least offered for breakfast, and privacy, as in “guest room with door that closes”. A teen quite honestly doesn’t notice what he’s sleeping on, if you ask him what he wants for breakfast, he’ll give you a blank look and go, “umm”, because he genuinely doesn’t know, and as for privacy, pfui. They’ll all pile in like puppies and not even notice.

So don’t worry about having enough beds, and don’t worry about fixing them a nice breakfast before they go. Just make up the two beds and the sofabed you do have, make up two pallets on the floor somewhere (you can use airbeds, but big piles of extra blankets and sleeping bags work just fine and are cheaper), make sure everybody has at least one pillow, and let them duke it out for who sleeps where. Then provide a modicum of cereal and milk the next morning, and don’t worry about it.

Also, don’t worry about bonding with them–it won’t be possible. They won’t want long heart-to-heart talks, just show them where the video games and the Cokes are and let them alone.

Since you’re not going to be giving them any alcohol, I wouldn’t expect any teenage hijinx other than normal male teen goofing around. You have the right to announce, “I’m going to bed now”, and then to expect reasonable quiet afterwards.

I would also not loan them your car–the kid might be okay, but he’s going to have one friend who is a hellraiser, who will use your car to try to buy liquor, and just otherwise raise hell around town. So just say “no, sorry”, with a smile, and don’t feel like you have to rationalize or explain. You’re the adult, you’re in charge, and if you don’t feel like letting a passel of teenagers use your car for a jaunt, you don’t have to, and you don’t have to explain your decision, either.

And since you don’t know the other four kids, I would definitely put my pocketbook/wallet/car keys away somewhere inconspicuous, and make sure I was logged off everything on the computer.

Houseguests are expected to put up with however many animals happen to be on the premises. You might inquire as to whether anybody is allergic, but other than that, it’s definitely “love me, love my multitudinous cats and dogs”.

Second you talk to the kid directly at least once before he comes. This gives him ownership of his visit–he’s not a little kid being put up at the behest of his elderly female relative, he’s a man in charge of his own behavior and that of his friends.

And I’d treat him and his friends exactly as I’d treat five grown men who came to stay, with dignity and respect. They may not be grown men yet, but they think they are, and if you talk to them as though they were children, they’ll resent it, and will spend the evening after you’ve gone to bed filling up your 'puter with bestiality porn in revenge.

10

Yes to the staying, no to the drinking. It’s for one night. I wouldn’t worry about accommodations much; tell 'em to bring sleeping bags. I probably would cook a big breakfast in the morning because five 17 year old boys would appreciate it, but I don’t think you should feel you have to.

11

Duck Duck Goose gives good advice here.

12

Drinking? You’re prospectively providing he & his pals with room and board, and a clueless 17 year old wants to know if he & his buds can get his drink on while there …

and your mother in law …

instead of telling him he’s OOHFM for even broaching the question and not bothering or aggravating you with this nonsense, communicates this heartfelt inquiry as serious question to you. Communicates the inquiry as to whether you would be OK with having bunch of not-legal to drink kids drinking in your house. Cause you know those scenarios always end well, and the adults on site are never slapped with a host of charges for allowing below 21 kids to drink on site.

You’ve got an interesting MIL.

13

OK, I wasn’t going to give any opinions until later, but since it seems to be distracting people - whatever we decide, the answer to the drinking was always going to be No, No, No, and Hell No. My husband for moral reasons, and me because I’m not going to jail for enabling underaged drinking in my house. My MIL knew that would be our answer, so she was just passing it along as a funny aside. :smiley:

14

For one night? A Cousin and his friends? Probably. That’s what family is for.

Drinking. Ummmm… I drank at 15. Most of Europe does. But, you have to put your foot down if things get out of hand. And make sure they know who’s in charge.

I don’t have any children, but I do have nieces and nephews that have stayed with us. My Wife and I. But it was one at a time. It can be an enlightening and eye opening experience.

It’s up to you first if they can have a few beers in your house. (as long as it OK with their parents).

Rent a Caddy Shack type movie or two. Enjoy their company and have them enjoy yours. They are just people younger than you are.

:side note 1: One niece took time off from high school for a ski vacation. With the caveat that she would have to write a report on Colorado history to get the time off from school. She stayed with us.

I pulled out some books on the history of mining. And we talked and studied for about 2 hours. She later told my mother in law how much she loved talking to me and how much she learned. My buttons burst.

Months later, we flew home to my Wife’s family for Thanksgiving. My Aunt had just died. I found out about it at the airport. My sweet niece said to me that “I’m so so sorry to hear your Aunt died, I’m ‘just a kid’, but if you want to talk about it…”

Just a kid.

I think the clue is to treat late teens like adults. Do not speak down to them (or anyone for that mater).

Of course don’t let them drink and drive, or any of that. But they want to be treated like adults. So do it. Respect works both ways.

:side note 2: I just spent some time with family in Texas. I got to know two of my nephews better (they have both been to my house on their own for ski vacations).

Great guys (20 and 21 years old. I’m 47). Really great. Different from me but we can learn a lot from each other. One’s a skate border that wants to go into the Peace Core, the other already has a job lined up with an oil company.

Yah never know.

15

The fact that he is even curious if he (and his friends) will be allowed to drink would make me uncomfortable with having them stay. Underage drinking is illegal and the adult providing the alcohol would have liability issues if anyting went wrong. I wouldn’t take the risk. I’d give that answer to the MIL, while leaving the opening that if the 17-year-old wanted to man-up and call, you would be open to discussing what types of assurances could be provided to overcome the drinking issue.

16

The kid alone - one friend at most. Absolutely no drinking.

17

Sure. I’ve had up to five 14-year old girls here at one time. Boys age 17 would be a snap! No drinking, too many liability issues.

18

Yep, I agree with this. Yep, that’s pretty bold.

But as the true adult (the “kid’s” are trying to become adults). You might just have to put your foot down.

19

I’ve had as many as ten teenagers staying over at a time. Not always just one sex either.
Never had an issue.
I disagree with DDG and agree with enipla about interacting with them. Asking them about skateboarding. How did they get started, How do they do those tricks, ask them to do a short demo.
They will bond with you, and you will be known from then on as the cool relative. You will also see some amazing stuff on those skateboards.
Rent some movies, or take them to rent some, and watch them together. You might consider some comedies from say the 1980s that they probably didn’t see. Ruthless People comes to mind.
Have fun.

20

Another vote for yes to staying, no to drinking.

On preview, what Jodi said.