My niece is coming up to visit us. Our studio apt is kind of small and we were thinking of putting her up in a nearby hotel instead of sleeping here in the apartment with us (no privacy, and did I mention small?). So all was well until the nearby hotel became problematic. We’re now looking at one that’s a bus ride away instead of 5 minutes’ walking distance. But my partner is getting squirmy about the idea and says I’m a guy and don’t understand why I should be worried.
Niece is 18. My girlfriend is saying “An 18 year old girl, from out of town and not spectacularly street-smart, in a hotel in a big city by herself? Someone might have a pass key! I don’t like this at all!”
I’m looking back in perplexity and saying “It’s a hotel, doors lock behind you, she’s 18 and therefore an adult, she has a cellphone, it’s midtown and not Creepy Korners (49th on the west side to be precise), and she has no compelling reason to be out and about at night. Unless she wants to be. What’s wrong with it?”
Girlfriend is making noises about how we should put her up in our apartment after all. The thing is, I know she’s going to be very very uncomfortable with that if we do that. (It would not bother me so much, I’d just dress in the bathroom).
Umm, so, a poll. Would you, at 18, have felt OK with staying by yourself at a hotel in a city where you were visiting people? And would you, if you had female relatives of about that age, feel OK with the prospect of them doing something like this?
Is this one of those “guys don’t get it” things? Or is my GF internalizing an inappropriate amount of responsibility & concern and should lighten up on the mother-henning?
Absolutely no, I would not have been comfortable with that at 18, and I’d honestly have just changed my plans and not gone were that the only option. I would have been way too scared for it to be any fun at all. I agree with your girlfriend.
But it’s probably more useful to talk to your niece and see how she feels about it. Maybe she’s one of those fearless types who won’t mind.
That’s stupid. I used to ride the NYC subway, alone, at 12, in the 80s when NYC was WAY more dangerous than it is now. If the Niece feels comfortable with the arrangement, there is no earthly reason she shouldn’t look on it as an exciting adventure. Have you asked her?
BTW, on a per capita basis, NYC has the same crime rate as Boise, Idaho.
I would be more worried about her sneaking out rather than people sneaking in.
If she is not the type of teenager to go out for a night on the town by herself, than no worries.
I have stayed in many many hotels and have never felt worried about people sneaking in. If she is uncomfortable than she can put the chain on the door while she is sleeping.
I see absolutely no basis to worry about this at all. Hotel doors have those chain lock things. Also, the world is (generally) a much safer place than we are led to believe. Perhaps (with all due respect) your GF has fallen for the rampant, fearmongering brainwashing that targets females in our culture.
Part of it is a guy thing. There are plenty of real stories about women staying alone in hotels who were raped by employees with passkeys. So yes, there is a personal safety issue that men usually don’t recognize.
That said–I am a single woman and started traveling alone around age 17. I learned to be vigilant and take reasonable precautions for my personal safety. That’s all she needs to do.
That said, it would be a good idea to accompany her to the hotel the first time, to make sure she knows the right bus to take. If you think she is naive, talk to her about safety precautions she should take.
A little fear is a good thing. It helps you avoid danger. But she’s an adult now and needs to be able to handle doing adult things–like staying in a hotel alone.
As a 29-year-old woman, I have no problems staying at a hotel by myself. Doesn’t bother me a whit. As an 18-year-old, though, I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with it. Especially not if my closest relatives were a bus ride away.
On the other hand, I’m not your niece. Some factors to consider:
Is your niece a city-dweller or from the 'burbs? As a country mouse, NYC can be intimidating if you’re visiting for the first time.
How strict are her parents? Is she used to staying overnight at home by herself?
Is she the partying type? Likely to invite new “friends” back to her hotel room?
I just got back from a visit to midtown, as a 26-year-old who’d never been to that big a city before. Looking at it from my perspective, I’d say it would be a little intimidating until I got used to the bus ride, and no problem after that.
Your girlfriend has a point that, as a female, she’s more likely to be targeted than a male with similar characteristics. But, really, as long as she’s capable of taking reasonable safety precautions for herself (staying aware, not letting herself be caught alone, etc) I don’t see a serious problem with it. Definitely, ask her - she’ll be the best judge of whether she’s competent to deal with that potential challenge.
Echoing the “it all depends on your niece” statements. At 18, staying in a hotel by myself wouldn’t have bothered me, but the fact that my relatives were as far as a bus ride away would have. (But then, I really hate taking the bus.)
This is what I was going to suggest. I would have had no problems at that age either with being scared or being responsible. Everyone is different though.
Hubby says, in tones of frantic indignation, “She should stay with you even if she has to sleep on the floor!” I sometimes think Giant Freakin Marine should change his name to Giant Over-Protective WorryWort.
Ask the girl. At 18, I would have been a lot more worried about catching the wrong bus, being late, and upsetting you, than being attacked by a sadistic bellhop, along with equally worried about never-ever-in-my-whole-life escaping my overbearing relatives for even a moment – but I’m not her.
Ask the girl. As neutrally as possible, explain the options like you’re reading a cost-benefit analysis to a client, and ask which she would prefer.
Another vote for “ask her.” (I think your girlfriend is being waaay overprotective, or at least protective about the wrong thing – I’d be more worried that your niece would decide to break out the fake ID and go partying. Nevertheless, I think good hosts should ask the guest what she prefers, as a matter of general principle.)
I asked my fiancee, she said she would have been fine with it. I can also speak on behalf of my sister who did many a road trip on her own at the age of 19 and stayed in hotels alone.
If it was my kid sister though, I’d probably be escorting her to and from the hotel in the evenings.
Wow, this world has gotten to be one paranoid place. Your girlfriend is actually afraid that somebody who works for the hotel is going to use a pass key, get into the room, and rape your niece?
Turn off the endless Law & Order: SVU repeats. Seriously.
At that age, I was traipsing across the land on a Greyhound bus with less than a hundred dollars, a backpack full of clothes, no cell phone, no credit cards, and nobody knowing where the hell I was.
Met a lot of interesting people, a few of whom probably shouldn’t have been out roaming the streets, but nothing at all bad happened to me, and I sure as hell wasn’t anywhere near as secure as a hotel room.
They all have locks that you can engage from the inside to keep people out.
I think your girlfriend is severely over worrying.
I wouldn’t have felt unsafe, but perhaps uncomfortable and a bit lonely in a hotel room by myself. 18-year-olds are generally not very picky about their accommodations, at that age sleeping on your sofa would seem like the most logical solution. So if you were to suggest a hotel room, I would take it as a hint that my visit was an imposition.
She’s 18, not a child, and it’s 49th St, not some gang neighborhood. Your girlfriend is being way overprotective. Hell, when I was 17 I stayed overnight in a midtown hotel with three other people I had only met online and nothing bad happened. That said, not knowing what type of a person your niece is, you should just ask her what she wants to do.
