When I was 19, I flew across the country alone to visit grad schools, got from the airport to the hotel on my own, and didn’t run into anyone I knew or from the school for more than a day. I wasn’t scared in the slightest. I did it twice that year, without a problem.
Fear is so omnipresent in our culture it saddens me. I was taught to be empowered and street smart, not to fear staying in a hotel.
I’m female, btw.
I’d feel ok, but I wouldn’t want to do it.
Especially not NYC. Maybe if you lived in a smaller city. Or if she were bringing one of her friends along with her to visit, and the two of them were staying together in the hotel.
But, if it were just me, at 18, travelling back and forth around a city I didn’t know - and felt like I had to be hypervigilant, it would suck the fun straight out of the trip. While I wouldn’t worry about anyone getting into my hotel room - I’d also feel like I was trapped there and couldn’t go out, either. OTOH, if I were staying at my uncle’s, I’d feel a bit more secure and more able to explore around his place (or have him or his girlfriend come with me from place to place).
Where’s she from? It might be different if you’re from a smaller town or even a big city where you drive everywhere than if you’re from a larger city where you’ve spent a lot of time navigating public transportation.
Wouldn’t have bothered me at all at age 18. But then, I first lived out of home at 17, and walk around parks in the nighttime - I’m wierd. On the other hand, given the choice I’d have been happier to doss down in a corner even if people were walking past my head all night to go to the toilet (or whatever) - it just seems friendlier to stay in the house of the person you’re visiting.
Another vote for “ask her”. It’s not wierd to think she might be ok with it - it’s not wierd to think she might not. Her call.
Absolutely not. I’m not a Country Girl as such, but I grew up outside of the city and wasn’t familiar with it … if I’d been left to catch a bus to my hotel and walk there on my own, I’d have felt very insecure. Also, I’d have been jumping at every noise in the hotel, because I’d have been alone, in an unfamiliar environment, and hugely aware that nobody I knew and trusted was nearby to protect me.
That’s my take on it as a girl from an apparently similar background. If your niece is as, as you say, “from out of town and not spectacularly street-smart”, there’s no way I’d make her stay elsewhere.
So we can safely apply the words ‘street smart’ to you at that age … and that’s great. But he just finished saying that those words do NOT apply to his niece.
You can’t turn a mouse into a tiger just because it’s more convenient to you (not you specifically, catsix; ‘you’ generically) to do so.
In addition to sinjin’s excellent suggestions, how about:
[ul]
[li]she bring a same-aged friend along. A hotel room for two is hardly more expensive then a room for one, and a girsl stay in New-york is fun. I agree with everyone else that, safety aside, being alone in a hotel and hotel room might be lonely and odd for her. [/li][li]look into Bed & Breakfast that *is *a few minutes walking distance from your house. Your local tourist office should have a list of approved homes. [/li][/ul]
Looking back, that situation at 18 would have felt pretty adventurous, but not to the point of being scary. I assume if you are out late or whatever, you can accompany her back on the bus. It really shouldn’t be a problem.
The pass-key idea is absurd. If something like that is going to happen now, it can just as easily happen later. And it’s silly and regressive to say that women should never stay in hotel rooms alone.
Situations like this are a part of growing into an adult. Being independent and able to step outside of your comfort zone is an important part of being a whole person. This is exactly how people develop street smarts. And without street smarts, you risk missing out on a whole lot of life.
I agree with sugar and spice and Auntie Pam that depending on the girl, who you admit is not street-smart, it may seem very lonely to be shoved off to a hotel quite a distance away, and I might feel as if my visit were an imposition…and if a relative did this to my daughter when I had assumed she was staying with them, I would be furious. What is the purpose of her visit? If she’s coming to stay with you while she gallivants around visiting colleges or job-hunting, then she may as well stay at a hotel and just have dinner with you once or twice. But if the purpose of her visit is to visit YOU, then she should be staying with you. My first time traveling alone and staying overnight in a motel when the flight got canceled was nerve-wracking. I survived it, and nothing bad happened…but I didn’t get a wink of sleep, worrying about my security, and whether I’d wake up in time to make the flight in the morning. And I’d lived on my own in college by that time…I was no sheltered babe in the woods.
So a lot depends on your niece’s personality, the purpose of her visit, and her parents’ feelings in this case. I’d be more worried about her loneliness and feeling isolated.
At 18 I spent 3 months wandering around Asia by myself: Hong Kong, Singapore, Seoul, Taipei, Bangkok etc. I had been to Hong Kong when I was 14, and had stayed in a hotel by myself a few times previously. I was not at all concerned.
I’d have jumped at the chance to stay in a hotel at 18, rather than camping out on someone’s floor. I’m not big on camping out in cramped apartments. But if she is nervous, one of the alternate configuration suggestions (girlfriend also at hotel, or you at hotel) sounds fine. I certainly wouldn’t have been constrained by concerns about safety. Frankly I’m over in the “that seems like a bizarre concern” camp. I just don’t get it. An 18 year old is an adult, albeit a young adult.
For how long is she visiting?
One night – sleepover in your apartment, could be fun for just one overnight, even if mildly inconvenient and cramped.
Weekend – could you do two adjoining rooms in the hotel, one for her and one for you and girlfriend? That could be a fun vacation for, too. Maid service! Room service!
More than a weekend – getting a hotel for the girl seems realistic and obvious.
I would not be at all worried about the safety of a midtown hotel. I would be a little thoughtful about whether she is likely to be bored or lonely. I would pay more attention to the getting to and from the hotel. The first time, or depending on the girl, the first few times, I would take the bus with her, and all following times, I would wait with her at the bus stop. That’s more of a host thing than a protection thing – I would wait at the bus stop for anyone who was visiting me because having someone to wait with makes it more pleasant. Any time after … oh, I’d say 9 PM, I’d put her in a cab. If you are out and about to a show, dinner, etc, together, then you should drop her off at the hotel even if it is out of your way instead of parting ways at the end of the evening. Again … this is not so much about safety, but about paying attention to a visitor who is your relative.
I would also be inclined to give her the royal treatment to make the hotel seem like a real treat – flowers delivered to her room when she arrives, that sort of thing. She will then be tres sophisticated upon her return and tell all her friends (while pretending to be blase) about living the high life in the big city.
The only relevant factor is how your niece would feel about staying at the hotel, because, as someone who has lived on W51st Street for a quarter century, I can assure you that she would be in a negligible amount of danger, objectively speaking.
[half-kidding] If you can’t visit midtown Manhattan without worrying that you’re going to get raped, then the rapists have already won. [/half-kidding]
At 17, I spent a month or so travelling around England on my own, although I must admit I was staying with relatives, rather than in hotel rooms. Still, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a hotel room which didn’t have a deadbolt and/or a chain lock which would keep someone from using a pass key alone to enter it. From what I’ve seen of you, AHunter, I don’t think you’d consider letting her stay in a room which didn’t have a way of locking it from the inside.
Here’s what’s puzzling me. Your girlfriend was, I gather, ok with her staying at a hotel five minutes walk from your apartment, at least until it started going downhill. Why, then, isn’t she ok with her staying in a room that’s a bus ride away? If a Big Scary Rapist With a Pass Key ™ can get her at the hotel that’s a bus ride away, why can’t he get to her at a hotel that’s 5 minutes walk away? Please forgive my being morbit, but either way, I’m afraid that if something bad happens, you won’t be able to get to her in time to prevent it.
Ultimately, your niece should have a large say in this. I was a naive, small town girl, and for me this would have been a terrific adventure! On the other hand, she may find it a bit intimidating. If she does, having a friend travel with her or having your girlfriend stay with her sound like good ideas to me. Of course, if your girlfriend and your niece don’t get along, scratch the second option.
I’m 19 and I would jump at the chance to explore NYC on my own. For the last 6 months I’ve been living without any relatives in a foreign country anyway, so it wouldn’t be a great leap for me. But it all depends on the individual, and I know quite a number of my female friends wouldn’t be comfortable doing something like that, so it’s better to ask your niece.
I would have loved it. LOVED it. I would felt so grown-up and been thrilled to tell my friends that I was slummin’ in a Manhattan hotel.
But you should ask her. I know grown women who won’t ride the Boston T alone after 9:00 PM. If she’s not comfortable with it, she’s not.
a) We found one quite a bit closer (easy walking distance) than those we were looking at earlier. GF is less nervous. It’s quite cliean & rather nice, if very small.
b) Another option being explored: I have my own space, a room a rent within someone else’s apartment to work from. Landlady there might be open to renting a second room for a week, waiting to hear back from her. Then I could sleep there, niece in the next room, we come down together to join GF for the day’s activities in the mornings.
c) We will definitely be asking my niece how she feels about all this.
Crime aside, any non-New Yorker, especially a female, is going to take a while to get used to the harassment, both personal and incidental (no eye contact!). I don’t just mean guys jerking off on the subway or yelling ‘nice tits.’ Hobos, crackheads, nutjobs… it’s a lot to take in. Though I suppose there’s less of that lonely outsider feeling if you’re there for a week rather than, say, an NYU frosh. Hope she has a blast.
Just got off the phone with her. She says the arrangement sounds better than her dorm and she’s looking forward to it. So it looks like all systems go. Thanks, everyone, for your feedback.