An Uncomfortable Proposal

In My Humble Opinion
1

Yesterday, I received an unusual email from an old friend. It didn’t seem like a huge deal at the time, and still isn’t, but the more I’ve thought about it and talked about it since then, the more odd it seems. My friend (we’ll call her Ann) emailed me to tell me that a friend of hers was going to be in my area for some sort of training for a couple of days, and that she was very strapped for cash right now. Ann asked if I’d be comfortable with her friend staying with me during that time. Now, here are the pertinent details:

[ul]
[li]I am male.[/li][li]I live alone.[/li][li]Ann’s friend is female.[/li][li]Ann has known me for just under 15 years.[/li][li]I am not gay, and Ann knows this.[/li][li]I am not single, and Ann knows this.[/li][li]I have never met and know nothing about Ann’s friend.[/li][/ul]

As this played out in reality, it became something of a non-issue. My girlfriend will actually be staying with me during the time period in question, so I was able to very quickly say no. Further, I tend to be an extremely (to the point of being nutty) private person when I’m at home, and I’m not even fond of friends or family staying in my place, so the idea of a stranger in my home wasn’t particularly appealing. Nevertheless, someone I like a lot and care about was asking a favor of me for someone she cares about, so I know that I would have least considered it.

But then, there’s this very weird dynamic of a woman coming to stay in the home of a man she does not know. On the one hand, I feel terribly complimented to know that Ann trusts me to the degree that she’d even recommend such a set-up to her friend. But it continues to strike me as a really uncomfortable scenario to put either party in.

So what I want are your opinions. Put yourself in my shoes AND put yourself in the shoes (to the extent you can, since I don’t know anything about the mysterious woman) of Ann’s friend. How would you feel, from either perspective? What would you do? Would you go through with this proposal? Of course, please make whatever changes you’d need to make as it pertains to your own sexual preference, although I think that for this thread, we should be considering not only the idea that this woman would have been of my preferred sex, but also just the fact that – sexual preferences aside – there are people of the opposite sex cohabiting here. Feel free to ask me any clarifying questions.

The poll is set up as multiple choice, so please answer once from my perspective and once from the woman’s perspective. Thanks!

2

I would be more likely to allow someone to stay with me than to stay with someone. Heck, I don’t even like staying with relatives. Having a strange man in my living space might be okay or might be really really weird.

3

I voted:

[ul]
[li]From Asimovian’s perspective, I’d think about it, but I’d probably say no.[/li][li]From the woman’s perspective, I’d think about about it, but I’d probably say yes.[/li][/ul]Your friend is putting you in a fairly uncomfortable position. If this woman is in town for training, what is she training for and why isn’t her employer footing the bill?

From the woman’s perspective, I think I would be uncomfortable staying in the home of a man I’ve never met. However, taking in to account that my friend (“Ann”), and the man have been friends for 15 years, and that I’m in a fairly desperate financial situation, I’d probably agree.

4

Agent Foxtrot, I didn’t get specific details, but I got the impression that the woman isn’t actually employed, but is seeking training to gain employment. I could be wrong, but let’s operate on that assumption, at least for the purpose of this thread.

5

I’ve let FOAFs and Internet Friends crash at my place in the past so I’d have no problem letting this FOAF stay, with the large caveat that were I single and in possession of a jealous girlfriend I would carefully consider the girlfriend’s views before answering yes or no to letting a strange woman stay. I’m not ruining a relationship over this.

As the stranger in need, if Ann says the guy is okay and I’m that strapped for cash, I’d go for it.

6

I’m an essentially shy and private person. There is no way I’d feel comfortable staying with a stranger/having a stranger to stay , let alone a stranger of the opposite sex.

That said, I have stayed with someone I met online, but had never previously met IRL. But we’d been online friends for about 8 years when I stayed with her (I’m female too), so she wasn’t a complete unknown.

7

I said no on both ends of the question. In your position I absolutely would not consider it because you have nothing to gain and everything to lose. She could rob you, she could bring drugs/weapons/baboons/etc. into your house, she could accuse you of rape or sexual assault, or any number of things that could cause tremendous amounts of trouble for you. In her position I said that I would consider it but would probably say no because, while I would be gaining something from the situation, it would be too dangerous for me to justify staying with a strange man when I could pay $29 a night for a cheap room at Motel 6 and not have to worry about that kind of thing.

8

You know, my friend, I might have voted differently had I first considered the baboon angle.

:cool:

9

For me, this would to a large extent depend on “Ann.” I have a couple friends who I know absolutely wouldn’t ask me to have someone stay in my place unless it was important and who would never suggest having someone stay with me would would cause even the slightest problem.
I have other friends who’s judgment I don’t trust enough for me to agree to such an arrangement, on either side.

So, it’s “probably no” for most of my friends, “probably yes,” for a couple. (From both perspectives.)

10

I’ve experienced so much kindness and hospitality from strangers in my travels around the world that I always seek to pay it forward when I can.

I agreed to almost the exact same thing a year or so ago, and there was no problem - and I gained a new friend.

11

I wasn’t thinking in terms of sexual assault, but I said no (both from the host/guest’s POV) because I don’t want someone staying with me (or to stay with) a total stranger. That’s creepy.

12

About the same for me, with a caveat. I have a couple of friends who 1.) Would only make such a request if it was really important 2.) Would only make such a request if they were really sure the person was fine. For them, I’d say yes in the case described. Other friends are probable noes.

The caveat is that for one of the communities I’m involved with, folk dance, there’s a tradition of crashing on friend of a friend’s couches and floors. If the request is “can my friend crash on your floor after the dance” the answer is much more likely to be yes, even though the request would be made more casually.

13

This is my feeling. I am very private and don’t like to have people who might smoke, leave a mess, etc., but if Ann is my friend and says she’s OK, I might risk it. If I didn’t, I’d make an effort for my friend’s sake to try to find the woman a decent low-cost alternative.

14

If it’s relevant to anyone, I will say that my “no” to Ann included an offer to contribute to the friend’s hotel costs. I was told that the friend had lived in my area in the past and could likely find someone to stay with so the hotel wouldn’t be necessary. But I find that odd because, if this woman has friends or family in the area, why wouldn’t she just start there instead of having Ann reach out to a stranger?

15

I say that it’s entirely dependent on Ann. If Ann is a rock solid, close and trusted friend of both parties, no problem. Otherwise, forget it. And for me, that would be the answer regardless of the involved genders.

16

What are friends for if you can’t call in a favor every now and again?

17

Yeah, I just see it as a friend asking if a friend can crash on the couch while traveling. It hasn’t really come up since I was in my 20s and that was more common, but I’d probably think it’s okay now.

18

That’s weird. One, as a single woman, I would never go stay at some strange man’s house alone, even if it’s a friend of a friend (if the co-friend is there, that’s a different story). As a person with my own home, short of a best friend’s relative or something*, I don’t want strangers staying at my house.
*A friend had a baby last year and her whole family came out from Iowa to help her out and meet the baby. I offered up my house if they needed space, but that’s different to me, since it’s family and not just some buddy.

19

Same here. Repaying debts to the universe. I’ve stayed with and received strangers of either sex on more than one occasion.

Incidentally, the fact of whether the or not this person was of my preferred sex is quite incidental to me. I’d imagine that a trusted friend of a friend would not try to jump me unless we decided we mutually wanted to jump each other, in which case, yay. If I had any concerns it would more about whether this person was annoying, expecting too much in way of entertainment, was chatty first thing in the morning etc.

20

I don’t find it odd at all. If I had to go to training in Orange County that required my full attention, I would far rather stay with a stranger rather than my demanding mother. There’s all sorts of family dynamics (including having to have a meal with every cousin in a 30 mile radius) that makes staying with family on a business trip unappealing.

I’ve had friends of friends stay in my house, but only while I’ve been married. I’m sure my husband would have said yes to Asimovian’s scenario, but he’s very generous when it comes to letting people stay with him in the short-term.

The other way to deal would have been asking Ann to stay with Asimovian, and let the friend stay in Ann’s place.