You're my houseguest

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Our relationship is exactly as it is this very moment - some of you have met me, most have not - but for whatever reason, I have invited you to stay at my house for a short period of time - let’s say a week. Once you arrive, I help you get settled in the guest room, show you where the spare towels and TP are, offer you refreshment, and your visit begins. I show you where the glasses, coffee cups, and ice can be found. I’ll set up the coffee maker if you need it. I point out the pantry and where we keep our sodas. I’ll give you the WiFi password. And, quite sincerely, I invite you to make yourself at home and ask if there’s anything you need.

Now what? As a charming host, I’ll make conversation and do my best to ensure you’re at ease, because I’m nice, dammit. :wink: We may do some touristy things or go out to eat (in a plague-free world) and let’s assume we enjoy each other’s company. But I don’t feel it’s my duty to entertain you 24/7, and I assume you’ll enjoy some time to yourself.

Would you feel comfortable enough to make yourself a drink or sandwich, or grab some pretzels from the pantry? Would you wander around, looking at the assorted artwork hanging on the walls? Would you want to take a walk around the neighborhood then come back inside without feeling the need to knock? Would you want to play the piano? Would you ask to use the washer if you ran out of clean underwear? Would you feel compelled to scrub the tub after you shower? Bottom line, how at home do you feel when you’re a houseguest?

2

The first few things I ask about when staying at someone’s place (even when it’s a paid AirBnB) are access/keys, acceptable noise levels, and where the host/other guests sleep. I usually stay up late and I want to be at ease walking from my room to the toilet/kitchen/garden/balcony and back. I want to know where I can smoke, where the coffee is, and I want to be sure no one around me is a light sleeper. I don’t make a lot of noise usually, but I may want to go out late at night (if I’m visiting a foreign country and am in the mood for checking the nightlife out), and it’s important for me to be relaxed coming back late, sliding my keys into the keyhole and walking to my room, using the restroom etc without worrying about disturbing someone else.

Trash can/garbage bin location are also important to figure out so I can save my host the trouble of cleaning around.

Even at your invite, I would not open any sealed jars (jam, peanut butter, pickles, or something else) and would rather use something already open, and preferably inexpensive (I wouldn’t open your can of imported Iranian caviar).

I would never be comfortable enough to cook a meal, even if it involves as little effort as frying a couple of eggs. I would make a sandwich, but only if I absolutely must. My preference would be to wake up early before everyone else, go to the nearest coffee shop, have my coffee and breakfast there, read the news and come back with this taken care of.

I would look at paintings/artwork in common areas, and only out of courtesy. I wouldn’t ask personal questions about people in pictures in case they are no longer with us. I wouldn’t play the piano, but would play some soothing music in my room if I have portable speakers.

I wouldn’t scrub the tub after a shower, but I’ll make sure everything in the bathroom is clean after use.

If I am staying long enough, I would also like to know where the washing machine is, how to operate it, and if you have certain instructions on operation times (washing machines can be noisy).

The thing that matters most to me wherever I go is a sufficient level of white noise that drowns out general household noise. I don’t want you and your kids to be listening intently as I take care of my business or get ready, and I’m most comfortable when things are generally ‘going on in the background’.

3

If you’d told me to feel free to raid the refrigerator, or however you’d put it, then I’d feel free to do so. If you hadn’t told me, then if we ate on wildly different schedules I might ask, rather than go hungry till you got around to it. I might also ask to cook a meal for both of us. I probably wouldn’t open things without checking (even if told to go ahead and feed myself) unless there was a lot of them – if you’d said ‘feel free to make yourself lunch’ and there were four cans of tuna, I’d open one, but not if there was only one of them. I’d try not to finish the last of anything. And I wouldn’t open the caviar, or whatever, unless specifically told to do so.

I would wander around looking at artwork and books visible in common rooms and in my own sleeping room. I wouldn’t go look in other bedrooms, or what appeared to be a private office, unless specifically invited; and I wouldn’t open cabinets, closed desks, etc. I might take something to read from open shelves in a common room; if I really knew you only as well as I do now – which is effectively not at all – I’d ask, in general, if it was OK to do this.

I’d want to take a walk around the neighborhood and come back inside, but I’d tell you if I was doing that (by leaving a note if I thought you were asleep or otherwise not to be disturbed). I’m not sure if I’d knock, given that you gave me a key, but I’d call out as I came through the door when coming back, again unless I thought you were asleep or otherwise didn’t want to be disturbed.

I can’t play the piano, but if I could I’d ask first, before using that or any musical instrument, or before using any tools (though if you’d told me to go ahead and use the kitchen, I’d assume that included ordinary kitchen tools). I would definitely ask if I wanted to use the phone or computer – though I might pick up a landline if it rang while nobody else was home and I’d forgotten to ask in advance how to handle that.

I would definitely ask to use the washer if I were even close to running out of clean underwear. I’d ask, though. I’d be startled and a bit disgruntled if you told me no, unless there was something weird about the washer or the water supply; but if you did tell me no I’d respect it. (This is a difference from the tools etc., I wouldn’t be disgruntled to be told no about those.) I’d assume that when I asked if I could use it you’d tell me about any unusual instructions needed, and also that you’d tell me about any time restrictions.

I wouldn’t scrub the tub unless asked to, though I’d be quite willing to do so if asked. I would clean up any obvious mess I made in the bathroom, or for that matter elsewhere in the house. If I were there for an extended time – multiple days – I’d ask if I could help with the housecleaning. Even if I were just there for one meal, I’d ask if I should help with the dishes/cleanup.

How at home I feel is affected by who I’m staying with. These days, even pre-Covid, if I’m staying with somebody it’s generally close friends or family, and a lot of this becomes looser – I’d assume I should pitch in and clear the table and wash things, and that I could use the washing machine if I checked when, and that I could take books off the shelves, and that if they weren’t in their bedroom at the moment I could go in and talk to the cat, and so on. I wouldn’t assume any of that if for some reason I was staying with somebody I hadn’t previously known well.

4

Part of what prompted this question - my inlaws just spent 2 weeks with us. Even tho I’ve been married to their son for over 37 years and we’ve spent time in each other’s homes, they still asked if it was OK to have some ice cream or some potato chips. I’d told them several times no food items were reserved for anything, but they still always asked. Perhaps a generational thing?

At least they no longer share a single bath towel. Seriously, the first couple of times they visited us here (we’ve been here 16 years) even tho I’d put out plenty of towels and such, they’d only use one towel, and if I didn’t take it to the laundry, they’d continue to use it. Thankfully, they’ve gotten over that quirk. They even let me throw their laundry in with ours. (Basement laundry room - neither of them could manage the stairs.)

Some years back, I stayed with friends for a month or so when my husband’s job moved before mine. I’d known these friends since college - more than 20 years prior - but I still felt awkward and a bit intrusive in their home. Fortunately, I had a car, I was still working, and I had other friends in the area, so we had plenty of apart time. Never really did feel at home there. I can’t imagine what it would have been like with someone of a shorter acquaintance.

5

I’m 69, and if you’d told me no food items were reserved I wouldn’t have kept asking every time I wanted something.

And my older sister and BIL make themselves entirely free in my house – to the point at which, when I once asked BIL if they’d maybe taken a particular coffee mug with them, he said ‘Oh we just think of those as interchangeable between family houses’ and when I asked them to bring it back with them next time, because that specific cup had a date on it that meant something to me, he looked a bit grumbly, though they did bring the cup back.

(I make myself pretty free in their house, too. See about going in their bedroom to talk to the cat.)

So I think this is less likely to be generational than a matter of how different families handle things.

6

I’m somewhat socially awkward in other people’s houses (and outside them, if we’re being honest). Until last year, I’ve been regularly staying at a friend’s place when visiting the old stompin’ grounds. Even after years of regularly staying there I’d still check every time if it was OK even to use something like ketchup. I’m a lot younger’n your inlaws, so I don’t think it’s a generational thing.

I grew up in a household with a very limited range of ‘help yourself’ foods- basically fruit was fair game if it was in the fruit bowl, and basic sandwich making stuff was available if at home alone. My mother did not approve of snacking, and meals were to be served out in set portions at a fixed time, and everything in the fridge or freezer was designated as for said meals.

It would not occur to me to use the washing machine without asking. I’ll tidy up, but I’m not keen on using other people’s cleaning stuff without them saying what they use for what, beyond such obvious things as using a dustpan and brush.

7

I wouldn’t open any doors or cabinets that you didn’t specifically show me. I wouldn’t use the washing machine or turn on any appliance like that without asking first. I’d be slightly hesitant to turn on or off some lights. Otherwise I’ll try to be quiet and if you like I’ll cook up some fantastic food for you, or take you out to a nice restaurant.

8

I have the sort of family with which I feel comfortable making myself pretty well at home, even if I’m in a home I never stayed in as a child. My family has an unwritten rule that no one pays for lodging if there is a relative close by. If someone is coming through the Midwest, and Indianapolis is a convenient place for a stop, I get a call. I might not be able to give them much more than a cot or air mattress, and a sleeping bag (depends how many and how young), but I will cook good meals, and they will know when to show up.

If they want to do anything special, they let me know ahead of time, and I arrange it if I can.

If they need a babysitter, the boychik gets $5/hour for the first kid, and $3 for each additional kid. Yes, he does diapers. No, I will not help him. He is 14 1/2, and perfectly capable.

When I am the guest, I always offer to cook a meal, or bake some bread and desserts. I really am a pretty good cook.

If it’s other-than-relatives, though, it’s tougher. I don’t think I’d last in someone else’s house more than a few days, trying to be polite.

Now, the summer of 2019, I spent 6 weeks in Costa Rica, with a host family, who was getting paid to take me. Not a huge sum, but enough. Their obligation was to provide me with a clean room and bathroom, breakfast and dinner every day, and do my laundry, and provide internet. They had wifi, and it was pretty good.

Not required, but they allowed me to keep snack food in my room as long as it was well-contained and did not attract bugs. I was also allowed to use the fridge, but I always asked every time I put something in it.

I had to keep my room neat. They emptied the trashcan every day, but trash that wasn’t in the can would not be picked up (not a problem); laundry in the hamper was washed, but laundry not in the hamper was not (fine-- I’d wear the same yoga pants for sleep a couple of days in a row normally, so I put them in the closet).

I did not have to help with dinner or the dishes, but I always offered. It gave me a chance to talk to my hosts in Spanish, among other things, and I was there to go to a college and take intensive Spanish classes.

My host family had very clear rules about everything. I really appreciated that. I had my own key to the house. There was no curfew, but meals were at a certain time, and if I missed one, it was my problem.

I followed the rules, and was surprisingly comfortable there. My host mother didn’t speak English, but she had several years experience speaking Spanish with people who were still learning.

I never overstepped my bounds, but as I was paying, I was comfortable with stepping right up to them-- for example, finding someone when the wifi went out, and requesting that they try resetting it immediately, as I was working on a project. If I’d been a non-paying guest, I would not have done that.

9

I have no problem treating your house as my house under the conditions described in the OP.

I will at some point during the week go buy groceries and make us all a nice dinner.

10

First of all, I’m assuming this is two weeks after we’ve all had our shots (makes us sound like puppies).

But since I have almost zero boundaries, if you say it’s okay to wander into the kitchen after midnight in my boxers and grab a bowl of Trix, I’m making myself totally at home.

The “making you a nice meal” is a great idea! Thanks, Grrr…

11

We’ve never met in person but we’ve communicated on here for over 20 years, so I feel like I know you, and what’s more important, you seem to still like me. :thinking: Anyway, your house, your rules.
I really am a quiet, considerate, self cleaning house guest and won’t mess with anything you don’t specifically tell me I can. I’d like to go out to FCD’s shop and see his tools, especially his 3D printer, (I want a small one) but I’ll keep my hands to myself unless he asks me to help him with something.

The only place where there might be any friction at all is I might try to help you cook, until you tell me to get out of your kitchen. And I might make a face if you put catsup on your scrambled eggs, but I won’t say anything.

Generally, I’ll try to behave the way I’d want you to behave in my house.

12

Thinking about this again –

I think that if I had family who behaved like that in my house, I’d behave like that in their house.

13

Coming up on three years ago I stayed with my best friend of 20+ years when he had his first kid. It was ostensibly so that I could help them learn to deal with the kid. In reality they had a month of their parents then before me so it was mostly a vacation aside from teaching them some soothing techniques.

I didn’t scrub the shower but I cleaned the sink and bathroom a counter after each use so that you couldn’t tell that I had been in there. I’m not a snacker so I didn’t help myself to their pantry and we sat down to every meal as a family. I didn’t help clean the house though I did do some of my own laundry since I’d been on the road for almost 2 weeks prior to showing up I did get help from them on how to use their machine. I only left the house with one of them and I don’t generally leave on my own when I’m visiting someone. I did freak out the wife one night when she came out to the living room to feed the kid and found me up watching the world series with the sound way down. She thought she would be alone. I’ll generally hold off on my preferences for music or TV or games until I’m alone unless the host insists or its important and pretty much everything is done communal.

I haven’t stayed at someone’s house except to visit them in 7 years when my now wife and I were homeless between ending corporate housing and closing on the house we were buying. We stayed at a friend’s house for a week when he was on vacation elsewhere for a week. In that case we made ourselves at home then cleaned the house before we left and they got back.

14

That’s because when their kids were growing up, the kids were not permitted to get into the ice-cream or potato chips. So now that their kids have grown up, they observe the same rules in their kid’s house. “You can have anything you want to eat - whatever’s in the fridge or cupboard” does not include desert or chips! You can have some real food if you’re hungry!

No point in making them feel uncomfortable about it – they internalized those rules 50 years ago.

15

I didn’t say anything to them about always asking - it just struck me as odd. And the only way to keep their 3 growing sons out of the snacks was for my MIL to hide them in Kotex boxes! :joy::joy::joy:

16

FCM - There’s a difference between guests and family. If I went to stay with family, I’d feel comfortable helping myself to items in the fridge, would expect to help with meal prep/table setting.clean up. Your in-laws have issues.

If I was coming to visit you, as an internet friend (and I’ve stayed with some internet friends in the past), I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing more than making toast, or having cereal, that sort of thing. I wouldn’t open anything unopened. I’d bring my own Coke, since I am a soda purist. I would treat if we went out to eat. If you were working while I was visiting, I’d want a key and work entertain myself with touristy stuff. I’d make a point to either be there at mealtimes or ask what meal plans were. Not expecting you to spoon feed me, but if you’re providing food, I don’t want to you have to wait for me to show up to eat.

If I needed to use the laundry, I’d ask; and when I left, I’d probably strip the bed and bundle the sheets and my towel and put it in your laundry room.

StG

17

I’m going to mix up a chocolate shake with Kaluha and sit on the patio and watch the sunset by a fire. Care to join me?

18

I agree there’s definitely a difference between family and friends, and yes, my inlaws have issues. Oddly enough, when I visit my own mom, I don’t feel entirely at home, mainly because she and Dad moved into that house 6 years after I’d left home, so it never was my home. But I have no problems raiding her fridge. :smiley:

As I’ve gotten older, I’m less shy about asking things. At one point in my life, I’d have been embarrassed to ask for a replacement roll of TP. I’ve gotten over that. But I still try hard not to be a bother, while not making it obvious I’m trying, if that makes sense.

You’re my new favorite houseguest! :wink:

19

I think I would be comfortable doing everything, except perhaps scrubbing the shower (if you meant spray shower spray or wipe the glass down with my towel, that I would do, so maybe I’m misunderstanding the scrub part).
I enjoy art people chose to have around them and enjoy chatting about it, also if there are family pictures I like to hear the story behind the picture if we are just sitting around relaxing. I wouldn’t knock coming back in after a walk outside. I would be careful about not letting pets out unless I knew they were supposed to be outside. You might have to check, if I think I can get away with it, I might entice your dog or kitty to nap with me. I’d always use a coaster and be dressed or in a modest robe when I stepped out into the hall. I also don’t take the last of anything without checking or open up a luxury food item unless you’d told me I should, but chips or a sandwich, a slice of pie-sure.

I think parents try to not be a bother about the bare ass wrong things. You’d be much happier him they’d move close to you so you could be ‘bothered’ to be sure they were ok and drive them to the doctors, etc, but no they don’t bother you by eating an apple before bedtime but make you hold your breath every day from 600 miles away for months on end.

I hope to someday get a chance to enjoy your hospitality, but I won’t expect to sit in your recliner-I’m nice that way.

20

Quite frankly, I would never be your houseguest. I’m sure you are a lovely person with a beautiful and well appointed home. I mean no insult at all.

The last time I slept in someone else’s home was almost 40 years ago, when I was trying my not-yet hubs out and that only happened twice.

I will fly out to visit you, take you out for dinner or enjoy something you have made. I will plan my visit around your schedule and would certainly be happy to help out with chores and such.

The idea of using your shower is why I would be staying at a hotel. Its not that I would think that you don’t clean your shower. Its certainly not like I couldn’t clean the shower if I thought it wasn’t up to my standards.

I just cannot bathe in someone else’s home. I’ve never showered in a gym and I don’t go to public pools. I’m perfectly comfortable hanging out by the pool at the nudist colony, as long as I have shade and tons of sunscreen, but I’m totally NOT getting into the pool or hot tub.