From either side. As a host, which of your possessions would you expect a house guest to freely use if s/he wanted, which to ask for permission to use, which not to think about using?
Similar questions from the other side, but mainly, what things would you simply assume you were free to use, simply because you were a guest?
What brought this to mind was I overheard a co-worker complaining about the ‘nerve’ of some house guest who hadn’t asked for permission before using various things in her house. Included in the things she griped about were 1) her stove & teakettle to boil water for a cup of tea and 2) the BAR OF SOAP in the shower! :eek:
The last, especially, flabbergasts me. I generally travel with my own soap because I have sensitive skin, but when I’ve forgotten, I’ve blithely used whatever was in the soap dish without the slightest idea I was trespassing. :o
Depends on the status of the guest. If it’s my immediate family, I’ll have already hidden anything I don’t want them to find, so anything in the house is theirs for the using.
For friends/casual acquaintances, routine supply items are no problem–soap, shampoo, towels, etc. Most food items are ok…but let’s not thaw a turkey breast because you wanted a sammidge, please.
Only my father and my best friend are allowed to open the gun cabinet without my direct supervision and permission.
I was alway taught it is your responsibility to make the guest feel at home at your home.
That means make him feel at home, not like a guest in your house. That saying as long as the guest doesn’t snoop around in my closets or drawers he should have access to my home.
Obviously this wouldn’t apply to kids who don’t know any better.
Guests have certain social responsibilities too, but if you say, grab a cup of coffee and your guest uses a piece of antique china, you don’t correct him. People are always more important than things.
Let’s see…my computer, unless I know that the guest is aware of spyware and malware threats. For instance, my daughter is allowed to use my computer. My mother isn’t. My mother does stuff like download any shit that pops up and claims to add value to the computer. Shall we just say “Comet Cursor”?
I don’t want my guests to work on my needlework projects unless they ask first. I have my own system, TYVM, of organizing the threads and other supplies. Please don’t mess it up for me.
I will point out certain things that I particularly want my guests to use. My daughter is allergic to Dial soap, which we customarily use, so I show her the Cetaphil that I bought specifically for her. I also show her where I put the snacks that she loves. She is allowed and encouraged to play with our cats.
I encourage my daughter to cook when she visits. She’s a good cook, and we miss some of her meals. She lives waayyyy over on the East Coast now, and we’re in Texas, so she always stays with us when she visits.
We don’t have a dedicated guest room so the only people who ever come to stay are close relatives, all of whom have opened their home to me at some point and so are free to use whatever is there. Still when someone visits we go through and hit “Help yourself to towels here. This is where the sweaters are if you get chilly.” They get the rundown on the remotes.
I would be surprised if anyone presumed to use something more personal like a comb or a shaver. I say “help yourself to anything in the kitchen” and I mean it but I think I’d raise an eyebrow if I came in and a guest was doing much beyond a cup of tea or toast or scrambled eggs without some kind of heads up “hey I’m dying for some (?)…mind if I cook?”.
How free I feel as a house guest depends on the nature of the visit. At all of those relatives’ homes I show up with little more than a toothbrush and clean underwear…and not necessarily 14 pairs for a 2 weeks stay because I feel perfectly at ease throwing my stuff in their washers.
I’ve been the guest of some acquaintances and my personal goal is to make as absolutely little impact as possible. I become keenly aware of my responsibility to the world to demonstrate that I was, in fact, raised right. I do a lot of sitting quietly with my ankles crossed demurely and my hands folded in my lap on those types of trips. I also say "Please dont’ go to any trouble quite a bit.
Why, guests can use whatever they find in the house, of course!
That’s why it’s the solemn responsibility of the hosts to hide anything they don’t want the guest to use, and guests should not look behind closed doors - be they rooms, closets, or cabinets - unless they were invited to do so.
:: boggle :: People DO this?? I wouldn’t DREAM of touching someone else’s project.
Please ask before using my computer to check your e-mail, so I can close up/save anything I’m working on and make sure you have a connection, but if you are a child who wants to surf and play games, you will likely be told no. This is my work computer and it needs to stay pristine. I would also expect to ask before using someone else’s computer, work machine or not, because each one has its quirks.
Otherwise, we pretty much tell people that the servants are on vacation and they can help themselves. Our guests tend to have common sense and good manners. That’s why we invite them back!
No one is allowed to go into the family bedrooms without the permission of the person who sleeps in that room. That means that neither Kim nor I will give permission for anybody to go into my stepdaughter’s bedroom, vice versa.
You have not met the non-skald Rhymers, clearly. I think it’s a side effect of large families; many of my siblings and first cousins lack privacy boundaries.
hm, i tend to point out where we keep most things, the fun types of teas and coffees, where the junk food is and the trick to convincing the microwave to work and how to adjust the temp on the shower, and where the towels are. I have a ‘guest’ profile on my computer that they can use.
I keep a good selection of hotel soaps and shampoos, and a few spare toothbrushes around, and some disposable razors. I also have a couple different sizes of scrubs around as spare clothes if someone gets messed up and needs to change out and wash/dry their clothes.
In general, the only people who show up are invited and tend to bring their own stuff, but accidents happen =)
My husband is part of a large family, and his relatives also lack privacy issues. When his father was still alive, he’d drop by without asking, and usually he’d start rooting around in our closets, cabinets, and drawers. If he found something he liked, he wasn’t shy about demanding it, either. Or he’d just tell us that he was taking it. I’m sure (but have no proof) that there were times when he didn’t even tell us he was taking something. His mother wasn’t quite as bad, but she wasn’t shy about asking if she could have this vase or that apron.
His relatives are one of the reasons why I am so aggressive about defending my privacy and territory.
My mother did once ask if she could have my 27 inch television. However, she had the extremely reasonable argument that I’d never actually turned it on since breaking up with my girlfriend, and I had only kept it after said breakup to piss off said girlfriend.
You all make me feel so normal! Okay, so I wasn’t being unbearably intrusive when I used the house soap. Whew!
As a hostess, I’m easy with guest using all my ‘normal’ stuff, that is, what’s visible and in kitchen cabinets and such. Just don’t go excavating through my desk and file cabinet!
Oh, and if you use something up, please tell me so I can buy more and not be surprised halfway through a recipe and find I no longer have any raisins…
I don’t have many rules. Our bedroom is generally locked, but even if they went snooping I’d be more amused that they might get embarrassed finding some contraband than ashamed myself.
I encourage guests to be at home and feel free to use the media stuff, the kitchen, whatever they like. My computer stays password locked at all times, so they need to ask me for access, other than that they’re welcome to everything.
As an ex-pat, I’ve had a few house-guests that have stayed for any time between one night and two months.
The first thing I tell people when they arrive is that they can help themselves to the fridge and pantry at any time.
My family are professional tea drinkers, I don’t drink tea, so if they want a cup of tea they need to put the kettle on themselves because it just doesn’t occur to me.
I also offer use of anything bathroom related, soap, shampoo, whatever, I tell them to help themselves to our stuff.
I show them how to work the TV and they’re welcome to watch any DVDs.
Most friends bring their own laptops, and I will put in the password so they can jump on our wireless. I’d expect someone to ask before using my own computer though.
For longer stayers, we’d generally do the weekly shop together and either alternate who pays, or they give me cash for what percentage they feel is theirs.
I think a lot depends on length of time and the closeness of the guests. If it’s just an overnight visit, I wouldn’t guess that the guests need to use a whole lot of your personables - I’d set out a towel for them & bedding stuff, and anything that comes out of a bottle (shampoo, toothpast, mouthwash), have at it.
As a guest, I don’t feel comfortable eating other people’s food - even eggs & such - unless they are in the kitchen or have told me to help myself. Particularly food that requires me to cook (and therefore root around their kitchen for pots and pans). Food might be a bigger deal among college-aged people though - if a guest ate three eggs and a zucchini, I’d notice that I was short on eggs and zucchini within the next couple days. I wouldn’t really care, but would be happier knowing at/ahead of the time what’s going to be missing.
When I have people visit, most things are fair game except my computer (requires asking first) and anything that requires extensive rummaging to locate (if you need something buried in a cabinet, I’ll find it for you). I don’t generally care if someone just walks in and cooks in my kitchen, though I might find it a bit weird if they’re making something really elaborate. I’ll get annoyed if they don’t make enough for the household or at least ask if anyone else wants some.
Others are welcome to use my soap, but if they leave hairs behind, especially if they’re clearly not from above the neck, I’ll throw it out and open a new bar.
Use without comment:
Anything in the bedroom they’re using, with the exception of, say, off-season clothing we store in the spare bedroom.
Anything whatsoever in the kitchen / dining room / family room - food, appliances, etc.
Anything in the bathroom except in-use toothbrushes - i.e. towels, soap, shampoo etc.
Use with comment: the computer. Anything in my bedroom / bathroom or the kids’ bedroom.
I’d actually be more restrictive on what I used in a friend’s house - e.g. wouldn’t make free with the food in the kitchen without at least briefly confirming its availability (what if they counted on it for something).