Houseguests (was this acceptable?)

In My Humble Opinion
1

My girlfriend (let’s call her Cherry) is in decompression mode. Her cats are in therapy.

Three of her friends came into town for the weekend. Let’s call them, say, Dick, Suzy and Topher. They’re on a two week vacation throughout New England, and planned to stay with my girlfriend for a total of four nights, including the last two. Since they are family, they made themselves right at home. Dick decided they needed some fresh air, and so turned off the AC, opened the blinds, and opened the windows. Cherry let Dick and Suzy sleep in her room, which was soon set upon with a cavalcade of suitcases and diapers.

The cats hid under the bed them whole time, except when one came out and Topher threatened to kick it–presumably to get Dick’s attention. I’m not sure what was going on with him, but I think jet lag, overcrowding, and lack of sleep and running space made him a bit psycho. But he was far from the little angel I thought he was. Especially when his father was around.

After dinner, Dick insisted that he do the dishes. Cherry asked him not to. He did it anyway, and often put things back in the wrong places. This drove Cherry nuts.

Now don’t get me wrong, these are dear friends, and indeed family (in Suzy’s case, literally). But Cherry, like me, is a bit of an introvert and likes a lot of alone time.

Was Dick wrong to make himself at home like that? I know that New Englanders have a reputation for being cold and unfriendly. And people I know in the West and South tend to have a me casa e su casa (sp?) policy. My sister in Florida was perfectly comfortable with her next door neighbor walking in unannouced and making a pot of coffee. My parents (also in Florida) are the same way. So maybe it’s a regional thing. (Although Dick lives in Aspen, he grew up in Manhatten.)

So what’s acceptable? Is it OK to insist on doing your host’s dishes even if she says she prefers you not to? Is it OK to adjust your host’s climate control? At what point does neighborly turn into overbearing? As a host, how much latitude should you allow your guests?

2

I’d say no, if you’re a guest you really should respect the “rules” of the house.

If I’m a guest in the house, I’ll offer to do the dishes. If I’m told no, I will offer again out of politeness. If I’m rejected a second time, then I won’t do them. I’m not so fussy about where our dishes go, but I know some people really have their systems set up and don’t like it being messed with.

Same for the aircon. If I was uncomfortable, I’d ask if I could open a window or turn up the AC or whatever. I wouldn’t just do it, not unless I’d already been told I could. And even then I’d still ask.

I dunno. I’m one of those introverted sorts, though, so I guess I’ve got a different opinion on how it’s supposed to work.

3

Having guests is difficult. Being a guest is difficult. Everyone makes accomodations and tries to enjoy each other’s company. However, if a guest or one of their little darlings threatens to hurt one of my animals, the guests will be asked to leave pronto.

4

I guess I could handle about anything but someone kicking one of my cats. You didn’t say how old the “little darling” is but I could see something like that putting an end to a visit.

5

Anyone who kicks my cats or messes with my AC is just asking for trouble.

Hehehe, seriously, no, it wasn’t acceptable. (The past week if Dick had done that at my house, we would have roasted).
As for the dishes, meh, I’d cut a little slack, since he was obviously trying to help.

6

Somehow the AC thing jumps out at me as over the line. If you’re my guest, I certainly want you to feel at home, so feel free to muddle about in the kitchen or whatever. But adjusting someone else’s climate control…I dunno. Brings up all sorts of childhood “don’t touch my thermostat!” issues for me.

I’m rethinking that recently, though. My girlfriend and her family recently stayed with me for a few days when a nearby chemical plant exploded and they got evacuated. My girlfriends and I treat each other’s houses as our own, so I figured they’d do as they pleased and mostly they did. It wasn’t until they were leaving that one of the kids mentioned being glad to get back home where it’s cooler, and it struck me that I keep my place a bit warmer than they do. I asked my gf if she’d been uncomfortable and she said it was no big deal, they adjusted, but then I felt bad realizing they’d been too warm. I could have adjusted with more clothes or whatever, I wish they had turned the AC down or at least said something.

So, meh, I don’t think it was too over the top. She probably said something like “make yourselves at home” and they took her literally. They didn’t mean to offend, I’m sure.

I’ve been told before I’m way outside the norm on this one, though. All my friends and family have keys to my home and I have theirs, so it wouldn’t have pinged on my weirdness level but everyone else’s mileage usually varies.

7

The spreading themselves around the house was rude-- as a guest, I try to stay clean and to a semi confined area.

Messing with the air conditioning without asking is rude. Strike two.

Threatening to kick my cat…I’da pitched a fit and pitched him outta my house.

The dish thing, OTOH, is a little less clear. Here’s how I would see it, if I were him:

Me: Hey, let me get the dishes.
Her: No, that’s fine.
Me: ::oh she must be declining because it is the proper thing:: “No really, I want to.”

This is where her tone comes into play. If she declines a second time in a firm tone, I would have backed down. If she declines in another “No no…it’s ok…” then I’ll insist.

8

Personally, I’d take up one’s offer to wash dishes, but to each their own. If Cherry asked him not to, it’s OK to ask again to make sure she’s not just giving a polite refusal, but not cool to do it without approval. Enough people feel protective about their kitchens that one can’t assume a free reign. If you do dishes, then stack anything which you can’t prove it’s proper location.

9

Eh, Your guest seem perfectly normal to me.

The dish thing: That’s normally a time when ALL the ladies in the house get a chance to bop their heads together with out all us men folk around. Serioulsly, when I have company over like this; it takes three women to wash a single dish. :rolleyes: Adversly, this is the same time when all us men folk can get together and do the same thing. (It’s at this point some one will usually break out their gun/fish’n pole/ or power tool collection. :smiley: )

The cat kick’n thing: I’m assuming this was a kid making the threats. I wouldn’t have taken it too seriously. I wasn’t there but it’s VERY probable that it was an idle threat.

So yeah, I’m with the “Mi casa es su casa” crowd. I’m not sure if it’s attributed to a regional thing though.

10

You have those, too? My dad was Ultimate Lord of the Thermostat when I was a kid. Unfortunately, that carried over into my adult life, when he’d come visit me at my own place. He’d crank the A/C until my roommate’s and my lips were blue, and then point a finger at us and forbid us from touching it. Which might be acceptable with one’s own kid, but I never thought it was fair for my roommates to fall under his jurisdiction. (Luckily both of the roommates in question were understanding about the whole thing, but then I’d usually kick in a little extra for that month’s hellish electric bill.)

So yeah. The commandeering (sp?) of the thermostat would get to me (as would threats to the pets, although if the kid were, like, TWO years old and did not actually harm the pet . . . ), but the dishes, probably not. Maybe Dick thought the girlfriend was refusing his offer out of politeness?

11

You don’t mention specifically how old the child was, but the mention of diapers makes me think of a not potty trained toddler so this “kick the cat” stuff is (while obnoxious) something a cranky toddler said. Presenting this as additional overall evidence of willful “bad guest” behavior is not quite kosher.

The dishes thing is just petty and hardly something to get truly exercised about, They’re family, he’s trying to help and he (OH God!) put some of the dishes in the wrong place!

The AC thing is the most egregious item mentioned, but given the overall brittle tone of the rest of the OP complaint being mainly that they, and their small child, invaded her space and disturbed her and her cats routine, I really like to see how this went down. If he (and your OP is very specific that Suzy, her relation, had nothing to do with this re requesting it - it’s all him) did this unilaterally while she was in the house with no permission asked, then it’s unacceptable, but somehow, given the overall tone of the OP and the fact that (being willing to help with the dishes) he doesn’t sound like a complete jerk, I think there’s more to the thermostat - window story than him commandeering it without permission.

12

I would think this was a bit much from regular old houseguests, but the family thing throws a wrench in it.

Family works both ways. The kidlet might scare the cat, but if he’s family and in my house, then I would feel just fine about setting out the (age appropriate) house rules to the little darling.

Doing the dishes after you have been asked not to is not the PROPER thing to do, but it shouldn’t drive anyone nuts, either. Life is too short to waste time being driven nuts by something as easily corrected as your dishes. If Dick was my brother, or cousin, or whatever, and insisted on doing the dishes, I would feel free to stand right behind him and annoy him as much as humanly possible, possibly dredging up mortifying nicknames from his youth, or maybe resorting to the time-honored “I’m not touching you!” torture method. Later, I would tell on him.

It’s supposed to be fun when family stays with you. I feel for Cherry, but if she’s a bit of an introvert she needs to think about whether or not she should invite houseguests for that length of time.

On the AC, though, I’m more of a stick in the mud. Would you prefer AC or windows open? is a good question to ask when the guests arrive.

13

To clear a few things up, Topher is 4 1/2 years old. He doesn’t wear diapers per se, but pull-ups. I’m a little surprised that someone so old still needs them, but I don’t have kids so I don’t really know.

As for the dishes, I’m sure that Dick was just trying to be polite (as I said, he’s really great guy, and is more than willing to pull his weight around the house), but I think he has problems understanding boundries. (A trait that Topher seems to have inherited.) Certainly Cherry could have been firmer in saying that she really didn’t want his help and that she was serious about that.

As far as the window/AC thing goes, I was there when it happened. The family unilaterally decided to change the environment. I was a bit astonished to see them do this. Maybe some people think this is a normal thing to do, but I find it hard to believe that guests would just decide to do something like that. Personally, I would at least ask permission first.

BTW, it’s not like these people were regular guests in Cherry’s home. I’m pretty sure that this was their first time there.

14

Anybody wants to come to my house and do dishes, have at it. I don’t care where you put them. A slight climate adjustment is OK, so long as it’s back to AC before I go to bed. Kids in diapers??? Get a hotel.

15

Turning off the AC was over the line. The rest, not so much. And the kid learned that threatening to kick cats is not good.

At least they didn’t take the tops off of the muffins! :smiley:

16

Shouldn’t, but does. This may be a little quirk on Cherry’s part, but we all have our little quirks. She expressed to me a number of times that that was the number one stressor of the weekend. Being that she has ADD pretty bad, she likes to exert control over various aspects of her life, and her kitchen organization is one of those aspects. When someone else is in there with her, it creates chaos that she can’t deal with.

Yes, she could have been firmer in her request to Dick, but the problem is that he just doesn’t listen. When he has an agenda, he tends to stick with it. I think this is part of his problem with Topher as well, which might be why Topher acts out around him. Threatening to kick the cat may well have been his way of saying “Hey dad, listen to me.”

17

Well, they’re not monsters!

18

So you don’t do diapers. That’s your “thing.” And everyone has their own “thing.” Yeah, some people might think you’re weird for that, but everyone is weird in their own way. As a guest in your home, it’s my duty to find out what that “thing” is. As a host, it’s your duty to drop some not-so-subtle hints.

19

I haven’t been around young kids a lot, but is it normal for them to threaten to hurt animals? The only kid I ever knew who did this was an 8-year-old neighbor kid who was seriously disturbed. Even a 2-yr-old (much more so a 4-yr-old) can seriously injure or kill a cat by kicking it. I’d be very worried about a young child threatening my animals, especially if the child seemed to be a bit out of control and the parents were not keeping a close eye on him.

20

Wait a sec … you’re saying “family” now re the AC off + windows up thing , and before it was just him. Did they do this or did he do this? IMO it’s a lot less over the top if your sister or cousin goes fiddling with the AC (assisted by hubby) vs her husband unilaterally changing things without permission.