Am I overreacting? Being a bad friend?

In My Humble Opinion
1

As some of you may have seen in this thread, I have been staying with a friend for the past 2 weeks while I am in between apartments. In that thread, I was trying to figure out how much money I should give her for letting me stay there, since she asked early on that I cover my portion of food and utilities.

Now I’m fairly annoyed (pissed might be a better word), and I’m considering spending this last week of limbo at my parent’s house (a rather big deal, because my parents and I get along better if we don’t see each other very much).

Basically, I’m trying to be a good guest. I put my dishes in the dishwasher (when I do use dishes, since I’ve been making every effort not to eat her food), I don’t make a mess in the bathroom, and I’ve helped with some chores, like sweeping and mopping and cleaning the bathroom, and helping her take care of her kids. As in, several days I’ve gotten up with her youngest, changed her diaper, got her in her high chair and given her breakfast. Or I will put her down/get her up from her nap. Or take her on a walk. I think I’ve been a good guest, since I haven’t made any trouble for my hosts, have actually helped them out, and I will be giving them money.

But apparently I haven’t been helping enough. Yesterday, my friend’s husband came home in a bad mood, and my friend pulled me aside to say that she thought he was mad because he thinks I’m not helping enough (because the floors were dirty). Thing is, my friend is ready to pop with twins so she’s not able to keep up with the housework as easily. I think her husband expects me to take on all the housekeeper duties so that he doesn’t have to come home from work and do laundry or mop the floors.

Now, I’m giving them money to live there, and I’m cleaning up after myself, and I’m helping with the kids a bit, so I don’t think that it should be entirely up to me to mop the floors (I’ve already mopped them once during my stay). And nobody said, “Hey, can you mop the floors today because that would be a big help.” So I’m a little pissed. I mean, hey, the kids are the ones throwing Cheerios on the floor, not me, why should I have to clean up after them instead of their dad?

It’s just making me mad. If I weren’t going to be paying for staying there, then absolutely, I would be cleaning out their garage and scrubbing down the windowsills. As it is, I am paying, and I think that changing a lot of diapers and sweeping and mopping once already and cleaning the bathroom and doing some of the kids’ laundry is awfully helpful.

I don’t know, maybe I’ve overestimated my helpfulness. Or maybe I’ve underestimated the inconvenience to them of having me sleep on the couch. What do you think?

2

I think it’s this. Having someone extra living in your household is a psychological burden. It means wherever you are sleeping is off access, it means making changes in their day-to-day lives, and being considerate to yet another person (not always easy when all you want at the end of the day is to come home and relax with your wife and kid). I don’t think you’ve acted egregiously in any way, but whether the husband is being logical or not, you’ve clearly overstayed your welcome. The polite thing to do would be move out.

oh, and FWIW, I know you are helping somewhat with the kids. But putting your dishes in the dishwasher, and “not making a mess” definitely does NOT count as “help” or “being a good guest”. That’s the bare minimum I would expect from any guest staying longer than a weekend.

edit: and I realize you are paying. but I think the psych/emotional burden of having a long-term guest is clearly more than they (or maybe only the husband) expected it to be.

3

I think dactylic is on the right path. You’re being a good guest (in fact, you’re being the best guest in history compared to her previous house guest) and there’s no way he should blame you for the dirty floor, but he’s probably just in the mood to gripe about something.

4

You are basically paying to play scapegoat. Even of they’re the happiest couple on earth, if they’ve got kids and more on the way they are stressed out. They need a sibling or grandparent in there pronto – unless you are tight with both of them (and I assume you’re not if you’re paying cash rather than just helping out with groceries and chores), you’re not the best person to help them out at this time, and they’re not the best people to be hosting you.

5

I don’t think it would have ever crossed my mind to ask a pregnant with twins woman with a couple kids already to stay at their place. Sure they are being incredibly unreasonable and you’ve done nothing wrong, but just being there adds more stress to an already very stressful situation. Honestly you should have sucked it up and stayed with your parents from the start.

6

I am really close with her, and I’ve known her husband for a decade. But I think you’re right, I’m not the best person to be helping them out right now.

I work and go to school full time, so I’m already pretty busy with that. Plus, (I guess I have to get into why I’m staying there, which I was trying to avoid) I just got out of an abusive relationship. Long story short, my boyfriend up until 2 weeks ago was getting steadily more emotionally abusive. To the point where I felt like I was always doing something wrong and actually being abusive towards him. So I bought a book on abusive relationships intending to correct my problems, but the more I read the more I realized he was being abusive. When I finally confronted him on it, he became so enraged it got physical. He went to jail, I moved out that very day, and now I’m stuck in limbo until March 1st.

So, I’ve got a lot of shit going on right now. I want to lay in front of the TV and eat chocolate all day, even though I’m making my best effort to keep up with homework and keep going to work. But the last thing I need is to get up at 7AM after working late the night before to a 2 year old who has ripped off her diaper, peed all over her crib, and torn up a box of baby wipes (true story).

Yeah. So I think I’ll be staying at my parents’ house tonight.

7

I have to say I agree with the other posters here. While I don’t think you did anything wrong, it’s probably stressful for the family to have you there right now. It sounds like the place isn’t that big if you’re sleeping on the couch (I assume that means there’s no spare bedroom).

It’s probably disruptive to the kids - they likely have a routine which you have unwittingly messed with, not necessarily by anything you’ve done but simply by virtue of being there.

It sounds like you’re not particularly close to the husband, and to be frank, it’s a huge inconvenience to have anyone surfing on your couch, never mind someone you’re not really friends with. He probably feels that he can’t relax in his own home - I know I’d feel that way.

The fact that your friend is eight months pregnant with two kids is huge. She must be exhausted, and while you think you’re being really helpful (and I repeat, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong), I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s not a little resentful that you’re not helping out more than you already are. Not necessarily because she thinks you owe it to her because you’re staying there, but because she just really needs some help right now and you’re her friend.

I would second the advice to go stay with your parents for the last week.

8

Didn’t you mention in the other thread that they were having some sort of marital problems and the husband had been staying somewhere else for a little while, or did I imagine that?

9

Yes. She was done dealing with his crazy (he’s bipolar and refuses to take his meds or get counseling) and so when I first started staying there, it was just her and the kids. Somehow he talked her into giving him a 37th chance, so he’s been there for the past week.

So at first, we (her and I) were both benefiting- I helped with the kids and chores, I got a couch in return. But now that he’s back, I think he needs to be doing his share of the kids and chores stuff, whereas he seems to think I should be doing it all.

10

I think it’s weird that your friend would tell you that her husband is pissed off because you aren’t helping enough. It makes him look bad, plus it makes you feel bad - she had to have known that. I understand that having someone living on your couch is a difficult situation, but they did agree to it in the first place, and it’s not like you’ve overstayed the amount of time you initially agreed to, nor are you staying for free and sitting on their couch all day.

But then again, I’ve never been pregnant, so I suppose I don’t fully understand the stress your friend is going through right now.

Anyway, it’s only a week - staying at your parents’ place might actually be less stressful given the circumstances.

11

Another vote for underestimating the amount of stress that even an unobtrusive guest can bring to a relationship. And if there were pre-existing marital problems . . .

I don’t think you are being a bad friend, exactly, but I do think moving out early might be best for all concerned.

(And I don’t blame you at all if you are thinking “look, I’d be happy to mop the floor daily, but no one told me that it would be appreciated, and I don’t like being yelled at for failure to do things I didn’t know I was expected to do”).

12

There are way, way too many drama games going on here for it to be a workable scenario for you or this family. The husband and wife are having problems with their marriage and it (appears) he’s trying to make things work, and now there’s a not too welcome stranger (to him) in their midst. Your friend is playing a stupid passive-aggressive game and setting you up so hubby is the “bad guy” who’s pissed with you instead of confronting you or her husband on this directly. This is cowardly and manipulative.

Whatever your previous scenario there are far too many stressors for this to wind up as anything but an explosion or hurt feelings. You need to pay a pro-rated portion of what you owe and move on ASAP.

BTW normally in these “staying with a friend” scenarios if support is expected I would offer to pay something up front rather than have the amount and timing be up in the air. It may seem a small issue, but it can reduce the stress dynamic of situation considerably if they have some cash in hand from you vs a future promise.

13

Another vote for “not your fault, but best to gracefully exit now if you can”

Also … holy crap, you’re friend’s got

  • a two-year-old
    *marital problems
    *pregnant with TWINS!

:eek::eek:

I’d be going absolutely batshit with stress round about now. Try to cut her as much slack as possible. And I’m sure leaving an abusive relationship is no cakewalk for you either. Multiple stressed people in one house = trouble, even if they are good friends. Save your friendship - go stay with your folks.

14

I wonder if your friend convinced hubby that it’s ok that you’re staying there by telling him that you’d be doing all the housework. 'Cept she forgot to mention that to you.

15

I feel for your friend. Their marriage isn’t going to do very well if this situation does not change. :frowning:

Good luck, Red. Only four more days now, huh? :slight_smile:

16

Remember too, if I understand the timeline, that you’ve promised to pay, you haven’t actually paid. If I were the couple I would absolutely not be counting on you to actually pay–this is the sort of promise that people flake out on all the time–they put off paying until it’s too late. So from his perspective this is all straight favor on his part.

Have you ever had an opposite-sex houseguest you weren’t really close to on your couch for some time? It really is a PITA. You have to wear pants all the time.

17

Well, I will be the voice of dissent – your friend is a <random four letter word> for treating you like that. You have every right to be annoyed. If your friend is otherwise a good person, and you seem to think she is, I’d recommend heading out ASAP and just shrugging this situation off for the sake of the friendship.
You are paying her to stay in her home. You are a guest in her home and she (and apparently her husband) expects you to do their housework to boot? Yeah, no. They are shitty hosts and should have let you know from the get-go that you were being allowed to pay them to be their built-in maid/babysitter/housekeeper. Screw that. Leave now and save the friendship.

18

I’m sympathetic that you have left an abusive relationship and landed in this mess, but I too think it’s time to make a graceful exit (giving them what you consider a fair amount of money before you do so) and leave this family to their own devices. I don’t think anybody realizes how big a pain they are to have as a guest - my mom is the world’s best houseguest, and I desperately needed HER to leave after a certain amount of time.

On the plus side, this is an excellent cautionary tale about thoroughly discussing expectations before you get into a situation like this. :slight_smile:

19

Man, this has clusterfuck written all over it. Pay up, get out, and move on. Your friend will definitely need you when things go south with her and Mr. Wonderful again (and I have a feeling it will be sooner rather than later). Until then, let them work on whatever their problems are, and let them prepare for the new arrivals. Three kids in diapers at the same time? Just kill me.

Good luck.

20

Exit…stage left