It’s not just you staying there, but your cat(s)? It’s nice of her to offer to put you up, but I can see how having you there might be wearing thin. See if you can move into your new apartment earlier than the 1st.
StG
No, no cats. They’re living in my parents’ warehouse for the interim.
Honestly, I understand why you’re annoyed, but the fact remains that they’re doing you a huge fucking favor. When you’re being done a huge fucking favor, it’s really best to never, not even for a moment, forget that.
You should definitely leave, this will not end well if you stay. But if it were me, I’d have mopped the floors, and then thanked her for the place to stay. Again. Some more.
What pissed me off about the whole thing wasn’t that someone wanted me to mop the floors. It was that someone wanted me to mop the floors, didn’t ask me to, then got pissed off when it didn’t get done. WTF? How is that my fault?
What pisses me off even more is that I have been this woman’s first call every time she has ever needed a babysitter for her kids for the past 4 years. And I have babysat for her, at least once or twice a month, for 4 years. I took care of her (then) 2 year old son for a long weekend once when she wanted to go on vacation (although she did pay me for that one). I took both of her kids (4 and 1 at the time) for another weekend so she could go on vacation. She doesn’t have a mother or siblings in the state, and her only relative nearby is a grandmother who’s not in the best health. So for the past couple of years I’ve gotten a little resentful of being expected to babysit, and feeling bad if I tried to say no.
And then I accept this favor, but suddenly I’m the bad guy because I’m not doing enough around the house. Shit, I’ve never mentioned once to her that I really can’t stand her kids because they’re turning into little spoiled brats, and how this constant exposure to badly behaved children is making me rethink my entire life goal of ever having kids.
ETA: And yes, I am now staying with my parents.
For me, having someone stay on my couch for a few weeks is really no big deal (“psychological burden,” “huge fucking favor,” really?). If a good friend (we’re not talking distant acquaintance here) had a story like yours (just out of an abusive relationship that got violent enough to warrant jail for the other party), I would in fact allow you to sit on said couch and eat bonbons and cry for 2 months without picking up a mop or feeding my daughter. For free.
To me, the husband is obviously the problem here. You’ve been more than fine, and he’s a nut who doesn’t want his nuttiness observed too closely, or for you to talk his wife out her nuttiness-enabling behavior.
And that’s fine for you. I don’t have overnight guests even for one night. Is one of us right and one wrong? Nope. RedRoses’ friend is probably somewhere in the middle.
RedRoses, you probably know this, but you need to establish some boundaries with this woman for both of your sakes.
Sadly, I think this situation is predictable. And posting lots of grievances about this friend do arguably mean you are being a bad friend.
But mostly, you got resentful because you felt like you were giving more than you were getting out of this relationship. And then you asked for a Big Favor which has turned into a Huge Favor.
I don’t know that it is inevitable that your friend and her husband got resentful about the amount that you were contributing. I do think it is unsurprising that they did. I can’t judge whether you were contributing “enough” because that’s so arbitrary a measure. So hard to judge.
In fact, favors in general are hard that way.
So I don’t think you’ve done anything horrible, but you do need to address the feeling taken advantage of for years of infrequent babysitting separately from the issue of whether you mopped the floor enough as a houseguest. And recognize that how frequently the floor should be mopped, how often it does get mopped with a heavily pregnant woman around, and how often it should be mopped with an apparently able-bodied houseguest are three different measures.
I’m with you, 100%.
I think the situation matters here. It’s not that she got in a stupid argument with her parents and moved out in a fit of pique, or that she was irresponsible with her rent and got evicted. This is some serious life trauma and the last thing that I, as a friend, would want to do is to contribute to her stress.
Has your friend cried on your shoulder throughout her marital difficulties? I wonder if, by leaving an abusive relationship, the husband’s afraid you might give his wife ideas…
Right, but her friend is right in the middle of marital collapse while about to give birth to twins–how bad do things have to be before you kick out someone when you are about to have 2 new infants? THAT is (also) some serious life trama, and the last thing I, as a friend, would want to do is to contribute to her stress. I’d certainly cut her some slack if she said something rude or mean-spirited to me.
Wow. After reading this thread, I have revised my opinion. The answer to the questions in this thread title are “yes” and “Hell, yes”.
It would serve you right if your “friend” read this and the other thread and wrote you off. I would if I were her.
I pay my share of the housing expenses. I pick up after myself. I do my laundry. And I still mop the floors. If this were your apartment, you’d pay for it AND you’d clean it.
This is not a hotel - your ‘rent’ does not cover maid services. And you are not a houseguest.
Your friend may be a great friend willing to cut you a lot of slack during a difficult time. Her husband, however, sounds like he was stretched in his marriage before he had to give up his couch. Its his house. If you want to stay, you live by his rules - if that means being Cinderella while babysitting kids and paying rent, that is what you do. Don’t like it, stay in a hotel.
I agree with Dangerosa. Paying rent doesn’t absolve you from doing chores, especially since your friend is pregnant.
I also agree with the sentiment that perhaps you’ve overstayed your welcome. I have a dear friend who stayed with us (a family of 4 plus a dog) for nearly a week. It was about 2 days too long. It’s just awkward not feeling comfortable in your own home and one tends to get a little grumpy.
It’s not your fault, but it’s time to leave before your relationship is compromised. And quit keeping a ledger of how many times you’ve babysat, etc. Friends don’t do that.
Really, if the two of you are good enough friends that you’re her primary babysitter and she’s your first call for a place to stay, then you should be good enough friends for this to be nothing. Yeah, I know you’ve got a lot going on. So does she, and she’s not the one invading your space.
You are not a guest. A guest stays for a day or two for the purpose of socializing. You have been sleeping on their couch for two weeks. That’s a lot to ask of a friend, even a very good friend, especially one who’s already got too many troubles of her own.
No matter how much somebody “helps out” or even pays, it is a huge pain in the ass to have a guest in your house for two weeks. It’s very hard to ask someone to leave, so by staying so long, they probably resent the fact that you haven’t left on your own before now. Especially if you’re keeping track of whose Cheerios you’re picking up. Jeesh, I’d have lit you on fire by now.
I just read your first thread. You estimated you’ve eaten $30 worth of their food and used $30 worth of their water and don’t mention all the other expenses of running a household. You seem to keep careful track of exactly what you do that benefits them and not just you. You want to pay them $150 for their trouble for three weeks stay. I’m trying to imagine being eight months pregnant and having a slug like you hanging around, depressed, nickel and diming your contributions. I’m just mind-boggled here at your cluelessness and their generosity. I feel sorry for your parents if you’re headed there next. JAY. SUS.
That’s a tougher one - friends don’t keep score, but friends also don’t take advantage of friends. If you’re feeling like the friendship is getting one-sided, I think it benefits the friendship for you to revisit how much you’re willing to do for that friend so you don’t feel like they’re taking advantage of you (and get resentful and angry).
Right, but I think there is a mindset issue–you have to revisit your own behavior, not your friends. It’s not a matter of “I do so much for them, and they do so little for me”–it’s more like “I really do more for them than I want to, and I need to find a way to scale that back”.
It’s the difference between thinking “I spend $X on a gift and they only spent $Y” and thinking “I really can’t afford to spend as much on gifts for them as I have been”.
Time/effort or tangible things, the approach that’s easiest on one’s own psyche is to give what you want to give/feel like you can afford, not to try to balance against what you are given.
Too much drama for me. I think the parent’s place would be a better choice.
But she wouldn’t end up the street without the kindness of her friend. She doesn’t WANT to move in with her parents, but she could. She could also take refuge in a center for abused women. She could find an apartment currently vacant instead of waiting until the month switches… None of these are as ideal for RedRoses as staying with her friend, but given the stress that the friend is undergoing - any of them would have caused the friend much less stress.
If friend’s husband would have stayed moved out - things would be different. But friend decided to let husband move back in. When he moved back in, things changed.