I’m with Ichbin Dubist above. Why is it a big deal to have a friend stay on your couch for a few weeks? Especially when they are coming for an abusive relationship. Okay, that said and done, as it seems to have turned bad, I would find somewhere else to go.
OK. I have been staying with my parents the past couple of days (I thought I mentioned that here, but maybe in the other thread).
As to the other thread where I’m “nickel and diming” them, I posted an estimate of my food and utility use, plus other contributions, to get a good idea of what would be an appropriate amount to pay them for my stay, not because I just sit around keeping a ledger of what I do for my friends and what they do for me.
Yes, I have felt for a long time she was taking advantage of me by always asking me to babysit. Her husband, as well, in that case, because I specifically remember an instance where I had a prior obligation and couldn’t babysit, and the conversation we had seemed to imply her husband had an attitude like I couldn’t possibly have anything important to do for myself, or maybe just want an evening to myself, so I should automatically babysit for them.
So I’m resentful. And feeling horrible because of other things in my life. And probably being a little selfish.
I haven’t sat down and talked to her about this yet, but I’m now worried that I will be accused of abandoning a friend in need because I didn’t stay and do all the housework and change all the diapers. Maybe not from her, but I have a feeling her husband is going to be pissed.
I think this sounds like a very fraught situation with a lot of potential for heartache.
Frankly, I’d spend the last few days in a hotel. The money would be worth it to have alone time and be free of the stress of living with people you don’t want to live with.
You are the only person whose behavior you can control. You can’t fix the husband and you can’t fix other people’s relationships for them. If it will make you feel better, you can drop by for a few hours each day and do housework and change diapers. But in the long run, your friend and her husband need to work these issues out between them.
Apologize, express concern that your presence was complicating things, and let the matter drop. If your friend or her husband can’t let it drop, reconsider spending time with them. Take care of YOU first.
I think both parties are in situations of extreme “neediness” right now, and neither one is capable of providing the level of support the other requires. In these situations, I think it’s best that each party turn to someone who is more capable of providing that support. Save the friendship by putting a bit of distance between the two.
Look, while you really did nothing wrong while being there and in fact i think you went out of your way to do more than most people would have it was a really bad decision to stay there in the first place. This isn’t really about who did what and who was wrong, the simple fact is you added more stress to an already very stressful situation (young kids, very pregnant wife, marital problems, bipolar husband) because you wanted to avoid stress for yourself (staying with your parents who you dont get along with all that well) and thats really a bit selfish.
You are being resentful because you expect two people under a lot of stress, one of whom you’ve described as being mentally ill, to be able to communicate expections they don’t even realize they themselves have. That’s a valid emotion, but your expectation of them under the circumstances seem about as reasonable as theirs of you.
You might want to work at just seeing the whole situation as ‘everyone stressed and trying hard, and everyone failing’ and let go of the resentment.
I’ve tried to keep up with the various threads, but maybe I missed it. Did you give your friend the $150? How’d that go?
Agreed. If I have a friend or family member who I feel is getting more from me than I’m willing to give, I change my behaviour, I don’t expect them to change theirs.