At what point in a friendship are you justified in feeling somewhat used?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have a single female friend I’ve known for years. It’s a strictly platonic relationship. She’s a single mother and sales professional with a sizable brood and has done a remarkable job of raising them on her own since she and he husband divorced almost 10 years ago. He left the area after the divorce and hasn’t seen any of this kids in almost 6 years.

I live near her and over the years I’ve tried to be supportive if she occasionally needed some help with handyman style work, or computers for her kids etc. and have donated fair chunks of time and hardware to get them all on the internet. I also usually take her out to dinner once or twice month if were both working late at the office and we talk about life in general. She’s very bright and fun to talk to and we both bemoan the lack of dating and social opportunities in our small burg.

Other than the occasional emergency like a sewage overflow or a cat dying in her garage and being eaten by other cats, she’s not asking me to do any of this. She does ask if she needs a power washer or if I have any spare PCs, but I told her to ask if her kids needed any as I have several to spare.

A few weeks ago she asked if I had any ties her son could borrow for his prom. I brought over a selection of ties, pre-tied them for him, also (she didn’t ask it purely my decision) gave him a polished pair of Johnson Murphy dress Oxfords in excellent condition to keep, and gave him a good quality dress belt and dress watch to keep as well.

She was cooking dinner at this time and after I finished helping him I got ready to leave and she continued cooking, said a brief thanks to me and busied herself in continuing to cook the meal. I picked up my gear and left.

About a week later she called with an emergency one of her older daughters was having with a dead PC and a work assignment due the next day. I came over and spent about 5 hours diagnosing the problem, rescuing her data, gave her a new hard drive, re-installed XP and office and got her daughter back up and running. My friend was watching TV all this time, which was fine as there was little she could have done to help me.

As with the last scenario there was brief thanks as I packed my fix-it gear and left and she went back watching TV. She daughter was a lot more effusive in her gratitude, which stands to reason I suppose.

The problem I have at this point is that I’m feeling kind of stupid and childish on one level, in that I really would have liked her to offer me some dinner, or possibly to have offered me the option to sit down and watch TV with her and her kid for a brief time after the last fix-it. Being a single guy is kind of a spare existence and offers of hospitality are appreciated.

I’m kind of on the edge of feeling like a handyman/servant, and this has colored my attitude toward her which has been a lot cooler over the last few weeks. I kind of feel like she has no real interest in my company unless I’m doing something for her or providing her with something.

It does piss me off that I get this kinda sorta “OK- thanks - you’re done - bye now/ go away” vibe. I suppose I really need to suck it up. She’s asked for my help on small issues but has never demanded I put myself out, that was always my decision. She’s an incredibly sensitive and intuitive person when it comes to analyzing other peoples relationships, but seems not to see or care that this “hi-bye” behavior is kind of pissing me off after I do something for her. It’s kind of like the Seinfeld and the coat episode, where Jerry takes a (supposedly) freely given coat with no strings attached, and discovers that there are lot of strings attached re the givers expectations. I’m the coat giver in this scenario and she is Jerry, and she has no responsibility to live up to my expectations for hospitality.

2

You could just mention (assuming you have a fairly communicative relationship) that you’re feeling like you’re putting a lot into the relationship without feeling appreciated.

To directly answer your question, I’d say that you’re ‘justified’ in feeling any way you want, but if she’s not aware that you’re feeling that way, your feelings can’t really be her responsibility.

3

I think there’s some distinction to be drawn between being taken for granted, and being used. It doesn’t seem to me that her lack of gratitude is a deliberate thing.

As you stated several times, you have always volunteered to do things for her, except in the most recent situations. I think she’s grown accustomed to you being there for her, and just isn’t aware that you’ve reached a point where you don’t feel like the appropriate gratitude is there.

Given the nature of what sounds like a very strong friendship, I don’t see why you can’t find a gentle way of letting her know that you’ve gone a bit out of your way for the things you do. Let me rephrase that: I don’t think there’s much point in you bringing up these incidents that have already happened. But the next time she asks you to do something for her, if you find yourself on the way out the door without a real “thank you,” you should probably sit down with her and straighten it out.

If it’s truly just an oversight on her part, it would be a shame for your friendship to be ruined because you guys didn’t talk about it.

4

Oh I fully agree, but to say “I don’t think you’re being sufficiently appreciative of my efforts” seems (to me) to be a pathetically wimpy, whiny thing for a grown man to do. I’m just a bit disappointed, and you’re right, it’s my problem not hers.

5

Eh, I don’t think it’s particularly wimpy, but I don’t think ‘sufficiently appreciative’ is how I’d word it. There’s probably not a quantifiable amount of appreciation that would be ‘sufficient,’ more a general sense of being taken for granted (as Asimovian says).

You may be a grown man, but having an open dialogue about a relationship (friendship or otherwise) is far from being whiny (unless you frame the dialogue as such), it’s being, well, a grown man who takes responsibility for maintaining good relations with people he cares about.

6

I think you are being taken for granted not used. I think you might just need to NOT be available seemingly at her beck and call. You go above and beyond which is great, maybe try doing the bare minimum. She asks if her son can borrow a tie… bring a tie. Or have her come by and pick it up. I guess it is about boundaries as well.

Or maybe the sexually tension between you two has gotten so great and intense, she can’t take it anymore and is trying to distance herself. Try making out with her.

Okay, just kidding with that last part.

7

She may not be wanting to appear to be making emotional demands as well as practical demands on you when you have already been so kind: she might have felt that she was imposing terribly already and that a dinner invitation you felt obliged to accept would just be one more hassle to you in you hot, swinging bachelor lifestyle. I think a lot of women assume that most men want to move away from entaglements (especially domestic entaglements with other people’s kids) and she may well have felt that asking you to stay and watch TV or eat a family dinner would seem overly domestic to you and make you think she was scouting for a coparent.

8

I think if you’re doing favors for her, and really don’t mind them, why not ask for a few in return? If you’re hungry after fixing her computer, ask if she has anything to eat. If you want company and see that she’s watching something on TV that might be interesting, plop down on the couch and watch it with her. If she feels you’re relationship is friendly enough to do favors without a big display of gratitude, then treat it as such and help yourself to whatever level of interaction you want. If she seems offended that you would ask for food or just expect to hang out, then yes, you’re being used. At least, that’s they way I’d handle a situation like that.

9

If you feel the only reason she’s friends with you is because of the things you can do for her or if you do favors for her but she won’t do them for you (if you ask), there’s a chance you’re being used. However, if that’s not the case, it may be just that she’s not skilled at expressing gratitude.

No friends are perfect. I have friends who sometimes drive me crazy because of various social short comings. However, those short comings aren’t deal breakers for me, and I know they’re not intentionally trying to piss me off or using me. It’s just a flaw they have. I know I have my own.

About the dinner thing: I have a friend who insists that asking a man to dinner signals romantic interest. I took one of my male friends out to dinner after he helped me with some home repairs. She really took me to task. To her, I’d somehow indicated to this guy that I want him. I thought she was insane, but I’ve heard other women say something similar (like “well, it does send mixed signals”). Maybe your friend has heard the same thing.

10

I vote with the “Being taken for granted” opinion. It happens, often without the offending party being really aware of it.

Make yourself less accessible.

11

I vote with the “Being taken for granted” opinion. It happens, often without the offending party being really aware of it.

Sure, you’re due something like a nice meal sometimes. But hey, if she feels uncomfortable about cooking one for you, what on this earth is preventing her from giving you a gift card to a nice restaurant?

Make yourself less accessible.

12

I agree that you’re being taken for granted, but I vote for *telling * her you feel that way, rather than making yourself less accessible without explaining why, which is, IMO, passive agressive in the extreme.

13

Sorry 'bout the double post. I thought the first one got eaten, then added something to my re-try. I didn’t think the first one would post after so many minutes.

Apologies. Could a mod just remove my first one?

14

My impression is that she isn’t taking you for granted, but that she is waiting for the other shoe to drop. She can tell that you have an unexpressed, unspecific feeling that you are entitled to something more for your efforts, and she’s afraid of where that’s leading.

This may seem like a shocking statement, but I think if you consider it you’ll see the support for it: everything you’ve done for her makes you invested. She hasn’t done much for you because she’s been busy taking care of her children. So how invested is she in you? I’m not making a moral judgement here. She’s accepted a lot of favors from you, and you’ve done a lot of favors, and that’s good. But it sets up a dynamic that can be distressing if you don’t appreciate it.

I like the idea of asking her for favors. Preferably things that are as free of overture as possible, and thus non-threatening. Either she turns you down and then you know where you stand, or she starts getting invested herself.

15

Great post.

I agree. I get the sense that our good mate Astro might have some feelings for the gal, hoping things might shift out of neutral. Ultimately, thought, there’s no substitute for clear communication.

16

Sounds like your relationship is going through some changes. You’re getting a lot of good advice here, so my two cents’s worth is somewhat less than that:

First of all, figure out what it is that you want here. Are you thinking you’d like to have an actual relationship with this woman? Whether you do or not, get clear about your intentions – and then bite the bullet and actually have that scary conversation with her: “Here’s what I’m thinking about our friendship – this is what I want – what do you want?” Either you both want the same thing (whatever that is), in which case you’re good – or you don’t, in which case you have to figure out what compromise you’re both comfortable with.

It’s infinitely easier to actually have the conversation, though, instead of both of you trying (and, usually, failing) to read each other’s mind. It might be a little uncomfortable to bring it up, but you’ll both feel a lot better after you lay your cards on the table.

17

No, a “more than friends” relationship in this situation is a definite non-starter. She’s attractive, but over our years of conversations re life and love has made it clear she likes small, slender “bad boys” (David Duchovny & Keanu Reeves are the hotness archetypes for her) and is she’s fairly delicate physically, and my tastes run more to more sturdy women. We’re friends because we share a common sense of humor and intellectual curiosity. Beyond that my being single and away from my kids for a good portion of the time also means I have a surplus of “daddy/provider/caretaker” energy I’m more than happy to direct where it is needed and appreciated.

What I really would like (and I know this is childish of me) is for her just to stop by my office and spend a sincere moment and say “You know I really appreciate what you did for my son and daughter” and while saying “Pshaw, it was no bother” bask in the glow of sincere gratitude, or maybe if she offered to take me to lunch.

Anyway thanks to all for all the responses in this thread. It’s pretty clear that if I want things to change I’m going to have to give her a heads up about my feelings on the issue.

18

Okay – I didn’t necessarily think you were thinking impure thoughts about her (always a bit weird to contemplate in one’s ex, isn’t it? :stuck_out_tongue: ) – just wanted to make sure you were very clear what you do want and/or need from her, whatever that might be.

I’m reminded of my relationship with my friend B. He and I dated for a few months a couple of years ago, but I dumped him when I fell madly in love with a married man. Yeah, that turned out well. Anyway, he and I have stayed friends, and though I’ve periodically suggested we try dating again (just because we really do get along great), he always – wisely – says no (just because neither of us is actually that attracted to the other “that way”). So that gets a little weird sometimes. But it’s okay, because we actually have talked through the odd little weirdnesses that sometimes arise.

The other reason I’m reminded of him is that he loves doing stuff around the house, playing computers, etc., so he’s done me a lot of favors along those lines – for instance, he replaced my porch light fixture, which turned out to be a big ol’ PITA job. Plus, he makes more money than I do, so when we go out, he often pays. I make an effort to try to keep things as even as I can, though – when we’re meeting at the movie theater and I get there first, I buy the tickets; I’ll either fix supper or spring for pizza when he comes down to help me with something; I helped him rototill his garden last spring; and I’ve burned a whole lot of CDs for him (plus he’s in the process of downloading about 3/4 of my CD collection into his iPod).

So, yeah, I think there’s a certain element of “from each according to his or her ability…” in maintaining a friendship that’s based on favors.

Anyway, sorry for the hijack.

Hope things work out for you guys – a good friendship is a valuable thing.

19

It sounds to me like you chose to do most of the things for her without prompting from her. I think that can set up a feeling that you don’t mind helping her and it’s really no big deal. Or perhaps she’s gotten so used to having you do these things that it just doesn’t occur to her to say anything about it.

Personally, I think she should thank you and perhaps offer some sort of compensation like a dinner or something, but I don’t see it as a clear and unambiguous case you her using you.

Having said that, I also really think you ought to say something to her about it. I’m not sure what, but she ought to know how her behaviour made you feel. It’s not childish except in the sense that children feel the same way when someone takes them for granted (which seems to happen a lot with children, so maybe that’s another reason we think of it as childish).

20

Or, she may just think that you’re developing feelings for her, despite the fact that you and she don’t fit each other’s previously stated romantic preferences, and she doesn’t want to appear to be encouraging you.

It’s really nice of you to go above and beyond once in a while, but as in this example:

you went overboard, IMHO, with the shoes, belt and watch. If I had been in her position I’d have gotten mighty uncomfortable myself. In one single gesture, you may have outdone anything the kid’s biological father has done for him in recent memory, and she may have been left thinking that soon you’ll be looking for “payback” from her in a way she’s not prepared to handle. (No offense meant to you, astro, but that sort of maneuver is common enough to raise the possibility in her mind.)

Make yourself less available if you want, but if I were you I’d definitely stop with the extra flourishes on the favors she does ask you for. Then perhaps you won’t feel as put out, either, if she doesn’t offer you dinner or company in front of the TV.