I’ve recently met a very nice couple, they’re coming from Mexico (she’s Dutch/German but lived in Mexico with her family, He’s Mexican) and have one little girl and another on the way. I like them a lot, and couldn’t help but notice that they are pretty hard up for cash right now. It doesn’t help that they are thousands of miles away from home, and that the food they like, if it is available, is mucho expensive in Germany. So, I’ve been making it a point to bring a few bags of Masa and Wheat tortilla flours, chiles, ect. to them from the American store. They always offer to pay me back, but I never let them; I always say “Oh, it’s a gift” or “I can’t because then I’d be blackmarketing”. I’ve also given the little girl a lot of my son’s old toys and I’m going to give the woman my maternity clothes.
The trouble is, I get the feeling that I may be hurting their pride. Of course, I don’t want to do that, but I also feel for them. What would be a good way to handle this situation? The wife has offered to babysit, but I feel bad asking a pregnant woman with one child to watch my kid. Should I just stop bringing the gifts? Or, let them pay me back, but tell them the price is lower? I’m reluctant to bring this up directly because I don’t want to bring more attention to the fact that I’m a little better off financially than they are. Please help!
You could always give less frequently instead of stopping entirely.
If it’s food you like to give, why not invite them over to dinner instead? It makes a nice social event out of it. The only downside to that is that may feel obligated to have you over to their house. Compromise, and have a potluck picnic or something. You could always have them take home the leftovers, too.
There are other things you can provide for them, too. Even something simple like flowers to brighten up their house is a nice idea. Doing small favors every now and then would also be appreciated.
I wouldn’t let them pay me back with money. I don’t like to get involved with money issues with friends. The way I look at it, there are other ways to “repay” someone for something they do for you.
Ooh, I hate dealing with money and friends, too! The thing about the food is that they can’t get the kinds of food that they enjoy at the German stores. They simply can’t get things like the proper flour for torillas (which they like to eat daily), and it would cost a fortune to have it mailed from Mexico. Kind of like me and my seaweed. I do invite them over for dinner, but with the price of gas (they live 1/2 an hour away), it’s easier for me to go to their house (I pay American gas prices).
Grrrr. I think I liked it better when I was the poor friend and could grouse about my rich friends always wanting to go to expensive restaurants and split the bill.
Of course it’s a gift! All the same, they may fell indebted because they can’t return the favor at this time. Your care package isn’t going to be that much food (unless you’re carrying 50 pound bags of masa in the luggage compartment), but it sounds like they don’t have the money to return the favor in kind. This might make the gift seem like charity in their eyes, and maybe in yours.
My advice is to let the wife babysit unless you feel that your child will be unsafe. I’ve known women who walked, swam laps, etc. while at term. Being pregnant may not limit her as much as you think. If you worry for your children, there must be some other way that they can help out or share their hospitality. Don’t stop giving, just give them a chance to be generous.
As for the toys and clothes, I thought that these were meant to be handed back and forth. As a matter of fact, the last real vacation I took with the family was to visit some old friends who were expecting and give them the baby clothes, stroller, crib and such which our youngest has outgrown. Some of these were given to us by them in the first place.
Sorry AudreyK, I wrote that before you posted. Sounds like we’re giving much the same advice. Besides, do you want to take advice from someone named cornflakes?
If they insist on paying you back, you can always lowball the US price…
First, let them do stuff for you, such as the babysitting. They’ll feel like they’re “repaying” what they “owe” you. Sounds terrible, and from your point of view they don’t owe you a darned thing, but they’ll feel better that they were able to do something for you for a change.
Besides, your three (combined) kids could become great friends.
Second, I think what you’re doing for them is wonderful. You’ve got a good heart.
p.s.- cornflakes, no problems here. And your name is cute, IMHO.
That’s the problem in a nutshell. Of course, I don’t want them to feel indebted towards me, since this is a gift I am freely giving. I am going to lay off the gift-giving a bit, since I’m sensing that they are feeling uncomfortable, even though I know they would do the same for me if the situation were reversed.
I’ll see about letting E. babysit, I just feel so guilty since she is pregnant and has enough to worry about. I feel like I should be babysitting for her, since I have family in the area to turn to and she doesn’t. All the same, their friendship means a lot to me and I don’t want them to feel like they aren’t contributing their share (which they are, I really enjoy their company).
PS. I like cornflake’s name, too. We should start a clique of posters named after foodstuffs.
Because I love etiquette, I’l answer this from an etiquette perspective. Don’t get into loaded words like ‘debt’ and ‘owe’ and ‘repay.’ You are dealing here with the etiquette question of reciprocity. It is polite and charming to be generous to your friends, but it is necessary to allow them to reciprocate. Reciprocity will prevent them from feeling that you are Lady Bountiful and they are charity cases. First of all, stop calling the food a ‘gift.’ Instead, call it a ‘favor.’ “I just brought this over because I know you can’t get this stuff off-post. Oh no, I can’t take money for it – that would be blackmarketing. Don’t worry it’s just a neighborly favor, I’m happy to do it. After all, I was going to the commisary anyway.” You are doing favors for these people, you need to allow them to recipricate with favors for you. Babysitting would be one type of favor that would cost them nothing, but allow them to feel equal in the relationship. Another suggestion would be to ask her to make some type of treat for you (out of some of the foodstuffs you provide): “I love homemade tamales, could you make me a batch next time you’re making them for yourself?” Cooking lessons would be another type of favor: “Say, I’d love to be able to cook some of these fantastic dishes myself, would you mind giving me some lessons?” And, whenever they offer you a favor, take them up on it graciously. And, finally, I echo the rest of the posters here – you are a nice person and a good neighbor.
Tater,
very simply put-
Never deny a person the opportunity to give
I, too frequently help people out when they need it with NO expectation of “getting back”. I have found that people usually NEED to feel like they’re giving back to you, so let them do things like babysit if they want.
I was also going to mention reciprocity. My next
door neighbor has two children and a car. She
can’t afford a baby-sitter and I love the kids,
so I baby-sit for free. She usually feeds me and,
since I don’t have a car, will give me a ride when
I need one. It all balances out.
Thanks for the advice guys, I do want to learn how to cook Mexican food so I will ask for lessons next time I am over there. I do not want to come across as “Lady Bountiful” since this is more of a case that they can not get the food that they like, rather than they will starve if I don’t bring it. I just have so much sympathy for them being in a new country…and let’s face it, I don’t know many people who would choose German food over Mexican.
And Green Bean, we would love to have you in the Food Names clique. Please come to our next meeting where we will discuss recruiting and the 50 best ways to make nonfood named newbies feel inferior. There will also be an exciting debate concerning beverage named posters.
Just gonna use this opportunity to thank my friend across the river for all she’s done to help me out this year.
A,
I want to pay you back someday…I have no idea how, because you’ve given me so much more than money. I’m very fortunate to know you. Thank you for being my surrogate mom/pal/advisor. Bowen and I love you more than you can ever know.
~Chris
Perhaps another way might be to arrange a trade with your friends, Raw materials for a finished product. In other words offer to provide (for instance) Masa for genuine, handmade in the true tradition,tortillas, which you could enjoy, give to other friends or even resell to other friends which would allow you to provide more raw materials. Sounds like a budding business! I would offer a one quarter-three quarter split. After all it is a lot of work.
I once had a car problem [with a ditch] and a kind person helped me out. I wanted to “repay” their helpfulness and I was told “What comes down, goes around… please use your ‘kindness chit’ for the next person you see in need.”
I agree with what everyone has said above, however there are circumstances where you can’t rapay directly… keep that in mind the next time you find yourself or someone else in a pickle [keeping the food analogy alive].
I just re-read Bare’s suggestion and would like to second the notion. While living in a very poor country that had lousy bread bakers, I made a deal with a woman who made terrific bread. I provided the flour [which I purchased in the US]] and she made the bread. I got my wonderful baguettes and she sold the rest as hamburger/hotdog buns.
She made extra money, others had their bread needs met and
we all were quite happy.
There probably is a market for tortillas [I assume that there is a fairly large American community since you have a commissary]. What possibilities are there for: taco/burrito tortillas, homemade nacho chips [the French versions are not up to snuff yet so I assume the Germans are either], tortilla chips for taco salads…the list and cash possibilities are endless. Come to think of it, there was an American who taught her Rwandan nanny to make tortillas for the American community in CAR; it was the foundation of our monthly Mexican food fete. We had our tortillas and she earned extra money.
I wonder if this could be the start of a “stone soup” sort of affair, where several families chip in on dinner and cook it together. Over a few dinners, everyone could learn how to make a new dish.
OK, the real reason I replied was to thank tatertot and AudreyK for the compliments. Hmm, maybe we should start a foodstuff poster thread…
Hey, that could be an idea…and everybody loves tortillas! The husband is going to make me a tortilla press, which I will really appreciate. The only problem is getting by base home business rules (aka - we don’t want you to make any money, even though the job situation here sucks), but I’m sure we can weasel our way around it. Thanks!
Oh, and us food name posters really should hang out more often; now that I think about it, us and the chronically diseased, socially stigmatized posters are a cut above the rest.
