At what point should I *insist* on paying for lunch?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have a friend, I’ll call her Karen (since that’s her name :wink: ). We meet for lunch when we can, and she always insists on picking up the tab! I’ve tried and tried, she simply won’t let me pay even for my share of the meal.

Now, on the one hand, she and her husband easily make 3-5X (annually) what my hubby and I make (he’s a pretty hot-shot cardiologist, but they settled in a small city, which I’m sure hurts his bottom line. If he was at Hopkins or the Mayo Clinic, I’m guessing he’d be damned close to pulling a mil a year). On the other hand, it’s not like we’re broke or something.

I met her for lunch today. Once again, she wouldn’t even hear of letting me pay/split the bill. I told her one of these days, I’m going to dig up some dirt on her, and use it to blackmail her into letting me pay! :wink:

So, seriously, how hard should I push this thing? She seems to really enjoy taking me out to lunch. While we don’t go to lavish places, it ain’t McD’s, either. (Pretty much mid-class places. Price-wise, think Ruby Tuesday’s or Applebee’s, though we favor local, non-chair restaurants).

Maybe, if she won’t let me pay for lunch, I should reciprocate some other way?

Any chance this is cultural? She was born and raised in Scotland, but got her higher education in England. Her husband was born and raised in Iran, but got his higher education in Switzerland. They’ve lived all over the world. I dunno.

So, thoughts, ideas or suggestions?

2

Let her do it. She clearly wants to.

Now, they likely have less time than you, so make something hand-made in your kitchen- cookies, brownies, bread, whatever. Present it to her next time you meet for lunch.

3

I like this idea a lot. You’re right, they have less time. He is busy with his medical practice, and she is his office manager. Their kids are grown, while I still have one left at home. Still, I’d think a nice loaf of tea bread or something next time we get together. . .Great idea!

4

I agree with DrDeth. My two best friends (a married couple) make about 50% more than I do (together) but most of the time they insist on paying. Conversely, I have some other friends that I often pay for.

I think my friends enjoy my company and just like to pay, or maybe they feel bad for me. With the people I pay for, I enjoy their company and some of them I feel bad for. I like to pay because I can - friendship means so much more to me than money.

Great advice on the home-made stuff, too. It will be very appreciated.

5

My parents have an arrangement like this with one of my dad’s former coworkers. He takes them to fancy restaurants, we have him over for home cooked meals.

6

I used to be that guy - the one who always insisted on getting a check. One day a female friend told me I was being selfish. I was taken aback - :confused:. She said: You know that nice feeling you get when you buy dinner for someone else? Well you never let others feel that feeling. That is selfish.

After that I started letting others pick up the check sometimes.

7

I’m with Khadaji. I had a friend like that, too, so every other time we met, I just got to the restaurant first and gave my debit card to the waitstaff to take care of the bill. No tab was presented, only the slip I had to sign at the end. Problem solved.

Or, since reciprocity is the goal, you could invite her and her husband to dinner at your house. Good luck.

8

Hah. Nice. Very clever! :cool:

Well, I could have when we lived in the same town, but we live two hours apart now. I had lunch with her yesterday because I had a doctor’s appointment down there. She came to visit me in the hospital a couple of weeks ago when I had my kidney removed (I went ‘back home’ for the surgery, because it was a urologist I know and trust), and was lamenting that we haven’t had a good long chat for quite a while. My hubby was there, and suggested that when I came back into town to have my staples removed, maybe we could meet for lunch. She was enthusiastic about the idea. (Being her husband’s office manager, she can get away with taking the occasional ~3 hour lunch! :wink: ). So that’s exactly what we did.

I do like the idea of taking her (and of course her husband) some home-made goodies next time I’m meeting her for lunch.

Oh, and Khadaji, I don’t think she’s being selfish (of course, you didn’t think you were being selfish, either, so. . .). It’s just that I’m not sure whether she feels she should do this because they are more financially solvent than us, or what.

Balance was restored to the universe, however, when I met my 18YO daughter for dinner, and had to pay, because she budgeted badly this pay period. Then, just for good measure, I slipped her another $10.00 to last until payday (which is tomorrow).

9

It’s not about dollar-for-dollar reciprocity. It’s about the feeling of giving. It’s about being able and willing to give. It’s about helping others out. It’s about a lot of things, and as long as you’re still able to give back to the friendship in your own way, then by all means, do it. Friends don’t keep a tab of who has paid for what. They keep track of who loves them, who makes them feel good, who gives back to the relationship.

10

Played golf at a buddy’s very exclusive club the other day - where non-members’ money is no good. Sitting in the bar afterwards, I jokingly said I’d treat him to 9 at the cow pasture I usually play and we’d be even.

To his credit he said, “Even doesn’t enter into it. There is nothing I would rather spend my money on than golfing with my friends.”

So of course we ordered up another round and accused him of having to pay for friends, and offering ourselves up as golf-whores! :stuck_out_tongue:

But all you need to do is offer. If she wants to pay, let her. Just be sure to say “Thank you.”

11

I’d agree that one of the major perks of being reasonably financially secure is being able to do things with the money that make you happy, including picking up the check for lunch with a good friend. The reason you put in the long hours at sometimes crappy jobs is to be able to reap these kinds of benefits.

I’d second, or third, the suggestion to give back in a different form. Since they live further away now you could invite them for a weekend bed-and-breakfast style visit. Home cooking, and a bit more of the downtime than they normally get. Homemade gifts/food are a good idea as well.

Enjoy,
Steven

12

I try to find a way to pay for my pals when it’s two of us because I know they make less than I do and I don’t have the responsibilities (kids) they do. I can afford it (I’m not rich or anything, but my rent is cheap and like I said, it’s just me) and money doesn’t matter in terms of having quality time with people. I know the money means a lot less to me than it would to them.

If my friend just came off having her kidney removed, I’d treat for sure! But yeah, let her pay but maybe bring along a little gift if it makes you feel better.

Or she just feels bad about how you have to stand through the meal. :wink:

13

:smack: I hope it’s obvious I meant non-chain.

You all make good points.
My mother was always obsessed with money. True, in my child-hood years, we were pretty broke. But even after I was grown, and she and my father were comfortable, she obsessed. I guess some of that trickled down to me.:wink:

So I’ve decided I’m not going to obsess about her paying for lunch if it makes her happy (though I will continue to offer to pick up the check and/or chip in). But there are definitely home-made treats coming up in her future. Maybe I’ll even figure out how to do a home-made treat for their beloved cockatoo!

14

Yep. I was just being annoying. :o

15

Bingo. I’ve done this a couple of times with my parents. By the time they even know what’s happening, it’s too late to say anything.

16

You do have that reputation on the boards. . .;):smiley:

17

I think if you’re close enough friends that you should raise the question. “I love our lunches and I really enjoy getting to spend time with you. I’ve noticed that you always pick up the check. Now, I realize that friendship is not about keeping score, and I certainly am blessed to have such a generous friend. I just wanted to check-in and make sure that I’m not accidentally causing offense by not paying. Also, I’d like to pay the tip, if that wouldn’t offend.”

Once you’ve raised it, respect her answer, and order the lobster. (I keed.)

As I always tell my less financially free friends that money is just a resource, a tool, like many other things both tangible and intangible. If I have it and am willing to spend it, it’s because I want to spend time with people I enjoy doing things I can now afford. Lord knows I depend on my friends for a caring ear, a joke when I’m down, to help me move and put together my dumb-ass really heavy bed, to give me rides all over when I didn’t have a car, etc. Generousity is a state of mind, not a bank balance.

18

Of course everyone is different, but if it were me, I would insist (and I mean absolutely do NOT take no for an answer, full on INSIST) on paying at least once----These are not huge sums of money, you can clearly affort to reciprocate; she should be gracious enough to allow you to treat at least once, and after that, if you offers are refused, at least there is the shared knowledge that you honestly tried…

19

All good points.
Since we now live so far apart, I’m sure I will have some notice before our next get-together to ‘formulate a plan’, as it were. Whether it’s to just bring some home-made treats (cookies, tea bread, hot cocoa mix, etc) or to arrive a few minutes early and slip the waiter my credit card before she even arrives, I don’t know. But I’ll have time. . .:wink:

Thanks, guys!

20

I’d vote for the homemade treats. Treating lunch is her thing. Find your thing to reciprocate with.