Friendship etiquette/manners

In My Humble Opinion
1

Ok, we’ve all experienced this before. I don’t know which side of the fence you sit on but here’s the scenario:

You and your friend live about an hour or more away from each other. You both decide to meet up but it ends being in the city where your friend lives and not your city (it always seems this way).

So if you are the one that is going to travel 1 hour or more to see your friend, is not expected that the friend then should pay for the lunch/dinner when you eat out?
It’s not something I would expect one would have to mention or bring up because then that just makes you sound really cheap, “hey buddy, you pay for my meal since I drove all this way to see you and spent gas and time” lol.

It’s just friendship etiquette that I’d expect you to be treated if you are the one that did all the work to see them.

If my friend came all the way to see me and I just sat here comfortably waiting for him playing pc games or watching youtube while he’s spending hour or two and gas to get here, I’d certainly pay for his meal when we eat out. I would feel really bad if I made him pay for the meal, too, and drive all this way to see me.
What do you guys think? What has been your experience?

2

Moved to IMHO from GQ.

Colibri

3

Moved to IMHO from GQ.

Colibri

4

I would not expect a free meal. I’m often the one driving in to meet up but that’s because I chose to live in a less entertaining part of the city.

You should suggest a place close to you and see how much effort they put into making excuses to flake out. If it’s a lot, the friendship may need to be reassessed.

5

Driving one hour is not a big deal. Meal expenses are not related to the driving at all. Much depends on the nature of the friendship, the relative wealth of the individuals and a wide variety of other factors. If parity/equity is such an issue, I question the core of this friendship.

6

When I invite a friend over, I don’t expect them to pay for a thing, even if they live right next door. I figure I am the host. Now, if it’s just the two of you going out to a restaurant, it’s probably OK to split the bill or pay separately, but why would it hurt to offer to pay and seem generous? Especially if it was your idea and you told them, “Hey, haven’t seen you in a while. Let’s meet up for dinner at Cafe Such-and-Such, my treat.” Or, if it’s a regular thing, just agree to alternate who pays each time.

7

I don’t agree that it always depends on the wealth of the individuals. I know some multi-millionaires, but I don’t expect them to pay for all my meals, or my cab fare for that matter.

8

If we invited somebody(s) to our home, or they to invited us to their home, the hosts serves the food & drink & puff & whatever. If we meet somebody(s) at a public spot, even if some travel an hour, we all pay our own tabs; it’s only fair. If it’s family, we may offer to pay. If they insist on paying, we’ll provide a generous tip. YMMV.

9

This is a friendship, not an economic transaction. It does make you sound cheap.

What you should do is not be worrying about who pays but alternate where you meet. Certainly your friend should be OK with driving to your city half the time.

10

Friend says: I am bored. Wanna hang out? We can get lunch at a place I know.

In this scenario, it is not too unreasonable to expect the friend will pick up the tab, but I would advise you to still bring your wallet.

If the two of you mutually agree to meet up and mutally land on a place closer to your friend, then expecting a free lunch wouldn’t be reasonable.

11

It’s nice if they do, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’d expect it as a general rule.

12

I agree - it is only one of the factors - and not necessarily a huge one. However, as a well-to-do retired person, I will frequently pick up the lunch or coffee tab for younger people who I know are watching their budget. I would not EXPECT someone richer than me to do this, but it is a pleasure to be able to do so.

13

I disagree. In modern American culture, when friends agree to meet somewhere the default expectation is that everyone bears their own expenses.

14

I live way out in the suburbs. Most of the people I know socially live in the city. So I’m the one who travels when we get together.

I do not feel that the fact that I traveled puts anyone else under some obligation to me. We’re all getting together because we enjoy each other’s company and nobody is required to be there.

If we get together at some neutral location like a bar or restaurant, everyone covers the cost of their own food and drink. If we get together at somebody’s house, that person often acts as a host and provides something to eat or drink. But as a guest, I generally bring something as well.

15

In my experience it would be really odd for someone to pay for someone else’s meal just because they had to drive an hour to get there. Friends pay their own way. To me, expecting your friends to pay for any of your own expenses comes off as being a cheap mooch.

This situation actually comes up often for me. I live in a small town and most of my friends live in a big city, anywhere from about 45 minutes to over an hour away from me. There is a lot more to do in the city than in my small town, so I am usually the one who is traveling a lot further than them. I would never expect any of my friends to pay anything extra for me.

On the other hand, if you live an hour away from a friend and both places are roughly equal as far as what is available, then you and your friend should alternate. If you are the one who is always going out of your way, that seems like a bit of a one-way friendship, and you should possibly be re-evaluating whether or not you want to remain friends with this person.

16

I’ve actually never heard of such a thing. It would not occur to me that if I drove an hour to visit a friend or mine, they would pay for our meal or bar tab.

17

I feel like this is a complicated social question, and it depends.

When I and my friends were young and poor, we usually paid our own tab. That way I could eat the burger and my friend could eat the lobster, (or vice versa) and it wasn’t awkward. And if anyone was feeling short of cash, they could choose to accommodate that.

Now we usually take turns picking up the tab, because it’s easier. Or if it’s a larger group, or people who might not dine again soon, we just split the bill.

BUT, if a friend eats in my home, I will prepare the meal and pay for all the ingredients. (or vice versa.) And if a friend is visiting from out of town, and chooses to visit me on theor business trip, or their trip to see their mom, I am likely to pay if I take them to a restaurant. Unless it happens semi-regularly, in which case we usually revert to taking turns.

But, “I drove an hour, from one side of this urban complex to the other, because that’s where we decided to meet for dinner”? Naw, no one is the host there, we will spit the bill or take turns or each pay our own. I would think it odd, especially if it were always the same person driving across town, for the other to pay every time.

cornflakes2, if driving across town to visit your friend is getting burdensome, pick a nice place near you and invite your friend to join you there next time. Better yet, pick three nice places with slightly different styles and prices, and then suggest he pick one of them. You can be blunt – “hey we’ve eaten near you the last three times we got together, how about we meet near my place this time. Here are some places you might like out this way.”

18

Pretty much this. I recently had an old friend drive up from about a hundred miles away, and stay over for about four days of revisiting old times (this was before this fucking COVID thing). I fully expected, as the host, to provide meals and drinks. I went out to replenish groceries and he came with me. He picked up a few snacks and other things that he fancied and put them in the same cart as my groceries. I didn’t mind, but he ended up insisting on paying for the whole thing. I thought that was entirely unnecessary, but very kind of him.

We also did some wine and liquor shopping, and more or less split the cost by each buying what we happened to want. One of the things he bought was a very expensive bottle of bourbon which we both finished off by the time he left.

One evening I suggested going out to one of our favorite restaurants from the old days, and he agreed it was a great idea. There was no question that we would split the bill – no other thought even entered our heads. And of course there was no quibbling about whose portions cost more – we just told the waiter to divide the total by two, and we each provided our own tip. I think that was entirely fair.

19

If I stay with a friend for a few days, they usually pay for my meals in their home, but I usually insist on taking them out to a nice dinner somewhere.

20

Some have said it’s no big deal to drive an hour, but I’m not so sure. First, remember that’s an hour each way. Second, some people don’t mind driving as much as others. After commuting in bad city traffic all week, continuing to fight other drivers for the road in your leisure time can be a real drag for some. OP, if you feel burned out on driving, stop. Get out of the habit…when your friend wants to see you, maybe (s)he’ll drive over. And if not buying lunch for you has been your friend’s approach, don’t buy your friend lunch when they come. I’m not saying that out of spite or anything. More like “Oh, that’s how my friend wants to handle that situation and I’m cool with it. I won’t be offended that (s)he didn’t buy me lunch and (s)he won’t be offended when the shoe’s on the other foot. It’s just standard operating procedure.”

Maybe you really enjoy the person’s sense of humor and you share a common interest in some hobby. But it seems like it’s always on you to go see the friend instead of vice-versa. Well that friend might say you’re a lot of fun and give good advice…but you always want to spend more money on fancy meals and they’d rather use their money for other things. It’s not about pointing fingers or finding fault, because even good friends don’t have the same attitude about everything. I’d make it a non-issue so it doesn’t ruin a friendship.