I’ve been with my current girlfriend for about a year now. Things are, for the most part, wonderful. Over the last five or so months however, we’ve hit a snag. The snag is this – when we go out to eat, I’d like it if we took turns paying for meals. She doesn’t like that.
This is what we’ve pretty much been doing for the first half of the relationship, although, it’s not until the latter half that she has voiced her opinion about how she doesn’t like it. She would like it to be more “old-fashioned” and just have me pay most of the time.
She has a decent paying job, as do I, so I pose this question to those of you in serious relationships – how do you work out the paying situation when you’re out to eat with your SO and the bill comes?
We go out to eat often, and out to the local brewpubs and bars about once a week.
He pays about 90% of the time. We split all of our other bills pretty much down the middle, and this is the one area where he just takes over.
He doesn’t mind and I am always grateful. I thank him every single time.
We’re heading off to one of the local brewpubs in an hour or so. It was my idea, so I offered to pay. He was pretty happy about that.
We’ve been dating for four years and most of the time, we’ll pay our own way. And the reason why we split is because that’s how she wants it.
On occasion, I’ll pick up the tab since I make a fair bit more than she does. She protests but it does give us a chance to eat at a nicer place every now and again.
Well, my wife and I share bank accounts, so it doesn’t really matter which of us pays - the money comes from the same place. Normally I “pay”, because it seems to be the socially acceptable way to behave. I must stress that my wife does not expect this of me, or get upset if she has to get out her card, I just do it out of habit.
If we kept our money separate, the question of “Who pays?” would likely be decided by"Who asked?", or “Who’s got the money?”
She would not, as a matter of principle, expect me to pay simply because I have a penis.
We just kind of alternate. When the bill comes, one of us will generally say, “Oh, you got it last time, let me get it this time.” Or “I got the groceries today, do you want to get this?” I think this is fair and OK.
He tries to pay for everything which makes me uncomfortable. On occasion he tries to buy my groceries, which embarrasses me. Besides, I have a good job myself so I don’t need his money. We do not live together.
We have settled into me paying for the high end groceries/cooking them (he likes my cooking) and he pays whenever we go out.
Even though he’s happy to pay for everything I don’t like it, nor do I allow/encourage him to do this for me. He’s upper management in i-banking and they tend to attract golddiggers and I don’t want him to have a sliver of a doubt that it’s why we’re together (I was hesitant about dating him, actually). He finally relented-we compromised on the dinners out being his responsibility, partially because paying at some of the type of restaurants his friends want to go out to are beyond my means, partially because it would look bad in front of his friends/business associates if his girlfriend paid.
We alternate. I try to keep things roughly equal, but he makes more money than I do and tends to insist on paying more often than strictly 50/50 would dictate.
Still, I would not consider it fair for me to require or expect a guy to pay for me all the time.
I have always insisted on alternating who pays with all of my boyfriends. They all appreciated that I did not think a boyfriend was supposed to subsidize all of my entertainment and food costs.
Furthermore, I would be suspicious of a man who insisted on paying for everything. I have seen a number of men take a very traditional stance with girlfriends and wives, and insist on being economically dominant in the relationship, only to turn that into an excuse to be “The Decider” on every issue. I never want to be unclear about the fact that I expect a 50/50 partnership.
Not dating currently, but I did at one point in my life…
…usually whomever picked the restaurant paid. It seemed to be a good compromise with the last g/f, who made far more than me and would always want to pay, while I wanted to pay as a token of my appreciation for her. Instead, dinner dates became our little gifts to each other-- she’d give me a present of an interesting meal somewhere, then I’d make plans and take her somewhere. And, when we’d be running errands and only one of us would be hungry, the hungry person would pay and the other person wouldn’t grumble about having to pay when they didn’t want to eat.
Doing it this way also helps to avoid the early gender conflicts that always seem to crop up when I first begin seeing someone; I’ve had more than a few first dates get ticked when I insist on paying for everything, and they’ll start to argue over the bill, wanting to pay for their half. “Since I asked you to do something with me, I’ll pay. Ask me out for a second date, then you can pay!” Not only does it ease the immediate conflict, but it also leads to a second date.
We do much the same thing; alternate on eating out and the big grocery shopping trips, and just try to make sure it’s more or less even in the long run. Since I work, and she’s a student (with a grant, I should add, lest I be accused of pilfering from the broke), I make more than she does so end up paying for slightly more in the long run, which is fine. It may be something like 60/40, or 63/37. (Me? Over-analyse? Never!)
Sometimes one of us will decide to take the other out somewhere nice, and the person doing the taking generally pays on that occasion. It’s been this way since the start of our relationship (18 months now), and I really do appreciate it.
I’ve had several discussions with women, and especially with women at work there seems to be a feeling that the man paying for everything is deeply romantic. I’m not sure if this is merely in the early giddy phases of a new relationship, or later on, but I think a fair split is… well, fair. It acknowledges the equality of all parties, unless one is making a lot more than the other, in which case they should naturally contribute more. Me paying all the time would rapidly get annoying.
We alternate, but with an eye toward our comparative finances. For about a year now, she’s had the better-paying job; before that, I did. The person with the better-paying job generally pays more like 2/3 to 3/4 of the time that we pay cash/credit, but certainly not each time. However, we often pay for the restaurants that we go to most often with gift cards bought from the grocery store (where we get gas discounts). Grocery bills are part of the finances (along with rent, utilities, and so forth) that we keep track of so we can split them roughly 50/50.
Before finances became joint (which was before we got married), whoever wanted to eat paid, with the caveat that sometimes I felt like paying, so I did. (I also ate a lot more than she did, so it made sense.)
Since finances became joint, same money either way, and she usually uses her card.
We usually split the bill equally between us unless one of us has specifically said that they’ll pay for it.
Our relationship works very well on a ‘separate finances’ basis! We have separate bank accounts although we share the bills for the house and car, we share the cooking although we go to the supermarket together and buy groceries separately. I suppose it makes things easier than having to be shunting money back and forth between our bank accounts.
Is she ‘old-fashioned’ in other ways too? Many of the ‘old-fashioned’ ways aren’t beneficial to the woman, such as letting the man make all the important decisions.
Is she cool with that?
If this is the only thing she wants to be old-fashioned about, then she is just being cheap.
I’m of the old-fashioned mindset that the guy should pay most of the time (90%-ish). I never complained and she always thanked. When we were together we were usually either (1) lazy or (2) busy & on the run; so we ate out a lot.
I’d like to add though that she made up for it by doing her best to cook delicious meals when we were sticking around at home for a weekend or something. I didn’t cook much, so while we split grocery costs she made up for the eating out by cooking in.
Does she buy the groceries? Maybe that is a factor.
I do the big grocery and booze shops, irishfella will pick up the odd item (toilet roll, toothpaste, a missing ingredient for dinner, a few beers, something for lunch or snacks) but doesn’t really buy our food. Since he hates grocery shopping, he also doesn’t accompany me on my weekly shopping trips.
For takeaways (takeout) our deal is I make the phone call and pay the delivery guy and irishfella pays. This is a disincentive to us both to encourage us not to get it!
If we go out for dinner he usually treats or we split. Since I spend a significant amount a week on groceries and we don’t go out often, it seems the fairest way to us.
Obviously, if the groceries were coming from joint funds or we went out for dinner twice a week, we’d have to re-think the system.
Another vote for this one. We’ve been together (goodness) two and a half years now, and it hasn’t really caused any problems. I am making money, while she is in med school, but her parents are, um, well-off enough that she can basically pay for anything she wants to. I’d feel really bad if I took undue advantage of that, though, and I am doing well enough for myself… I’d say I end up paying probably 60 or 65 percent of the time.
When she gets out of med school and starts making the big bucks, though, and I’m back in law school, you can bet your ass she’s gonna be the sugar momma!
