My friends evidently hate me

The BBQ Pit
1

I got an e-mail today from P:

N crushed some tendons in her foot in June and has been out of work, and is having problems with her company’s workers’ compensation insurance company (despite it clearly being a work-related injury, and because of which she cannot return to work), so the lawyers are dealing with it. In the meantime, she’s not getting any income, although her lawyers are actively moving on the case and predict she should see a resolution/settlement soon. She’s also informed me that she’s borrowed money from her folks, is looking into other financial options based on her situation, and has paid her rent through October. She also had a little money set aside to go to Florida, so, needing the support from her parents (and having nothing better to do), she decided to go ahead and buy the plane ticket and go for a couple of weeks. She’s broke, but not destitute.

The temp agencies I work for haven’t been able to find me work since my last assignment ended in June. In July I started doing some pick-up work helping someone renovate her house, but it’s hardly full-time income - just enough to make sure I have food and gas. When my annual vacation was coming up in August I had decided not to go, despite being very depressed about that prospect, but I managed to borrow a tent (instead of having to buy a new one), borrow my mother’s car (instead of having to rent one), and borrow buddy passes from a friend who works for the airlines (instead of having to buy a ticket); it was only because of these factors that I decided to go, as the vacation itself is dirt cheap (camping), and my campmates always chip in $20 a head for camp fees, which covers my expenses over the course of the year and any incidental expenses during the trip, so that paid me back just enough to warrant taking the trip after all, since it was, in essence, now a free trip. Now that I’m back I’ve finally gotten an assignment, but because of their pay cycle, it’s going to be another three weeks before I get paid, and I just looked in my wallet - I have one dollar to last me until then. (I don’t even get my check from Dubya until the end of the month.) Now, my housemates are totally awesome and have never even raised the subject of rent since I moved to California (they want me to be settled and financially stable first, and that includes, to them, my credit card debts).

OK, so N and I are in different situations, but similar - we’re both broke for the next forseeable few weeks, and we’re both desperate for money to pay bills and feed ourselves. So why are my friends taking up a collection for her? :frowning:

Couple things: No, I know for a fact they’re not taking up a collection for me as a surprise like they’re doing for her; yes, I realize I have a definite income versus her promise of a settlement; and yes, she’s bitched about her situation louder than I have. It’s just that, getting that e-mail, it kinda hurt my feelings. :frowning:

When you add this to the ongoing boil I’ve had over the fact that, even though I’ve thrown and seen thrown several surprise parties for our gang (we’ve all been close friends since 1985), my 30th and every other birthday and special occassion (including my leaving the state) went by unmarked (and it makes it worse when I found out several months after my 30th birthday that my parents were thinking of throwing me a surprise party but N never got back to them with a list of my friends to invite, so it never happened).

I love my friends as my own family, but I’m starting to feel just a tad taken for granted. I am certainly one of the “leaders” of the group in getting people motivated to do new and fun stuff, organizing parties, having people over to hang out, getting our annual Christmas party together, etc., so it’s not like I’m a wallflower that never contributes and is whining because I’m being ignored; if anything, I’ve probably (arguably) done more for the group, on average, than anyone else. And the thanks I get is being asked to give money to someone else who’s just as broke as I am?

:frowning:

Esprix

2

Esprix, if your friend N has been loudly bewailing her fate and you have not, if your friends think you have been working and they know N has not, maybe they just don’t know. If they have been your friends for 16 years, maybe you can give them the benefit of the doubt. I’m sorry that you feel so hurt by them.

I’d help you out, but I’m in the same boat you are. After being laid off all summer, I just started working last week and I won’t get a full paycheck for two more weeks.

3

Esprix,

I doubt very much that your friends hate you. It does sound like they take you for granted. As to the specifics of the e-mail, it sounds like this was an e-mail that went out to a bunch of people, problbly without pause to think about their specific circumstances. I would say that people are more likely to take up a collection of the sort that the letter describes when the financial burden is caused by injury or illness. This may or may not be fair, but it does seem to be how alot of people operate. Does that help at all?

4

They don’t hate you, they just can’t see you.
I know I give off the image of control and calm even when I’m freaking out. It’s pride. I don’t talk about my financial woes or even if I’m scared of things. If there’s a scary project afoot, I don’t wail about how impossible it is, I pick it apart into manageable sections and go around motivating and problem-solving, but when you lead, you’re out in front and people don’t see your needs.
It’s all perception. Let it be known you’d help out if you could but you’re not able right now. Tell P you know you haven’t shared this with him/her, but you just can’t.

5

Damn, Esprix, you and I need some new friends!

We love you! Can we send you a dollar?
:smiley:

6

[sub]Yes, please. :smiley: [/sub]

Esprix

7

I would also suggest that some people project an aura of success, and people don’t tend to think of them as poor, even if they actually are. I don’t know if this is the case in your situation, but sometimes it is.

8

I know where you’re coming from. I was always the planner, the leader, the motivator for the most part with my gang. However, after 2-3 years of being the only one doing anything and getting forgotten in the mix, I said forget it. Honestly, they were good friends, I thought, until I stopped planning stuff and they never called or wrote. Okay, now I’m whining now so I’ll stop.

See, most people think only of themselves unless someone whines louder than their current train of thought. They then get interrupted and say, “Oh, X needs help. I’ll help.” It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. You’re just not squeaky enough maybe. Or like Izzy said, your positive, upbeat nature precludes them from thinking that you’re in dire straits, depressed, whatever.

9

I’d also take it as a compliment that they don’t feel you need charity. Just my two cents.

As for birthdays, well. Birthdays only seem to happen if you make noise about them.

10

One dollar for Esprix happiness, eh?
No…I think I’ll be happier with my dollar.
:slight_smile:

11

We can’t send you a dollar without your snail address, dear.

12

I know I could make Esprix happy for a couple of hours, and no dollars would be involved at all (I’d do it for free).

13

interestingly enough, my ex boyfriend’s friends really did hate him. seriously, when i decided to break it off, they all confided that they only ever invited him over to see me. sad, really. i doubt that if your friends really didn’t like you, you’d have even gotten that email.

i realize i’m just rephrasing what was already said in this next bit, but if you’re the one that’s always planning things, maybe none of them is motivated enough for it. sure, motivated enough to send out an email, but not enough for a whole party.

or does your birthday fall at an especially bad time of the year? my brother’s birthday is early september, and it always seems that people are horribly broke then. he rarely has parties.

it might help if you could possibly bring this up to some of your friends. don’t frame it as “you helped N but you didn’t help me,” in fact, don’t even bring N up specifically. you don’t want to sound like you’re just bitter and don’t want to help her. just say, you know, i feel like you guys sometimes forget about me, and i really need you around. something like that.

14

Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you’ve got the power inside you right now. So, use it, and send one dollar to:

Happy Dude
742 Evergreen Terrace
Springfield.

Don’t delay, eternal happiness is just a dollar away!

Grandpa : “I don’t feel any happier. How about you?”
Jasper: “Mmmm…a little”

15

Sorry, Esprix, I don’t mean to make light of your situation. But when someone opens the door like that for a Simpson’s reference, I am powerless. :smiley:

On a serious note, I think that Izzy may be on to something with his post.

16

<giant stage cane appears, grabbing gobear and dragging him off into the wings>

<enter jayjay>

Now, what was this about making Exprix happy for a couple of hours?

jayjay (you got one already…don’t be greedy!)

17

And Esprix, too, I suppose… :slight_smile:

jayjay

18

Hi beautiful (Esprix, I mean)!

Isn’t this just so painful? It does happen, and no matter hopw “mature” a person might be it still hurts.

It seems that I’ve observed among my friends and workmates, that it often happens, that some people’s needs are paraded and they get so much time and attention, while others , in just as much or more need get so much less.

It has certainly happened to me, and presumably something similar happened to Shakespeare, because of the lines in Hamlet describing the irritations of life, when he lists

The oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes…

So you have patient merit, old bean.

I’m sure this isn’t much comfort, but at least you might be encouraged to think that it’s not a personal thing with your friends, just a human (if painful) thing.
and you deserve better.

Redboss

19

Good Lord, you people rock!

So I get home last night, and sitting in my e-mail, with subject line “WRT Your SDMB Thread ‘My friends evidently hate me’,” is a link to PayPal for $50 with the note, “Pay it forward when you feel that you are able.”

:smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley:

I am truly humbled by the graciousness of strangers and the random acts of kindness the world has to offer. I am particularly impressed with said Doper (who shall remain anonymous unless s/he says otherwise), someone I don’t recall ever having directly interacted with before, but someone I do know from the SD.

Of course, I graciously declined. (Curse my mother, teaching me manners! Of course, manners dictate I shouldn’t be rude should they insist… :wink: ) Regardless, it is the gesture that means more to me than anything, and will be long remembered.

It’s funny - every year I head off to my annual Medieval SCA camping trip (the Pennsic War, for those in the know), and I can still remember back to my first War with a screen porch for my tent and borrowing hot water from my neighbors every morning so I could have my tea. As the years went by, and I got more and more financially secure, my setup and expeditures increased accordingly. When I started running the encampment for my group (Clan Blue Feather), we tended to get a significant portion of poor, starving college students (as are many folks who go to Pennsic, as it’s probably the cheapest vacation around). Of course, as camp den mother, I saw to it they didn’t starve themselves or suffer some calamity, and not only waived camp fees for those who couldn’t afford them and picked up their slack, but helped where I could. (I particularly remember one time taking Corvus to the supermarket for food for the trip and he was excited that Ramen noodles were on sale, six for a dollar! I told him to get his noodles, and then I went and bought a package of chicken breasts and told him to throw it into the pot. Kid almost cried… <sniff>) So, after all these years, it’s nice to be on the receiving end for a change. [sub](You will, of course, avoid making the obvious joke, you bastard… :wink: )[/sub]

OK, I may still be po’, but at least I’s a happy po’!

Esprix

20

Huh.

Not to speak for whomever your Good Samaritan was (and FTR it wasn’t me), but your message brings to mind something my mother told me when I protested her offer to help me out of some financial straits some years ago: “Shut up and take the money. You can pay me back by helping out someone else some day.” Obviously, her words have stuck with me.

Never be too proud to accept help kindly offered, O Guru of Gayness. Just a thought.