Am I totally nuts? Or is my GF totally self-centered?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I know, I know - yet another I-need-a-hug type of thread, but for me this is much more of a I-just-have-to-vent-to-someone-or-I-am-going-to-go-completely-buggo thread.

Firstly, some history. My girlfriend and I have been going out since April. We started off as flatmates, sharing a house in SW London with 2 other people. We lived together for about 5 months before we started dating. And about 5 months ago we made the big decision to live together properly, so I moved out of my room and we now share a room.

Just to add some stress to an already funky situation, our other flatmate was recently diagnosed with Hodkin’s Lymphoma and has been ungoing chemo, and is one of my GF’s best friends. Oh, and GF was out of work for 7 months, and I was financially and mentally supporting her, to the tune of about $6,000 US loaned over the last 6 months for rent and bills and stuff (most of which has been paid back). She’s now been back working for 2 months, and I am sure that is really stressful to her, as she’s a pretty senior marketing manager. She also broke up with her last boyfriend to be with me. Ok, not just for that reason, but I was definitely part of her decision.

We’ve been on two holidays together - one bumming around England for a week and then sailing across the English Channel for a weekend in Cherbourg, the other for 2 weeks in Croatia. We have also spent long weekends away in Prague and other places. We travel well together, and have a really good time doing so. We also seem to do pretty well most days of the week, and I certainly most of the time enjoy her company.

This is my first time living with a girlfriend. Maybe it’s just settling in jitters, or maybe I am really dating someone who’s pretty damn insensitive to anything but her own needs.

We had a Christmas party at our place, for a 12 of our friends, on Saturday – a widows and orphans thing, so very irreverent with all sorts of illegal and immoral things going on. It was nice, and it was quite fun. For a while. We cooked, drank, etc… all of Christmas day - most of the guests had something to contribute to the meal which lasted like 4 hours. Most people stayed over, with a few exceptions. I put GF to bed on Sat night around 3am; I went to bed around 4. She woke up around noon on Sunday (party still ongoing) and commenced to absolutely trash herself. We were supposed to be going away Monday AM for a rest and relaxation overnight at this excellent Hotel in Berkshire (about 1 hour drive from home) for some luxury treatments (massage and girly stuff she had scheduled) and a posh dinner.

Originally, the party invite said we would be kicking everyone out at 8pm on Sunday. Instead, our friends (because of the GF not telling them to leave and in fact encouraging them to stay longer and party with her) stayed until 9am Monday morning (I finally said enough and went to bed at 11pm on Sunday night, party still going strong – she ignored my requests to cut it off). We didn’t leave for our ‘romantic getaway’ until almost noon, were late for the massages we had booked, and were both so exhausted by the last minute cleanup Monday that we didn’t have enough energy to enjoy the getaway!

Oh, and for the record I did all the last minute shopping, set up the house by myself including a massive banquet table and beds for guests and cleaned everything beforehand as the cleaning lady is on holiday. I also cleaned up after the dinner, and made 4 ‘cleaning runs’ during the party where I washed all the glassware and plates and cleaned the kitchen and took the trash out. I also did the bulk of the cleanup and such on Monday morning, with the help of one of the guests who stayed over. She didn’t do much outside of cook one course and turn the music up really really loud and take credit for the excellent party thrown.

After the party, the carpets were in quite the state of disrepair. She had asked me to sort out the carpet cleaning Wednesday morning. So I take time away from my 80-page document review and update, which must be done next Tuesday to be ready for a customer, and must be perfect because the customer are total assholes, in order to organize this. I make calls to carpet cleaners in our area, start to get quotes together, and she walks downstairs and says ‘Since you didn’t do it, I called a company that can come in Thursday.’ Oh, and she won’t be here Thursday so I have to be ready to drop everything to let the carpet cleaners in.

I also am having difficulty putting up with the frequent minor put-downs she dishes out. Just little things, like today – we had our carpets steam-cleaned while she was out; I was home all day, doing things, and talking with the guy who did the cleaning. I asked him when we could move furniture and stuff back into the vacated room, and he said ‘Give it about an hour, then it should be fine to move everything back in.’ GF comes home, it’s been over 2 hours, and she gets upset when I suggest that we move the furniture back into the lounge. She says I don’t know anything about cleaning carpets (I did it for a part of a job I held while I was in college, but whatever) and that I should just do what she says because I am going to trash the freshly cleaned carpets that she just paid for.

So am I being a jerk? Or is she? Or am I just being too farking sensitive to the vagaries of the ‘fairer sex’?

2

Well, from this account your girlfriend sounds like a jerk. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, I’d make some clear rules about how long guests stay for the next party and a clearer division of party-related chores. If this is an isolated incident, I don’t think you should break up with her. However, you should tell her you’re unhappy with the state of things, especially the sudden change in who was supposed to call the carpet cleaners. I really hate wasted work.

3

Women get away with too much shit because men think this way.

She’s being a jerk and I think you two need to have a long talk.

4

Seems like she’s a jerk to me…

5

Just MHO, but people only walk all over you with your permission (said from a fellow door mat working on changing…) You need to state clearly what you want, do not assume anything, give reasons for your requests and consequences if they are not met. If she does not respect clearly outlined requests, then yes, she is a selfish jerk. But if you just hinted around at what you wanted, if you were passive aggressive, such as going to bed and giving her dirty looks instead of pulling her aside and telling her everyone needs to leave NOW… well, it’s kind of your fault as well as hers.

6

She certainly sounds jerky from your post. I’m sorry your vacation was affected by this. That’s always disappointing.

I’m a bit of the same mind as Thinks2Much. Are you letting her be a jerk? Did you say “Let me know if you’d rather do the shopping, or make up the beds for our guests … I’ll do the other.” before you prepped for the party? Did you say “I can see about the rug cleaners, as soon as I finish up this project for work, which I estimate will be Thursday morning.” If her answers were “neither, you do them both” and “Thursday morning isn’t good enough” then yes, she’s a jerk.

If you didn’t raise these issues before the tasks needed to be done, then she might be clueless that you were under any time pressure.

My personal jury is still out on the extended party hours issue. I like my vacations to be very organized, with lots of leaving on time and being prepared. But I understand that some people like their holiday time to be more spontaneous. If it’s a good party, the preference might be to keep it going. The people in my life who have been of the don’t-know-when-to-let-a-party-die-a-natural-death mindset have been bad news … in large part because it simply makes me crazy when the endless party starts to impact other plans. I guess I would want to know if she does this with every social occasion … or maybe she feels the need to have an all-out, crazy party good time once a year or so.

7

Funny how we all pick up on different things. I do all the cooking, the shopping, prep work, serving, grilling and clean-up when we have parties. My wife holds court.

Does it piss me off? Yes. Do I allow it? Yes, because the battles waged as an alternative are not worth it to me. So I take responsibility for the situation. Sure wish she was the kind of person who didn’t need to be told to pitch in.

Your GF sounds like she was being a jerk- but it also sounds like an incredible amount of partying went on. Can you lay some of her insensitivity there?

8

That attitude is one of something that really irks me. I once lived with 2 guys and a girl in college. The girl was a heinous bitch and the other 2 let her get away with anything. I would ask them why and it came down to “dealing with her bitching is worse.”

Well to me, if someone bitches, and that bitching makes you do what that bitch wants, they’ve won, no matter what. So this never flew with me, and since I was by far the most important house mate (was the only one that could fix anything was the only one that could deal with the asshole landlord, was the only one that could manage organizing the bill payments et cetera) I had her tamed and everyone doing an equal share after the first few months.

I’ve ran into other people just like her that haven’t been able to see the light of an equitable relationship, some of them have been GFs, those are all ex-GFs. I’m very glad I didn’t marry anyone like that.

I just can’t deal with someone who thinks they can take advantage of someone else, no matter how minor the issue. It upsets me even when I see it happening to other people.

9

Ok, I am going to present a little different opinion from the previous posters. I may be completely off base on this but your point of view in the OP sounds just like the character Niles on Frasier: overly concerned with planning, presentation, housekeeping, appearances, extravagent indulgences, and schedule keeping. Your GF, on the other hand, sounds a little more of a spontaneous party girl type. Those two types can get along well but it requires some understanding from both people.

When you set strong expectactions on your girlfriend’s behavior, you are attempting to control her. This is not always bad. If she is the type that forgets to pay bills and you you set up a system and expectations of how and when she pays bills, everyone benefits. The problem arrises when two people’s expectations are subjective and they differ. Maybe your girlfriend just realized that this was the best party she had ever thrown and the other guests wanted to spend time with her. She could disregard that and follow your set plan or she could just modify plans as circumstances change. I would have chosen as your girlfriend did in that situation. Perhaps you were really the only one that cared about all of the housekeeping details after every one was out of their minds. Every relationship has these issues but you have to realize that not everyone has the same values and expectations as you do and to force them upon others as the right way to do things can end up being a minor form of slavery.

10

Well, you asked for opinions. I’m sorry in advance if you don’t like mine, but I think your girlfriend has behaved like a total dipshit. From the sounds of it, this is not the first time it’s happened, either. You are going to have to think real hard about how far you’d like this relationship to go, because someone like her, who seems to have no concept of, you know, other people, is going to be a nightmare to live with for an extended period of time. Wait for the next time something happens…and it will…then ask yourself if you can see yourself smacking your head in the same place for the same reason in 15 years. Or 10. Or 5. Or 1. You guys are going to have to have The Talk. She will not be happy about it, but you have to define the rules as you see them, and as she sees them, and where there is room for compromise. It will be very hard treading that middle ground if you both have very different ideas of what it’s OK to do. It may turn out that you cramp each other’s style. It may have been miscommunication. It may be that this is how she really is. How many occurrences like this one would it take to make you explode? It is better to realize what your situation is sooner than later, but man, you ought to find out what it is! That will tell you what’s next.

11

Man, this thread is just so. . . .so. . . British. :slight_smile:

But irrelevant comments aside, I will only say women can’t walk over guys who don’t lay down.

12

Quite honestly, I don’t think the issue is who’s being a jerk at all, and I don’t expect I could answer that question based on your post. In my own experience, anytime someone has a grievance list like this, the other party also has one equally as long (e.g. “You never take the trash or recycling out.” “But you never clean the cat’s litterbox!”).

The more important issue is that you’re feeling put out or otherwise inconvenienced, as well as unappreciated. That’s what you need to talk to your GF about. Maybe it’ll make her see your POV or, if she has her own list, it’ll make you see the things about her you overlook or don’t appreciate. Regardless, communication is the answer, GomiBoy.

13

She acted like a jerk.

Thinks2Much and delphica, while you both have a valid point about asking directly for what you need, don’t you think anyone with an ounce of sense would realize things need to be done in preparation for a party? Even if it did not occur to her all on her little lonesome you would think when she saw GomiBoy cleaning, preparing beds and tables, etc. it would occur to her to say “can I help?” This is not really out in left field to expect from a grown up.

GomiBoy, if this is a new development or a one time thing, I would talk to her about it. Maybe she is having a bad time at her job or something (not that that would excuse her behavior, but a reason may put your mind at ease and let you move past it). If this is her usual, I would really rethink this relationship.

Just MHO, YMMV.

14

Not necessarily. There are two sides to every story. Maybe she felt it was his responsibility because she thinks it was his idea to have the party or who knows what else might have been going on. If you can’t, don’t or won’t communicate, you can’t blame someone for not reading your mind, no matter how obvious you think it should be.

15

I think she was a jerk, although obviously I don’t know either of you and I’m sure she has her own side to the story. I second those who have stressed the need to talk about this sort of thing and how you feel about it - don’t do it in a confrontational way, or when you’re upset about it or anything, do it as a “I felt ___ when you ___, I understand that you ___ but it’s important for me to ___.” or whatever. It sounds stupidly touchy-feely, but it does work for me as a reminder not to be aggressive in the conversation. Don’t just assume she knows how you feel about it!

If this happens all the time and she knows how you feel about it and still does the same sort of thing, then yeah, she’s a permanent selfish jerk and you need to dump her.

16

This thread is better suited for In My Humble Opinion.

I’ll move it for you.

Cajun Man
for the SDMB

17

Thanks all for your ideas and such. I have read them all and thank you for sending them along. I am also really glad I have done this, as well, as some of your comments have clarified just what it is about this situation that bothers me…

So just to confirm some suspicions:
This idea of never knowing when to leave a party is a common thread with her. She sometimes stays for days at parties - literally. To finally get her to leave a party, I have to be the wet blanket, or simply just say ‘I am leaving, You can stay if you like but I am going home’ and then start gathering my things to leave.

The party was great fun, was her idea initially, had a mix of her and my friends, etc… and yes, many guests had said then and since that it was the best Christmas they had ever spent, so I can see the point about GF not wanting it to end. She did quite a bit of the logistics to get things started (inital shopping, menu planning, etc…), but when it came down to actually making the party happen it was all down to me. And I am not Niles from Frasier - I really do and can relax and let things happen, and quite frequently fly by the seat of my pants at parties and such. It’s just that someone needs to be the responsible party to keep the house from being totally destroyed and to make sure that the housemates at least have the minimals to come home to like furniture…

90% of the time, she is great, it’s just a few glaring things that she does that just annoy the living shit out of me. I am sure she has the same list of annoyances about me, but if so she hasn’t talked to me about them

Yes, you can’t get walked on if you don’t lay down. I don’t think I laid down, I think I was knocked over. I am not annoyed at the party, and I am not an anal retentive planner type. I was just really looking forward to a getaway and just wanted to spend some time alone with my lady and apparently a party was more important than that - that doesn’t make me too happy.

I thinK I am also a little bit weirded out because we have another big weekend this weekend, with 2 parties (Fri and Sat) and I don’t know if I am going to make it through wihtout the ‘talk’ even though I don’t want to spoil anyone’s fun.

Thanks, guys…

18

This sounds remarkably similar to my experience - I had a 7-year relationship finish for similar reasons.

We were both potheads and party-goers - that’s how we met. We also got on fantastically, and travelled round the world together for several years. But over the years she turned into a party animal. She never knew when to stop. One time it was her birthday, so I picked her up to take her for an expensive meal. She was so drunk when I collected her in the evening that she threw up before we even got to the restaurant. She was working in catering, and after she finished at 3am she’d start getting trashed with her coworkers until 6, then bring them all back to our house to carry on partying while I was trying to get ready for work. Another time she disappeared for three nights in a row. Naturally I was getting jealous, and to this day I still don’t know if I had grounds to be. I went looking for her and found her drunk in a pub at 5pm on the fourth day. If she organised a party, the cops would always get called. She’d also take nearly any drug that was going. One time I was in hospital for a week, and she had a party at which a heroin addict turned up, jacked up in the living room, then relieved himself all over one of our armchairs. I was discharged from hospital and came back to this mayhem, and when I got pissed off about this, she snapped “oh why don’t you go back to hospital?” That was the day I knew it was over. We split up the next week, though I have to say I was too much of a wuss, and let her suggest the breakup.

This sort of behaviour is usually bad news, I’m afraid. It’s probably indicative of other problems, and if you try to slow her down, she’ll probably fly off the handle. I’d base any further thoughts about the relationship on the outcome of your talk. Sorry, man.

19

Thanks for sharing with me; that must have hurt a lot. I can’t say it’s as bad for me as it was for you; there have been some sketchy times, to be sure, but nothing that bad. But it’s been bad enough that my radar is definitely blipping away like there’s something big just over the horizon.

I hope it’s not that bad, and we’re definitely gonna have the talk very very soon. I’ll let everyone know how it turned out…

20

The cold hard voice of experience speaking: you say she’s paid back MOST of what she owes you, but how much is she still into you for? I hate to bring this up, but while she’s still in your debt, she OWNS you: kick her out? break up? Sorry, but you can wave the money bye-bye. Of course, that depends on how much you set store on recovering this debt, and I have a nasty feeling that The Talk is going to bring this up…

I don’t wish to sound misogynist in this reply, and I hope I’m not, but the cold hard voice of experience once had a fiancee who lived off a spurious Sickness Benefit and borrowed money from me left and right, treating me as a personal cash machine {OK, I was young and stupid} - when she started screwing around and the relationship was on the rocks, she basically told me that if we broke up, I could kiss the money goodbye. Ultimately, we did and I did.

It sounds as if she definitely needs The Talk - she sounds insensitive and manipulative to me, and you need to lay out some ground rules if you want the relationship to continue - just don’t be surprised if the financial issue is raised: if it is, the CHVOE is telling you that the money’s not worth the ongoing hassle.