Help me decode her "me too" behavior

So I’ve noticed a pattern wh my better half.

I’m planning a trip with my brother next year, just he and I- kind of like a little retreat. The wife is all good with it… Then a couple of days later, she says, " well I’m going to go somewhere fun too" - We’re headed to NYC where my wife has been and is not all that big of a fan of…

So then she proceeds to look into a weekend away, solo to the Bahamas or New Orleans. :confused:

And then I got the day off of work from jury duty and she says " no way, that’s not fair,…take me out and buy me dinner" :smack:

I see that on the surface she may be feeling left out, or that its not fair, that I get to go away on a trip (NEXT YEAR) to somewhere we’ve already been and then she goes and starts planning a trip to places we havent been together

There’s a bit of a double standard here, because she would absolutely flip if I was booking a trip to somewhere “new” without her…

I’ll get something new or a pair of shoes and shes like “me too, I deserve a pair”
I’m trying my hardest to curb this behavior because I feel that it could be detrimental to the longevity of this relationship.

Thanks in advance for reading this and for your input.

Moderator Action

This is better suited to IMHO.

Moving thread from General Questions to In My Humble Opinion (IMHO).


firstly, what’s the age group, as this sounds very immature.

Was this reinforced in her childhood? For example, if a sibling got something new, then everyone got something new?

Step 2: Discuss this with your better half.

You are? What steps have you taken to curb this behavior? I don’t see any mention of that in your post.

How old is your wife? Frankly, she sounds immature.

I would have to ask what is it about this behavior that bothers/irks you. It sounds like it’s more something you need to deal with than change about her.

Quick thoughts:

1- Have you asked her, not an accusatory way, if she knows she does this?

2- How about getting/doing something special just for her (and you get/do nothing) and see if that makes her feel better.

3- A chat w/ a counselor re: feelings of inadequacy
eta just registered the bit about curbing her behavior. Ummm, no. You are her husband, not her parent. You can curb YOUR feelings about her behavior, or you can discuss things with her, in the presence of a counselor or not. Trying to control how she feels/what she does sound like a one way ticket to a miserable marriage.

shes 33 only child.
regarding curbing this behavior, for example with the dinner issue, I told her straight out, just because i get a day off doesnt mean I have to buy you dinner. Plain and simple.

only child syndrome explains it to some extent.

the behaviour is plain immature and irrational, almost akin to a tantrum. talk to her about it and if that doesn’t work turn the tables and mimic her behaviour.

Or she sees you doing something fun and it inspires her to do something fun. I know when I hear of someone else’s trip, it makes me think more of planning something myself. She is joining in your fun day off by celebrating it with you by going to dinner since it’s a day out of the ordinary. It sounds like she is getting into the spirit of what you’re doing. But if you see it another way and are uncomfortable with it, talk to her about where she is coming from.

It doesn’t mean you can’t either :slight_smile:

Is she being bitchy/mean about it? Everyone has their own issues. If she doesn’t have a lot of friends - she is probably relying on you a lot. You could encourage her in any attempts to find new friends, but looked at from the perspective of her having a more fulfilling life - not trying to correct her behavior.

Does she work? How do you manage your family finances?

#1 - i have asked her and her reply is " well i deserve to do something fun too"
seems very “tit for tat” or reciprocated behavior

#2 - i bought her a spa massage for v-day she hasnt used it yet, go figure…lol
#3 - i have not

Huh, this would annoy me, too.

But I don’t think it’s realistic that you’re going to change or “curb” her behavior, and it’s definitely not helpful for you to think of it in those terms.

Some things you might think about:

If you’re booking a trip for yourself, ASK her what kind of trip she is considering for herself. Maybe she would like being asked, and then you could talk about it a normal way that doesn’t involve a lot of “me, too”-ing.

Totally let go of the “but she’s going somewhere I want to go too!” So what? You guys can go again later. They’re not getting rid of the Bahamas, it will still be there.

For things like the jury duty, do you tell her it bothers you and why? For me, personally, jury duty is not like a vacation day, it ADDS to my stress because I’m worried about falling behind at work. If you said something like that, in a conversational way, how would she respond?

i want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but its hard when she says" its not fair, you get a day off…take me to dinner "

tough to get into the spirit.

yes…a project manager at a major financial institution…

our finances are split 50/50 however she picks up a little more of the dog walker because she makes a little more

spank her.

she does not have any friends. ok…she has like 2…literally