Last month my SO and I went on a trip. I said that while we are traveling I would like to plan on eating one meal a day out and fix the rest of our meals pic nic style from what we stock up with. She said that sounds fine. I said lets go to the store together and make sure we pick things out that we will both eat so we don’t have to stop as often. So once we get to the store I don’t get any suggestions so I show her things and ask if that sound good. Ok we stock up and take off, not one meal did she eat from the cooler, we had to go to a restauraunt for each meal. I didn’t say anything.
Ok, now we are getting ready for another trip. I told her I felt about the last trip and her not eating the food. I asked her to please try and be more assertive and say what she likes. We go through this constantly. She feels like I am being a dick to her, am I?
Is it that she doesn’t like the food you pick, or is it that she thinks rummaging in the cooler for snacks when pumping gas is an inherently bad idea?
I get where you are coming from: I am a no-stopper myself. But some people–and I know this sounds crazy–really would rather a trip take 12 or 14 hours with breaks than 10 hours without. It makes me mildly ill to think of it, because I am so firmly in the “No breaks! Pee faster!” camp, and it seems so . . . inefficient . . . to stop and eat. But they apparently feel the same way about rushing, and there’s no legitimate reason why our philosophy is better.
You: What do you want for dinner tonight?
Her: Oh, I dunno. Whatever.
You: pulls open fridge We have some of your aunt’s casserole …
Her: Bleah! No, not that.
You: We could make pasta.
Her: Eh. I’m sick of pasta.
You: Ok, well, what AREN’T you sick of?
Her: Maybe we should just go out.
You: That sounds good. We could try that Italian place on Main Street.
Her: No, not Italian. Something else.
You: Like what?
Her: I dunno. Whatever. Just not Italian.
Maybe she wants to eat in restaurants and doesn’t want to eat from the cooler at all but can’t bring herself to tell you that. If that were that case, would that be okay with you?
It really is both of y’all’s vacation, not just yours, so why should you get to set the mealtime agenda? Don’t mean that to sound snarky, just a serious question.
I definitely think she should speak up and state her preference and it kills me when people don’t speak up and then passive-aggressively assert their agenda with no discussion. But watcha gonna do? Some people operate that way for various reasons.
It sort of sounds like you haven’t left room for her to speak up and say, “That’s not what I prefer! I’m on holiday and would prefer to eat in restaurants, as it makes more of a holiday feeling for me.”
Well it actually is an annual trip I go on. She wanted to tag along which I was happy about but not really a vacation as I am so busy when I get there. I didn’t really mind the idea of stopping at the restaurants all that much as much I did the fact that she didn’t like anyhting in the cooler and made no suggestions as to what she did like, everything was “ok” when we bought it.
Instead of you making the choices and asking her for approval, have you tried actually letting her make the choices? I think she’d be more apt to eat stuff that she picked out for herself.
Yes, that was the whole idea of her going with me to pick out her own stuff. I like pretty much everything. The idea was to stop by rest areas for a little pic nic and save on the restaurants. I have a longer trip comming up where I would really have to eat my own meals and sleep in the camper amybe 4 days a week. I am thinking I should go solo.
It doesn’t sound like you’re being a dick to her; it sounds like she is being dishonest with you by not saying what she actually wants. Passive-aggressiveness is a bad thing in a relationship; it’s manipulative and dishonest.
Maybe it’s also that you’ve been doing it a certain way, and she feels that whatever she would say would seem obtrusive. However nice you are about it.
Also, for me eating out of a cooler for a few days would probably make me quite unhappy. And you’d have to decide in advance out of a really limited selection of options what you’ll want later. So I can image her thinking she’d better go with some sort of practical sandwich and then later not being able to stand the idea of another sandwich.
To me, the crux of it is that this is HoneyBadger’s business trip and her friend “wants to tag along.” That changes the dynamic. It’s not a vacation where everyone’s wishes should be equally considered. But there definitely does need to be an honest out-on-the-table conversation.
The SO obviously did not like the original idea of bringing food, but rather than say so, pretended to go along with the idea. Not being psychic, you failed to choose any food that appealed to her, so she preferred to eat at restaurants, costing extra money and time. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that she did not pay these restaurant bills and that killing time was no big thing for her either. She is clearly the dick here if the facts are as stated.
On the other hand, you say that you did not say anything about eating in restaurants instead of from the cooler. There is no inherent value in keeping all of your feelings to yourself until after the fact. Griping about every thing that doesn’t go your way is unpleasant, but perhaps you are both taking this too far in the opposite direction. If she wasn’t okay with picnicking, she should have said so, if she changed her mind, she should have acknowledged that, and you should have pointed out that you weren’t happy that she was deviating from the agreement, if that was the case.
I don’t think you’re being a dick. How long have you been together? Perhaps she is self conscious or shy about being assertive because it hasn’t been a long relationship yet. Regardless, you had an agreement and she is not adhering to the agreement. Not really fair to you and kind of hard to gauge because I don’t really know her or you. Maybe go to the store and let her make ALL the choices? “I don’t know what you want so you pick out shit for the both of us”.
We have been together of and on for about 18 years now. The last 10 years have been pretty much on all the time. I think if I get honest with myself I believe I am getting somewhat resentful because I had planned to spend my retirement alone and spend considerably more time pursuing my more primitive aspects such as camping, fishing etc. She doesn’t like anything related to primitive. I can’t afford to travel first class more than a couple of small trips a year.
The difficult part with her is that I have to be a mind reader to figure out what she wants, she simply won't express what she wants. She is also overly worried or concerned about doing the right thing all the time, like she is going to get in trouble if she screws up. Her being sensitive makes me not want to ever say anything until it really starts to bug me. I think we need more heart to heart talks and try to find some middle ground.
Someone should start another thread about this. I don’t know what is so difficult about picking something to eat, but I’ve had this conversation SO MANY TIMES it boggles the mind.
I think this is the most important thing you’ve said - you’ve described a number of relationship red flags here. It doesn’t sound like either of you are getting what you want out of the relationship and you aren’t communicating very well.
How long have you been together? It sounds like the two of you have different traveling styles. Is this the first trip you’ve taken together?
I don’t think you’re being a dick at all. If you haven’t been together all that long, it’s possible she’s not sure how to tell you she just wants to eat at restaurants. She really needs to learn to speak up. If it’s restaurants she wants, she needs to say so. Though I guess if you want an honest opinion and you haven’t been together long, you might want to keep your suggestions or questions as neutral as possible. As in, “Hey, do you mind bringing our own food or do you usually prefer to stop.” instead of “Yeah, people who stop all the time are ridiculous. What a waste of time! I want to bring our own food. What do you think?”
Personally, I’m the one who usually suggests to my husband that we bring our own food. He prefers to treat himself on the way with burgers and other “road food.” The grease makes me sick and I’m not a huge fan of the kids eating junk, so I’ll bring something for myself and healthy snacks for the kids, letting my husband eat what he wants (I pack extra in case he wants to go the homemade route).
Well, I normaly have “my” trips and “our” trips. We have been together for close to 18 years. Now that I am retired and wanting to travel more I was hoping to include her in “my” trips. Pretty sure that aint gonna work! I was thinking about it last night some more. I may just reduce the amount of “my” trips a bit which would not be life altering but she is just going to have to accept that now that I am retired I will be going alone a several times a year. It has really been bugging me because I see my retirement plans going right down the tubes. I hate being selfish but I planned for my retirement and she didn’t . I was always very clear about my plans, I think she felt like she would just gradually change me, which she has accomplished to some degree.
My advice is stop being so nice. No seriously. this passive aggressive crap is her banking on the fact that you don’t want to be a dick to her. Ask. Ask once. If she doesn’t give an opinion then remind hr that you have asked and are willing to hear her input at any time. Then do exactly what the hell you want unless and until she speaks up. If she chooses only to speak up after the fact then refuse to listen.
“I really very much wanted to know what you wanted at the store when I asked you. You chose not to tell me then, and there’s nothing I can do with the information now.”
Tell her that this has been driving you nuts, and the above will be your approach from now on. She needs to grow a pair or live with the consequences.
