Help me decode her "me too" behavior

In My Humble Opinion
21

I don’t really see how it’s immature to not want to sit home alone while a partner is off doing something fun. If The Bahamas and New Orleans are places you have talked about visiting together, I would be a little annoyed and would try to convince her to pick something else, maybe more in line $-wise with what you’re doing. If NYC is just a weekend thing then I think jetting off to The Bahamas is kind of an overreaction (unless you live in FL). Maybe she can have a weekend with her folks or go to a nearby spa or something. But if this retreat with bro is more along the lines of a week-long trip, fancy hotels, big dinners out, etc. then I definitely think she has a right to do something that week, too. Unfortunately for you, the list of places to go for a weekend and the list of places to go for a week is probably pretty different and the latter may have more places that you both haven’t been and you’ll just have to live with it.

The lucky day off thing just strikes me as her wanting to spend time with you. The buy me dinner part is kind of weird, but I’m also in a 100% shared income marriage so we don’t have to dick around with the whole who buys this and that questions.

The “me too” on buying things also strikes me as an unfortunate result of a split finances situation. If she wants shoes, why doesn’t she just buy them herself? If you control the spending, or insist on running purchases past the other one, and then show up with new kicks, then I can see why she’d be like, hey, I want some new shoes, too.

22

Maybe it’s just me, and other couples do this differently, but I don’t understand the “I buy her dinner” thing. I never “buy my wife dinner”. We go out. We pay with our credit card. It’s not me buying her anything.

And if you can plan a trip just for yourself, without including her, then she gets to plan a trip for herself, without including you. Plain and simple.

23

So the opposite behavior would suit you better? She should stay home, alone and bored while you and brother have a vacation? Why shouldn’t she also explore her options? Would you insist she stay home because “she didn’t think of it first?”

I’d be a little envious of a free day off when I was working, too, and would love it if my husband would take the opportunity to improve my day. I don’t quite get your complaint, are you upset because she’s copying you? If so, that sounds pretty juvenile, much more so than her attempt to seek fairness and balance in the relationship. There are two of you, after all.

24

We’re in the North East, so a 4 day trip to NY with my brother whos flying out from the west coast, is not a big deal for us. We;re not going to be blowing $$ or anything like that, we;re rather conservative.

I just get a strong sense that shes feels like its not fair that I get to do that ( mind you, its the fist trip my brother and I have ever done)

Regarding the shared income, its not a matter of finances, it just seems petty… Jury duty got cancelled and even if she was just kidding, but it makes her look like a jealous person, which she is. Also, if she wants something she starts with her “puppy face act” and starts reminding me of all the good things she does for me, trying to plead her case and butter me up for whatever it is she wants.

I try to give her the benefit of the doubt in many scenarios because I know she had a fragmented childhood with poor upbringing to which she will acknowledge.

But its still difficult to manage.

25

“Me too” mentalities can easily spiral out of control if both partners engage in the behavior. “Me too” tends to happen when someone is sad/depressed/unhappy for some reason or another - we grew up in a materialistic society and so for a lot of people their first reactions to chronic unhappiness is to buy “a little something” to cheer themselves up. Seeing someone else get something nice spurs that urge on a little harder.

It sounds as though she’s feeling a bit inadequate or left out. If she’s insecure about not having friends as close as yours (or as many as yours), the trip could be causing little stirrings of jealousy. With so few friends it’s easy to become extra-attached to your SO.

Long story short: TALK TO HER. It doesn’t sound like this is a one-time only deal. On the surface, it looks fine that she takes a trip when you do too. But if every time you buy a movie you like, she has to get one she likes, and every time you get a new winter coat, she has to have a new winter coat (regardless of the fact yours is 7 years old and worn out and she got one as a present last year), it could spell trouble. Also, puppy dog eyes and pulling up the past to get what she wants? Definitely a little manipulative…could help to get a bit of counseling.

26

I have to say it sounds like you don’t like your wife very much. I wonder whether this is apparent to her and this creates her me-too-ism. (I also wonder if she’s really that manipulative or if you are just looking for things to criticize.) You sound very hostile; I am sure she senses this. Probably counseling would be an excellent idea.

27

Not a problem… I really dont care if her positioning was a little more open and not delivered in a spiteful/jealous manner. " well I’m going to do something fun too, then" " well thats not fair, I want to deserve to do something too"

I could really care less what she does, if she wants to go out, great! Have a blast! I really am very supportive in that manner, I feel. In fact, it would be to her benefit to plan something.

I really appreciate all the input and various comments/suggestions

I’m going to try my hardest to brush off the “me too” attitude

28

So instead of talking to her and trying to see what’s making her unhappy, you’re just going to ignore it? Well, good luck with that.

Your “If she wants to go out, great! Have a blast!” sounds kind of dismissive. If I were the wife and told that, I’d be thinking “So you’re not even going to try and see why I want this? I should just run off and do it? Don’t you want to be involved with my life? You just want me gone for a while?”

She wants some support, not some “Oh just leave already, go have some FUN, you NEED it” sort of thing.

Counseling, sir.

29

Well, it occurred to me that if she didn’t work, she might be doing this because she feels hesitant to spend money unless it’s for something you also feel comfortable spending it on. But even if she works, that could still be true. I feel that way sometimes; I don’t like to feel that I’m being more frivolous than my husband with our money, particularly because he earns more than I do. So I sometimes hold off on buying, say, new clothes or shoes until he does. I know he would never forbid me from buying stuff like that, but he might judge me, albeit subconsciously. I don’t want him to think of me as a spendthrift, so I try to limit my spending on things that he doesn’t personally think are worth buying.

As for the double standard of her doing things that would upset her if you did them, like booking trips to “new” places: let me get comfortable in my armchair here, and direct your attention to my tastefully-framed Degree in Internet Psychology there on the wall. My guess is that she wants to spend more time with you, and wants you to want to spend more time with her. When you plan a trip without her, to a place she wouldn’t want to visit anyway, she takes it as a statement that you don’t want to spend time with her. So she says to herself (possibly without even realizing this is what she’s thinking): “Fine, if he doesn’t want to spend time with me, then I’ll spend time without him and see how he likes it.” If you asked her, she might say, “It’s only fair - you get your fun time, so I should have it, too,” but what she feels underneath that is, “I don’t want to need you more than you need me. It feels too vulnerable. I need to assert to you - and to myself - that I don’t rely on your company any more than you rely on mine.”

So of course she plans something that would hurt her if you did it. She wants you to be hurt. She wants (again, probably subconsciously) for your reaction to be, “Gee, babe - I’ve never been there, and I really would have liked to experience it for the first time with you!” Then, when your reaction is, “Great! Have a blast! I couldn’t care less!” it just cements the idea that you’re happiest when she’s not around.

That’s why she’s grabbing at straws for any excuse to make you spend time with her. That’s the only way that your “day off” at jury duty could possibly require you to take her out: you got to do something with your time you enjoy - not working - and so now you have to “pay” for it by doing something that you (apparently, in her mind) don’t enjoy - having a dinner date with her.

And that’s also why she hasn’t used the spa massage gift yet. If she really feels you don’t like to or want to spend time with her, then a spa massage is just another way for you to get her off your back.

Bottom line, if you like her and respect her, show her by actively seeking to spend time with her. And please note that the mere fact of living together doesn’t count as “spending time together”.

30

The fact that she has no friends is a major red flag.

31

Hey man, I’ve only got a handful of friends and I’m quite happy! Not everyone needs 12 or more of them. But that hubby has more while she doesn’t could be a rubbing point. Doesn’t make it a run away deep personal problems ahead sort of red flag, just a difference of priorities that can be talked out.

The way jlspeed29 is talking makes me think he doesn’t think very much of her friends. Which could just be him dismissing them without knowing them - not that she doesn’t have a few good ones. So far my perception of jlspeed29 is veering more towards “doesn’t pay a whole lot of attention to what wife does, busy doing own thing” because he’s of a sort of mindset where adults should do things independently (an “I’m my own man and you’re your own woman and we shouldn’t have to cling to each other to feel good and live life” sort of deal)

32

I dunno, my husband doesn’t have any friends, that live close enough for casual get-togethers anyway. He also has no problem with me doing fun things on my own if the opportunity arises. There’s a bit of whining if he’s got an insane schedule while I’m off playing, but that’s natural. He and I do fun things together too though, and he goes off on his own as well. It’s all about give and take.

I agree it doesn’t sound like the OP likes his wife very much, as a person and a friend. She sounds needy, it’s true, but perhaps this is her way of saying HEY! Remember me? Is this a new thing I wonder? Or was it cute when the relationship was new but now it’s a habit that’s turned grating?

33

Insightful…thank you! ^^

Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with her. We do plenty of things together.

When I said " great have a blast" that was here, and it came out a little more harsh than otherwise would have been delivered by me. I really do want her to go out and have fun. I’m not dismissive of that. I really want her to go out and enjoy and do fun stuff.

Regarding her 2 friends, they are very nice gals and I dont think less of them. Unfortunately for her, she was the type to have mostly guy friends ause she doesnt get along with most girls (she will admit to this)

Re: the massage- she gets really stressed and her neck hurts her so I got her a gift card for 2hr massage so she could feel better… from the bottom of my heart, I dont like to see my wife in pain.

34

I don’t know that it’s even necessarily about time together, but I agree that it probably boils down to her not feeling wanted/valued/important. The vast majority of interpersonal issues do.

And honestly, OP, it’s not like you aren’t "me too"ing about her proposed trip to New Orleans or the Bahamas. “I’m only going to boring old New York with my boring old brother, and she’s going to someplace new and fun. No fair!” I expect what’s driving that is that her plans make you feel left out. Unwanted. Unimportant. Maybe even a little jealous.

35

I realize you’re new, Sentrix, but comments like these (risque jokes in non-sexual threads) should be avoided here. Please don’t make comments like this in the future.

36

I really dont mind that she wants to go to NoLA, I only mention that because If my brother and I were going somewhere “new” she would totally feel burned.

37

I know her friends quite well, to be honest. They are likeable and I get along with their husbands well also, very well in fact.

Regarding the paying attention, I like to think I’m quite attentive to my wife and her needs/wants/desires. I dont eliminate her from activities and actually try to build things into our days that are sensitive to what she wants to do. I’m not trying to alienate her from anything and dont buy the whole im my own man, youre your own woman" bit.

If that helps.

38

Who normally makes dinner in your house? Was she perhaps trying to hint that if you had been off all day, maybe you could have made dinner? I know in my relationship if one person has the day off, they don’t expect the other person to come home and cook for them.

39

Maybe you could propose a trip just the two of you to New Orleans or somewhere else fun sometime before your NYC weekend and then convince her to do something more low key that weekend.

40

I can tell you from experience that this does not work. All it does is make the “bad” behavior seem normal in the relationship. It’s better to model “good” behavior (i.e. the kind of behavior you want the other person to follow).
Roddy