shes pescetarian so I usually end up cooking my own meals that include meat…which includes all of them…lol…
and I agree, turning the tables will only make things worse…thats why I try to be supportive in things she wants to do, like when I said " great have a blast" not literally but really make an effort to be supportive in whatever she does.
Right, but I get the sense that she doesn’t want to “go out and enjoy and do fun stuff”; she wants to do that with you. I’m sure that, from your perspective, you do indeed do plenty of things together, but it sounds to me like she might not agree with that assessment. Or at very least, as CrazyCatLady said, she doesn’t feel wanted/valued/important. In any case, I think when you encourage her to go and enjoy herself, she hears it as “Leave me alone.” You need to talk about it with her, and ask her what she wants and feels. If she says she feels lonely and undervalued and you counter, “But honey, we spend all kinds of time together!” then you’re basically saying, “You’re wrong to feel this way.” Instead, ask “What can I do to help?” Now, it may be that her expectations about how much time you should be spending together, or how you can make her feel wanted/valued/important, are totally unreasonable to you. But that doesn’t make them unreasonable in an absolute sense. It just comes down to balancing your needs and communicating with each other.
But why can’t she still have the guy friends, then?
Right, I totally get that, and it’s really sweet. But perhaps she would prefer for you to massage her. Maybe you think you wouldn’t do a very good job, but perhaps that’s not really the point. Massage isn’t just pain relief; it can be incredibly intimate, affectionate, and personal, even when it’s not sensual in any way. So while you’re saying, “I know you hurt, and I can’t fix it, so I’ll send you to someone who can,” she might well be hearing, “I’d rather pay someone else to give you physical affection and comfort than have to do it myself.”
But again, please take all my rectally extracted advice with a grain of salt. Just talk to her, and - *especially *since she’s had a troubled upbringing - try counseling.
she cant have guy friends because she has admittedly “hooked up” with 90% of her guy friends up until me… So I told her , if you want to reengage your old guy friends, you need to re-establish boundaries with them…she hasnt… :smack:
i do massage her, as often as she wishes…without any questions asked.
I know you feel that you do many things to express your live and caring (and it sounds like you do) she’s just not hearing it, not because she’s like, irrational or whatever but it seems you are speaking different “love languages” and hers is planned time together.
Even though it’s basically kind of cheesy I recommend the book “the five love languages” I think you will see theres actually a pattern there. She’s ignoring some of your inputs, and looking for others that aren’t there. It’s not that you’re a jerk, you sound like you are doing the things that say “Love” to you, things you might also be wishing you got more of from her.
thx for the recommendation
Spank him.
lol
And after that, you must hear audio of a saxophone.
Massive amounts of immaturity, insecurity and jealousy. Writ large all over her personality.
At some point, you’re just going to have to talk to each other. Tell her that when she does this, it makes you feel like she’s competing with you, or competing with the other parts of your life. Ask her what she really wants, so that you two can figure out a way to make it happen that isn’t as stressful. It will help to get your feelings out in the open.
so we’ve been talking today about my brother coming and she tells me this:
“it just seems like you 2 would be in your own world…I’m def NOT part of that world”
i dont want to maker her feel left out or alienated …as i mentioned before how sometimes she feels a certain way because of the relationship he and I have, which she doesnt have wh anyone (being an only child) same thing happens when she sees how my mother and I are…she has a very unique relationship with her mom and kind of resents me for my relationship with my mother =\
Aren’t you guys married? Don’t you guys go out to dinner regularly? Don’t you want to go out to dinner with your wife? I guess I’m missing why this is a big deal.
And the same with the vacation. I’d be fine if my partner went on a fun trip without me, but if we’ve got the money, I’d totally want to do something, too. Why not? You get a boys weekend, she gets a girls weekend (or a weekend to herself) somewhere she enjoys. What’s wrong with that? You want to go to New Orleans? Then tell her that-- plan a trip where you two go there and the weekend you’re in NYC she can go to the Bahamas.
I contribute 50% (or sometimes more!) financially to my relationships. If we’ve got the money for vacations and shoes and shit for one person, then I don’t see why I shouldn’t be able to go on vacations and buy shoes too if I want to. It’s not immature to make money then want to spend it on fun stuff. That’s the beauty of disposable income, after all.
It sounds like you’re making up really ridiculous excuses to justify the fact that you don’t like your wife very much. Then again, I’m an only child, so don’t listen to me.
^^ youre missing the point…
I dont care that she does that, I just want to understand where " if you do this, then I’m going to do that" behavior comes from?
I am 10000% fine with her spending money, with buying her dinner, with her going on a trip…really…
I don’t get it. Why does she have to butter you up at all? It’s half her money (more than half from what you say), why doesn’t she simply buy it/do it without the whole asking thing? (purchases within reason I mean).
Don’t assume you’re the central figure in this pattern. It may be that your wife has issues with doing things for herself and doesn’t feel comfortable indulging herself without some external signal that it’s okay. And you just happen to be that signal. She wants to buy a new pair of shoes but feels she shouldn’t. So she waits until you buy something and then she can tell herself she now has justification to buy something for herself.
she doesnt have to…thats the point…and its only when she wants something to go her way… its strange
interesting
Are you married to my girlfriend?
She’s an only child (as am I) who has few friends (as do I), most of them are male and she has had relationships with them in the past. She resents it when I spend time with my friends whom I’ve had for over 25 years (two Saturday nights a month - we’re role-players from way back, she has no interest/does not understand/thinks it’s childish, plus two hours online on Thursdays blowing things up) and tries (often succeeding) makes me feel guilty because “I’d rather spend time with them than her”.
I got this same treatment from my ex-wife, btw, for whatever that’s worth… maybe it’s me.
I agree wholeheartedly. From what you say her reactions are, I believe that it’s not that she really truly wants to “me too”, it’s just that she doesn’t know how else to engage you to try and get what she wants. Which (again from how you describe her) is more one and one intense attention.
I agree with Hello Again, that book or others like it to help you figure out what it is she’s REALLY asking, and more importantly, ways for you to do it. I’ll bet dollars to donuts that will help more than anything.
Hmm, I’ve been married for 19 years and I must say my husband and I are pretty tit for tat when it comes to individual outings and expensive purchases.
We have kids so if one goes out that means the other one is home on parent duty. So I go out once a week on Wednesdays dancing with a bunch of friends. He takes it as a given that of course he gets to go out at least once a week with friends. If I were to feel myself bridling at this (which I have) I might remind myself that “Hey, I got to go out”
If he decides we can afford for him to get a new guitar, he figures into that calculation that we can afford for me to get something of approximately equal value.
We are lighthearted and reasonable about this, but either one of us would probably get serious pushback if we attempted to get something for ourselves while denying similar to the other.
So spouses expecting to have basically fair and equal division of time and resources does not sounds strange to me. So that part of “decoding her “me too” behavior” doesn’t seem really hard to understand.
What needs decoding to me is why the whole tone described is more of parent to child than equal partners to each other. Is there a way you play “daddy” to your wife in other parts of the relationship? Do you make the decisions? Do you pay the bills (despite that you both earn the money)?
If that is the case that is the bigger problem…1st step is to put down that role. There may be more steps after that.