jesus man
same here…when i moved in with her, she actually bought me an xbox so I could play online wh my brother and other friend of over 15 years…and now its like her vs them…
Instead of going to NYC with your brother, let’s say you’re going on a business trip. Would she react the same?
If not, then we have established that she is not upset that you’re away; she is upset because you’re having fun.
I have also noticed this with my wife. If I go over to my father’s house to help him fix the roof for a few hours, it’s not a problem. If I go to my buddy’s house to watch a football game, it’s a problem. The only difference? I am not having fun during the former, while I am having fun during the latter. So it’s not my absence that bothers her, but the fact I am having fun.
Then it sounds as if it’s along the lines of what Little Nemo says. And further, it sounds as if it’s not that she DOES the “me too” it’s that she SAYS the “me too”.
Bottom line, like a lot of other folks have said, she’s exhibiting seeking behaviour (she’s somehow not getting her needs met), and the “me too” thing just happens to be the particular outlet it’s taking.
Did no one else notice she wants to go on a trip to an “exotic” location alone, while he is spending time with a brother he hasn’t spent time with in a while. She seems definitely jealous of the sibling relationship, but she wants to go to a resort alone instead of with a girlfriend. I’d worry about that.
lightbulb just went off…yes…I went on 2 business trips in the spring and both trips, she was bent out of shape for one thing or another something always comes up when I travel… i cant recall exactly what it was, but on both occasions something went awry
thank you :eek:
today alone she mentioned, Dominican Republic, Turks and Caicos, Mexico… what gives…oh, and I said I would take the train to NY to cut down on costs…lol silly me
You are not going to win on this one…you have a brother who you have a regular brother relationship with. To her it is something she will never have, there is nothing she can do about it, or that you can do about it (other than acknowledge the difference.) Therefore she feels insecure and also powerless. So, she acts out.
Wanting to take her own trip to somewhere special (that’ll show him!) is really just acting out and trying to reset the power dynamics. It won’t really work, but you can’t tell her that.
Deep down, she probably needs some help (counseling) to get over the insecurity triggers and the acting out. But, that may not ever happen. And, you can’t tip-toe around her all the time, yah?
The best you can do? Don’t act out in return. Try to mitigate the damage when she acts out, understand what is happening so that it doesn’t turn into a bigger issue. Stuff like that…
Also, maybe keep her away from the brother. ‘just sayin’ No telling where the acting out will end up.
Do you think your wife is going to these islands to cheat on you?
Married for 20 here.
Jeezly crow, humans make things so complicated.
TALK. To eachother. Seriously. Do it as many times as you have to until it can happen without accusations, screaming, crying, or threats. Get a counselor/mediator if you have to. Do it once a week over a bottle of wine. Whatever it takes to get you two to be a couple rather than two people who live together who are busy fighting their individual battles without the other fighting alongside.
You know what else? This has little to do with my advice above, because some people just can’t do it, but in my observation over time, people who begin with living their lives financially separate also either begin with or develop a more solitary mindset which I think contributes to problems like this. It’s another obstacle to overcome when trying to have an intimate partnership. I have never known anybody in my personal life whose marriage has survived if that’s the way they roll. Naturally, YMMV, anecdotes != data and all.
Well, it sounds like you are whether you want to or not. It’s easy enough to feel alienated and left out around your SO’s family anyway–they have all this history and all these bonds they share that you have no real part in, and that’s compounded when they have a totally different dynamic than what you grew up with. Add in her fucked up family history, and being around your family is basically a constant reminder of what she never had and never will.
Your special little trip with just your brother (read: she’s not welcome) is probably just rubbing salt in the wound. Not that you guys shouldn’t have a boy’s trip, mind you, but you should be aware of how this sort of thing affects her and be willing to overlook a certain amount of angst and acting out.
Out of curiosity, was this something you discussed with her before you started making arrangements, or did you guys decide between you and then inform her of your plans? Because if it was the second…Oy.
Saturdays are prime nights to have date nights and generally do stuff together. If my husband were spending fully half of them with his buddies doing something I have no part in, especially on top of one other night every week…well, that had better be something we had discussed and come to an agreement on, not something he just unilaterally arranged.
What’s she doing while you’re out having fun? Is she also having fun? Or is she doing the same household stuff she was doing while you were fixing the roof? They’re two totally different dynamics, you know.
Evidently he must. Which is weird. If she wanted to cheat on him, she could do it at Colonial Williamsburg ffs. And he’s going to NYC, which isn’t exactly the Most Celibate Place On Earth.
Absolutely not. With her history, she can do it in our city.
Regarding being around my family, I’m from the west coat. I have no family here.
Emphasis mine.
Annnnnnnnnd we get to the real issue.
? She doesn’t have to go all the way to the Caribbean to cheat on me.
It sounds like it’s about something else other than just you going to NYC. Are there unpleasant tasks she’s usually stuck with? Perhaps your being out of town will make those tasks even more unpleasant.
To be truthful, I have this mentality occasionally. It’s usually when I’ve spent significant amounts of time alone with our kids. No, they’re not “unpleasant tasks,” but you can bet that if I’ve spent several days by myself with them with my daughter in tantrum mode, all while I have to get myself to and from work (along with the kids to and from school) as well as the dozens of other tasks that come with managing a household, I sure the heck get a “me, too” attitude. This is especially true if I’m doing all this crap and my husband comes home then immediately starts playing video games or watching TV in the next room while I’m performing childcare tasks while simultaneously feeding kids after a long day at work.
All that said, is it possible that she’s picking up more slack at home or at work than you realized and just maybe feeling unappreciated? It doesn’t sound like you have kids, but everyone has crap that has to be done around the house.
“With her history” is a pretty loaded statement there, buddy.
No I don’t travel much. Maybe 2x/year. Household chores are pretty well split 50/50.
I cook my own dinners (she doesn’t eat/cook red meat), I make my own lunches (usually she prefers buying lunch everyday)
Lol. Well it’s true and believe me, I’m not stupid enough to throw it in her face. That’s just plain disrespectful. Everyone has a past
Counseling. Therapy. Stat.
THIS
She wants to go on vacation and the occasional date. These are not unreasonable desires. Usually couples figure out their vacation plans collaboratively, but if you’ve made a unilateral decision, it’s not at all odd for her to want to figure out something fun to do with her part of the vacation budget.
I agree that counseling is probably needed here. You seem to show contempt for your wife, which is surest sway to poison a relationship.