Believe me, we go on plenty of dates. And I still open doors and all that stuff. All without asking for anything in return. We also go on plenty of trips. As much as we can reasonably afford.
I think counseling is best case. We’ve had our issues and we haven’t even completed a year of marriage. I guess its all uphill from here
Contempt is a terrible thing to say. I certainly don’t feel that way. I’m just trying to figure out why she acts this way and try to understand so both her and I can be happy.
perhaps she sees you as a father figure hence my earlier comment, most important is to discuss things with her and try to curb the behaviour.
she needs you to be in charge and set boundaries so maybe a little ‘put your foot down’ approach would work. tell her she is being immature and that her thinking/behaviour is plain silly.
failing that go to conselling, there may be some other deep rooted problem which us cyber psychiatrists are not equipped to solve.
all the best.
Just be honest with her, next time she does this, as in; “I love that idea, you should definitely go! But hey, do me a favour and drop all the tit for tat talk. We’re not dividing up a pirate treasure here, after all. This is a marriage, maybe less score keeping would be good? I’m fine with you doing these things but could you maybe frame it a little differently. I’d really appreciate it if you could!”
Just a suggestion. If you can get her to stop talking this way, maybe she’ll stop thinking this way too!
I dote (do chores as needed, make dinner a few nights a week, watch our shows, do laundry on Sunday etc.) on the Missus when I’m not at work, sleeping, or engaged with my friends. I even go to the store most of the time, and will accompany her on her “retail therapy” trips to the mall and whatnot. So, how much time is she losing to my friends of 25 years…?
Figure 30 days per month (avg) with 4 Thursdays per month at 2 hours/Thursday = 8 hours. Two Saturdays a month at around 7 hours (including transit time) = 14 hours. So, 22 hours a month with my friends. Wowee, that’s a lot.
20 weekdays * 24 hrs = 480 weekday hrs/month total. Subtract 17 per day (8 sleeping, 9 at work) = 140 weekday hours I’m not sleeping or working. Add 64 (4 non-gaming weekends) and 18 (2 gaming Saturdays) and 32 (two non-gaming Sundays) - that’s 254, give or take (math isn’t my strong point).
So, 254 hours NOT with the guys, 22 hours with the guys (and I’m not really “with” them on Thursdays, I’m maybe 25 feet away and subject to interruption at a moment’s notice).
So… around 8% of my free time per month is not available to her. That’s a problem?
2 non gaming weekends, not 4 sorry.
The fact that she can’t comprehend you needing private time with your BROTHER is just bizarre and she definitely needs to be in some sort of counseling STAT, that is not logical, emotionally healthy behavior. If my significant other wanted to spend a weekend with a sibling, since I have a relatively healthy relationship with her, I’d say “Great, have fun” and plan a weekend to myself, most likely playing videogames and reading. The natural adult response to some siblings spending time together who don’t often, is NOT jealousy.
She doesn’t have friends which is a HUGE red flag. It sounds like you’re her only life. Some people like that kind of relationship but I would feel smothered.
This was an excellent point.
I noticed this too. Good point.
Well, I’m kind of thinking along these lines. The “Not fair” may have been in a jocular mood. My ex-gf was like that. Hard to say, since I didn’t catch on to it for a long time, so, I blamed sure can’t tell in your case. However, it is a possibility.
I can’t see that having any outcome other than escalating into an argument, given that emotions will already be running high.
I agree the OP needs to have a talk to his wife about this, but ‘when it’s happening’ is not the right time to do it. Find a time when you’re both feeling calm and relaxed and approach it more of a ‘Hey, there’s been something on my mind for a while, can I talk to you about it?’ and then approach it in a ‘I’ve noticed that you seem unhappy with me when I want to spend time with my brother. Can you help me understand why that is?’
No, you’re just throwing it behind her back, which is super respectful.
If that’s how you think about her, there’s no way it doesn’t manifest in some way in your attitude toward her.
Uh. Doing housework and making a few dinners is not “doting”. It’s a basic household responsibility. Nor is shopping for things you need- even if they are fun" things like furnishings or work clothes. You don’t get to tick that as a “things I do for my wife” box.
Are you counting your chore time as “together” time and saving your actual fun energy with you buds? I’ve known guys to do that- they’ll argue that it’s cool to hang out with buddies both Friday and Saturday night because we “had so much time together” grocery shopping, visiting his parents, and paying bills. This is double obnoxious if a lot of that time is when you are tired, stressed out or otherwise grumpy, and then you save all your good. upbeat, fun-loving energy for going out solo.
This doesn’t sound like he’s trying to “control” her.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting your spouse to not do things which irritate the crap out of you. How you make this known to them, is the critical part. Spanking their hand and saying “Don’t do that” is wrong. But allowing it to continue, in my opinion, is also wrong.
Don’t let something go to the point where it fosters resentment. Bring it up now, in a polite way. If you can’t be open about your feelings regarding the actions of your spouse, then exit the relationship. Any fool who says otherwise isn’t being very observant about their own relationships.
Ok, I didn’t know if I should post here or not, because I have been that woman. Well, not jl’s wife, but similar.
In my twenties I was indeed very insecure, and needy. I was an only child, and I have mentioned here my upbringing wasn’t exactly a bed of roses.
So my SO’s brother got married and had his bachelor party in Vegas. At that time money was super tight, and we scrimped and saved so my SO could go to Vegas.
There was no doubt I was jealous. I had never been to Vegas, and as it currently stood, there was no way I was going to be able to go - we were pretty poor.
Here he was, off to have a week of fun with his brother and all his friends and I was expected to sit home and go to work and not do anything fun. I couldn’t even afford anything fun.
You bet your ass I would have loved to go somewhere by myself!
But the thing is, I did get over it, and I’m not needy and not insecure anymore. I know he loves me, and he’s not going off on his trips to get away from me. Sure, he has fun on these trips - why wouldn’t I want him to? But he definitely prefers to go with me whenever possible.
But he made that point very clear to me over the last 17 years…that his number one choice for traveling companion is always me. He reassured me, and sure, I needed a little extra, but I tell you this: I sent him off to Vegas with a smile and even as immature as I was, I hid my disappointment as much as I was able.
She may grow out of it - I don’t know how old you are. She may never. But it might help to remind her how much you love her - I’m assuming you do.
If you really want to know why she’s acting a certain way…TALK TO HER.
TALK TO HER!
100% most important part of a relationship. Talking. If either of you balk at that, your relationship is going to go down the gutter. I should’ve figured it out when the thread title said “decode”. You two are not speaking to each other plainly. In a good relationship there’s no special decoding to be done because the two (or more) people speak their mind when they have a problem.
So talk already!
And when you talk, the best way to approach it is to say what you’re really feeling and ask what she is really feeling. That brings both of your motivations to light for the other to consider and react to. Don’t just say “do this” or “don’t do that,” because ultimately, you can’t control what she does.
Oh please. The only reason he mentioned it because some posters have decided to try and make this into some huge scandal with the OP’s wife trying to cheat on him, which he doesn’t even think is an issue.
Dude, married just for disclosure.
Annnnnnnnd why is what she is suggesting a problem? Shit I’d rather go on vacation with my wife than anyone else, ditto for dinner. Shit is there some reason she can’t go along? Maybe she wants to spend more time with you, what is the problem?
Um, no, fact of the matter is that I do most of the chores around the house, freeing her up for - whatever she wants to do. I do it gladly, by the way, not grudgingly. I suppose since we don’t do them “together” then they don’t count as “free time”, so strike another 10 hours off the week. Still, there’ a huge percentage of time available together when nothing else needs to be done. And we do spend a lot of time together watching TV, talking (we had a good two-hour conversation last night in fact) - there’s no lack of contact, togetherness, or communication, which makes the friction re: time with my friends less understandable. It’s not like I’m ignoring her 24/7, far from it.
I’d rather go on vacation with my wife more than anyone else, too, but that doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t be able to have a weekend just hanging out with his brother. Maybe they want to do a bunch of stuff that his wife doesn’t like? The OP also said that she doesn’t like NYC, so why would she even want to go? Answer: she doesn’t. What she wants is for him not to go.
What’s the problem, you ask? The problem is that this is a new marriage and that tends to come with some bumps in the road as couples figure out what works for them. The OP’s wife doesn’t like it when he does things without her. That’s fine, and every couple needs to balance their together/not together time. But the OP’s problem, well there are actually kind of two: Problem 1 is the wife’s unrealistic expectation that the OP not spend time away from her at all (or at least fun time). They need to talk about that and agree that from time to time they may have to (or even want to) do something without the other. Problem 2 is her negative reaction. A reasonable reaction to the OP’s plan would be to simply state that hey, maybe I’ll do something that weekend, too, and then make somewhat equivalent plans. Instead, the OP’s wife responds in a way designed to goad a similar negative reaction from him and plans a bigger, up the ante type trip. Not healthy.
That said, it sounds like the OP’s wife feels like a bit of an outsider with OP and his bro. If the OP’s wife hasn’t spent much time with bro, and now he makes a special trip across the country and they’re ditching her to spend time together, I can understand her feeling hurt, or not important enough to bring into their fold. It would be nice if bro was able to spend a couple nights hanging out with OP and wife all together so they have a chance to develop that in-law relationship.
The trickiest (and possibly most important) part about talking to her is avoiding putting her on the defensive. Most people don’t react well to criticism, even when it’s given in the context of really uncritical love. I wish I knew a formula for turning an issue into a fruitful discussion, but I sure don’t. In any case, to get anywhere, you have to somehow engage her willingness to change, and that is no easy thing.
But before trying to engage someone else’s willingness to change, you need to be prepared to engage your own. Sometimes that’s the clue to solving the issue above. So, rather than, “You need to stop doing X,” one can shift it to, “How can I stop making you do X?” That can lead to something like, “Well, it bugs me when it happens.”
I have no degree in internet psychology, but I’m confident that as hard as it is to change one’s own behavior, it’s a lot easier than changing someone else’s. The first step to changing anything is to take responsibility for it (which doesn’t mean “accepting blame”, it just means that it’s your problem to solve, not one you can hand off to someone else.)
Good luck! I had a similar issue; my wife (and her whole family of 11, as it turned out) was ungracious at accepting an apology. Rather than responding positively, her response was to reiterate whatever grievance and why she deserved an apology, without quite realizing that (a) the apology already implies that, and (b ) it discourages future apologies. Over the years, she’s corrected that and it’s no longer an issue. Of course, that’s a short list compared to all my faults that she’s helped me correct! 