Am I totally nuts? Or is my GF totally self-centered?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I missed the part where you attempted two-way communication. You know, where you talk and she listens, then she talks and you listen. Did you try that?

'Cause I think it might help tremendously.

Sounds like someone didn’t communicate. “Oh, but I did put in three phone calls and none of those companies could show up before Thursday, so that would be fine, but I have something else to do on Thursday. Can you be here? No? I guess we’ll have to reschedule then. Can you give me the number?”

What’s so hard about telling someone when they’re being a jerk, as opposed to coming here and whining about it?

22

Out of curiosity, did you do a lot of this last-minute stuff during the day, while she’s at work? If so, I could see how she might not realize how much work was involved. I seriously doubt Dr.J has any idea how much time I spend cleaning the house every week. Hell, a lot of time I don’t realize how time-consuming it’s going to be until I get started, and I’m the one that does it. Even if this was the case, though, and she thought you really hadn’t done all that much, I simply can’t imagine not thanking you for the work you had done. Even a little bit of work is that much less work she has to do for the party she wanted to throw and ought to be appreciated.

This, I think, is a bigger issue than any of the others you’ve outlined. Appreciating one another, and making that appreciation known, is a big honkin’ chunk of a successful relationship. Relationships where one feels one’s contributions are ignored breed unhappiness, anger, and resentment. Nothing kills love faster than festering resentment. Nothing. So it worries me that you guys don’t seem to appreciate each other’s contributions. Yes, I included you in that comment. Why? Well, because you don’t seem to appreciate the things she has done. In your OP, you say she did nothing but prepare one course and hog all the credit for the party. In later posts, you say she did the bulk of the shopping, the menu planning, etc. You don’t seem to appreciate her contributions any more than she does yours.

In that light, I have to wonder if she felt that your relative contributions balanced out. She did the major planning, the bulk of the shopping, part of the cooking and apparently most of the hostessing. You did the bulk of the cleaning, the last-minute shopping, and part of the cooking. Given the extent of the cleaning, this seems to still be a bit lopsided, but it’s not exactly her sitting on her ass and eating bonbons while you slave in the salt mines for her entertainment, as your OP would imply.

I also have to wonder if there are, ahem, other tensions creeping into this issue. All that money and living arrangement stuff, the stuff about her leaving her other relationship…I’m not sure what all that has to do with the issue at hand, so I’m left wondering why all that was included in the OP. I would have to ask myself if this is really, honestly, all about the lack of appreciation, or if there’s something deeper going on.

23

Of course there are other issues - we don’t live in a vacuum. My problem is that i can’t seem to figure out for myself which ones are just my reaction to the other stresses in my life, and which are bonafide issues with each other. Sure, she does things that annoy me, and I am sure it is quite equal. The good times are really really good, and the bad times are just uncomfortable not terrible.

As for the money, I really don’t care. It’s not much more left, about 2 grand or so US, and to be honest it’s not an issue for me. I just want to clear the air, so we can move forward on an equal basis. I think that’s the only way we can be.

So there 'tis. We’re gonna have the chat, and soon. We’re not going to stop until I manage in my own little ham-handed way to talk about what’s bothering me and why, and to ask her what we can do about it. I am going to try my damndest to be honest and open and non-emotional, but I am going to get my piece said,

Wish me luck, and happy new year everyone!

24

Wow. You guys have only been together since April, and in that time you’ve sailed the Channel, spent 2 weeks in Croatia, another week ‘bumming around England’, had long weekends in Prague and other places, had multi-day parties with ‘illegal and immoral things going on’…

Maybe you guys just need to slow down and get to know each other. Or is this the way people spend their time in Europe?

25

Yeah, man, wow. I’ve had friends who were difficult to get out of parties, but I’ve never had friends who stayed for days longer than we had scheduled. Evidently I’m a boring person living in the wrong part of the world or something.

26

(Bolding mine)

Dude! You guys can seriously party! Please include me on your next invite list.

I’d like to offer some advice but this kind of thing is pretty much par for the women I date. I will say this though. You need to stand your ground with her and not let her walk all over you. And when I say stand your ground with her I don’t mean get all whiney and say stuff like “Honey, we need to talk” but rather more like "listen bitch, that was some fucked up shit you pulled the other day…blah,blah,blah…)

And yes I know I’m probably going to get flamed for that last little remark. But hey, say what you will. In my experience it’s what’s worked best. shrugs

27

Please name the planets (in alphabetical order) on which speaking to another human being like that has actually worked in your favor.

Just kidding. Tragically, I think you might be serious about it working for you, but that’s still no reason, no reason at all, to recklessly hand out such horrible advice.

In short: Any signficant other who initiated anything with “listen bitch” wouldn’t have to worry about resolving any issues we might have because his ass would be kicked to the curb. Bitch. :stuck_out_tongue:

28

So we had the chat. I think a significant portion of my anger and frustration was actually another issue, and we did talk about my frustrations with some of the things she does. She talked about some of my own annoying habits and such, all openly and honestly, and without too much passion and with a lot of hugs and stuff.

She has also paid back the last of the money she owed me :slight_smile:

I think we’re gonna be OK…

Thanks all for your support.

29

I’m glad to hear you’re managing to sort things out. :slight_smile:

30

Good for you Gomiboy.

If you’re anything like me, you have to get upset about something pretty stupid, before you can acknowledge the thing that is actually upsetting you. Seems like you’ve worked out what the real issues are, and are setting about sorting them out.

Good luck, and I hope it works out for you both.