So the gf and I are having problems.

In My Humble Opinion
1

We started dating January 31, 2013. Mostly things have been very good. We enjoy the same odd things. We’ve talked about marriage, which would require me to sell my house and a car (I have two, so with her car in a two-car garage…) and I know she’s serious. We’ve met each other’s families and there are no problems there. We’re both 50 something. IDK, there’s a lot of “meeting of the minds,” like we can finish each other’s sentences, and I hope it could work.

What we’ve noticed though, over the past year, is that I seem to be a lot more sensitive than she. We’ve agreed, on past issues, that I’m probably too sensitive and she’s not sensitive enough. I figure it’s a good sign that each of us can own mistakes, shortcomings, etc.

But tonight, we went to an event with some of her (subordinate) co-workers. I’ve met them, but only once or maybe twice—I can’t name a one of them but I might kind of know they’re in her life if I saw them. Gf opened the discussion with something that happened over the holidays.

She had wanted me to video chat with some of her family Christmas Eve, which is fine. She chose a place near the fire place because she sometimes hovers there…she’s often cold. Okay, no problem. However, we were jockeying to get in the phone’s camera’s angle of view and she had lit many candles on the hearth, so while I was mindful of the fireplace, my shirt tail must have landed near one of the candles and yes, my knit shirt caught on fire. I mean, I expected heat from the fireplace so I didn’t react immediately. At some point though that burning smell just wasn’t right, you know?:eek:

Tonight, her spin on it was that it was hilarious. OK, there were no blisters—I smelled something burning, quickly pulled off my shirt, and no physical harm was done to me. But it did leave a hole about the size of a CD in the shirt so I’m glad I didn’t wait any longer. And yet, don’t you wonder how flammable the shirt on your back might be, how close you were to skin grafts?

So again, while we’re at tonight’s event among people she’s comfortable with (but whom I barely know), she brings this up as this “hilarious” episode that needs to be recounted. Among these people, walking into the venue, I felt like I just wanted to fit in, but already my stupidity (?) was highlighted via this tale. I went through the evening (a non-interactive sort of event) ok, but once we got in the car, I told her that I’d felt pretty stupid. I added that maybe it’s my fault (for being too sensitive at times). Then I asked where we could get some beer. She apologized—a bare “I’m sorry,” nothing more, though I think it was honest.

I got out of the car, got the beer, returned to the car. Total silence on the way to her house. I wasn’t trying to give her the cold shoulder, but she wasn’t expounding, either.

Back at her place I stepped out for a cigarette, then heard cupboards slamming as well as some epithets, as she returned items we’d taken to the event to their places. Garage door slammed. I went to a neutral sort of zone at her place but she came and found me, told me that I should go home. I know you will want the quote…I think it was, “I’ll never invite you to an event like that again. (Expletiveexpletiveexpletive )The way I’m feeling, I think you should go home. I’m tired of walking on eggshells!”

So I obliged her. I did say something to the effect, “If you want me to leave, I will. If you want to talk, I will.” But the expletives were flowing, so I took that as my sign.

What leaps out at you? I’m sorry to mention Barbara DeAngelis but IIRC she said that before you marry you should keep your eyes wide open and when you’re married, you should close them half way. Gf and I are somewhere between 100% and 50% then, I guess.

Should I have “outed” her in front of her subordinates? “Hey, you’re making me feel pretty fucking special here!”?

2

Should you have outed her? Probably not. There’s no upside for you. But you should distance yourself.

And you didn’t explicitly ask, but I suspect you are wondering about the next question, so I’ll answer it: Don’t even THINK about getting married to this person. I’m not saying she’s a bad human being, but clearly you don’t have the kind of relationship that is required for a lifetime commitment.

3

Thanks for the reply, Tim. IDK I can be a pain. My reservation isn’t that either of us is a bad person but rather, that compatibility may be the problem. I really didn’t like being “dismissed” tonight. I think she needs to come here tomorrow if she’s willing.

4

I think using the fire story for laughs was uncool. But if that wasn’t the kind of thing she always does and, just this once, she happened to think that was a good idea, then I can see you letting it slide.

The expletive-larded tirade, however, strikes me as…

  1. Completely out of proportion to what you did, even if one grants that what you did was wrong, which I do not.

  2. Simply not the way you treat someone in a relationship, even if they are wrong. I mean, maybe if you’d cheated on her or done something truly major where she had an excuse to lose her wits.

  3. Just the sign, to me, of someone with crude manners, etc.

I dunno, man. It just doesn’t sound good.

5

I appreciate the reply, Aeschines. Yeah, we all make those ill-advised jokes from time to time, don’t we? We do go over the line from time to time but when called on it… No, I hadn’t cheated on her (or anything major as you allude to as a possibility).

Overall I think she has overlooked some things in me, like I smoke and she gave it up. I think there’s a give and take, especially at our age—things I’ve overlooked about her. So I don’t mean to dismiss important issues, gloss over things that should be examined more closely—just wondering where the balance is.

6

You have a very fundamental problem.

If you had told her that the story made you uncomfortable somewhere during her repeated recitations to her buddies and asked her to just put it on the back burner and she still told it that would be one thing, but in this scenario you kept your mouth shut passively and then sprang it on her that she embarrassed you after the fact. She has nowhere to go at that point other than to feel like she made you out to be a fool and betrayed you. I can understand her extreme frustration with you even if she was the one telling the story.

But it’s not all you in this scenario, if you are dating a touchy, sensitive person you should have enough sense not to make them the foil in stories. The problem here is that she doesn’t respect that, but the larger problem is that she should not be dating someone like you. Being with a very sensitive person is like walking on eggshells and is very annoying over time. A person (IMO) should be able to tell their buds about some nonsense their SO got up to in good humor without the SO losing their shit about it. Honestly it’s actually kind of a bonding experience if the humor isn’t cruel. If this cannot happen due to sensitivities eventually the relationship becomes an injustice collecting blame game and self destructs.

7

I wasn’t saying I thought that was a possibility; I was saying I wouldn’t expect my gf to behave that way unless I really gave her a reason to lose control.

Yep, it’s all about getting the best deal with what you got. If you think on the whole you’re getting a pretty good deal, then you should probably fine-tune the knobs to make the situation viable, as it does not seem she has the control needed to make those changes.

8

The “I’m on fire” episode happened only Tuesday, 11/24, so it isn’t old enough for repeated tellings.

I’m not sure I understand this comment:

“She has nowhere to go at that point other than to feel like she made you out to be a fool and betrayed you. I can understand her extreme frustration with you even if she was the one telling the story.”

I think you may have the roles reversed. She’s not the very sensitive person—I am. I may be reading the wrong thing into the rest of the comments, but … Hey I figure she may tell others what dumb shit I did, but not in front of my face or at the onset of an event. I mean, she does want me to be accepted, doesn’t she?

9

Understood, didn’t mean to imply otherwise. No, nothing major afoot here.

Maybe we both want it to be. That’s not to say that with work, it can’t be. She said that she’d never invite me to such an event again…the irony, honestly, is that I’d already thought I’d be ok with never going to one again, either. I mean, if you can identify stressors and avoid them, why not do so?

10

I get you are the sensitive one.

Let me see if I can explain with a fictional hypothetical so you understand her perspective.

“My girlfriend wanted for us to have a romantic dip in the backyard hot tub late at night so she lit some candles. One of the candles got too close to a towel and set it on fire. We got out of the hot tub to beat the towel out but while she was naked and doing this some kids from next came to watch her watch her jump around screaming while naked etc. etc.” - add more slapstick as needed.

If I had a woman i had been dating for a year and was relaxing with friends and her in a bar and told this humorous story, and she told me after the fact in the car I had utterly humiliated her I would (1) feel terrible, (2) wonder why she had said nothing at all during the tale telling (3) wonder if her sense of humor was a utterly lacking. If she continued to mope passive aggressively (as you did) after I said “sorry” obviously expecting much a larger production I might get PO’d through frustration and tell her we needed to call it a night.

There’s nothing wrong with being sensitive about being the foil of jokes, but (to be frank) for most men it’s part of being a man’s man to be somewhat self deprecating and being willing to tell tales on yourself and have them told on you. There are fewer things more endearing and bonding than someone willing to take a self deprecating hit. Men who have trouble with this are going to have real trouble with a woman who likes to bond with these kind of stories. It’s obvious that being the butt of jokes gets your back up and your throwing in “Hey, I could have been burned” makes you sound … well… not like a man’s man.

There’s nothing wrong in being sensitive but it does not sound like she and you are compatible on this issue.

11

I’m not really qualified to comment on relationships – (If I’d not been lucky enough to meet Mrs. Septimus I might be a bitter old bachelor) – but I think you’ve gotten bad advice upthread.

I am also hyper-sensitive and don’t like being the butt of jokes. But get used to it! Even Mrs. Septimus makes fun of me in public sometimes (and gets furious if I do it to her), but that’s just part of life. Candor is generally good among friends, or making friends. Having your shirt catch on fire doesn’t particularly make you look bad. It’s just kind of … funny!

If something like that bothers you, I’m not surprised your GF is “tired of walking on eggshells.” To judge whether she went overboard in this case, I’d need to know how scolding you were. In 21 years of marriage, I’ve infuriated my wife several times. She usually gets over it quickly; I hope you’re so lucky.

Anyway, at your ages, neither of you is going to change much. Figure out yourself whether you want to work and change a little.

12

Sounds to me like a compatibly issue. Frankly, that level of sensitivity would be a deal-breaker for me in a relationship, and I find being iced-out in an event to be extremely frustrating. Some people need partners that can roll with the punches.

13

Just to add a little perspective, OP (and I’m not criticizing), I don’t think the story that was told at the party was meant to mock you or make you look like an idiot. It just sounds like a genuinely funny story. Someone’s shirt catching on fire while they are on a webcam chat? That’s a great story and could be an awesome icebreaker for you at a party like this where you didn’t know most of the guests.

Again I’m not criticizing or addressing any relationship issues, just pointing out an observation.

14

For what it’s worth, that candle story is exactly the kind of funny story that couples tell on one another. Had it happened to me, I’d already have my version of it to tell people and if my wife told that story about me, I don’t think I’d mind.

15

I’m getting this:

Plus this:

I don’t think such a story is humiliating you. Can you try to think of it in this way:

She was taking her boyfriend to meet her friends for the first(-ish) time, and was really hoping they would all like the boyfriend. She told an endearing story of the two of them together, in which he caught fire, danced around but wasn’t hurt. It’s funny because the romantic nature of the fire and candles, plus the serious nature of talking to family, contrasts with the events of catching fire and dancing around to put it out.

She tells this story to give the boyfriend an opening with the friends. They laugh with you both, get a picture of what you are like as a couple. You’ll have some beers, they’ll remember the first time they went to meet their inlaws and the dog peed on them etc. (If they told that story, would you think they were idiots?!)

But the boyfriend freezes up. He isn’t being amicable and laughing about the story. He’s not coming across to the friends in the way she knows him, but she had been wanting to show him off. They’ll leave saying: “So, he’s a bit frosty, isn’t he? I wonder what she sees in him…”, which is upsetting to her.

Then in the car it comes out. She’s pretty annoyed at her boyfriend misinterpreting her banter and then demanding an apology, and then not even being satisfied with the apology. He’s now ruined a perfectly fun night, was somewhat rude to her friends and a bit disappointing in the humour department.

It might not be accurate, but I can imagine that’s what it seemed like to her. I don’t think you need to take this in the dramatically incompatible way that others see it. I think you mainly need to lighten up and relax a little. If you think she’s out to get you and to make fun of you then it’s not going to work. Why not have a little faith that she wasn’t being mean but rather that it was genuinely funny?

Dude, you were on fire while webcamming and you didn’t get hurt! That’s funny! You told it here and I found it funny-in-a-nice-way, I didn’t think you were stupid. I do think your reaction is lame, so I understand her frustration.

16

You overreacted. She apologized, but not enough for you, even though you say you think it was sincere. Did you want her to grovel? Turn back time and untell the joke?

The freeze-out is what made her ask you to go home. I wouldn’t tolerate it either. It’s not that you two have different sensitivities. You want to punish and withhold from the relationship. And I have to assume you do it a lot for her to feel she is “walking on eggshells.” Your PA behavior must be hell to live with.

17

I don’t get it, based on what he said, how did he overreact? It doesn’t sound like he was making a big deal of it at all.

18

Self immolation can have a funny side. You shoulda gone with it and asked her friends to call you Thich Quang Duc.

19

Totally agree with this. You caught on fire, ferchrissakes. Of course it’s going to become a funny story. My wife would have told it multiple times, and I would have laughed right along side of her.

My guess is that she’s slamming doors and getting upset because this is the umpteenth time you’ve gotten upset with her about something like this. She got in the car after what she thought was a fun evening and had it ruined in 10 seconds flat.

20

When you are the “insensitive” one in the couple, it becomes tiring always being made out to be the bad guy. I tried to be friends with a very sensitive guy, and it became impossible after awhile. Because I have a sense of humor. Not a mean one. Not a sarcastic one. Just a sense of one. After the third weepy confrontation from him, I threw up my hands and stopped being around him so much.

He was a nice guy, don’t get me wrong. Nothing “unmanly” about him, despite astro’s assertion otherwise. It’s just that I didn’t like being the bad guy all the freakin’ time.* Apologies stop making sense when they happen too frequently.

But your feelings should be respected. Your feelings aren’t wrong. They are just tuned differently than hers. So you shouldn’t haven’t to repress them if you don’t want to. There are more sensitive fish in the sea.

*Your girlfriend was probably in a jolly good mood after the party. Your confessional no doubt took away the merriment of the moment for her. Which is another reason she probably went crazy on you. It was over-the-top, but I can understand why she did that. It probably would have been wiser to bring it up the day after, unless your embarrassment was so horrible it couldn’t have waited.