Wake me when we're shocking

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Friend Who I Went Out With Saturday Night,

When is this all going to end? Seriously. I mean, we’re 28 years old. We’re working in offices for the love of christ…we’re married, happy people, paying bills, taking care of pets…

Must you insist on living your life on some fabricated ragged edge of Bret Easton Ellis-ian proportion, simply to be controversial? And further, must you always drag me into it?

Why must you grab me in a bar and ram your tongue down my throat because “girls kissing girls is taboo”. Or why do you insist that we only go to gay bars becasue “that would be so controversial”.

We understand that you’re ‘open minded’

Why must you scream up and down how you “hate the Bible”. It makes no sense, and you never have anything to back it up with. Your claim that the Bible was written by the “white majority” is…just…dumb!

We already know that you’re an athiest.

Why must you go out and get as drunk as you possibly can and then brag about how hung over you are?

We understand you are a party animal.

Why must you ask everyone if you look “slutty” enough or if your “twat” is showing? Why do you tell everyone to look at my tits because YOU’RE in love with them?

We understand that you can swear and that you’re open with your sexuality.

Why must you go out and get the exact same haircut as Madonna or wear the same t-shirt as Madonna and boldly claim she is your savior?

We understand that you’re a fan.

I’m so tired of it. I like you very much, and you’re my very good friend. But this is so unnecessary. You always ask me why people like me, or why I’m popular with our friend group… You wanna know why? I left my ‘shocking’ phase behind when I left college, and found comfort in being myself, no matter how boring that is.

a few tips:

  1. I don’t exploit gay people for my own personal statements.
  2. I don’t argue religion by calling other people ‘retarded assholes’
  3. I don’t take pride in the fact that I was throwing up on Sunday morning.
  4. I use my language creatively, and while I swear more than a drunk whore in labor, I very rarely refer to ‘eating buttholes’ when asked what I want to do Friday night.
  5. I keep my obsessive fanatcism about various issues tucked safely under my hat until the appropriate time to display it.

I’m afraid to introduce you to my parents because “you have to do what you feel” and I know that you’ll say cunt in front of my mom for ‘effect’. I get tired of you asking me if I’ll have lesbian sex with you in front of a big group of guys because you know ‘it gets them hard’. I get tired of you telling me “all republicans are liars”. I get tired of you telling me that my beef based french onion soup has the same chemical components as urine.

I GET TIRED OF YOU NOT BEING HAPPY JUST BEING A SUCCESSFUL, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, AND LEAVING IT AT THAT.

Settle down. be yourself. Because when it’s just you and me, eating lunch or going out shopping, or making Christmas cookies, I see who you really are, and I really really like it.

jarbaby

2

Since “Friend Who I Went Out With Saturday Night” couldn’t possibly be an SDMB username (too many characters), I’ll assume that the person you’ve directed this post at isn’t a poster. Since that person isn’t a poster, I’ll assume she won’t see this post. Since she won’t see this post, I think we can all assume that you won’t get your point across this way.

Fabulous post, though. I absolutely hate it when friends of mine “wear costumes” when we go out. They can be totally cool when it’s just us, or a really small group of people, but when there are a lot of people, or new people ('specially cute <insert gender here> around), they feel they have to prove something. So they put on their “costume”. It’s either an intellectual costume, or a slut costume, or a giggly-“I’m like, SOOOO cute!!!”-Hee hee costume. It’s annoying, and it makes me feel bad for the person because they feel like they NEED to do this when they quite obviously don’t. Besides, how can you prove anything when you’re making yourself look like such an ass?

The point is, you should tell her how you feel. (Assuming you haven’t already.) Point it out to her. Maybe she doesn’t SEE how annoying she’s being. Maybe she doesn’t REALIZE that she’s ultra cool just being herself. Maybe she needs a reassurance that, yes, she is a great person just the way she is under normal, everyday, Christmas cookie baking circumstances. If she gets pissed, so be it. She’ll probably get it eventually.

3

Here’s the problem about that. She’s very…extremist. If I said “I think you’re doing {A} for this reason,” she’ll say “Fine, if you don’t want to go out with me, don’t go.”

There’s never gray area with her. And I suppose that I should just back off and let her be herself and hope she grows out of it…but she’s twenty eight! When’s that going to be?

jarbaby

4

Have you considered the possibility that… umm… you’re a part of the problem?

You said in your post that she asks you why people like you, why you’re so popular, etc. It sounds to me as if she’s trying to live up to her idea of what you’re like, misinterpreting what it is about you that makes you so sexycool.

I mean, I can’t imagine that it’s easy hanging out with one of the world’s premiere lovegoddesses, watching the devastating ease with which you cut through every social engagement, and the breathless stares you leave in your wake.

She may be trying to imitate your courage, but without the self-confidence to back it up, it’s coming out as bravado.

5

What would be so bad about that? Her attitude/behavior when you go out bothers you anyway, so why even go out? You say you really like the person that she is when it’s just you. Why can’t you limit your time with her to just the two of you? Just for a little while, until it becomes clear that this is either going to go on, or that she’ll calm down.

6

You know, I think you should just re-write your OP a bit and give it to her in a letter. Tone it down of course and emphasize what you like about her. You’re obviously not appreciating the situation, and if you are not going to have to give up your friendship with her, I think you have to do something. Be personal, not judgemental (ie, I feel embarrased when you do this or that not You’re trying to make me look like an idiot!)

Or maybe it’s just me. The older I get (I’m 27) the less I feel like continuing relationships I’m not enjoying. Either that or I’m slowly turning in to an anti-social recluse.

I do (to some extent) agree with mrvisible, she seems like an insecure person. No one who’s truly confident needs to rely on shock therapy to feel noticed.

7

Y’know, I had this long clever response asking for her phone number all set to go, but I realized I really don’t need that kind of chaos at this point;)
She sounds like she has some serious conflicts re: her life right now and she needs to work them out. Perhaps she should talk to someone…

[sub]::grumble, grumble…damn ethics…[/sub]

8

I’m under no similar constraint.

Clearly, what this woman needs is a manhattan, straight up. Get her to the next Chidope, and I’ll fly out and show her what an open-minded, atheist party animal is really like.

9

But manny!!! I’m an open-minded atheist (former) party animal! And I’m a Doper, which makes me SOOOO much cooler. Right?

10

Better yet, why don’t you SHOW ME what that’s like, and I’ll report back. :smiley:
mrvisible, while he may have been joking, sort of hit on why I don’t confront her. I probably AM part of the problem. Because sometimes, I’m a ridiculous weirdo even if I’m not putting forth the effort. I mean, come on, I talk dirty, I drink too much sometimes, I can be lewd and lascivious in describing my welder fantasies to Chidopers, I’ve been looked at with raised eyebrows…

but the difference is, with her it’s MASSIVE SHOCK VALUE or OFF.

I’ll talk about fucking an anonymous welder while I’m out with a group of friends.

She’ll talk about it in front of my mom at a christening.

It’s hypocritical of me to tell her to ‘settle down’ when very often I’m a little nutty myself.

I don’t want her to be a nun…just…be herself, which would require far less effort. There’s a time and a place for debauchery. My grandma’s house isn’t it.

jarbaby

11

Quoted by a mod!!! I feel all special and tingly :wink:

And jarbabyj, ummmm…I’m an atheist, open minded…well, I guess I can’t call myself a party animal, but I’m willing to try :smiley:

::note to self: must get drink named after self in order to make cool innuendoes…::

12

Mmm…I could go for a nice, cold Mike G.

Vanilla, Vodka and Gouda Cheese. :smiley:

jarbaby

13

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a beagledave; shaken …not stirred :stuck_out_tongue:

You can probably ignore that above line…

I’m trying like hell to get all my gratuitous man-whore flirting in before the kidlet drops in July

14

And there you have my Secret Philosophy of Life ™. If you have a point to make, couch it in a joke. If you’re wrong, people say “He was only joking.” If you’re right, they all go “Hey, the way he said it was funny, but he’s got a point…” Mostly, though, they think “Wow, he’s an idiot, huh?”

I’ve been in this sort of situation from both ends, jarbaby. It sucks hanging out with someone much cooler than you are, and it sucks hanging out with someone who thinks you’re much cooler than they are.

It might help to let her know how cool you think some of the things she does are. Maybe mention it if you’d like to be more like her in some ways. It’d probably mean a lot coming from a paragon of smoldering feminine sexuality and linguistic dexterity like yourself.

(That last, to be totally clear, wasn’t joking. It was awed.)

15

Don’t forget, jar, I’ll be out there in two weeks (exactly). Perhaps you can introduce me to your… friend. :wink:

16

Sound like she could be the daughter of my friend Everet. He’s 45 and needs to slow down. Hopefully she’ll learn, and won’t be spending her 40’s in a speed and tequila induced haze.

17

I would like to add a little note of caution that i doubt i need to say but… if you do decide to tell her how much this annoys you then please, please do it in the nicest way possible. IMO, anyone who acts this way does it because they think that if they were simply themselves they wouldn’t be as attractive/interesting/funny if they were just themselves. To criticise harshly is to kick when they’re already down.

Being “shocking” is annoying, and you have every right to be firm with her but like you say, it’s probably an all-or-nothing thing. But if it is only bravado, a firm-but-gentle “stop it” might just work because it may help her realise that acting this way doesn’t work for what she wants to achieve. It’s very easy for people who are comfortable with themselves to say “Be yourself” but it can take a lot of effort and occasionally-uncomfortable self-knowledge for many people to get to that point. That’s not an excuse for her behaviour, but not everyone miraculously becomes an adult when they turn 25.

I’m rambling. What i really mean is: it’s fair play to rant and get annoyed because it is annoying, but being harsh with her may hurt her more than it helps anyone else.

Fran

18

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I keep checking your webpage to see if I’ve displaced that jerk Hugh Jackman on your “list,” but nothing so far. You, you, monogom!

And MikeG, I found it’s easier to name yourself after the drink rather than vice versa. Otherwise you find yourself like the grasshopper who walked into a bar.

19

[Drama] Oh manhattan…if I thought for even a minute that you truly desired me in that way…I would change my list forever, putting you at the TOP…AHEAD of Till Lindemann.[/Drama]

hold on…let me rethink that

anyway…just know that I adore you…but have deferred to my friend…like Sydney Carton in Tale of Two Cities…I shall simply love you silently, and from afar.

:: sweeping exit ::

jarbaby

20

Masks, costumes. Feh.

Character is action. Action is character. What people do is what people are.

“But that’s so not like hir!” Nonsense. It’s exactly like hir, at exactly that time and place.

“But they don’t behave like that in this situation!” So what? People have different facets, some a more extreme variation in personality topography than others. People act different in different contexts.

Growing out of it? Perhaps. Behavior changes over time. Things that seem necessary and cool to anyone now may be the cause for embarassed amusement ten years down the line. Then again, perhaps it won’t. It’s rarely a change one way or the other that can be deliberately engineered from without.

If there are contexts a friend’s established pattern of behavior causes you to not enjoy being with them…avoid being with them in that context. Lunches alone with them are very enjoyable? Good! Have more of them. Being at a family function with them causes acute discomfort and lack of enjoyment? That’s a shame–don’t invite them. Is their very existence causing you more stress and discomfort than happiness? Reevalute whether or not they’re still a friend. Life’s hard, but it is also far more simple than people let it be.

People are who they are. They act as they will act. As irritated as I can get with other people, friends included, I do try to have the benefit of the doubt that possibly, just possibly, they know more about who they are than I do. And if a friend changes over time (as do we all) in such a way that we’re no longer quite so close, that’s a shame–but it’s life, and it’s their life, and I’m not going to try to alter them for my benefit, any more than I would tolerate them trying to do that to me.