yeah! Girlfriends are FUN!

The BBQ Pit
1

Today I feel like I’m going to simultaneously tear my hair out, throw up, go crazy, cry and climb to the top of the Hancock with a semi automatic.

My friend…my GIRLFRIEND (that so many of you think is so important for a woman like me to have) has decided to go off on a delightfully cryptic depressed episode and without any warning or time to pack, has dragged me right into it.

Flashback to last Tuesday when she said,

“I just want you to know, I have such fun with you. You really understand my sense of humor, I’m comfortable with you, I have a great time. Even if we’re doing nothing at all, it’s a blast! I think you’re my closest friend in Chicago.”

Wow! Nice! What a nice thing to say to me. I was so happy and kind of glowing with the knowledge that perhaps I had found a girl who was simple, honest and fun.

Wednesday…ONE DAY LATER…not even 24 hours. I get an email from her, two lines long:
don’t forget to make the arrangements for our trip

Hm. No greeting. No closure, no emoticons, no punctuation, no subect line even. And to make it better, I’ve been under the impression for, oh…about three months that the arrangements for our weekend away (in two weeks) were not only taken care of, but taken care of by her.

So I send an email back asking (politely, I may add) What’s up? From your short email, you sound a little down. Do I really still have to make arrangements? Let me know.

What follows is an undending lecture from her, pages long, out of nowhere, that she is not my bitch, and if I want to go on this trip, I need to fend for myself and if I expected her to do things for me I’ve got another thing coming and maybe I should quit being a fucking mooch and do one fucking thing for myself. She suggests that she’s never known someone as rude as I am for assuming that she would take care of the arrangements. She speculates that I’m using her, using her resources and that basically it’s a stupid thing for me to do. She decides that finally she’s realized why she hates being around people.

The closure? “Leave me alone for a while so I can think about it”

FLOORED

Totally floored. There was no interaction between us from “You’re my best friend” to “Leave me alone.”

I sent her an email back on Saturday (having left her alone), asking if everything was ok and that if I made her mad somehow I’d like to apologize. And if she wants to call and scream at me to feel free, since I’m completely in the dark on the issue.

I was near tears. I’m a totally non-combative person. I hate confrontation, I hate fighting, and if me saying I’m sorry even though I don’t know what I did will fix it, I’ll do it. I was quite literally nauseous for all of Saturday night, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I went out with my other friends and they thought I was SICK.

No response all day Sunday.

Monday morning.

Haven’t heard back yet.

Mr. Jarbaby says with ‘best friends like her’ I don’t need enemies and I should tell her off. The thing is, the last time I told her what I really thought of her and how she treated me (because we’ve been through this before), she told me that she had ‘depression problems’ and that I would never understand it, and then she disappeared for six months. And I mean disappeared. Disconnected her phone, shut down email accounts, everything.

When she showed up again, she apologized for days, promised it would never happen again and all was back to normal. If it was depression, after all, she deserves another chance. It was over right?

And now, what the fuck? Could I please not be treated like a sounding board for your weirdo problems and nothing else? When I ask her what’s wrong or how she’s feeling she says that it’s none of my business or ‘no comment’. Literally. She’ll send me an email that simply says ‘no comment’. When I want to hear what’s bothering her, she will not offer it. When I tell her I want to help or that I’m thinking of her she says “whatever.” When we’re together we have fun. When she’s up, we have fun and mesh perfectly, but what the hell? I’m all for supporting someone in their time of need, but it’s like she doesn’t even want it.

I really really like her. We’ve had some nutty adventures in the three years we’ve known each other…but how much am I supposed to put up with? How long do I have to sit around and wait until she’s ready to be my friend again?

Christ!

This…my friends, is why I hang out with guys. In my twenty eight years of life I’ve never had a guy act so mysteriously and without explanation…ever.

jarbaby

2

This woman is NOT someone I would want for a friend. Depending on how much bullshit you are willing to put up with, I’d suggest dropping her like a hot potato sooner than later.

And, hey, all of us chicks aren’t so bad. I happen to think I am a VERY good friend!

3

If I drop her, she comes back crying that she’s sorry. We’ve had the one big SIX MONTHER fight, and whenever we have little bickering arguments she’ll disappear for a few days then come back, apologize, promise not to do it again and I fall for it every time!

I’m sure you’re great monster…I think I’ve met all the wrong girls.

jarbaby

4

One thing I take as a given is that people behave cyclically. Whether that’s a bummer or a good thing rather depends on the person and the behavior. People also have the capacity to break their own cycles, of course, but that can never be counted on, simply marveled and wondered at when it occurs.

So, she’s likely to continue to do this kind of thing again. Her disapearance may be shorter or longer, but my Cleoish prediction is that the profuseness of apologetic behavior at the reappearance will stay about constant.

If any of my friends pulled this kind of crap on me more than once, my approach would be pretty direct. Wait for the disappearance to end, if it’s going to–if it doesn’t this time, it’s no great loss in the long run. Once it does, say very briefly and bluntly something like, “Our problems and how we react to those problems are two entirely separate things. I’m your friend. I will always help you, as long as it doesn’t involve being an emotional punching bag, which is how you’re treating me now. If you treat me as that ever again, it will be the last time. I’m not going to argue this or debate it–if it happens ever again, that will be the end of us. Make a choice.” And when she starts to bleat, repeat that it’s not something that’s going to be argued, it’s simply something that is.

The painful part is that if and when she does it again (the most likely course of events, but then again I’m cynical about such things), you’re going to have to follow through on the ultimatum. But if she’s incapable or unwilling of breaking her behavior cycle, it’s better long-term to take the short-term pain.

And you really shouldn’t do all those things simultaneously. I’d recommend a good solid bolt-action with a decent scope over a semi-automatic, but either way your aim is going to be lousy if you’re also tearing out your hair and vomiting while weeping. Insanity may or may not affect aim depending on its expression.

5

whatever

6

no comment

7

It sounds like a personality disorder of some type. Mental health issues are common among my circle of friends, but nothing quite so severe.

It is unlikely that gender has anything to do with it. Just your luck of the draw in meeting folks.

(A carnival worker reached into a large vat of personality tickets. “And for Jarbabyj today we have a new female friend with…” Takes a moment to look at the ticket he’s drawn. “… a bipolar anti-social disorder! Let’s give her a round of applause folks!”)

I hate talking about my difficulties with other people and I know my friends feel the same way. Mental disorders are just not a fun topic and they are not easy to explain. But my friends and I are still able to live by the rule “You are responsible for your own actions.” So we don’t tend to go off on each other and if seems likely that we might, we send a quick email explaining that we are not feeling well. It’s very hard to control sometimes and it sounds like such control might be out of your friend’s reach at the moment.

The most important thing to remember is that it’s not your fault. Don’t feel bad about yourself for it. The next thing you have to decide is if you have the strength and the patience to deal with this kind of erratic behavior. There is no certainity that she will ever accept your help or that her behavior and control will ever improve even if she does.

8

Sorry jarbaby, upon short reflection, that doesn’t seem quite as amusing. What monster and Drastic said, though, is pretty much the sentiment in my mind. It’s tough, but is the fun you have worth the emotional rollercoaster and abuse?

Remembering your girlfriends thread, I’m still wondering why people make such a big deal over “girl-friends” or “guy-friends” versus just having friends.

9

I only make a big deal out of it because both my sister and mother feel that, and I quote “your emotional development as a woman is being stunted when you don’t have women to share your emotions with”

I tell them that I share them with men just fine and they insist it’s not the same.

Anyway, still haven’t heard from her, and I can barely concentrate on work.

jarbaby

10

I’m with monster on this one. If you want to be friends with her (and she’ll let you be her friend), you can encourage her to get into counseling & try to be there for her as a friend, but it doesn’t sound like she’s emotionally ready for an adult relationship right now. She may have many wonderful qualities, but she’s also shown herself to be way unstable, & you have to be able to depend on your SO. The fact that she comes crying back after you dump her suggests that she’s addicted to drama, which you probably don’t need in your life. Remember, relationships are supposed to make your life BETTER, not worse.

& monster is also correct that not all of us chicks are like that. In fact, I think most of us aren’t like that. If all the girls you’ve met are, then I’ve got to ask…where do you pick up girls? I mean, sometimes I can be mysterious & non-explanatory, but I certainly do not disappear for six months!

11

Well, this is part of the problem. I guess you just need to decide if the good times outweigh the bad times. If you think not, then when she comes back, just tell her simply that you’d rather not hang out with her. Don’t tell her she’s crazy or anything. If she asks why, you can tell her that the bad outweighs the good, and life’s too short to put up with bad stuff.

Good luck!

12

hmm… maybe you have way better instincts in picking out guy friends than I do. I have former male friends who pulled crap like this, and weirder.

That said, like Drastic said, it’ll happen again. And again. Whether the friendship is great during the times when she acts normally, and it’s worth putting up with the shit is something you’ve got to decide. If not, pull your phone and email as she has demonstrated and cut her dead. If it is worth it, for your own sanity, you have to learn how to ignore her during the flaky times-concentrating on it isn’t going to help anyone and will just drive you nuts.

13

Here’s the thing that keeps me from cutting her off. Let’s say she really has depression (my sister has it and it’s horrible, I could cry for her) or she really is bipolar.
Probably the meanest thing I could ever do is say “Sorry pal, you’re on your own.” I’m trying to support her and its like she doesn’t even care! i’ve watched her lose at least a dozen friends this way and I don’t want to leave her alone.

As for where I ‘pick up girls’…everywhere, although as of late, I’ve started to avoid them. If they’re not trying to hug me and call me sweetie, they’re calling me a fucking mooch.

no thanks. i’ll just watch the ballgame with rich.

jarbaby

14

::raises hand:: Ooh, ooh, I’ll be your friend!

But seriously, it sounds like this chick has some serious issues. Can you say ‘passive-aggressive’? Can you say ‘attention-seeking’? Listen, she’s giving a bad name to people who really have “depression problems”, like myself. I have struggled with depression all my life, and there were times that I would isolate myself from my friends. It took a LOT for me to come forward and tell them that I was going through a rough patch. But I never shit all over them like it sounds like this person has done to you. Maybe you should tell her that you don’t appreciate her attacking you when all you did was show some concern, and that if it continues, she should think about looking somewhere else for a friend. You don’t need that kind of bullshit in your life! I agree with what monster said. It sounds like you need to sit down and think about whether putting up with her when she’s acting psycho is worth it.

I agree with you about being friends with men vs. women. For a long time I had mostly guy friends, because they don’t get moody like we chicks do. But I have found that as I have gotten older, I have wanted to have some women friends, because you can’t talk to men about hormonal issues and trying to get pregnant and such like you can with women!

I feel for you though, I know how much an unresolved problem can screw up your day. Try to take a break from thinking about it, distract yourself, then when you come back to it later maybe you’ll be a little clearer in your head about what you want to do. Good luck!

15

Go Cubs! :slight_smile: Weren’t you pissed yesterday when the bases were loaded, the score was 6-6, and the Cubs blew it?? Argghhh!!!

You see, we girlie girls like to watch baseball too!

16

You don’t have to totally cut her loose, but it sounds like it would be healthier for her to be your friend now, rather than your girlfriend. Relationships can get so complicated & it’s a lot easier to get hurt.

17

I think in many, probably even most, cases, behavior comes first, and rationalizations of it afterwards. Two people are involved in this cycle. On the one hand, that makes it stronger; on the other, it doubles the chances to break it.

People can be depressed and bipolar, suffer all sorts of things that it is absolutely unfair and tragic that they do, and still not treat their friends like shit. Some people can have profoundly easy lives without major mental problems, but treat their friends as punching bags. Treating people like shit is a separate issue from having problems. Having problems doesn’t grant anyone a magical badge they can wave to excuse being jerks.

Needless cruelty in life should be avoided. Sometimes it can’t be, and sometimes it shouldn’t be. The choices that revolve around those moments are always hard. One way or the other, they get made. Life is hard, but at the same time it’s also quite a lot easier than people let it be.

18

God, I can hardly post for the warning, clanging buzzers and bells going off in my head. Not to mention the flashing red light spinning around.

I realize one can’t know all the relevant details from one post, but I get a strong sense this person is manipulating you. Not that she might not genuinely adore you, but she’s jerking you around.

First she tells you the fairy tale: You’re such a good friend! No one understands her or gets her mind and humor like you! This is the friendship like you’ve never had, with an expressive, kind, FUN friend who appreciates what you do for her and lets you know it! Woo-hoo! And Cranky–er, I mean, jarbaby–thinks “Oh good, I’ve attained what my mom and society seems to think I should have, one of those close girl-girl friendships. This is great on a bunch of levels!”

Then, when you’re good and reeled in and feeling extra-committed to the whole venture, BLAMMO! The abuse starts. You’re a bad friend. You take advantage. She can’t believe you’re the type of person you are. And if you really care, you will apologize, jump through hoops, and work hard to get back in her good graces. And she sits back and nurses her made-up wounds and slights (which she has convinced herself are real) and watches to see just how far you will go to make amends.

When you’ve gone far enough and her ego is fed, she makes nice, apologizes for her part of the brouhaha, reminds you of her struggles with mental stability, and the cycle starts over

As fun as she is, as much as she sometimes brings out the best in you, as much as she fulfills some version of the “gal-pal” ideal you’ve had crammed down your throat, as much as you sympathize with her problems, I think she sounds like bad news. Because I have been there. Her problems are not your problems (although she may work very, very hard to make you think they are) and don’t let her convince you that “being a good friend” means putting up with emotional blackmail and abuse. SHE needs to get HERSELF straightened out before she can expect you to hold up your end of a healthy friendship!

19

Not to sound cruel, but you aren’t her keeper. The fact that she keeps dumping on you and you let her it hurting her more than helping her. How will she ever learn not to do it if you keep letting her. From the way it sounds, and this is not intended as an ugly remark either…only as an observation, you seek out these kinds of girlfriends because you have to be the one that suffers and takes on the problems of the world and all it’s people. I also have friends that suffer from depression and yes they do withdraw but not with the vindictiveness and cruelty she has shown. You have only known her for three years, what did she do before those three years? What did you do?

20

jarbaby, this person is a rotten “friend” and you deserve better.

Maybe you need to start hanging out with ChiDoperChicks like me or magdalene more. And if you want some verbal abuse, I’m sure we could oblige :smiley: