Is it possible for a dipshit to become, well, NOT a dipshit?

I should precede by making it clear that I love my friends dearly. They understand me, we are great sounding boards for one another, and I’ll probably never be able to be as close to anyone as I am to these two (Catte & Robin).

HOWEVER…Yet another fucked up situation in a long line of fucked up situations…

Robin has baby. Catte and I decide to have a baby shower for Robin and baby. Catte and Robin ask if we can do it at my house, I agree. Catte and Robin proceed to let me take care of the details. I conceive of, print, assemble, and pay the postage to mail the invitations. I spend a week cleaning my house in preparation for all these people and all their children. Somewhere in the middle of all this, Bowen is diagnosed with impetigo. I tell Catte this because her children have been around Bowen since his symptoms appeared, and I figured it would be the right thing to do. I tell her that he’s being medicated and will be non-contagious by the weekend, so there are no worries about the baby shower.

I continue trying to get my flea market of a house in order. I speak to Catte on the phone the afternoon before the shower to find out whether or not I need to take care of any food or if she’s doing that, and to make the comment that “It probably wouldn’t be a good idea to have the kids play in the sprinkler tomorrow, since it’s getting kinda chilly.” She says she’s not sure about the food, but agrees that it’s getting too chilly for the sprinkler. She’ll call me back later in the evening to let me know about food, and says that she and Robin will be by in the morning to help get things set up.

Fast forward to today. I wake up. I wait. I call. Catte says that she just woke up and she’ll call me back after she has some coffee and a cigarette. I wait some more. I call again. Robin’s outside and Catte is trying to get her son dressed, their mom will give them the message. At noon (shower is scheduled for 2 p.m.) I figure that I’d better dive in and start taking care of things myself (big fucking surprise).

So the living room, kitchen and bathrooms are spotless. The windows and doors are open, incense is burning (sandalwood, in case it matters), Paul Simon, Billie Holiday and Squirrel Nut Zippers are programmed and playing in the CD player, coffee is made, an assortment of coffee creamers and syrups have been laid out, I look cute, Bowen looks cute, Byron’s getting ready to go out with a friend, all the outside toys are waiting patiently for some kids to come play with them and it’s now 2:30.

Angry, miffed, and more than a little annoyed, I call again. I don’t even bother to ask for a certain person, I just belt to the person who answered “So did we change the location?”
“Eh?” comes the reply.
“I don’t know,” I said, “I was under the impression I was having a baby shower here today.”
“Well, I thought it was cancelled.” Robin says.
“Who said cancelled? I’ve been working my ass off all week and I just talked to Catte about it last night.”
“All I heard was that Bowen had impetigo and was contagious, so we were going to reschedule.”
“I never said that. Bowen’s been medicated and non-contagious for several days now. What the hell did she think we were talking about last night?”

…and so on…

I tried to regain my calm, ended the call, put the coffee creamers and syrups away, put my nice coffee cups away, put my nice cut glass serving dishes away, dumped the coffee into the sink, turned off the CD player, and planted my ass at the kitchen table. Chain-smoked about four cigarettes, sucked down the rest of my Coca-cola, and wondered why I felt like crying when I knew I should feel like strangling someone.

I never said, uttered, or otherwise mentioned the word “cancel”. In addition to this situation, both of them are constantly and late FOR EVERYTHING and always in need of my assistance in one way or another. I’m a generous person. I don’t mind giving of myself, picking up the tab, hosting the baby shower, etc. I guess it just seems like this is the straw that finally broke my back. I’ve spent the last 30 minutes swearing that I was never going to say “yes” again, but I know I will.

I just want to scream.

Veni, Vidi, Visa … I came, I saw, I bought.

Wow. I am so sorry to hear that Chris. I haven’t had anything nearly as bad as what you describe happen to me, but it seems like as time goes on, my friends become slower and slower (pun intended). I’ve gotten in the habit of repeating myself at least three times whenever I try to plan anything, and I assume that at least one of the people I ask will still screw it up.

The latest little episode was the last minute cancellation my best friend pulled for my 30th Birthday. This was last month, and his excuse was that he couldn’t afford to be spending money right now since school starts up.

Please bear in mind that I had planned my little celebration around my friends’ schedules,and that I choose a location that I thought everyone would be cool with, and that was affordable (a pub with a live band and no cover) I told my buddy that if he’s so broke, just buy a coke and hang with me for a bit. Of course he mumbled some other lame ass excuse.

My main problem was that I planned this about three weeks in advance, and genius here decided to back out 30 minutes before the gathering.

I had fun with everybody that made it, but last minute cancellations are fairly common with my little group of friends.

Maybe I’ll start using visual aids.

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

Chris, you will never change them. They will continue to use you because you allow it. They hear what they want to hear and blot out the rest. They don’t think on the same level as any normal person. It may take the rest of your life to realize that you may have wasted a better part of your life with these dipshits and that they are actually very selfish,self serving, airheaded and will never change or evolve out of the quamire of stupidity. Next time a little party is planned, don’t volunteer your house or anything. Let the others fret about the details.

On the plus side, your house looks great.

People change not because they see the light but because they feel the heat.

To be honest, Chris, I would have strangled 'em. Dead. Both of 'em. Dead.

I sympathize 100% (my husband is currently vaccuuming away for a party that I seriously doubt is going to amount to anything–2 of my friends have suddenly gotten sick at the last second (today), one promptly forgot and made other plans after being invited, and the rest never bothered to RSVP, so I guess this “party” is just going to be me and my husband, the one friend who has yet to cancel (give her time), and our mothers. It’s his birthday party all over again!).

My point: once a dipshit, always a dipshit.

I finally gave up on one of my dipshit friends who did this stuff to me constantly from the day I met her. I only stayed friends with her because she was a single mom and her little boy was precious to me. He still is, but I just got so sick and tired of being jerked around by his mom. I took them grocery shopping, I bought them clothes, I helped them move from house to house and even took them in for a week when they were homeless, I tried to help her find work, I celebrated their birthdays with them, I watched her son when she spent the night in the hospital, I sat up with her nights when she was afraid she would have to go to the hospital and sat in the emegerency room for hours when she finally did, AND sat in the emergency room for hours once for HER SISTER whom I didn’t even like, and on and on. I BOUGHT HER A FUCKING CAR!!! Hardly ever got anything in return. I know you’re not supposed to expect anything in return but friendship, but when my father died I didn’t even get that. I called her on the day he died. I called her on the day of the funeral to remind her. Did she come to the funeral or reception afterwards? No. Did she call to say she was sorry she couldn’t make it to the funeral after all? No. Did she send a condolences card? No. Did I ever speak to her ever again? Not bloody likely! She never EVER even made an attempt to apologize. All she had to do was pick up the phone and say, “I’m sorry.” She never did. EVER.

I haven’t seen her or her son since that fateful February 1997, but I think of the son often. The first time I saw him was at his 1st birthday party. He’d be 9 nine now, starting the 4th grade. He was just starting wrestling when I last saw him. I miss him, I worry about him, and I wonder if he remembers me. I wonder if he hates me for abandoning them. I keep toying with the idea of finding out where they live so I can just check up on him, maybe send him a present and let him know I still care about him. Poor little lamb. Mostly I’m scared to death that, with only his dipshit mother as a role model, he’ll end up a dipshit too.

Dipshittedness is incurable once allowed to set in.

“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy

I agree with Shirley. If this is not an unusual thing for them to do, then Chris, you just deserve better friends–no matter how much you love them. Maybe you could explain that you won’t let that happen again (i.e., what SU said–don’t volunteer or plan anything), that they owe you big, big time, and if it happens again, goodbye. And mean it. (Or, end it now.) BTW, it’s completely natural to want to cry in addition to wanting to kill them. They were very dismissive, rude, inconsiderate, and overall unloving as friends–and that hurts. And not to be redundant, but you deserve better than that.

I, on the other hand, want to know how to end a friendship with a dipshit. My friend (the one I once had a thread about her asking to borrow money) is revealing herself to be the kind of person I just don’t think is good to be around. She makes very stupid mistakes on a nearly daily basis, but is so ignorant about it as to be arrogant. She simply does not get it. She just called the other day–fishing for money because her car died. Then she fished for a ride to various places. I hate it, because I really want to help–but she creates these problems herself, and doesn’t learn from them. I say “No” as indirectly as I can ecah time. :stuck_out_tongue: She also doesn’t listen to anyone telling her she’s screwing up.

She’s now dating someone who has inordinate sums of money at a very young age, but will tell her nothing about where it comes from. All he tells her is he runs his own business; it does seem a bit suspicious. Now, it could be any variety of thing, but knowing her, it could easily be some sort of drug or weapon smuggler (she’s honestly a bit too slow to figure that out). She hates him, but openly says she’s using him for money. UGH. (Even if his money is legit, the potential remains in her to make a big mess of her life.) She could get herself into all kinds of problems, and I’m starting to think I should remove myself for my own protection.

A question that would relate to both Chris and myself–how do you end a relationship with a dipshit? Do you TELL them they’re a dipshit? Do you just fade away? Do you try to help them by explaining why the friendship needs to end?

The thing is, these two are my very best friends. They are intelligent, witty, clever, fun, and sweet. I love them as though they were my sisters, my son is learning to talk and calls them (his version) “auntie”. I love and adore them and wouldn’t imagine trading them in for new friends. It’s just this sort of thing that drives me insane.

Since Robin’s living 45 miles away with no phone, I can’t really blame her, she got her “information” from Catte. I just can’t figure out where Catte got the idea that the damn shower was cancelled, especially when we were just discussing it yesterday!!

Like I said, I don’t generally have a problem with being the one in charge of the details, etc., but fer cryin’ out loud, I’ve spent the last week busting my hump and trying to plan “a lovely party” only to be the last person to find out that I’d cancelled it.

It just doesn’t make any sense.

Veni, Vidi, Visa … I came, I saw, I bought.

Quote from LauraRae:

“A question that would relate to both Chris and myself–how do you end a relationship with a dipshit? Do you TELL them they’re a dipshit? Do you just fade away? Do you try to help them by explaining why the friendship needs to end?”

I think it depends on the friendship. The friends I am the closest to are people I’ve know for more than a decade. They HAVE been there for me in the past, and I’ve been there for them. It just seems that as we get older, it’s becoming harder and harder to plan anything that envolves more than one or two of my friends at a time. They’re good people, but DAMN they can’t plan worth a shit.

I found out I was an usher for my best friend’s wedding (No, Julia wasn’t involved) about two months before it was scheduled. I found out because I asked him what the dresscode was gonna be…suits or tux’s? Sometimes I feel like I’m on Rawhide, herding the dopey cattle up the trail.

But these are my brothers, so I just tell them they’re being dorks and that they owe me.

On the other hand, I faded from a “friendship” with a person who was always using me for money and rides. I don’t think telling truly selfish people that they’re being selfish really accomplishes anything but to get yourself into a fight.

I’m sorry for rambling, but I think a lot of personal demons are coming to the surface here.

I’m still a little irked about my friggin birthday.

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

Oh man…let me add one more thing to my last post.

A very close friend of mine built up a reputation for always being late…like about 3 or 4 hours. After years of raggin his ass, he finally made an honest effort to change.

I guess the answer to LauraRae’s question is that reform is dependant on the individual. Kinda like rehabilitation for criminals, huh?

Now THERE’S a thought…jail terms for dipshits. Hmmmmm…

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

Yeah, I had an acquaintance that was doing stuff like that; calling for rides from work when I had to drive 20 minutes just to pick him up, etc. This is the kind of guy who would go to play guitar at a coffee house ten miles from his house (I don’t know how he got there) and then just simply not plan for a ride home. He would call people after he got done, and since he was stuck, they would tend to give in.

He was a very good guitarist, but he got kicked out of a band that eventually got a major label contract, I assume for the same reasons as I heard in other situations; for being unreliable, without the resources to really make the band happen organizationally. It’s really a shame. He’s very good, but not very insightful in living his life, I think. He seems to think that he’s doing all right being 36 and single and living in an extremely messy rented room and doing stuff like phone sales for a day job.

I eventually quit returning the messages about his gigs. I haven’t talked to him in a couple years.

Is there any way to tactfully tell your friend that you don’t appreciate what she did? Or even non-tactfully. That way she’ll know just how much she’s hurt you. I do not blame you one bit for being hurt & angry. You have every right to be.

I posted a while ago about a “whining adult.” Well, I haven’t had a talk with him yet either. It is hard, especially when it’s a good friend. Now he’s done something else to honk me off, too. He works for the company that owns Meadowbrook, Pine Knob, and The Palace, here in Michigan. He occasionally gets free tickets to shows, and he has given us some, which I really do appreciate, and I’ve tried to compensate him in some way for them, usually dinner. He called my husband a couple of days ago, and told him he had tickets to see Jeff Beck at Pine Knob, and would my husband like to go. My husband is a big fan of Jeff Beck, so he jumped at the chance. Well, halfway down there, our friend tells my husband that the tickets were not free, that he’d paid for them a few days before, and had been trying to get people to go with him to this show ever since. My husband was driving, and he said he wanted to just throw him out of the car. Now, we’ve got no problem paying for a ticket, for Pete’s sake. But if he’d just said “Hey, I bought these tickets & I’ll sell you one if you want it” beforehand, my husband would have taken enough money to do it right then, or opted not to go. These tickets were not cheap, either. They were $35. And our friend whined the whole time because my husband was 10 minutes late picking him up, while not a month ago, same friend was an HOUR late getting to our house, because he’d OFFERED to babysit our daughter so my husband and I could go out to dinner.

This friend told my husband he was mad at me, too, because the last time he called to whine about his job, I didn’t give him any sympathy. His job happened to be in a field that I have worked in in the past, and the things he was whining about were things that he had no business whining about–they are part & parcel of that type of job. I told him that, and explained why, and now he’s mad. Oh well.

Dipshits have to lose alot before they realize what dipshits they’ve been. Someday I’ll talk to my friend, and tell him what I really think. I sincerely hope you can talk to yours, too. It sounds like you genuinely love this friend. Being as close to her as you’ve said, you stand a pretty good chance of maintaining the friendship.

I’ve had more than my share of dipshit friends. There’s a big difference between someone that’s just flaky and someone that’s abusing the privilege of your friendship. If the example you gave about the baby shower was just a bizarre miscommunication, that’s one thing. If they’re normally that inconsiderate, you have to assume that it’s NOT going to change and decide if their good qualities outweigh the frustrations you’ve described.

I had a good friend for many years and a few years back when my then-roommate was moving away, she offered to move in. I knew she had some flaky tendencies but had NO idea that she was completely self-absorbed. Month after month, she just “didn’t have” money for utilites, or her own groceries (she just ate mine), etc, even though we worked at the same place and made the same amount of money! When we were finally threatened w/ having everything cut off, I had to go to my father to borrow her share of the money. At that point she told me that she “couldn’t” respect me for going to my father for money, somehow missing the fact that while I was perfectly capable of supporting myself, I couldn’t handle the burden of paying her bills.

After that, I lost interest in maintaining the friendship. I decided that we were nothing more than roommates. I was civil to her, but no longer let her eat my food, borrow my car, etc. The turning point for her seemed to be when I stopped participating in her high drama. She was one of those constant-crisis types, always in situations she created for herself. I stopped going out of my way to solve her problems for her, and within about 2 weeks she decided to move out because “our friendship was suffering.”

So she moved out, with next-to-no warning and no time to find someone else to move in. In addition to the fact that she owed me over $1200, I had to finish out the lease (which she was also on) on my own. I didn’t hear from her until a few days before the lease was up, when she called to ask WHEN - not if- she was going to get her share of the security deposit back.

This was a girl that I had considered my best friend. It wasn’t easy, but I had to cut her out of my life altogether. It’s been about a year and a half since I’ve spoken to her, and it’s worked out fine for me. Even though there are times that I’m reminded of her and I do actually miss her, they don’t come CLOSE to the times she made me feel like tearing out my hair in frustration.

My whole point in that long story was to say that even though it isn’t easy to extricate yourself from these people (after all, they’re PERFECTLY comfortable taking advantage of you), you’re going to have to be the one that makes changes in the situation.

“You’re going to listen
to ME? To something I
said? Haven’t I made it
abundantly clear over the
tenure of our friendship
that I don’t know shit?”

  • Brodie, “Mallrats”

My sister came to our little party today, and by coincidence (I think coincidence since this isn’t a regular topic of conversation) asked me if I’d heard the latest about the former dipshit friend (fdf) I was whining about above. I said no, of course not, why? My sister told me that she ran into the fdf’s mother awhile back who told her that the fdf had another baby last January, a little girl. She’s multiplying. Now I’m worried about two little children I can have no contact with. And I keep wondering if I should try to get in contact, for the sake of the children. In a family full of drug and alcohol abuse, unemployement and unstable relationships, I’d always hoped to be a role model for her child (now children). But I can’t afford to treat them to food, clothes, movies, fun, transportation, etc., like I used to because I have a household of my own to run now.

Hmm… once a dipshit, always a dipshit, but I’d honestly hoped I could be a positive influence on her kid(s). Maybe I’m really the dipshit?

“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy

This is such a womans problem! I wonder why this rarely happens to men? Is it cause we always speak our minds. Maybe cause we don’t bother making plans ahead of time. Cause we could give a shit if the house is clean.

Flame away!

It happens to men too, but I think it’s more prevalent with women. It’s just that the way they communicate is so open to abuse/misinterpretation.

For example, if a man is making some food and another man says, “Hey, you need some help?” he’ll say yes if he does, and no if he doesn’t. On the other hand, if a woman is making some food and another one says, “want some help?”, she’ll say no, but STILL be mad if the other woman then walks out of the room. After all, it would be rude to say yes, but it was rude of the other woman not to pitch in and help. Or something like that. Or maybe she shouldn’t have asked but just pitched in anyway. But maybe that’s presumptuous, and she’ll get mad for her friend assuming that she can’t make food by herself. But then…

Glad I’m not a woman, and that I don’t worry about understanding them :slight_smile:

This is exactly why I don’t bother with friends. Dealing with people on a personal level generally stinks, if you have to do it every day. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends…I just don’t like them very much :slight_smile:

Hey Omniscient, the friend I’m having such trouble with happens to be a man. A 42-year-old man, with a college degree. So no, it’s not exclusively a “woman problem.” :slight_smile:

Valerie: You didn’t give her her half of the security deposit did you?!?

“Cluemobile? You’ve got a pickup…”
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No, I didn’t. Of course, that made her believe she had every right to be mad at me… and by then, I couldn’t have cared less. Ah well…

“You’re going to listen
to ME? To something I
said? Haven’t I made it
abundantly clear over the
tenure of our friendship
that I don’t know shit?”

  • Brodie, “Mallrats”