Wow! Some dark stories here! First off: this is a WOMAN’S problem? Oh please! Don’t even start up with the “men are superior” crap. That is so lame and stupid this is my last word to that particular bit of trolling.
Anyway, yeah, some of us care and share sometimes too much. We want to be friends with people so we help out, bend over, work at it. Hell, that’s life, isn’t it? If we all said, “No” all the time no matter what, nothing in this world would ever get done.
I’ve been in the same boat (car, house, apartment) as a lot of you here. Sure, I’ve been screwed. Hard. With sand packed up my butt to boot. But do I stop? No. Because sometimes you do find that friend (or family member) that gives back to you just as much as you give to them. That makes it worth it.
To the die hard looser/users? Do what I had to do with my “crisis driven” sister. Change your phone number. Refuse to be around them. Refuse to be a part of their lives until they get their shit together. It’s been YEARS since I’ve started this “ignore” her campaign. Our brother died and she thought that would bring me back into her life. It didn’t. If she died tomorrow, yes, I’d be sad about what we lost, but it was HER choice that it was lost.
She just won’t wake up and see that her constant drama, drinking, drugs and bad life-partner choices make her truly hideous to be around.
No, I’m not a door mat. I won’t do everything asked of me. But I am a good friend and I will trust and help to a point. If I see my trust and help abused… I’m gone. And BTW if someone asks if I need help and I do? I have no problem telling them where to pitch in.
This is certainly not a ‘woman problem’, from either the dipshit or victim side. I once had a bevy of ‘friends’ that I would anything for – and did. Now, many years and experiences later, I have very few friends, but they’re genuine friends, and not acquaintances-of-convenience (for them).
To everyone who’s ever believed themselves to be the victim of a dipshit, I can only recommend one thing: get and read thoroughly, several times, When I Say ‘No’, I Feel Guilty. Then, put what it says into practice. No other book I have ever read had such an immediate and revelatory effect on my life and the way I live it. It’s my Manuel Smith, and I’m sure it must still be in print both hardback and paperback. Another book I can recommend along the same lines is Reality Therapy (the author’s name escapes me at the moment). I once had to read this book as preparation for being a ‘juvenile treatment officer’ at a boys’ group home, but in the process it gave me a lot of insight into the reasons I was personally having a lot of difficulty with relationships.
I had an experience like this: a girl that went to the church I did in San Diego was known to be a user. She was a former(?) prostitute who’d had her child taken away from her for drug abuse, no working car, on welfare etc. I thought I should help her so I picked her up for church (completely out of my way), paid for her lunches/snacks whenever everyone went out after service, helped her move from apt to apt, listened to how “hard” her life was etc etc. All this for about 5 months. She never offered to pay me back for any of the meals I bought her, etc. Finally, one night she asked me for a ride home eventhough I had plans and I told her “No” and that I thought she should find someone else to depend on because I felt that she was too dependant upon me and it wasn’t helping her (she had this mantra “I just want to get going on my own and stuff”). I said all this very privately and very nicely. Well, she started crying and when that didn’t work, got all mad and said I was no type of Christian etc etc. Yeah, I wasn’t the type of Christian that was going to lay down and let her walk on me. That pretty much showed her true colors. My friends were very glad I’d gotten rid of the “parasite” as they called her.
As far as really good friends that do this crap, cut yourself off. If they want to get together, fine, go out, have fun. Do not let them use you and do not feel guilty for telling them “NO!”.
Gr8kat, honey, you can only do so much. There’s honestly probably not much you can do for the kids, other than pray/think positive thoughts for them, without having to deal with the mother. Some people will just NEVER be able to come to grips with the idea of responsibility/accountability and there is nothing you can do for them. They are in denial that their actions have consequences. You are so sweet for wanting to help them.
By the way, this girl had sought me out originally but in the whole period I knew her, had made not only no changes, but no effort to change. She needed serious counseling but refused to go eventhough the State was going to pay for it.
Screen your calls.
Do not call them back.
Cut them off your Christmas card list.
If friends ask ‘hey, where’s so and so been hiding lately’, do not be drawn into the conversation, just say, " I don’t know." and change the subject.Don’t go into details. (Nothing looks worse than someone who talks bad behind some one elses back.)
I agree, the best way to get rid of these so-called friends is to just ignore them. Don’t return their calls. Don’t hang out with them. Just sort of disappear from their lives. As you might have guessed, I don’t Have a LOT of friends, but then the friends I have aren’t constantly screwing me over either
Sure, it’s possible. It’s also possible that Ed McMahon is going to show up at your house tomorrow to give you ten million dollars, but I wouldn’t stay up all night cleaning because of that, if you catch my drift.