hey, I’m all about verbal abuse, but you’d better be a tall, dark and handsome german man before you start dishing it out. 
how long until the beer garden chidope again? 
Jarbaby, I don’t know if you’re looking for commiseration or advice on how to make this situation better. If commiseration, yeah, this situation really sucks, and your friend is treating you in a way that you probably wouldn’t put up with from a romantic relationship.
If you want some advice, have you considered getting counselling for yourself to help you deal with a nasty, unhealthy situation like this? I want to make it really clear that I don’t think you’re the bad person here, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m blaming you for this situation or calling you inadequate as a human being; I just hope that you will consider taking steps to give yourself a more complete set of tools to deal with the difficult people that come into your life. My $0.02, for what it’s worth.
In other news, Stella is an idiot. Because you used the term “girlfriend” & because you were planning a trip with her, I thought you meant an SO. I’m getting the feeling that I was incorrect & you are talking about a platonic friend. In which case, wow! You get a LOT more emotionally involved with your platonic friends than I do. Nothing wrong with that, just an observation. See, I was confused because I use “girlfriend” to refer to a female SO (yes, jarbaby, I know you’re a girl) & “friend” to refer to a platonic friend of either sex.
Anyway, umm, in that case, you definitely need to pull back a little bit, not dump her entirely, but like it is NOT HEALTHY for her to be that involved with you. It’s like she needs your attention in a way that’s totally pathological, & when she thinks she’s not getting enough she throws tantrums.
[slight hijack]
Ever notice how girls sometimes refer to their female friends as “girlfriends”, but guys never refer to their male friends as “boyfriends”?
[/slight hijack]
Glasbabyj,
hergekommen und braten Sie meine Wurst Sie Sklave wench.
There is actually a name for the phenomenon you’re describing–it’s called splitting. Everyone is either a best friend or a worst enemy; everything is either all good or all bad.
Splitting is a characteristic of borderline personality disorder. Run a web search on it and see if anything sounds familiar.
(Note: not a professional diagnosis, of course; just a hunch.)
Dr. J
jarbaby, I had (note past tense) a friend who sent me a similarly nasty e-mail over a year ago. I read it, closed it, and haven’t spoken to her since.
Now, you and other posters have been discussing your friend’s depression, etc. problems, so I don’t wish to sound cruel. But when my “friend” did it to me, I saw it as the culmination of several years of escalating tension. Prior to her manifesto, our conflicts had been less than earth-shattering, but always based around her need for attention and her need to dominate her friends. As I read her note, things I had been thinking about for a while became very clear: this was someone who would never really be a friend to me; to her, friendship means doing what she wants, when she wants, and God forbid you say “No.” She would never see me as an equal and she would never apologize, because she would convince herself that I was really to blame for her outburst. If I were to suggest that she seek some kind of counselling to figure out why she treats people the way she does (even her husband has noticed how she goes through friends like crazy), she’d tear me a new one, if ya know what I mean.
If you are willing & able to support her through getting some help, more power to you. I’m currently trying to do that for one disappearing girlfriend of mine (a different person, severely depressed), and it’s hard, but worth it.
If, however, your friend won’t make a move to help herself, I think there comes a time when it’s ok to cut ties. My ex-friend does have problems, but her constant denial of them and her lashing out took way too much of a toll on me, and on other ex-friends of hers. I miss her a little sometimes but I do not regret cutting her off.
I feel like I’ve rambled 'cause it too me for-friggen-ever to write that, between doing other things… but I hope it works out for you. Don’t feel guilty!
Well, what pops out at me, JB, is that your OP is screaming “Bi-polar off her lithium”. I once knew someone like that, and it was JUST like that. Literally from one day to the next, if she had gone off her lithium, she’d swing from “you’re my best friend” to “where the hell were you when I needed you?” And you’d go, “Um–huh?” Fortunately, I did not count her as a “friend” as such and was able to keep some perspective on it. But it must be very difficult for you. 
I’ll agree with a lot of other posters here; it sounds like you met my frie-- er, this girl I used to know. To make a long story short (I just deleted three paragraphs you probably don’t want to read), I’ve been there.
You can keep trying to be friends with this girl, and give her the love and support she obviously needs (whether due to chemical problems or psychological disorders, or whatever). Or, you can consider how much help you could really be to her, and how far she could really drag you under with her. Good luck.
Oh, jarbaby, that’s really shitty what this person is doing to you. I’m simultaneously saddened and angered after reading what you’ve written because no one should have to deal with the kind of passive-agressive behavior this “friend” is subjecting you to.
I’ve had dealings with males and females whom I started off being great friends, but then after awhile they started trippin’. I still hung in there thinking I had to be a good friend and help them. But it got to the point where I was crying, I couldn’t eat, I felt sick, I was so stressed I couldn’t concentrate on my work, I was scared because I wondered how in the hell I’d gotten myself into such a crazy situation, and then I got pissed. Does any of this sound familiar? I talked to my other good friends who got me to think about how my good friends’ behavior DIFFERED from the manipulative, abusive behavior of those I was bending over backwards trying to help. And I decided that even though I cared about what happened to these people who’d made my life a living hell, I just didn’t have the mental energy, the emotional distance, or the psychological training to really be able to help them, and if I was truly to help them and keep my sanity, then I had to let them go and direct them to folks trained to help them help themselves. And you know what? As soon as I made that decision, I felt better. I didn’t feel sick, weepy, angry, scared, or guilty, and I sure as hell didn’t really miss the kind of “friendship” they had offered me because I had the love and support of my other good friends and the self-knowledge to accept myself for who I was and to understand what it was that I NEEDED AND DESERVED from a friend.
I know some folks have said you have to decide whether or not her friendship is worth the emotional rollercoaster she sends you on, and it is your decision. Trust your instincts. All of the feelings you’re having are trying to tell you something. Listen. I realize I don’t know you or the female in question, but from what I’ve seen that you’ve written and especially from the OP, I believe you deserve better than what she has to offer. It sounds to me like she knows that your sister’s bipolar disorder distresses you, she knows how your mother’s and sister’s insistence on having female friends is wearing on you, she knows that you’re basically a really nice person who hates confrontation, and SHE’S PLAYING YOU. Don’t let her do it. You’re not a bad person for telling someone that you can’t deal with manipulative, abusive behavior and that she needs the kind of help you can’t give her. Believe me. If I can do it–like you I really don’t like confrontation–then you can too. And once you make the decision, DO NOT WAVER, no matter how much drama she throws your way.
As far as having female friends, I think based on what I’ve seen you post so far that you’re trying too hard. Relax. Ask yourself what it is you need from a friendship, not what it is your family is telling you you should have from a relationship. Give yourself time to heal from this situation. Get counseling if you need it. And then look around you. There probably are folks out there male and female who would LOVE to be the kind of friend that YOU NEED AND DESERVE.
I’m sorry if I’ve rambled, told you TMI, or sounded like I’m ordering you around. That’s not my intention. I’m just calling it like I see it. Take what you will from it. Good luck, dear.
Resmind me why you have this person as your friend? Are they bringing you joy? What’s the point in having as a friend someone who brings you naught but grief - it might make you a good samaritan to help them but that doesn’t explain the emotional involvement.
I think that I’ve learned one thing when it comes to making friends: fun people are everywhere but good people are bloody hard to find. Hold on to the good ones and take the fun ones wheresoever you happen to find yourself. And if a “good” one has a problem then help them through it, because they’re worth the trouble and they’d do the same for you. But if a “fun” one turns out to be bad news then simply walk away. Because life’s too short and you’ve got your own problems.
Of course, it’s not always as easy as that.
pan
Jarbaby, Just to cheer you up,
Dons Leiderhosen
Hast Du etwas Ziet fuer Mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von neun-und-neunzig Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
: d&r :
Enough with the bricks already!!
Jar, she needs help. Tell her to go get some when she comes crawling back.
Depressions a weird, weird thing and she has a history of it. I wouldn’t take the e-mail too personally as it’s probably all about her head and nothing to do with you as a friend. I also agree with her that Depression is impossible to understand unless you’ve been there (having, myself, seen friends develop traits I wouldn’t ever have imagined associating with them).
'Course that doesn’t really solve the problem of how to deal with her but maybe it offers some kind of context for you to decide what to do.
The alternative theory is that she really is a bunny boiler in which case invest in your future by buying a passport and packing hurridly.
grwwwwoowwwl 
Thanks all for the advice. After not hearing from her all day yesterday, I wrote out a very nice, long, rambling email to her (she won’t answer the phone), explaining to her exactly what I loved about her, what I thought was fun and valuable and great about her, and then told her that when she distances herself or shuts herself off from me it not only makes me sad, it makes me sick to my stomach and that we’re either going to have to discuss this situation and get it all out in the open or end the whole thing.
And I made it perfectly clear that if she wants to send me an email every month or so that says “i’m super crabby this week, let’s just lay off for a while” I’m FINE with that. I do that all the time to people. Just don’t go off on me out of the blue.
Still haven’t heard back.
Oh well.
Oh, and TwistofFate? I was singing 99 Luftballoons this morning on the way to work! I’m trying to learn all the German words for Karaoke
jarbaby
“Bunny boiler” - hee. That’s great, London.
Jarbaby,
Like several others who’ve posted, I’ve been in a similar situation. Well, she didn’t pull the “you mooch, you bitch, you’re just using me” line, but she did most of the rest, and her version of going 'round the bend involved quasi suicide attempts staged to get everyone’s attention focused on her.
After the last event, one thing occurred to me that shifted the balance from “I’m a loyal, supportive friend and would never abandon her” to “Aloha!”. That is, my support wasn’t and wouldn’t help her get better. Even though I encouraged her to get counseling, helped her untangle her feelings, confronted her about her behavior and backed her up when she needed it, in the end she wasn’t making any changes. Instead, her behavior was becoming more and more extreme. Finally, what I decided was that I had to let her live with the consequences. If you act like a bitch to your friends, then sooner or later, you’re going to lose your friends. It may be that nothing else will convince her to seek help and begin healing.
There is no doubt in my mind that my former friend is caring, loving, supportive, creative, and wonderfully affectionate, but blended in with all those good qualities was a manipulativeness and mendacity that made it impossible to be real friends.
If you decide to continue your friendship, set some limits and distance yourself a bit. It’s hard, I know. However, it’ll help you remain sane and may even make the friendship a little more stable.
Jarbaby,
When are you going to stop mooching advice off of people and start solving your own damn problems?!?
Whatever!
Heembo