My husband once fell off the front of our boat while taking a leak. That his body slid so perfectly through the rail like he’d been greased, was absolutely hilarious and became one of our favorite stories to tell our family and friends about.
If he had been hurt, it wouldn’t have been funny, but he wasn’t so it was.
Shit happens in life and you need to be able to roll through it without taking it so personally. You can laugh at yourself, poke fun of yourself and accept it from others as an affectionate gesture.
I mean, unless she told the story as you being a dumb shit rather than just as one of those things that happen in life, you are being much too sensitive. I would tire of having to walk on such eggshells.
This is a compatibility issue that I don’t think can be fixed without both of you radically changing your personalities, which is rarely a good idea.
Like others said, your gf was simply turning a temporarily scary, unforseen event into a humorous anecdote. Granted, we weren’t there to hear how she told the tale, so for all we know she really was portraying you as an idiot. But when most people make jokes out of similar situations, the intent is not to mock anyone. It’s to liven up the conversation with a story that sounds like its straight out of a sitcom or cartoon.
If the mishap had resulted in you getting 3rd degree burns all over your back, it is doubtful she would have made light of it. It is because you made it out relatively unscathed that she didn’t see the harm in joking about it with her friends.
Where she was wrong was not anticipating this being a sensitive subject for you. When the fire incident occurred, what was your reaction? Were you upset for a while afterwards? Or were you chucklng about it? She should have used your emotional state to gauge whether it was okay to later joke about the fire. And also, if she was making you out to be Homer Simpson, she should have known whether this would offend you. Some guys enjoy being made fun of in that manner, and others don’t. A girlfriend should know what camp her bf is in after a year of dating.
A couple of things particularly strike me about this post.
First, it’s true that I was upset. I didn’t yell at her but she knew I wasn’t happy. But I also told her “Maybe I’m overreacting.” I didn’t lay 100% of the blame at her feet, but I think she took it that way. I wasn’t looking for groveling, but some discussion seemed in order. At times in the relationship I feel like it’s “on me” to keep a conversation going, but I’d like it to be shared. She says I’m a lot more eloquent than she is…yeah, I guess I am. But somehow because I’m good at it, that means I have to carry the ball all the time. I’m okay with giving her some “processing time” to formulate what she wants to say. I’d started the topic and it was up to her to hit that ball back, but maybe that wouldn’t happen immediately. I thought we’d go to bed and talk in the morning. Then she asked me to leave, so who’s freezing out whom? (Passive-aggressive, me? I definitely know how to do that and I’m well aware when I do it, but I wasn’t doing it here.)
Second, she has some history (from early years, growing up) that makes her perceive she’s being attacked. Her best (?) friend, a woman who never fails to tell her “I love you” whenever we see her, told me privately that she’s really glad we’re together, that gf deserves someone who really cares bc she’s never really had that before. She also said gf needs to realize that she isn’t always being attacked, needs to learn not to react “guns blazing” to perceived slights, that sort of thing. This friend has known her for many years, and her assessment corroborated what I already thought. Ironic, isn’t it? I shouldn’t be so sensitive? All depends on whose ox is being gored, maybe.
I keep thinking of Thorndike’s law of effect. The funny thing is she was saying she wouldn’t invite me again (she was very angry so that decision may change but I’m going to assume that until otherwise notified). Thing is, I was thinking I wouldn’t want to go again. Um, I hadn’t particularly wanted to go in the first place but as part of the team, ok I’m there.
Not mentioned upthread, but I was the designated driver. The event wasn’t exactly my cuppa, but she wanted me to go. She said she wanted me to take photos (fine), but really, she wanted to throw a few back. I think that the comment about the fire came from being giddy at being with her peeps but the later reaction was fueled by wine.
I guess I could look back at my own behavior and ask what I would do differently if I had a rewind button. Like I said, I could have made it an issue in front of her subordinates. Eh, that would be like dropping a nuke. Maybe I could have taken her aside—difficult but do-able maybe, given the venue. Would that have thrown a wet blanket on the rest of the evening? Almost certainly. I elected to wait and take it up with her in private.
In the future the answer may be this:
GF: Hey I’ve got this event that’s geared much more toward me than you coming up. There will be lots of people you don’t know and I’ll be drinking wine.
Me: Um, gee, I don’t know.
GF: Come on, it’ll be fun (not stated: I need a designated driver)
Me: Oh it sounds like it (not stated: NOT!) but I’m going to stay home and scrape my gums with a hedge trimmer or something.
GF: Damn, I thought we were a team!
At some point we’ll talk about this. I’ll say, “Maybe some day we’ll go to something with the people I work with. I’m comfortable with them and I want them to like you. That being the case, I don’t see myself telling them something you did that makes you feel diminished.”
What’s also interesting to me is that during a prior conversation, we established that sensitivity on my part is a good thing. That is, I’m very sensitive to her needs and she expressed deep appreciation, said essentially that without that we probably wouldn’t be together because of her history. “That thing you love about me—being sensitive to you? I’m also sensitive about me.”
It might be an issue of differing etiquette. I’ve always been raised to never confront a friend, spouse, family member, boss, teammate, whatever in front of their peers. It’s viewed as “undercutting them” and extremely, extremely rude. If something is a problem, you talk about it in private, not interrupt them or say “not now honey” in front of their friends. In a very busy social event I could easily see “in private” not being a thing that can happen until after the event.
(Obviously there’s a provision for OH MY GOD STOP THAT RIGHT NOW OR THE SPACESHIP WILL SELF DESTRUCT AND KILL ALL LIFE ON EARTH scenarios, as well as things like design meetings where the purpose is to argue so you can arrive at the best solution, but this was neither of those).
I don’t think whether you go again is really the issue here. We all have differences, and we all make concessions and compromises in order to work together in relationships. But the concession you need here makes her feel that she’s “walking on eggshells.”
So truth be told, there a million guys in the world who would have been laughing and posting on Facebook five minutes after the fact about the hilarious thing that just happened. But that has no relevance here. The relevant fact is that you were frightened, and worried, and embarrassed, and would have been at least six months before you were ready to treat it as funny. She should know this by now.
And truth be told, there are a million women in the world who would have asked before telling such a story, to make sure you were OK with it; and who would have felt truly sorry and responded by soothing and nurturing when they found out you were hurt. That also is irrelevant. What’s relevant is that anything other than it being automatically OK feels to her like “walking on eggshells” and she feels drained by the necessity of soothing and nurturing.
It sounds like you also felt wronged before you even got there. (designated driver vs valued companion) which is IMHO an even bigger issue than you have identified in the OP.
I’m afraid I don’t have a solution, my only real contribution is this: If you are asking whether this is a big deal, the answer is yes. Yes it is. And my only advice is to put off any long-term commitments unless/until you are certain these issues have been worked out.
Damn, glad you are OK! I’d never tell a story like that about my boyfriend, or even a friend or acquaintance I didn’t like very much. Some things just aren’t funny to me. I can see how that’d be a funny thing if it happened on TV or to a stranger, as long as the guy was OK. But she doesn’t draw a distinction? To me, that indicates she doesn’t take you seriously.
You’re not too sensitive. But you’re definitely too sensitive for her. The fact is you guys seem to have a serious fundamental personality mismatch, and IDK how you’ve made it this long with her.
My sister once described some members of my family something like this: “We’re happy to help people out etc. and we don’t need a parade of recognition for doing it. But damn, we don’t tolerate being kicked in the teeth after we’ve done it, either.” This falls under the “no good deed goes unpunished” category. Honestly I didn’t mind doing it. I’m fine with the give and take and it wasn’t a horribly boring event or anything. I mean, suppose your s.o. asked you to go to A) church B) the ballet C) high tea D) her knitting circle…actually from least enjoyable to most, you have my answer, ABCD. But maybe you’d rank them differently. This was more enjoyable than church, in any case.
Another thing keeps kicking around in my brain. Suppose for instance that you were dating a celebrity. I’ll take Penelope Cruz…you’ll have to find someone else.
Sounds great, right? The celeb has all this money and adulation, travels to exotic places, yadda. But after awhile, as someone in the entourage, you’re hounded by paparrazi, crazy fans are trying to break into your hotel room, death threats come in the mail, you’re forever living out of a suitcase, can’t break wind without the press reporting it, etc. What I’m saying is that with something good, maybe some bad is inevitable. It would be easy, too, to throw a pity party and say “Oh woe is me, the hassles of stardom!” etc. and pretend that there weren’t some choice benefits associated with it.
I went with her to this event (she loves me!) as the designated driver (I rock!) to an event that wasn’t my cuppa (what a guy!) because I’m sensitive to her needs. But my needs? I know I’m sensitive…and we’ve been here before. In the best of all worlds, when we go to something like this the red flags would go off in her head before we ever got in the car. ‘He’s sensitive around people he doesn’t know. I want him to be comfortable. I want him to share these things with me. I love being able to cut loose, knowing he’ll be driving instead of me. I love him and he’s worth it.’ Suppose I were a diabetic and she kept saying, “Hey, let’s go get ice cream!”
Look, what exactly about the story made you feel so “diminished”? Did she say “This is my boyfriend Joe and wait till you hear how fuck all stupid HE is!!!” and then continue? Come on man. If she meant the story in good humor (and it was in good humor; no one was hurt, your potential for hurt doesn’t count) then learn to laugh at yourself a little! you think YOU’RE the sensitive one but you’re wrong; SHE is obviously very sensitive to being told she made you feel the fool. She had a great time at her party, didn’t realize she did anything wrong and then as soon as you leave you give her the “You hurt my feelings” bit with the silent treatment and ruin everything. Come on, man.
Bottom line: People have to feel comfortable with their partners; my BF told a story about me to clients that DID make me look stupid and I didn’t appreciate it, but I laughed at the time so that it didn’t cause and scene and later I told him that I felt really kind of stupid while he was telling it (and it was something really stupid that I did, not an accident). He said he wouldn’t tell it again and then later I got over my embarrassment at doing the stupid thing and MYSELF now tell the story to clients and everyone get a laugh. Because it WAS funny and stupid at the same time. It’s all OK, no one thinks I’m an idiot for having a momentary lapse of sense. Get over yourself already is what I mean.
I’m guessing, like stated above, that she’s entirely over wondering what she can and can’t say that will make you upset and she just wants to have the kind of relationship where she tells a story like that and you jump in and add to it and you both laugh and have fun. Instead, unfortunately, she has the opposite and has to wonder if her night is going to end up ruined because she mentioned an incident that embarrasses you.
If I were you, I would tell her something like “Look, I’m really sorry about last night. The truth is, the fireplace incident made me feel really foolish at the time and stupid and when you retold the story I was worried people would see me that way. I know now that people didn’t. I’m sorry for my overreaction and I promise in the future to remember that stories like that are told in the spirit of humor, not cruelty.” or something. And she should apologize for losing her temper and swearing like a child because that’s uncalled for too.
See if you can lighten up some and relax around her and see if she can re-evaluate her social interactions and maybe things will work out. But as long as you interpret her social story telling in jest as cruelty, you will get nowhere and she will wisely go find someone that she can just relax around.
Yep, neither of you is a bad person, but she isn’t compatible with you. She finds mishaps funny - you are not willing to overlook being the butt of a joke. That isn’t going to end well. And it isn’t that she is a bad person, its that she sees the humor in the situation and really doesn’t understand - and never will - why being laughed at is problematic - she probably laughs with when she does something stupid.
I’m like her, so I don’t think what she is doing is mean and I think your overly sensitive - but I have enough sense to also know that’s because I’m like her and if I were the sensitive one, I’d think you were right. So, no one is “right” and no one is “wrong” and if you marry you’ll have a lifetime of hurt feelings.
If I were guessing, I’d guess she grew up in a family where storytelling is valued and teasing is a form of showing affection. You aren’t going to change years of habits
I dated a woman like you when I was younger. It was freakin’ exhausting, and I described it as “walking on eggshells,” and I was so glad when we broke up.
I know you’re fine giving her processing time and giving some time before the conversation and all, but the thing is, she doesn’t want a conversation about everything. You know those deep relationship conversations where you establish things and figure out who did what wrong? Not all relationships have those all the time. They’re not necessary. Like 90% of the time that something’s bothering you, it’s fine to shrug, decide it’s not that important, and not sweat the small stuff.
It sounds to me like you get a lot of energy through “processing”–another word for which is “drama.” I don’t, and it sounds like she doesn’t either.
That said, of course an apology was in order. It should have sounded like this:
You don’t need to explain to her that you take yourself too seriously. You don’t need to explain to her that you’ve freaked out over an innocuous story she’s told. You don’t need to do that because if you actually ARE sensitive to others (instead of just being wrapped up in your own perception of slights) you’ll realize that telling her why you freaked out is going to make her start questioning her own actions and make her feel guilty, no matter how you phrase it, and the follow-up to that unnecessary guilt will be resentment.
It was a tremendous relief to me when I broke up with my processing, drama-craving girlfriend, when I stopped walking on eggshells all the time. Take that for what it’s worth.
This is why personality mismatches cause relationship problems. It is easy to resent the other person for not accommodating your needs.
You’re aware when she slips up and does something insensitive. What you may not be aware of is the hundreds of times she bites her tongue or modifies her speech to keep the peace.
She is aware of the times you complain about an offense. What she may not know about is the hundreds of times you’ve shrugged things off and let things to go to keep the peace.
It is normal to feel as if you’re the one making all the sacrifices, while the other person is allowed to be themselves. In reality, it’s probably not so black and white.
If you want to keep this relationship going, both of yall need to be honest with yourselves and each other. Is holding it in all the time worth it in the long run? Is this a sustainable union?
Maybe you’re oversensitive and maybe you’re not, but this is an aspect of your personality. Do you really want to live your life apologizing for your feelings all the time? Doesn’t sound like fun.
This sounds more like she usually restricts herself from eating ice cream, out of consideration for you, the diabetic. But at the party she ate a little ice cream since ice cream was on the menu and hey, everyone is eating it. Why not? She figured you would understand this tiny foray.
Exactly. I would never undercut my SO in front of others. Especially coworkers. Nor would I tell a “look how stupid my girlfriend is” story. I’m not seeing the OP as particularly sensitive. You don’t make your SO the butt of jokes in front of people they barely know.
I’m not trying to be ungentle here, but this last paragraph screams high drama. If my boyfriend ever said anything remotely like this to me, I would laugh at him. Because he’d have to be playing a joke on me. If he weren’t, then I would have to quit him.
Have you ever talked to a therapist? I’m not one who recommends counseling at the drop of a hat, but I do think your perception of events might be unhealthily negative and overly personalized. For instance, it strikes as me perfectly normal that your GF would invite you out simply because you’re her boyfriend and she didn’t want to go solo if others were going with their SO’s. But instead of taking that invitation at face value, you’ve read an ulterior motive into it. “Oh, she only wants me to come along to be a designated driver.” Did she say this were her intent? Why make such a negative assumption?
If she only wanted you to be the DD, then she probably would have ignored your presence at the event. Instead, she relayed (what she thought was) a humorous anecdote to her colleagues about you, so that you could be included in the conversation and share some laughs with the others. Would you have preferred that they ignored you and proceeded to gab about work-related stuff? Perhaps your GF was worried about alienating you (and having to hear you complain about this later on), so she went out of the way to be inclusive. How frustrating it must’ve been then for her when she discovered this gesture was interpreted as an insult!
I think this is a problem that will follow you regardless if you stay with your gf. This is why I think it might be a good idea to talk to someone.
Not everyone sees such things as humorous, or bonds together over shared foibles and misfortunes. And even if you know it’s meant in good humor it can be tiring if that’s all anyone ever seems to recognize about you. My question to the OP is whether your gf acknowledges, either in public or in private, your strengths or your better qualities. Does she ever tell stories about something awesome you did?
I think lobotomyboy63 is making way too much out of what happened. What happened to his shirt was hilarious if for nothing else than the visual effect. The visual effect is amusing but it doesn’t make the person a moron for catching his shirt on fire. If I had been in his place when she told the group what happened, I think I would have laughed along with the rest and added that it could happen to anyone. I have to go with her on this one. :dubious:
I am just going to say what I am thinking. I am sure you are a great guy and this may not reflect you at all, but maybe my honest perspective will give some clues as to why she is acting like she is. Don’t take this personally, I can only call it as I see it based on your posts.
It sounds to me like you didn’t want to be there in the first place, you probably were making that abundantly clear through the event (even if you made some half-hearted gestures), and then you started complaining and criticizing her as soon as it was over, immediately harshing her buzz, and that is what set her off.
This may be my own baggage, but nothing, nothing, nothing is worse in a relationship than going to a much-anticipated event only to have your partner decide to hang like a wet blanket over it. I’ve had many wonderful evenings pretty much ruined by a partner who decided that he couldn’t stomach his preferences being on the back burner for an evening and that he needed to make his own boredom center stage by pouting, freezing me out, asking to go home at the first possible opportunity and generally just not playing along. Doing that WILL set me off, because the realization that we can’t do things together unless it’s his agenda is poisonous to a relationship.
Anyway, the way I’ve gotten around this is to not even invite the whiney partner to events and just doing my own thing socially. It’s not a great system-- we miss out on a lot of potential shared memories-- but it beats having to babysit his ego every time I want to see my friends.
This is pretty much exactly what I’m thinking. Combined with two other things:
Why don’t you trust her? Why don’t you trust that she wanted you to be there? Why don’t you trust that she tells funny stories about you because she knows that it will get you in with the group, that it will lend them insight into your relationship, include you, make you likeable etc?
Once I was at a restaurant and I squeezed a slice of lemon, squirted juice into my eye and squealed. My SO rubbed my knee for a second and asked if I was ok. I was, but was just blinking and rubbing my eye. It was really funny afterwards, and people teased me with slices of lemon, saying “watch out for your nemesis!”. Now, what do you think of me? Do you think any less of me? Do you think I’m a fool? Do you look down on me? What would you think if you heard your own story about catching fire?
ETA and also what even sven said, I have experienced that too.
Honestly, Bernie–can I call you Bernie?–you should console yourself. Once the flared tempers die down, you’ll still have your warm feelings toward each other, and even if you break up, you’ll know that she’ll always carry a torch for you.
Did the two of you laugh a bit about your fire accident after it was over? If so, then she probably felt free to use it as an amusing anecdote, in which case your reaction was probably (and maybe rightfully) seen as a landmine she didn’t know was there.