Just Broke Up With Long-Term Girlfriend

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

We’ve been together for 5 years and have had maybe two fights per year. I’ve had this persistent anxiety that she does not care for me as much as I do for her…certain little graces I afford her that she doesn’t return. I’m one of those sensitive types, and she isn’t. When I’ve asked her before if she loves me she says things like, “I’m here, aren’t I?”

Today - hours after she uncharacteristically yelled at me over a misunderstood word, I told her, “I think we’re done.” She looked at me blankly for a moment, said “okay”, and went to smoke a cigarette outside. I was taken aback by the lack of any reaction, but she said I had “made up my mind already” when I inquired about it.

She packed a backpack and quickly left for ‘I-don’t-know-where’. I’ve been sitting here for 4 hours Googling my anxieties and getting intoxicated. I don’t even know if I did the right thing anymore. I love this woman; we are best friends and both faithful. Am I being unreasonably insecure? :frowning:

2

You did the right thing. “I’m here, aren’t I?” is not the correct answer to “Do you love me?”.

3

Hmmm. We have a similar issue. My hubby is not effusive. Older than I by almost ten yrs it’s a generational difference in part. That real man = no emotion, thing, I expect.

And there are times when I really come up against it. I want a little warm, soft, gentleness of word. And, whether he means to or not, every now and again something slips out that reveals all. Often not in what he says to me, so much as something I inadvertently hear him say about me, to another.

As it happens I am a wonderful cook. My friends adore coming over to eat and pay me many wonderful compliments, which pleases me greatly. But I didn’t know I was a good cook until they told me! It’s true! When I was still learning, I would inquire of Mr few words, “Well? Did you like it?” His response was always, “I ate it, didn’t I?” So that can be sort of frustrating, as you can imagine.

But here’s the thing, I KNOW this man would die for me, could not ever cheat, and will never leave me, would go with me anywhere or through anything. I know it as sure as I know the sun will rise tomorrow. Much as I would prefer he be more expressive, I often reflect on to what possible end? If I truly ‘know’ of his profound connection to me, what is it I’m lacking exactly? Come down to it, not much.

He’s a man of few words, the strong silent type, and that’s not gonna change. But he has other charms, as do we all. Upside? When he actually does crack out a revealing, expressive, sentiment it delivers LARGE!

I understand where you’re coming from and wish you good luck!

4

There are some life lessons to be learned here:

If you have to ask your partner if she loves you, that can be problematic. Whether it be apathy on her part. Or insecurity on yours… Keep in mind, it can be quite tiresome to constantly have to reassure your partner that “yes” you do indeed love them.

Speaking to the: “I love her more than she loves me”: 1.) This is a common insecurity, do your best to keep those thoughts out of your head. Some CBT may be in order. 2.) Having said that, don’t be a fool, if you’re putting more into a relationship than you’re getting out of it, get out!.
And lastly, never bluff your partner expecting to evoke an emotional response. Because, as you well know, sometimes they will call your bluff.
If you still want to work things out with this girl, I suggest the first thing you do is apologize for your “I think we’re done” statement. Tell her you we’re trying to evoke a response, and now you regret it.

Who know? maybe if you’re the first one to offer an olive branch, maybe she’ll humble herself too in kind.

Best wishes.

(Man, I had to learn the part in red the hard way. And on more than one occasion!!:smack:)

5

I’m sorry you broke up with your girlfriend, Dr. Crap. (Your user name makes me smile.) Being as how you guys just fought a few hours ago, could it be there’s still a possibility of making up again?

I recognize my own behavior in the way you describe your girlfriend. I would have a hard time responding, “Of course I love you!” after I’d just been instructed to say it.

I also take people at their word and don’t expect to be played with. To my mind, if you say we’re done, then we must be. And I wouldn’t want to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing how they’d hurt me, so I’d go quietly.

You may be right that you feel more for her than she does for you, but I thought I’d give my interpretation of her reactions.

6

:eek:
Too early for acronyms.

7

Never too early for computer based training. It’s important to keep your skills current with your industry.

8

I thought CBT stood for “communists baking toast”. My communist makes excellent toast.

9

More, importantly, this is not the correct response:

If the relationship was worth saving, I would expect more of “I’m sorry babe, I overreacted,” or some such thing. Someone who can quickly accept “we’re done” didn’t have to travel far to get there.

I also agree with others that you don’t say “we’re done” unless you mean it. That is a sign the relationship is in trouble all by itself. Relationships can be pretty drama-free, but you need the right two people, and they have to be at the right place in their lives.

10

Since we’re doing jokes,

You should have tacked on, “Now…that I…can dance!” (Watch me now!):slight_smile:

Hope things work out for the best.

11

Yes, you are being unreasonably insecure.

I say that with plenty of experience in the insecurity department. I certainly do not mean to be harsh.

My current wife gives the same answer: “I’m here, aren’t I?” And you know what, that means more to me than easily parroted words like “I love you.” There are probably countless more interesting and entertaining places and people and lives that she could have chosen over me, and yet she chooses to be with me.

Don’t fret that you feel like you care more for her than she does for you. I don’t know how anyone measures that, and if it were possible, I don’t know how any one couple could ever expect to achieve a perfect balance so that it is all equal. So, by force, one party must care more for the other in any relationship. Would you rather that she care more for you than you care for her? Regardless of who “cares more,” as long as she cares for you a lot (and having invested five years into a relationship, she probably does), why not be happy with that? Many people go through life without anyone who truly cares for them.

From her standpoint, I could see her feeling like this: “So I raised my voice at him out of frustration over some stupid thing because reasons, and then hours later he comes in and calmly tells me ‘We’re done.’ What the fuck is that? I thought we had more going on than that? If that’s all it takes to get him to say ‘We’re done,’ maybe we don’t have as much here as I thought…and if he was just trying to shock me or something, well, I don’t want to play that game.”

“I love this woman; we are best friends and both faithful.” That being the case, I hope you have already reached out to her and apologized and, since this happened last night, you are both currently hot and sweaty and exhausted from an afternoon of make-up sex.

Seriously, I hope things look and feel a lot better today than they did in the middle of the night last night.

12

Since she defined love as being there, and she is no longer there, then she has answered your question about whether she loves you. Even if she said those 3 magic words, it doesn’t mean anything. Lots of people say “I love you” because its easy and keeps the other person happy.

13

Its hardly as simple as that considering he was the one that ended things.

14

Saying “I think we’re done” is a really weak breakup line. It was just a recognition of the obvious, since she said she had made up her mind already. She broke up with him, he just finally recognized it.

15

If my partner said “I think we’re done” I would say “ok” and go pack. I know it can be a problem with communication styles, but since I don’t say “I think we’re done” unless I mean it 100%, I believe other people are also 100% sure when they say the same. (Hint: if I say “I’ve just realized I don’t want to see you ever again,” going down on a knee and proposing isn’t gonna trigger burbling white doves and violin music)

Can the OP’s relationship be saved? Maybe. I’m not the GF, I don’t know. Is it worth saving? Again, I’m not either party.
Vicsage, she said HE had made up his mind. She doesn’t say something like “I think we’re done” unless it means “we’re done”. From her, it wouldn’t be a request to make up, it would be the part where the credits roll in. And that is how she interpreted it from him.

16

You are right, I misread it.

17

Breakups don’t happen that easily unless they should happen.

18

Exactly. It sounds like there was no connection left, and each one was, however unconsciously, just waiting for the other to pull the ripcord.

To the OP: It’s done. Focus on moving on, and think of this as a chance to find someone new who actually meets your emotional needs in the way that you want.

19

“I’m here, aren’t I?” is likely to become a standard expression of affection in the Jackmannii household. :slight_smile:

20

Based on hard experience fishing for “I love you” out of a taciturn person, which makes people redouble their efforts in many cases, is generally not going to end well. Sex roles being what they are it’s annoying, but tolerable when a woman does it to a man, but when an emotionally needy man does it to a not that effusive woman it’s often looked upon as an annoying weakness and the more the person is pressed for it the more they resist giving it.

It’s an old trope that a couple will break up because (lets say) he didn’t want to get married or she didn’t want to have a baby etc. and yet post breakup the next time you seem them out with a new SO there’s an engagement ring on his dates hand or a baby in the oven of the non-baby having woman.

Radio advice giver Dr. Laura for all her faults had one sage bit of advice for a woman who called in crying that her ex left her because she wanted children and he did not, now he was having a child with another woman. Dr. Laura said “You need to understand that when he said he did not want to have a kid was that he actually meant was that he did not want to have one with you”.

So the upshot is you’re probably better off without her and not begging for verbal reassurance from someone who is not willing to give it to you. And yes, she will probably cover up her next BF with heartfelt “I love you’s”, but you are not going to get any so you need to move on.