We were together six years.
Mundane and pointless.
We were together six years.
Mundane and pointless.
It’s weird…in a reversal of traditional gender stereotypes, I wanted to settle down but she didn’t. She’s 28 but spends every cent she has (though she doesn’t skip out on bills, so it could be worse) going out with her friends 3-4 times per week. I had gone out with her occasionally, but I just can’t keep up with that. Plus I’m boring so I stay at home a lot. We live together, BTW. I try to make plans to do something fun on weekends but she’ll just never turn down her friends’ invitations…and they (all single, as it happens) invite her practically every day.
Anyway, this past weekend she went out on Friday night, slept over (at a female friend’s place, she says), came back on Saturday afternoon, went out again that night, and spent the night again at another friend’s place and came back early Sunday evening. Then she went out Tuesday night for “happy hour” which was really “happy seven hours” and when she came back we had a huge fight. I genuinely don’t think she was cheating on me, but WTF do I know. I’ve just been really pissed that she doesn’t seem to value me.
So I decided to break things off, and she’d apparently come to the same decision. I’ve never felt this way before though - a mix of utter devastation and relief.
Thanks for asking.
That sounds like what happened with me and my girlfriend two weeks ago.
Only in her case, she would turn down the chance to be with her friends to spend the time with me, then hold it against me that she never saw her friends or family. She let that sort of resentment build for months before saying doing anything about it.
And what she did about it was make me feel like she’d just been wasting her time with me when we saw each other when she could have been out having fun with her friends. She made me feel like all she was doing while with me was wondering what her friends were doing and wishing she was anywhere but with me.
I understand your feeling of devastation and relief perfectly. If you want to vent more privately, you may do so in private message to me, since it truly was just two weeks ago that my girlfriend and I broke up, so it’s all fresh with me still.
Sleeping over a friend’s place? So that’s what they call it these days.
Like I said, I just didn’t get the vibe that she was cheating on me, though I also bought AMD stock so my judgment is very possibly impaired.
To be honest, if everyone’s too drunk to drive I’d rather her not risk it, but in the end I just can’t handle this twice a week.
I wasn’t trying to be mean. That’s just what I inferred from your post.
Sounds like she’s in a different place than you are. That’s OK, but not ok for a relationship. The “utter devastation” you said you’re feeling will fade … the “relief” will probably grow with time. Six years is a long time to be together, but if I’ve got your ages down from the timeline, it’s incredible common for people to grow, and change - or not grow, and not change - at that point in their lives, and if they’re in relationships, the tendency is to grow and change (or not … ) in different directions.
FWIW just from what I get from your OP and with absolutely nothing else to go on … I think you made the right decision. Hell, if she went along with it, then I amend that: it was definitely the right decision.
For what it’s worth, I think you made the right call. Sleeping over somewhere else multiple nights in a week is not cool; drinking so much that she can’t drive home multiple times per week is not cool. Making you wonder just whose house she’s sleeping at is not cool.
Being someone who likes to stay at home isn’t necessarily boring, though - it just means that you have different interests than going out to a bar and drinking. It sounds more like you are in a place where you want to get married and start a family and all that stuff - doing that with someone who just wants to party wouldn’t be a good idea.
I think it’s more than just a “stage of life” thing. I think it’s a basic personality component. Some people feel the need to go out and socialize every chance they get. Others are homebodies, happy to curl up in their corner of the world. While compromises can be made, it requires work on both people’s parts. Even then, it just may not work out.
And, you know, ReticulatingSplines, that’s okay. Breakups are hard, but in the end, their are less horrible than staying in a broken relationship. I won’t blow smoke up your ass and tell you that there’s someone out there for you, but at least you are now available if a someone comes your way. In the meantime, live for you.
Agree with what everyone else has said, but I’ll add this. The sense of relief you will get to in a few weeks will outweigh the sense of loss. You’ll come to look back at this as “why did I put up with that behavior for so long” and be honestly better off.
If this is as raw as happening in the last few days, there will be a temptation by one of you to have a “maybe we can work this out” moment. If you have been truthful in your OP, don’t do it. I have been in exactly the situation you are in, almost verbatim, and I waffled when I should have bailed. It extended the inevitable about another 6 months.
Push through the difficult parts coming up (the moving out, the wondering, the temptations) and get to the goodness on the other end.
Your choice, do it now, or do it later, but sooner or later you will have to do it. People like your GF do not change their stripes.
That was a great line. At least your sense of humor is intact.
There is someone in IMHO looking for a girlfriend. Maybe we can give him her number?
Yes, agree with the good advice posted on this thread. You’ll come to enjoy your freedom and the fresh start. Best wishes on the new adventure.
Appreciate the comments, all. I can’t tell you how much it helps to have an outside perspective - I lost all objectivity inside the relationship. A few times I’ve thought, “yeah, she goes out all week and sometimes doesn’t come home, but maybe I’m being too controlling.” One time she wanted to go out with them on Christmas! Is shit even open on Christmas? I thought that was weird but they made me feel like I was trying to chain her to the kitchen or something. So my perspective got skewed and it’s in even more disarray right now. Seems like such a trivial thing to break up over, in retrospect. Accordingly, the sentiments are much appreciated, thank you.
I’m only presenting the worst side of her and she did have a lot of wonderful traits. I guess that’s why we lasted so long. There just didn’t seem to be any options; she said she’s never going to change (actually, she said her need to go out is getting “worse,”) and I think the whole paternal “let’s make a deal where you can go out one time per week” is somewhat condescending and even counterproductive. But now, she can move into one of those flats with a bar on the bottom floor and I can get a dog and hopefully we’ll both be happier in the end.
Surprisingly, I don’t feel as bad right now as I thought I would. That may mean I have a monumental breakdown lurking in the wings.
I’m about your age (assuming you are around the same age as your ex-gf), and about 18 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of five and a half years. My only regret is not doing it sooner.
Looking back over the years there were a few relationships that I wish now I would have broken off much sooner than what I did. If something does not seem right for any reason it probably isn’t. You made a good call.
You broke up over time. That is not trivial. I’m not saying you should give up everything in a relationship, but if it’s genuinely bothering one member and the other member doesn’t care, that’s not good.
Go and do something fun for yourself now.
It was a good decision you made. You both want fundamentally different things out of a relationship so you should both be free to find the person right for you. Before I married I had a couple of those relationships, and it was really worth waiting for someone who pretty closely matched my level of socializing (occasional with a friend or two and rarely club/bar/party oriented).
When I told my friends I had broken up with my girlfriend, most of my friends responses were, “Finally! You’re free! Hooray!” etc. It was apparent to everyone but me that I wasn’t happy around her - and for quite a long time, too.
It is a bit of an adjustment to no longer have a companion to vent to and shoulder to lean on when things get rough. But, I don’t think that’s a valid reason to stay with someone who doesn’t make you happy. Go out and find someone better.
I think I have a tendency to view the past through rose-tinted glasses, and when we broke up, I realized that I might look back and regret the decision at some point. Knowing this, I wrote an email to myself and described exactly why I broke it off, how I was feeling, why I judged it to be the right move, etc. It was a way to remind my future self how it actually felt rather than let myself erroneously remember only the good stuff.
Hey, that’s a great idea!