Overnight guests in *my* dorm room...

Dear Beloved Roomie:

I am very glad that you have decided that you’ve found love, albeit over the Internet. This is a very exciting time for you. But why, dear God, why must you and your boyfriend meet?

I don’t trust this guy. He’s 28 fucking years old. You’re 18. He’s driving 2 days to visit you. And all you want to do is kiss? Maybe hold each other a little bit? When you’ve done more online? You’re really sure that’s all HE wants to do?

Why didn’t this guy visit you when you were living with your parents. Yes, I know…they would never have approved of this. Has it occurred to your little, hormone-addled mind that perhaps they had reasons for this? That perhaps they realize something that you don’t. Maybe they’re paranoid, but maybe you’re naive.

I don’t want this guy in our dorm room. You’ve never met him, and I don’t care who this asshole is, I don’t trust him. If you’re stupid enough to ignore my warnings, fine, get raped, if that’s what he intends to do. But don’t drag me into it. How fucking selfish is that. Yeah, I know, he probably isn’t a rapist, but, if he is, and you invite him in here, you’re inflicting him on another person.

And, yes, I know I have an internet boyfriend who you’ve said can stay here. But I wasn’t looking for romance, unlike you. He’s not ten years older than I am. We’ve met before–we’d met before we even started “going out”–and when we did, it was under the watchful eyes of parents. if anything–and I mean anything–had looked fishy, you’d bet that the offended’s parents would have pulled their child out of there at warp speed.

You have an 18 year-old female roomate to protect you, and, even though she might be psychotic, she probably poses no physical and/or social threat to your guy.

You’ve been in college for all of one week now. Your parents have let you loose. Their fucking mistake.

Sucky. Can you stay with a friend while the guy is in town?

You might be able to prevent him staying in your room. I know when I was in the dorms, there was a stipulation in the dorm contract that you wouldn’t have guests stay the night without permission from your roommate. I assume (maybe incorrectly) that your campus would have similar rules. Go tell the desk staff, Residence/Peer/Community Advisor, or whomever you have to about her ensuing guest. You have to protect yourself.

Course, that probably will mean that you’ll have a miserable semester with that roommate. You could try to switch rooms, but it’s such an inconvenience to you, and you’ve done nothing wrong.

Oh, um. Fuckwit ewe felching taint-sweat-bead roommate. Yeah.

This is a rant in the purest sense. Advice won’t work; this guy allegedly isn’t going to stay in the room. I’ll believe that shit when I see it, personally. The issue has been discussed with our RA.

During the weekends, I sleep fairly odd hours, and I will be sleeping during visitation hours. Therefore, he can come in whenever the hell he wants.

I’ll probably just deadbolt them out of the room. O:-)


When I lived in barracks, I always used a fairly good rule to keep such a situation from occurring with any of my room-mates.

The room-mate had a choice if having an overnight guest:

[list=1][li]Stay at a motel with the guest and thus leaving the room to me.[/li][li]Paying me the price of a motel so I could go stay there and not be bothered with the bullshit.[/list=1][/li]
Let us know if you convince your roomie to follow this plan.

Allow me to introduce myself, AotL. I have an online girlfriend. I’ve done more than kiss her online. And when I visit her (I hope) later this year, mostly what’ll be important to me is just coexist in the same general space as her for a few days. Seriously . . . I mean, more would be plenty interesting, but the little things are what I miss with her.

Can’t speak for your roommate, but my girlfriend’s parents would have grounded her for an unimaginable time had they found out about me, let alone if I’d visited.

My girlfriend’s parents believe that the internet is evil. By association, they think the people on it are sex-starved perverts who only want one thing. Maybe that has something to do with it in your roomie’s case as well.

Do you have any evidence that he’s ever done anything illegal? Are you going purely on the fact that your roommate has never met this fellow? Because the assumption that, due to A) his age and B) the relationship being purely online, he’s a rapist is rather insulting. I’ve never thought of myself as a rapist based purely on those premises . . . should I?

God forbid that someone be allowed to make their own decisions or even gasp a mistake.

As I mentioned earlier, I have an online boyfriend. I know that there are reasons for people to visit one another that don’t involve sex. I do think, however, that it is somewhat naive of her to think that there is no possibility of things getting out of hand.

My roommate’s parents have let her meet online friends before, even ones of the opposite gender.

No, you shouldn’t. Look, I’d be just as pissed if she were bringing random guys up here to spend the night. She’s admitted herself that she’s not sure whether she can trust him or not. And, for the third time, I’m in an online relationship. I’ve met people that I’ve met online IRL before. I’ve never suspected that any of them might do anything, but I still brought a parental figure with me. I’ve never asked a friend to come along instead. I’ve never inflicted my potential errors on another person. That’s what she’s doing right now. She’s known me all of a week, and she’s already inflicting random guys upon me. Moreover, they’re guys that she isn’t sure that she can trust. If there’s even a semi-reasonable chance that this guy could be a rapist, I don’t want him in my room. I mean, there’s a reason for having locks on the doors: I don’t want anyone to be in here that I can’t either trust or watch. And I certainly don’t want a strange man in here while I’m asleep. Call me paranoid.

Look, I’m not going to keep her from making mistakes. I can’t do that, and I don’t have the right, anyway. I do, however, reserve the right to say that I think she’s being stupid. I also feel that it’s just of me to ask for her to please have this guy spend the night somewhere else. If not for reasons of safety, than at least as an act of common courtesy.

And what happened when the shoe was on the other foot, so to speak?


Then I selected one of the two choices myself. Fair’s fair, of course.

Ah well, it wouldn’t be fair to ask someone to do something you weren’t willing to do yourself.

Hey 'punha-- It sounds like she has real legitimate reasons to be concerned. The guy may be the second coming, fer gosh’s sake, but she’s got every right to be uncomfortable with the idea of a strange guy in her room. My best friend’s sophomore roommate brought strange guys in all the time. As she reported: “I walked in and found a naked one-eyed biker dude sitting on my bed.” (Not that there’s anything wrong with being a naked one-eyed biker dude.) But not everyone is comfortable with that.

Gabe–sometimes you have to trust your instincts. If this situation gives you the gold-plated heebie-jeebies, then you can be sure that there is something creepy about it. If your RA won’t give you a satisfactory answer, then go talk to housing services. They are there to help–and it sounds like this situation won’t sit well with them. Remember–your RA may be a real dodo. The housing services people have a lot more experience in dealing with this sort of thing.

And switiching roommates is no biggie. People do it all the time.

I feel for you, AoTL. I’m glad to hear you’ve discussed this with your RA. What is your university’s policy on people of the opposite sex staying overnight in a dorm room? Long ago and far away when I was in school, it wasn’t allowed. (Not that it never happened, of course.) Also, is this roomie someone you chose to room with, or was it just the luck of the draw?
iampunha, I don’t see why you’re giving her such a hard time. I personally don’t see why any resident of a dorm should be forced to have an overnight visitor of the opposite sex. I don’t care if her roommate is dating Albert Schweitzer. She is paying rent; this is her home. She should have the right to veto overnight visitors with no questions asked.

Um… so in your opinion, it’s unreasonable for her to be unhappy about the prospect of a COMPLETE STRANGER staying overnight in her dorm room? I’m sorry, but I don’t want someone that I don’t know sleeping in my house either. The roommate here can choose to spend the night with internet buddies if she wants, but she doesn’t have the right to expose her roommate to the potential danger, loss of privacy, etc that having a stranger spend the night would cause. She should get a hotel room.

That settles it. Schweitzer is God.

No, I think his point was that it is unreasonable to accuse someone you know almost nothing about of being a rapist.

I have met many women via internet over the years, some of them from long distance. I have always gone out of my way to make everything as comfortable and non-threatening as possible.

For example one woman who was coming to see me for a few days who lived a 5 hour drive away. I got a hotel room for her, if she wanted me to stay with her great. This way there is no way she ends up with nowhere to stay if she is uncomfortable with me in person.

I would be very uncomfortable with any situation where I had to surrender all control over housing and or transportation to someone I had never met. It would also suck to be stuck with someone you didnt want to be with for a few days because their plans were not compatible with an early return.

If me and the forementioned girl had a hate-at-first-sight experience I can go home, she crashes at the hotel and drives home tomorrow.

And this was suggested…where?

In the OP. Here:

In my opinion, it sounds like you are judging your roomie’s internet boyfriend unfairly. You told us you had an internet boyfriend yourself. Was he just the one special male that uses the internet who isn’t a rapist? Your friend may be wrong to bring him into your dorm, but the issue of “boyfriend in dorm” and “internet boyfriend” need to be separated.

  • Rob

I don’t see this as anyone saying that the guy is or even probably is a rapist. It’s just saying that YOU DON’T KNOW HIM and so he could be just about anything.

She doesn’t know him as well as her roommate does. So she suspects he has a, let’s say, “greater than average” chance of being a rapist. Even though she, as you said, DOESN’T KNOW HIM.

Need I repeat that she “DIDN’T KNOW” her internet boyfriend any better than her roommate knows her internet boyfriend, and still met him?

I’m not saying I’d want a guy I didn’t know in my bedroom if I were a girl. I’m saying I’d not be a hypocrite about it.

::sighs:: My dad and his mother came along the first time that we met. That way, we knew that we were protected should the other person turn out to be something that they’re not. We met in a K-mart instead of in a college dorm. We didn’t spend the night together, and I certainly didn’t drag any of my peers into the matter. Also, my boyfriend is not 10 years older than I am (although, admittedly, you can’t tell online, although, due to certain…vocal qualities, you could over the phone).

Point is, I took certain precautions. My roommate did not. As it turned out, the guy turned out to be mostly harmless, and he did sleep in the hotel room. Note, however, that he was in here long enough to delibrately read a rather private conversation that my boyfriend and I were having via AIM at two in the morning. ::mutters::

The fact that this guy was, in fact, harmless isn’t the point, however. Mroommate was stupid for having met him in this fashion, and just fucking inconsiderate for even suggesting that he sleep in our tiny, two bed, barely even enough room for us dorm room.