Quills
Society- porn is bad
deSade- porn is good
Priest- porn is bad, I want you naked
deSade- porn is good. I’ve written with my own feces.
priest, seeing laundry maiden- maybe porn isn’t so bad…
audience- what the hell?
American History X
Derek: I’m a white supremacist skinhead!
Goes to jail, pisses off other white supremacist skinheads. Is raped in the shower. Only black people are nice to him.
Derek: Damn! White people suck worse than black people. I’m a changed man.
Danny: Too late for me, though.
Moonstruck
Loretta: I have no luck. I will marry a fat, boring guy
Ronny: You love the wolf in me, that don’t make you no lamb.
passionate sex
Loretta: Snap out of it!
opera, more sex
Rose: Your life is in the toilet!
Everyone agrees. Illicit affairs are terminated, proposals are withdrawn, offered, and accepted.
Grandpa: I’m so confused!
laughter
Hey!
Evil Dead:
Four idiot college kids drive to a rundown, deserted, evil-looking cabin in the middle of nowhere with only one way out, screw around with a book of the dead, and have the nerve to look surprised when bad things happen.
THE END
Evil Dead 2:
Some people just don’t learn.
THE END
Army of Darkness:
Everyone: Ash is the enemy! Kill him!
Wise Man: But he might be able to help us fight the deadites.
Soldiers: Well, why didn’t you say so? Ash, don’t screw up.
(Ash screws up)
Everyone: You’re worthless! We’re out of here.
Ash: But I’ll help you fight the deadites.
Everyone: Well, why didn’t you say so? Don’t screw up.
(Ash screws up)
(The good guys win anyway, because deadites don’t have the strategic sense God gave cabbage.)
Ash (talking with coworker): So they said that getting back to the present would be safe, as long as I didn’t screw up.
(Everything goes dark and windy. Ash fires about 300 shots in a crowded department store and somehow only kills one possessed customer.)
Everyone: You saved us from your screwup! Our hero.
Ash: I rule!
THE END
And my second favorite trilogy …
The Godfather:
Vito: I’m bad.
Sonny: I’m bad.
Fredo: I’m a moron.
Michael: I’m good.
(Vito gets shot)
Michael: OK, fine, I’m bad.
(kills people)
Michael: I’m married. (Boom) Or not …
Vito: I’m sorry I got you into this. (dies)
Michael: Whatever, Pop.
(kills everyone who even looked at his family wrong)
Kate: I love you, Michael, but you’re bad.
Michael: But I can be good.
Kate: Works for me! (marries Michael)
THE END
Godfather II:
(lots of shooting)
Kate: Why us?
Michael: Well, I’m in the mob, you know.
Kate: But I thought you were going to be good.
Michael: That’s probably because you’re a moron.
(Michael leaves and makes really complicated deals and orders people killed.)
Kate: I want a divorce. Oh, by the way, I aborted your son.
Audience: Jesus, you really ARE a moron!!
(Michael orders more people killed and then sits around the house wondering what Frank Sinatra would do.)
Godfather III:
(Michael goes to a wedding and meets Sonny’s kid … and there’s this helicopter … OK, maybe I tuned out a little.)
Bonny and Clyde:
Bonny and Clyde: Robbing banks is fun, if you don’t take it too seriously!
Audience: Ha-ha, you’re right!
Old man: These two sociopaths have robbed, kidnapped and killed cops and civilians! They also ruined the life of my only son. I’m going to cooperate with law enforcement to get them off the streets!
Audience: Wahhhh!! You sadistic bastard!!
Junior:
Ahnold: Hey, gang, I play a pregnant guy who doesn’t kill one non-caucasian! Watch the fun.
Ahnold’s fans: Get real.
Bladerunner:
Deckert: I kill replicants. Maybe I am a replicant? I’m in love with a replicant. More human than human? Whatever. Get me the hell out of this depressing, rainy city.
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION
(Some KIDS are RECRUITED to pilot GIANT ROBOTS to FIGHT MONSTERS. The KIDS have NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS. Then GOD shows up. Then, ALL OF A SUDDEN, everything turns into a DAVID LYNCH MOVIE.)
Audience: WTF?
THE END