BATTLEFIELD EARTH
John Travolta
Look at me! I suck!
Screenwriter
Same with me!
(At this point, the director of the film DIES.)
Key Grip
Help me prop him up! We have to finish this god-awful film!
Audience
[dead.]
THE END!
BLACK HAWK DOWN
Audience: Oh, look. A Jerry Bruckheimer production.
(POPULAR MUSIC is played in a MONTAGE SEQUENCE introducing the CHARACTERS)
Officer: We need to go into Mogadishu and take out the bad guys. It should take an hour and a half.
Soldiers: USA! USA!
(BLACK HAWK DOWN. Lots of PEOPLE get SHOT and DIE. TENSION is RATCHETED UP to nearly INHUMAN LEVELS. JOSH HARTNETT makes a BRUCKHEIMER SPEECH)
Audience: Fuck. I need a cigarette or something.
Any David Lynch movie:
Female Character: I’m going to be played by a blonde actress first. Then I’ll die. Then a burnette actress will play another character with the same name.
Enter Dancing Midgets
Make sure there’s at least 42 women with beehives.
End
Audience: What?
Artsy-Fartsy Types: So deep and artistic. Just don’t ask me what it’s about.
The X-Files one is a true classic…
Tron (1982)
Geeks A, B & C: An evil computer system has taken control! We must stop it!
Geek C: Wow, hey, like… whoa… I’m inside a computer network.
Geeks A & B: We should visit that oracle in the network to get information in bringing down the evil computer AI!
Geek C: Time to take on the Boss at the end of the level to beat this game.
Audience: Wow, great CG.
The Matrix (1999)
See above.
(Loved Office Space, Libertarian!)
Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
Keanu Reeves: Whoa.
Alex Winter: Dude. Check it out.
(repeat)
Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey
Keanu Reeves: Whoa.
Alex Winter: Dude. That sucks.
(repeat)
The Matrix
Laurence Fishburne: The world is fake.
Keanu Reeves: Whoa.
Crossroads
Britney Spears: My dad is overprotective - I want to go see my mom.
Black friend: I want to go visit my boyfriend.
Pregnant friend: I’m pregnant.
Guy with car: I can drive you all to California.
Britney: Oh no, my mom doesn’t like me!
Black friend: Oh no, my boyfriend is a creep!
Pregnant friend: Oh no, I fell down the stairs and had a miscarriage!
Guy with car: I love you Britney!
Britney’s dad: I love you too, but not in the same way!
Britney: Wow! I think I should sing!
Kevin Smith’s New Jersey Trilogy
Clerks
Dante: I’m not even supposed to be here today!
Randall: C’mon, man… You know Han Solo and Chewbacca are doin’ it!
Veronica: Go to college, Dante.
Caitlynn: I just had sex with a dead guy!
Randall: Veronica, Dante wants to quit dating you.
Dante: I love Veronica now that Caitlynn is a nut job!
Veronica: I want to break up!
Dante: I hate you Randall!
Randall: It’s your own fault!
Dante: You’re right. Let’s be friends again.
Jay and Silent Bob: We like pot!
THE END
Mallrats
Rene: I want to break up because you play video hockey.
Brandi: I want to break up because you caused the death of Julie Dwyer.
Brodie and Quint: Let’s go to the mall!
Mr. Svenning: I hate Quint so much that I’ll give away my daughter on live TV!
Jay and Silent Bob: We like pot!
Brodie: Let’s ruin the show!
Shannon Hamilton: I like to f*** women in a very uncomfortable place.
Everybody: Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Quint: I love Brandi!
Brody: I love Rene!
Brandi and Rene: We love you!
Brodie: Shannon Hamilton is a pedophile!
THE END
Chasing Amy
Banky: We’re comic book artists!
Holden: I’m the artist. You’re a tracer.
Alyssa: I’m a comic book artist, and a lesbian, as well!
Holden: I love her!
Banky: She’ll just try to turn you into a eunuch.
Alyssa: Wait! I’m straight! I want Holden!
Banky: But he’s mine!
Jay and Silent Bob: We like pot!
Holden: Both of you should sleep with me!
Alyssa: I want to be a lesbian again. (Slaps him.)
Banky: I want to go be famous on my own.
Holden: I want to whimper about the loss of them both.
THE END
Dogma (A bit long… Maybe two minutes…)
Loki and Bartleby: We’re angels who have made God angry, so we’ve been shipped off to Wisconsin. But a loophole in Catholic dogma will allow us to return to heaven! Jersey, here we come!
Metatron: Bethany, you’ve got to stop them!
Bethany: No, because I’m a bitter woman who works at an abortion clinic.
Jay and Silent Bob: We were hanging out here at the abortion clinic, trying to pick up women, and we saved you from those hockey dorks. Oh, yeah… We like pot!
Bethany: I guess I should go to Jersey to stop those angels, then.
Rufus: I’m black! And so was Jesus!
Serendipity: Look! I’ve got THESE!
Azrael: We’ve got to stop them from stopping the angels! But first, I have to chew some scenery!
Bethany: Here we are in Jersey. Let’s stop the angels!
Jay and Silent Bob: Can we watch Serendipity run in slow motion again?
Serendipity: Hee-hee!
Rufus: I’m still black!
Metatron: By the way, Bethany, you’re Christ’s last decendent!
Bethany: I can’t do it!
GOD (disguised as Alanis Morrisette) and METATRON arrive just in time to stop BARTLEBY from entering the church.
Bartleby: I’m sorry. (Head pops like a tick.)
Bethany: I’m pregnant!
Jay and silent Bob: We love pot! It made us see God!
THE END
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jay and Silent Bob: We need the money!
Shannon Elisabeth: I’ve got THESE! And they’re bigger than Salma Hayek’s!
Chris Rock: I’m still black!
Jay and Silent Bob: We like pot!
THE END
-DCF
Back to the future (I, II and III)
**Michael J fox: ** Eek! a paradox!
[b[Christopher Lloyd: **Meh!
repeat
Charlotte’s Web
**Porcine: **Waaah! I don’t wanna be sausages!
**Some other animal: **Don’t worry, I’ll save you!
**Porcine: **You failed!
**Some other animal: **No, I didn’t!
**Porcine: **Phew!
Babe
See above
Gordy
Ditto
I think Mangetout owns stock in one of the companies that makes the commercials they show during coming attractions. With movies as short as his, there’s time left in that one minute for LOTS of commercials.
Her: I love you even though I’m Greek!
Audience: Haaaahahahahihihi…
Him: I love you even though I have three balls!
Audience: Aaaaaaaaaawww…
THE END
Neil Simon’s Autobiographical Trilogy: Brighton Beach Memoirs, Biloxi Blues & Broadway Bound
Eugene Morris Jerome
I’m Jewish.
Some Other Character
I’m Jewish too.
Cast
Fer chrissakes! We’re all Jewish!
THE END
THE FILTH AND THE FURY
Sex Pistols: We loved Sid, but hate Nancy and Malcom.
Johnny Rotten: (cries)
THE END
Gladiator
Ceasar: You win again, Maximus. (dies)
Ceasar’s Daughter: They sure did name you right, Maximus.
Ceasar’s Son: Kill him!
Maximus: Fuck you!
Ceasar’s Daughter: No! Fuck me!
Ceasar’s Son: You got it, sis!
Ceasar’s Son: Urggh! (Dies)
Maximus: mmmmm… (dies)
Ceasar’s daughter: Oh, water boy!..
Spartacus
Spartacus: I want to be free!
Slave owner: Here’s a sword for you, and some more for your friends. I have to go now!
Spartacus: Let’s kill our way to the sea and go on a cruise.
Senator: Let them go. They’re tacky!
(Fight scene)
Spartacus: Uggh! (dies)
Roman General: Oh, water boy!..
Mission: Impossible
Tom Cruise: What the hell is going on?
**Audience: ** (in unison) Beats me.
Days Of Thunder
Tom Cruise: Boo Hoo! I can’t do it! Ever!
Some Guy: Try harder.
Tom Cruise: OK, I can do it now.
Top Gun
(see Days Of Thunder)
**Withnail: **Bleaargh! I feel terrible, lets do lots of drink and drugs.
**Marwood: **I’d join you, but I’m the straight guy
**Monty: **I’m terribly, terribly homosexual, Oooh, Ducky!
**Marwood: **Aaaah! he’s homosexual!
**Withnail: ***(falls over) Cock, piss, arse!
**Marwood: **Bye!
The Doom Generation
Red, White, Blue: Let’s have sex in every combination amongst ourselves in between violence.
[They do. Then there’s a last bit of violence. The end.]
The Others
Them: The Others are ghosts!
The Others: They are ghosts!
Them: Ok.
THE END