Inspired by the Book-A-Minute site (http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/sff.shtml), I’d thought it would be a smashing idea to do our own humorous summaries of our favorite books! THE BLACK DAHLIA
by James Ellroy
Bucky Bleichert
I am obsessed with Elizabeth Short’s grisly murder. Lee Blanchard
As am I, plus we’re in love with the same woman.
(Dies) Bucky Bleichert
Too bad, you were nice. Now I have to descend into hellish journey through the underbelly of post-war Hollywood, to the core of the dead girl’s twisted life, past the extremes of our own psyches–into a region of total madness.
Frodo:
This ring is bad. It should be destroyed.
Aragorn:
I’m going to be king.
(Many dramatic battles and inner struggles)
Frodo:
The ring was destroyed.
Aragorn:
Now I’m king.
Crap! I already posted on your other fricking thread!
Oh well. Two can play at that game,** Torgo** old bean. You double up on the threads, I’ll simply…quote myself! Incestuous, perhaps, but I didn’t type all that crap just to watch it sink out of sight instantly. Ahem:
The Amazing Adventures of Kavlier and Clay by Michael Chabon
(SPOILERS, I guess…)
KAVALIER: I don’t like Nazis!
CLAY: I don’t like women! Let’s make comic books together!
[ years pass ]
KAVALIER: I’m going to kill Nazis. Marry my girlfriend for me.
CLAY: Will do.
[ years pass ]
KAVALIER: I’m back.
CLAY: Here she is. See ya!
THE END.
KAVALIER: Wait, I thought this was supposed to be about comic books?
CHABON: I got distracted.
For all you Diana Gabaldon fans (Outlander series) out there, here’s a great link to her books-in-a-minute from a message board devoted to the series. They are hilarious! http://www.lallybroch.com/LOL/booksiam.html
Winston: “I hate Big Brother.”
Julia: “Me too! Let’s have sex!”
Thought Police: “Gotcha!”
(Off to Room 101 for tourtre and brainwashing.)
Winston: “I love Big Brother!”
** Brave New World **
Bernard: “I’m short and ugly and pissed about it.”
Lenina: “I’m happy with casual sex and soma!”
Savage: “This place sucks!”
(Savage commits suicide.)
** Interview With The Vampire **
Louis: * “(Whine!) I hate being a vampire!”
Lestat: “I think it’s fun! Let’s have a baby!”
Claudia: “I hate Lestat.”
(Claudia dies)
(Lestat is injured)
Louis: “(Whine!) I hate being a vampire!”
** Gone With the Wind **
Scarlett: “I love you, Ashley!”
Ashley: “Sorry 'bout that. I love Melanie.”
Scarlett: “Fiddle Dee Dee!”
(War breaks out. Tara is trashed.)
Rhett: “I love you, Scarlett!”
Scarlett: “Fiddle Dee Dee! I love Ashley!”
(Melanie dies.)
Scarlett: “Oh my gosh! I love Rhett, not Ashley!”
Rhett: “Sorry 'bout that. I don’t give a damn.”
Scarlett: “Fiddle Dee Dee!”
OEDIPUS: Hi. This is my wife.
MESSENGER: Uh . . . that’s your mom.
OEDIPUS: Oh no!
(Puts out his eyes)
OEDIPUS: Does that make things better?
PEOPLE OF THEBES: Not really, no. Get out of here.
LYSISTRATA by Aristophanes
MEN OF ATHENS: We’re off to war!
LYSISTRATA: No sex until it’s over.
MEN OF ATHENS: Okay, we’ll stop.
LYSISTRATA: That was easy.
PARADISE LOST by John Milton
GOD: Whatever you do, don’t eat that.
SATAN: Oh, go ahead.
EVE: Crunch.
ADAM: Chomp.
GOD: Hit the road, you two.
SATAN: Snicker.
OTHELLO by William Shakespeare
IAGO: Your wife’s sleeping around.
OTHELLO: I’ll kill her!
(He does.)
IAGO: Just kidding!
Claudius: It’s good to be the king
Hamlet: ::brood::
Gertrude: Did you say something dear?
Hamlet: Only to myself.
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect.
Hamlet: Wrong play
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: oh, sorry.
Hamlet: To be or not to be…
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: Not to be
Ophelia: Not to be
Fortinbras: Have I been cut out again?
Laertes: Not to be
Gertrude: Not to be
Polonius: Not to be
Yorick: Definitely not to be
Hamlet: Give me some more time to decide…oh wait, poison. Righty oh. Not to be.
danielu@microsoft.com: I work at Microsoft. I am a disaffected symbol of my generation.
CO-WORKERS: We’re going to leave Douglas Coupland’s two-weeks-of-research version of Redmond and start a company in Douglas Coupland’s two-months-of-research version of Cupertino.
DANIEL: I’m in.
[ later ]
DANIEL: All this work and yet I am no closer to learning more about The Human Condition.
KARLA: Your mother has had a stroke. She can communicate only through this Macintosh computer.
MOM: i am here
DANIEL: Truly we have learned that computers are simply tools for helping us understand one another.
Bill: “There’s a monster killing little kids. Let’s kill it!”
Six other friends: “Okay!”
(Monster is felled by slingshot. Kids rejoice.)
(Twenty-eight years later)
Mike: “Oh, shit, it isn’t dead after all. Guys, get back here and finish the job!”
Remaining friends: “Okay!”
(Monster is felled by slingshot. Everybody goes home.)
** Guns, Germs, and Steel ** By Jared Diamond
The Europeans had guns, germs and steel. The natives did not, so the Europeans won.
** Cosmos ** By Carl Sagan
There’s a lot of cool shit in space. Check out the pictures!
** Memoirs of a Geisha ** by Arthur Golden
Sayuri: “I don’t want to be a geisha. Hey, look at that guy! I changed my mind!”
Mahema: “I’ll help you.”
Hatsumomo: “I’ll try to destory you, but will fall victim to my own corruption and evil.”
WW II breaks out. Sayuri gets her man.
** Animal Farm ** By George Orwell
Animals: “Two legs bad, four legs good. But birds are okay, too.”
Revolution!
Pigs: “Let’s symbolize the corruption of the Marxist ideal by taking power and keeping all of the other animals hungry while we live in luxury!”
Animals: “Well, we may be hungry and overworked, but at least it’s better than it was under the tyranny of the farmer!”
Or is it?
Jonas: I’m about to be a Twelve (with a capital T!)
Elders: And you’ll have a strange job.
Jonas: Huh?
Elders: You were not assigned, you were selected.
Jonas: Huh?
Elders: You are the new Receiver (with a capital R!)
Jonas: Huh?
Giver: Look Jonas, colors, feelings, happiness, death, the world!
Jonas: Wow! (Jonas and Gabe run away)
Lois Lowry: But you don’t really know how it ends, do you?
Reader: No, it’s quite ambiguous.
My own: Left Behind
The Rapture is here! We are saved!
Hey, wait a minute! Why am I still on Earth!?
Bridget Jones Diary
Bridget:This is what I ate. This is what I smoked. Everybody I know is stupid. I wanna screw my boss.
Everyone Bridget knows: Aren’t I a cute bundle of flaws and nerosis?
Bridget’s Boss: Aren’t I a jerk?
Bridget: Give me some cake, a beer, a few fags and a lottery ticket.
Bridges of Madison County
Her: I’m middle aged.
Him: Me too.
Her: Wanna screw?
Him: Sure, but I gotta go and you gotta stay.
Her: O.K…
RANDOM MIDDLE-EASTERN POTENTATE: I’m going to crush that upstart Tamburlaine! He is but a lowly shepherd!
TAMBURLAINE: Hey, underling, help me to overthrow your monarch and I’ll give you lots of booty!
UNDERLING: Will do!
TAMBURLAINE: Behold, I am the mighty Tamburlaine, and I’ve come to kick your butt!
RANDOM MIDDLE-EASTERN POTENTATE: Alas! I have been defeated by Tamburlaine!
TAMBURLAINE: Go me.
Alexei: I’m good
Ivan: I’m bad
Dmitri: I’m both
Smerdyokov: I’m epileptic
Fyodor(their father): I’m really bad and obnoxious
(Fyodor dies)
Alexei: I know it’s not me, but it could be either Ivan or Dmitri.
Ivan: Oh, it’s Smerdyokov, but I implied he should do it and am responsible as well.
Dmitri: I wish I wasn’t in prison.
Alexei: Yeah, me too.
