Write Your Book-a-Minute Summarization Here!

Inspired by the Book-A-Minute site (http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/sff.shtml), I’d thought it would be a smashing idea to do our own humorous summaries of our favorite books!
by James Ellroy

Bucky Bleichert

I am obsessed with Elizabeth Short’s grisly murder.
Lee Blanchard

As am I, plus we’re in love with the same woman.

Bucky Bleichert

Too bad, you were nice. Now I have to descend into hellish journey through the underbelly of post-war Hollywood, to the core of the dead girl’s twisted life, past the extremes of our own psyches–into a region of total madness.

(He finds the murderer but CAN’T tell anyone.)

The End

by Ursula LeGuin


What a strange, androgynous planet this is. Estraven, you are my only friend here.

I’ll always be on your side. No I won’t. Piss off.

*(Estraven is BANISHED. Ai is IMPRISONED. He ESCAPES with the help of Estraven. Everything is really FUCKING COLD.)[/i}

I guess I misunderstood your ways.

Ursula LeGuin

Men are silly.

Lord of the Rings:

This ring is bad. It should be destroyed.
I’m going to be king.
(Many dramatic battles and inner struggles)
The ring was destroyed.
Now I’m king.

Crap! I already posted on your other fricking thread!

Oh well. Two can play at that game,** Torgo** old bean. You double up on the threads, I’ll simply…quote myself! Incestuous, perhaps, but I didn’t type all that crap just to watch it sink out of sight instantly. Ahem:

And one to grow on:

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

HUCK: I’ll run away and help Jim to freedom.

(Some time later…)

TOM: Turns out he was already free. Cool, huh?

JIM: Thanks a load.


…frickin’ double thread rassa frassa…

Tee-hee. :smiley:

The Amazing Adventures of Kavlier and Clay by Michael Chabon
(SPOILERS, I guess…)

KAVALIER: I don’t like Nazis!
CLAY: I don’t like women! Let’s make comic books together!
[ years pass ]
KAVALIER: I’m going to kill Nazis. Marry my girlfriend for me.
CLAY: Will do.
[ years pass ]
KAVALIER: I’m back.
CLAY: Here she is. See ya!


KAVALIER: Wait, I thought this was supposed to be about comic books?
CHABON: I got distracted.

For all you Diana Gabaldon fans (Outlander series) out there, here’s a great link to her books-in-a-minute from a message board devoted to the series. They are hilarious!

Nine Princes in Amber, by Roger Zelazny.

CORWIN: Hi. I lost my memory. Please don’t notice.

RANDOM: Ok. Wanna go to Amber?

CORWIN: Um…yes?


CORWIN: I have my memory back! Let’s form an army and attack!

BLEYS: Okay.

(they DO, and LOSE)

ERIC: Burn out his eyes!



CORWIN: Hey, my eyes are back! Dworkin, draw me an escape!!

(he DOES. Corwin ESCAPES.)

I read this and laughed, then glanced over to see who posted it. Might have known. Another great one, Nithy! Thanks.


** 1984 **

Winston: “I hate Big Brother.”
Julia: “Me too! Let’s have sex!”
Thought Police: “Gotcha!”
(Off to Room 101 for tourtre and brainwashing.)
Winston: “I love Big Brother!”

** Brave New World **

Bernard: “I’m short and ugly and pissed about it.”
Lenina: “I’m happy with casual sex and soma!”
Savage: “This place sucks!”
(Savage commits suicide.)

** Interview With The Vampire **

Louis: * “(Whine!) I hate being a vampire!”
Lestat: “I think it’s fun! Let’s have a baby!”
Claudia: “I hate Lestat.”
(Claudia dies)
(Lestat is injured)
Louis: “(Whine!) I hate being a vampire!”

** Gone With the Wind **

Scarlett: “I love you, Ashley!”
Ashley: “Sorry 'bout that. I love Melanie.”
Scarlett: “Fiddle Dee Dee!”
(War breaks out. Tara is trashed.)
Rhett: “I love you, Scarlett!”
Scarlett: “Fiddle Dee Dee! I love Ashley!”
(Melanie dies.)
Scarlett: “Oh my gosh! I love Rhett, not Ashley!”
Rhett: “Sorry 'bout that. I don’t give a damn.”
Scarlett: “Fiddle Dee Dee!”


OEDIPUS: Hi. This is my wife.
MESSENGER: Uh . . . that’s your mom.
(Puts out his eyes)
OEDIPUS: Does that make things better?
PEOPLE OF THEBES: Not really, no. Get out of here.

LYSISTRATA by Aristophanes

MEN OF ATHENS: We’re off to war!
LYSISTRATA: No sex until it’s over.
MEN OF ATHENS: Okay, we’ll stop.
LYSISTRATA: That was easy.

PARADISE LOST by John Milton

GOD: Whatever you do, don’t eat that.
SATAN: Oh, go ahead.
EVE: Crunch.
ADAM: Chomp.
GOD: Hit the road, you two.
SATAN: Snicker.

OTHELLO by William Shakespeare

IAGO: Your wife’s sleeping around.
OTHELLO: I’ll kill her!
(He does.)
IAGO: Just kidding!

The last third of ULYSSES by James Joyce:

MOLLY BLOOM: Boy, I’ve got a dirty mind.

Ghost: Avenge me!
Hamlet: What?
Ghost: Avenge me!
Hamlet: Maybe.

Claudius: It’s good to be the king
Hamlet: ::brood::
Gertrude: Did you say something dear?
Hamlet: Only to myself.

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect.
Hamlet: Wrong play
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: oh, sorry.

Hamlet: To be or not to be…
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: Not to be
Ophelia: Not to be
Fortinbras: Have I been cut out again?
Laertes: Not to be
Gertrude: Not to be
Polonius: Not to be
Yorick: Definitely not to be
Hamlet: Give me some more time to decide…oh wait, poison. Righty oh. Not to be.


KINNISON: Gosh, gee! I now have this swell glowing wristwatch that gives me psychic powers.

CHIEF: We’re also promoting you to super duper answer-to-no-one rank.

ARISIANS: And giving you more psychic powers.

KINNISON: Good thing I’m not a woman, or I’d never have gotten any of this stuff!

SPACE PIRATE: I’m evil! You’re in my clutches!

KINNISON: I’ve escaped by hypnotizing a spider! Now, take that, space pirate!
And as the slugs tore through and through his body, that was THE END!

danielu@microsoft.com: I work at Microsoft. I am a disaffected symbol of my generation.
CO-WORKERS: We’re going to leave Douglas Coupland’s two-weeks-of-research version of Redmond and start a company in Douglas Coupland’s two-months-of-research version of Cupertino.
DANIEL: I’m in.
[ later ]
DANIEL: All this work and yet I am no closer to learning more about The Human Condition.
KARLA: Your mother has had a stroke. She can communicate only through this Macintosh computer.
MOM: i am here
DANIEL: Truly we have learned that computers are simply tools for helping us understand one another.

**It ** By Stephen King

Bill: “There’s a monster killing little kids. Let’s kill it!”
Six other friends: “Okay!”
(Monster is felled by slingshot. Kids rejoice.)
(Twenty-eight years later)
Mike: “Oh, shit, it isn’t dead after all. Guys, get back here and finish the job!”
Remaining friends: “Okay!”
(Monster is felled by slingshot. Everybody goes home.)

** Guns, Germs, and Steel ** By Jared Diamond

The Europeans had guns, germs and steel. The natives did not, so the Europeans won.
** Cosmos ** By Carl Sagan

There’s a lot of cool shit in space. Check out the pictures!

** Memoirs of a Geisha ** by Arthur Golden

Sayuri: “I don’t want to be a geisha. Hey, look at that guy! I changed my mind!”
Mahema: “I’ll help you.”
Hatsumomo: “I’ll try to destory you, but will fall victim to my own corruption and evil.”
WW II breaks out. Sayuri gets her man.

** Animal Farm ** By George Orwell

Animals: “Two legs bad, four legs good. But birds are okay, too.”
Pigs: “Let’s symbolize the corruption of the Marxist ideal by taking power and keeping all of the other animals hungry while we live in luxury!”
Animals: “Well, we may be hungry and overworked, but at least it’s better than it was under the tyranny of the farmer!”
Or is it?

Of Mice and Men

GEORGE: Lenny, lets work on this farm.
LENNY: Okay.
[Works on farm]
LENNY: George, I killed this girl
GEORGE: Oh, that’s okay.
[George kills Lenny]

The Giver by Lois Lowry

Jonas: I’m about to be a Twelve (with a capital T!)
Elders: And you’ll have a strange job.
Jonas: Huh?
Elders: You were not assigned, you were selected.
Jonas: Huh?
Elders: You are the new Receiver (with a capital R!)
Jonas: Huh?
Giver: Look Jonas, colors, feelings, happiness, death, the world!
Jonas: Wow!
(Jonas and Gabe run away)
Lois Lowry: But you don’t really know how it ends, do you?
Reader: No, it’s quite ambiguous.

The Dark Elf Dodecology
Drizzt’s family: Hah! I have a new and original plan for killing Drizzt! I will attack him!
[Drizzt’s family is killed]

Akar Kessel: Hah! I have a new and original plan for killing Drizzt! I will attack him!
[Akar Kessel is killed]

Artemis Enteri: Hah! I have a new and original plan for killing Drizzt! I will attack him!
[Artemis Enteri is defeated]

Misc. Drow: Hah! I have a new and original plan for killing Drizzt! I will attack him!
[Drow are defeated]

Balor: Hah! I have a new and original plan for killing Drizzt! I will attack him!
[Balor is defeated]

1000 orcs: Hah! We have a-
[Drizzt kills orcs out of boredom]

1000 orcs

I stole this one from Just Shoot Me:

Angela’s Ashes
We’re hungry!
Dad’s drunk!
We’re hungry!
Dad’s drunk!

My own:
Left Behind
The Rapture is here! We are saved!
Hey, wait a minute! Why am I still on Earth!?

Bridget Jones Diary
Bridget:This is what I ate. This is what I smoked. Everybody I know is stupid. I wanna screw my boss.
Everyone Bridget knows: Aren’t I a cute bundle of flaws and nerosis?
Bridget’s Boss: Aren’t I a jerk?
Bridget: Give me some cake, a beer, a few fags and a lottery ticket.

Bridges of Madison County
Her: I’m middle aged.
Him: Me too.
Her: Wanna screw?
Him: Sure, but I gotta go and you gotta stay.
Her: O.K…

Tamburlaine, Part I
by Christopher Marlowe

RANDOM MIDDLE-EASTERN POTENTATE: I’m going to crush that upstart Tamburlaine! He is but a lowly shepherd!
TAMBURLAINE: Hey, underling, help me to overthrow your monarch and I’ll give you lots of booty!
TAMBURLAINE: Behold, I am the mighty Tamburlaine, and I’ve come to kick your butt!
RANDOM MIDDLE-EASTERN POTENTATE: Alas! I have been defeated by Tamburlaine!

(Repeat ad nauseam.)

Brothers Karamazov

Alexei: I’m good
Ivan: I’m bad
Dmitri: I’m both
Smerdyokov: I’m epileptic
Fyodor(their father): I’m really bad and obnoxious
(Fyodor dies)
Alexei: I know it’s not me, but it could be either Ivan or Dmitri.
Ivan: Oh, it’s Smerdyokov, but I implied he should do it and am responsible as well.
Dmitri: I wish I wasn’t in prison.
Alexei: Yeah, me too.