Write Your Book-a-Minute Summarization Here!

Cafe Society
21

War and Peace:

Napolean: Hmmm…I’m going to conquer the world
Pierre: I’m lazy and fat, but rich.
Andrei: War could make me a hero.
Pierre: Oh, I’m a coward too and nearly killed a man. Better run off and find myself involved with world affairs.
Andrei: War really doesn’t make you a hero.
Napolean: Seriously, I’m coming for you, Russia.
All of Moscow: Let’s ditch this joint.
Pierre: I’m going to kill Napolean…or help save the day.
Andrei: Crap, I’m dying. I hope my son turns out okay.
His son: I will, for I want to be a man who makes you proud!
Tolstoy: Why does anything happen? I don’t know and neither does anyone.

The End.

22

A Farewell to Arms, by Ernest Hemingway:

Frederick: I like driving an ambulance in the war.
(explosion)
Frederick: I *liked driving an abulance in the war. Now I’m really hurt.
Catherine: I can make you feel better all over…including your leg.
Frederick: Falling in love? Me? I love you, Catherine.
Catherine: I love you, Frederick.
(they do it and live together)
Catherine: I’m pregnant.
Frederick: Sweet.
Catherine: Whoa, this is one serious pregnancy. I’m not going to make it.
(she dies)
Frederick: No! At least I have the baby, though.
Ernest Hemingway: Not so fast there, Freddy.
(baby dies)
Frederick: No!
It rains.

The end.

23

Harry Turtledove’s “American Empire” series:

EVERYONE WHO DIDN’T GET KILLED IN GREAT WAR: Gosh, now that the war’s over, it’s even harder to distinguish us from one another.

JAKE FEATHERSTON: Achtung! Achtung!

24

No, no, no.

Lord of the Rings

A bunch of characters get obcessed with a piece of costume jewlery that they are all sure accesorizes their outfit.

Mostly bad people die to get it, good wins in the end, and a victory for fashion is made.

25

** The Autobiography of King Henry VII** By Margaret George

  • I’m Henry the Eighth, I am,
    Henry the Eighth, I am, I am.
    I got married to the widow next door,
    I’ve been married FIVE TIMES before!

Killed two of them for cheatin’ on me
I ditched one as ugly as can be.
Had a kid but it made one dead,
Broke with the Pope to get Anne in bed!

Killed a couple advisors and some pesky relatives,
Ev’rybody hates me and I’m wonderin’ what gives?
Now, I’m sick and cranky and weigh a metric ton,
Now I’ll kick the bucket, but at least I had a son.

** Memoirs of Cleopatra ** By Margaret George

Cleopatra: Rome is an inch away from invading. Who’s the boss? Ceasar? Oh, Ceasar, I love you!
Ceasar: Well, you look like you know what you’re doing. You can remain queen. Wanna have sex?
Cleopatra: And how!
(Ceasar dies.)
Cleopatra: “Well, shit! Who’s the boss now? Antony? Antony, I love you!”
Antony: “Wanna have sex? Wanna go to war?”
Cleopatra: “And how!”
(They lose war.)
Cleopatra: “Well, shit! Who’s the boss now? Octavian?”
(Octavian isn’t interested in having sex.)
Cleopatra: “Where’s my snake?”

26

THREE SISTERS by Anton Chekhov:

IRINA: I wish we were in Moscow.

OLGA: I hate my job.

MASHA: My husband’s a doofus. Maybe I’ll have an affair.

IRINA: I wish we were in Moscow.

CHEBUTYKIN: Hey, Masha, your boyfriend got killed in a duel.

MASHA: Oh, no!

IRINA: I wish we were in Moscow.

27

The Stranger By Albert Camus

Main Character: I’m wierd and detached and have no name.
M.C. would you like to have sex instead of going to my mother’s funeral?
Girl: Okay.

M.C. I don’t like Arabs… Hey there’s one now, his friend is dating my sister. BANG BANG

Prosecuter: This man is wierd and detached, and has no name, plus he had sex instead of going to his mother’s funeral, he should die.
Prosecuter: Oh and he also killed an Arab.
Jury: We think he should die too.
Judge: Okay He’ll die.

28

Where’s Waldo?

Walking behind a mannequin in a red-and-white-striped-shirt store. Or some other ridiculous place.

29

ALL VampChron

Lestat: I’m so pretty!

Someone ELSE: No, you’re a monster and you can’t change!

Lestat: ::whines:: But I didn’t have a CHOICE! ::cries::

30

Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

Billy Pilgrim: I’ve become unstuck in time!

The Tralfamadorians: People die all the time and none of their deaths mean anything.

Billy Pilgrim: So it goes.

Bird: Poo-tee-weet.

Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs

Burroughs: I will depict prepubescent children having sex with half-men, half-monsters, and because I’m a stoner and it’s the 1960’s they will call it art.

Subculture: Burroughs is a genius!

Treviathan: Where’s my lighter?

31

He’s strong to the finach
'Cause he eats his spinach,
He’s Henry the Eighth, He am! (toot toot!)

32

TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY
by John LeCarre
George Smiley

I’m fat, old and retired and my wife cheats on me. Poo.
MI5

There’s a double agent in our ranks. We need you to find him but we can’t help you.
George Smiley

Okay. It’s this guy, the one my wife’s been screwing. I’m tired. I’m going home.
THE END

33

Baz Luhrman’s Romeo + Juliet

Romeo Juliet, you’re hot. But our families would never approve. I’m going.
Juliet I’ll pretend to kill myself. Be sure to tell Romeo, Friar Lawrence
Friar Lawrence FedEx costs too much. I’ll send the message first class.
Romeo Juliet’s dead. I’ll kill myself.
Juliet I’m not dead.
Romeo Oops. But we make pretty corpses, don’t we?

Richard III*
Richard I’m Bad.
Other characters Richard is Bad
Richard does bad things
Richard I’m Bad.
Henry Tudor Richard is bad. Let’s kill him.
Richard Anyone have a horse? Trade you for it.
Dies
All He was bad.

Cyrano de Bergerac
Cyrano I have a big nose, a quick wit, and a sword. And I love Roxanne.
Roxanne I love Christian. Help him, Cyrano.
Christian Hi, Cyano. You have a big nose.
Cyrano What a dolt. I’ll help you woo Roxanne.
Christian dies. Many years pass.*
Cyarno It was me all along, Roxanne. Too bad my head’s been bashed in. Dies

*Inspired by John-Allen Price.

34

100 YEARS OF SOLITUDE
by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Here’s a story with about a thousand characters, several hundred of which share the same name.
Reader

Marquez is God.
Reader

Wait…is this guy Jose’s son…or nephew? Maybe Aureliano’s grandson? Where’s the page with the family tree? The hell with this.

THE END

from Tom the Dancing Bug:

THE RABBIT TETRALOGY
by John Updike
Rabbit

I’m bored. I’m leaving you.
Janice

I’m bored. I’m leaving you.
Rabbit

Oh yeah? Well I–ah screw it.

(Dies)

THE END

35

WE WERE THE MULVANEYS
by Joyce Carol Oates
Dad

What a great family we have.
Marianne

I’ve been raped.
Mom

You’re outta here.
Dad

Glug, glug, glug.

(Dies)
Mulvaneys

Dad’s dead, now everything’s better.
Joyce Carol Oates

Eat toe fungus, men.
THE END

36

Sorry for the length…

East of Eden
by John Steinbeck

Steinbeck: The Civil War and a bunch of other stuff happens before the story really starts.

Adam: I love you, Cathy.

Cathy: Yeah, whatever.
(Cathy sleeps with Adam’s brother)

Adam: I love you so much. Let’s move to California.

Cathy: I don’t want to move to California.

Adam: Great! Let’s go.
(Cathy sleeps with Adam’s brother)

Steinbeck: It’s the 20th century now. A bunch of stuff happens. By the way, communism is bad.

Lee: Welcome to California, I’m your Chinese manservant. I pretend I don’t speak English, but I really do. I represent ancient wisdom.

Samuel: I’m your neighbor. I represent the spirit of American ingenuity and perseverance.

Cathy: I’m pregnant.
(Cathy has twin boys)

Adam: I love you and our sons so much!

Cathy: Whatever. I’m not even sure they’re yours. By the way, I’m leaving you to become the most notorious whore in the state.
(Cathy shoots Adam)

Adam: Ouch. Boo hoo hoo. I loved her so much. Boo hoo hoo.

Steinbeck: 10 years pass. A bunch of unimportant stuff happens.

Adam: Boo hoo hoo. I loved her so much. Boo hoo hoo.

Samuel: I’m old and dying. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and be a father to your sons!

Adam: Boo hoo hoo. Okay, I’m over it. I have sons?

Aron: I’m the good son.

Cal: I’m the bad son.

Lee: I still represent ancient wisdom, but for some reason I’ve stopped pretending I don’t speak English. Do you want to smoke some opium and discuss theology?

Cathy: I changed my name to Kate and became the most notorious whore in the state. And everyone knows that I’m your wife.

Steinbeck: Some more unimportant stuff happens. World war I starts.

Adam: I love you so much, Aron. You’re the good son.

Aron: Yeah, whatever.

Cal: I love you, father, and try really hard to make you happy.

Adam: Yeah, whatever. You’re the bad son.

Cal: Grr! Hey, Aron, did you know our mother is the most notorious whore in the state?

Aron: I’m so ashamed. I’m going to join the army and get shipped overseas.
(Aron dies in World War I)

Kate: I’m the most notorious whore in the state. I made tons of money and have dirt on every important man in northern California, but somehow I’m still not happy. I guess I’ll kill myself.
(Kate kills herself)

Lee: Adam, Aron died and Kate killed herself.

Adam: Boo hoo hoo. I loved them both so much.
(Adam dies)

Lee: Life sucks. I’m going to go smoke some opium.

The End

37

(1) TIMON OF ATHENS by William Shakespeare

TIMON: I love everybody! Here’s a wheelbarrow full of money for all of you!
EVERYBODY: Yay!
TIMON: Uh-oh; now I’m broke.
EVERYBODY: Too bad.
TIMON: I hate everybody!

The End.

(2) HAMLET, PRINCE OF DENMARK by William Shakespeare

HAMLET: My life sucks.
GHOST: Avenge me, Hamlet!
HAMLET: Okay. Well, maybe not. No, I’ll do it! Well, maybe not. No, I will ! . . . Hey, how did everybody end up dead?

The End.

(3) THE FORTUNES & MISFORTUNES OF THE FAMOUS MOLL FLANDERS, WHO WAS BORN IN NEWGATE, AND DURING A LIFE OF CONTINUED VARIETY FOR THREESCORE YEARS, BESIDES HER CHILDHOOD, WAS TWELVE YEAR A WHORE, FIVE TIMES A WIFE (WHEREOF ONCE TO HER OWN BROTHER), TWELVE YEAR A THIEF, EIGHT YEAR A TRANSPORTED FELON IN VIRGINIA, AT LAST GREW RICH, LIVED HONEST & DIED A PENITENT: WRITTEN FROM HER OWN MEMORANDUMS by Daniel Defoe

The End

38

Ha! Let me add another along the same line…

I, Claudius : From the Autobiography of Tiberius Claudius, Born 10 B.C., Murdered and Deified A.D. 54
by Robert Graves

The End

39

A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley

Larry Cook: I am a symbol of oppressive patriarchy! I poison the female land! Cook my meals, woman!

Ginny and Rose: We will usurp your traditional role and establish gender equality.

Jane Smiley: Hmm…I don’t think my painfully simple gender politics are clear enough. Let’s make Larry a molester to boot.

(Ginny and Rose FAIL, because patriarchy is omnipresent. Rose DIES, and Ginny loses EVERYTHING.)

William Shakespeare, in grave: Oy vey. (rolls)

40

<B>Wonder Boys</B> by Michael Chabon

Grady Tripp: My name is Grady Tripp and I have writer’s block. This is James Leer. He is my student and housemate and he is obsessed with how famous movie stars died.

Leer: Then I accidentally shot the dog belonging to the head of the English department and we hid the body in the trunk of a car.

Sara: I am the wife of the English Department chaorman and I;ve been sleeping with Mr. Tripp. In fact, I’m Pregant.

All: And that’s all we’ll say