Ishmael Call me Ishmael. I went whaling. Ahab I’m crazy. Catch the white whale. Starbuck You’re crazy, but I’m not going to try to stop you. Herman Melville Dear reader, here is everything you want to know about whaling, in deep detail. Ahab Ahoy, ship! Have you seen the white whale? Melville Here’s even more detail about whaling, including the whale’s penis. Ahab Ahoy, ship! Have you seen the white whale? (repeat)
Finally: Ship Yes, we saw the white whale. He’s a bastard. Ahab Kill the white whale. Ishmael Coffins make good lifeboats.
All characters: “Where are my pills?”
** Twillight of American Culture ** By Morris Berman
Everybody is stupid. Look, I have the statistcs to prove it.
** Wuthering Heights **
Heathcliffe: “I’m poor, and rebllious, but I love you, Cathy”
Cathy: “I’m rebellious, and a bit of a bitch. Nice that you love me, but I’m marrying Linton.”
(Heathcliffe runs away! Comes back! Cathy is pregnant! They declare their love! Cathy dies in childbirth!)
Heathcliffe: “Well, this is a kick in the pants. I think I’ll torture her daughter to prove my undying love for Cathy.”
(Heathcliffe dies, after being visited by Cathy’s ghost.)
** The Catcher in the Rye **
Teen angst.
** Metamophisis ** By Kafka
Guy turns into a giant bug for no apparent reason. Family is horrified, and feeds him rotten fruit. Bug dies, everyone is relieved.
** The Bible ** by God
Naked couple in garden eat God’s private stash of fruit, and are evicted. God decides to make things interesting and grant eternal job security to the translator indsustry at Tower of Babel. Flood scene. Job is tortured by the Devil to settle bet with God. Ruth is nice to ex-mother in law, and it wins her a new husband. Esther saves Jews. Jonah is eaten and then vomited up by big fish. Samson is strong until slutty girlfriend finds his Achilles Heel. Song of Solomon contains mildly racy love poems. David becomes king of Israel, followed by lengthy section of open-verse poetry. Isreal is at war! Again and again! Nice guy named Jesus is born, and preaches novel moral: “Go forth, and be excellent to each other.” Pisses off clerics and is killed. Followers spread message.
** Anna Kareninana **
Anna cheats on husband with hot lover. Loses family as result. Fears lover is cheating. Throws herself under train. Bad Anna.
“I forgot to return those damn videotapes again”, I mutter.
The girl on the couch hasn’t noticed all the newspaper on the floor. The axe lies beside my chair, just out of sight.
Next day, I spend half the damn morning trying to get reservations at Deck Chairs, the new resteraunt on the upper east side. I’m wearing a worsted wool pin-stripe suit from Gucci, $2455. “How did that lucky bastard get the Fisher account?” I wonder.
In the cab on the way home, I count the bums as we weave through the New York traffic. I contemplate what I should do with the call-girl’s head in my Freezer.
That night, I’m in Tunnel. I’m pretty buzzed already. The coat check girl flirts with me. “I want to play with your blood”, I say. She just smiles. She’s wearing Jimmy Choo loafers, but the effect is spoilt by the cheap non-designer leather pants. I look up, and see Paul walking along the stage. The sign above his head reads “This is not an exit”.
VITO: It’s my son’s wedding day!
SONNY’s WIFE: My husband has a huge penis! Cut to Sonny banging maid of honor.
… Various people die
MICHAEL: I know, lets just kill a bunch of people because we can!
FREDO: I have chlamydia.
Mort
Death: MY DAUGHTER NEEDS A BOYFRIEND.
Mort: I’m clumsy and I need a job.
Death’s Daughter: Eww! I’m off to read about dead people.
Death: COLLECT THAT PRINCESS AFTER SHE’S ASSASSINATED.
Mort: She’s too cute to die…DUCK!
Princess: I’m not dead. Really. Hey, I’m over here!
Death: THAT WASN’T WHAT I HAD IN MIND.
Mort: Too bad! I’ll fight ya.
Death’s Daughter: Me too!
Death: OK, WE’D BETTER REORGANIZE THE COSMOS THEN.
Kelli: Yay, I’m still alive!
Mort: Let’s get hitched, have a disturbing daughter & die.
Death’s Daughter: 'K
Its the depression. People are depressed. There is no food. They get in the car. 2486453 pages later, the exact colour of the dust has been described accurately, and a turtle’s death detailed. It’s still the depression. They are no longer in the car. They still have no food. People are still depressed.
Any of the Harry Potter books:
Harry: My parents are dead, and Lord Voldemort is out to get me.
Lord Voldemort: I’m out to get you Harry.
Everyone Else: Lord Voldemort is not out to get you.
(Lord Voldemort tries to get Harry. Fails.)
Harry: I told you he was out to get me. My parents are still dead.
Everyone Else: Well, he’s gone now.
(And then the next book starts)
A while ago, someone actually wrote four novels set in the DOOM universe (you know, the 1st person shoot-'em-up game). So, here’s the book-a-minute summarization of the first book in that 4-book series: Doom: Knee Deep in the Dead
Anne: I’m so glad I’m going to have a family at last!
Marilla: You’re not a boy!
Matthew: But we’ll keep ya.
Anne: What a great bringing up! My hat is plain, so I’ll put some flowers on it.
Matthew: Don’t be so strict, Marilla.
Anne: I hate you Gilbert Blythe!
[Matthew dies]
Marilla: I shouldn’t have been so strict.
Anne: Let’s be friends, Gilbert Blythe!
(Isreali jet crashes in the 70s with nuke onboard, cut to today, some evil arabic terrorist finds the nuke)
JACK RYAN: Hi I am Jack Ryan and I kick ass in this book, but I will be played by a pathetic pansy when the movie comes out.
(Terrorists instantly become adept at nuclear physics and construct bomb, detonation occurs in Denver at the Super Bowl)
U.S. You Bombed us!!
Russia: You are going to bomb us!!
President: Launch the nukes------
Ryan: Wait. It was terrorists. You forgot that today was a threat condition orange day, and so it has to be terrorists.
Russia and US: Hahaha silly terrorists
(John Clark tortures some terrorists, everyone lives happily ever after, except the people that got blown up)
Paul:
“This really, really sucks. But at least I get to hang out with a bunch of cool guys.”
Kat:
“Yeah, and we get to hide out in this destroyed house and eat this goose we stole.”
Paul:
“That’s right. It’s all ok if a bunch of guys who have nothing in common except they get to kill a lot of foreigners together can eat stolen goose.”