Beowulf, Part 1
HROTHGAR: Oh no, a monster is eating my people.
BEOWULF: I will save the day!
GRENDEL: Ouch, my arm!
SCYLDINGS: Hooray!
(Grendel’s mother STEALS the arm and EATS drunk warriors.)
HROTHGAR: Oh no!
BEOWULF: I will save the day.
(Beowulf FIGHTS Grendel’s mother.)
GRENDEL’S MOTHER: dies
HROTHGAR: Here, have some treasure Beowulf.
SCYLDINGS: Hooray!
ATLAS SHRUGGED
Dagney Taggert: It’s all about me.
Hank Reardon: It’s all about me.
John Galt: It’s all about me.
The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway
Geezer kills fish.
HEMINGWAY: I’m getting paid by the word.
CRITICS: He’s so terse!
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
CATHERINE: Heathcliff, I love you so much that I hate you.
HEATHCLIFF: Catherine, I hate you so much that I love you.
A bunch of miserable stuff happens to a bunch of miserable people.
THE READER: Man, summer reading sucks. I wonder what’s on TV.
Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
Narrator: I am Jack’s need to buy Ikea furniture and go to support groups every night.
Tyler: Too bad about your Ikea furniture getting blown up. You can move in with me at my soap factory, heh heh.
Narrator: I am Jack’s paradigm shift.
Tyler: Let’s make a club where guys fight. By the way, here’s how to make napalm, here’s how to create terrorist cells, here’s how to press the reset button on Western culture. Oh yeah, and don’t talk to that chick that I’m banging.
Narrator: I am Jack’s uneasy feeling that things are getting out of hand.
Tyler: So, you talked to that chick, huh? Well, too late because my plan worked perfectly and we can both watch society crumble as we bleed to death.
THE END
Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
Victor: Ever since I dropped out of med school, my life has no meaning. Even pretending to be a sex addict isn’t all that great. And I don’t know what to make of my crazy mother. I know, I’ll pretend I’m choking at restaurants so that people will save me. Dude, come with me.
Denny: Dude, free food? I’m there.
Dr. Paige Marshall: Your mother is dying. I will try to get you to reconnect with her. In saving her, you will save yourself.
Victor: Uh, okay.
LATER
Victor: Dude, I figured it out, I’m Jesus and can perform miracles. And I’m in love with Dr. Paige Marshall. And my life makes perfect sense. My life has actual meaning!
Denny: Dude, whatever, I’m working on my rock collection.
Nurse: There’s something you should know about Dr. Paige Marshall…
Victor: Everything I know is wrong.
THE END
Kids Say The Darndest Things Books by Art Linkletter
Art Linkletter: [Innocuous Question]
Random Kid: [Darndest Thing]
THE END
The REAL War and Peace 1-Minute version
It’s about Russia.
(quoted in its entirety from Woody Allen, who claims he took an Evelyn Woods Reading Dynamics Course and then read all of War and Peace on an airplane from New York to Los Angeles)
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The Peloponnesian War by Thucydides
The lacyrhomisanians [Spartans] said:
We say this because of that and not because of this other thing or this other thing or this other thing so you should do this because of that and not this other thing.
But the bicballpointisosians [Turks] and smalldustbunniesunderthebedians [Milwaukeeans] didn’t do this.
So the Athenians said
We say this because of that and not because of this other thing or this other thing or this other thing so you should do this because of that and not this other thing.
So the webfootians [Athenian allies] and bigtitians [Spartan allies] went to war.
Then a plague hit the bronxzooians [Athenians]. Spyrocetos [Pericles] died. The bronxzooians lost. The fools.
The Caves of Steel by Isaac Asimov
Elijah: I hate and distrust all robots
Daneel: I am a robot that looks just like a man.
Elijah: You are my best friend.
The Naked Sun by Isaac Asimov
Elijah: I hate being outdoors.
Daneel: I am a robot that looks just like a man.
Elijah: You are my best friend.
The Robots of Dawn by Isaac Asimov
Elijah: I’m in denial about my attraction to Gladia.
Daneel: I am a robot that looks just like a man.
Elijah: You are my best friend.
Robots and Empire by Isaac Asimov
Elijah: I’m incredibly old and decrepit.
(Elijah dies)
Daneel: He was my best friend.
The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkein
Gandalf and the Dwarves: Come with us!!
Bilbo: No, thank you. I can’t right now. I have scones baking, you see?
Gandalf and the Dwarves: Come with us!!
He goes, lots of stuff happens and Bilbo finds a ring that makes him invisible. He uses it to kill a dragon who, judging by his name, is the root cause for air pollution.
Bilbo: I’m going home to write a book now.
Gandalf: I’ll see you later.
The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand
ROARK: I’m talented but not successful.
DOMINIQUE: You’re also hot. Rape me.
ROARK: OK. (he does)
KEATING: I’m successful, but not hot or talented.
DOMINIQUE: You’re right. Let’s get married. (they do)
WYNAND: I’m talented and successful, but not hot.
DOMINIQUE: Works for me! (they get married)
ROARK: Guess what - now I’m hot and talented AND successful!
DOMINIQUE: Well then, call me Mrs. Roark! (he doesn’t, because that would be sexist. But he thinks it.)
It’s slightly more correct to say
** The Bible ** by God’s Holy Ghost-Writers
Wheel of Time Series by Robert Jordan
Interesting plot outlined.
Nynaeve pulls braid.
Thousands and thousands of pages go by.
Stuff tastes like ashes in someone’s mouth.
More pages go by.
Plot is never advanced again.
My Dark Places
James Ellroy: “My mother was murdered almost 50 years ago. Do you know who did it?”
Bill Stoner: “No.”
The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner.
Benji: Caddy smelled like trees. (bellows)
Quentin: Caddy is a dishonorable whore, and I am in love with her. (kills himself)
Jason: Caddy is a dishonorable whore, and I hate everyone. (hates everyone)
Dilsey: This family’s nuts.
Caddy: And they all need to get laid more often.
The Commitments by Roddy Doyle
Jimmy: Let’s start a band!
Other Band members: OK!
Audience: Wow, we really like them!
Band members: But we hate each other.
(The band breaks up.)
Well, they almost do.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by blanx *
**Wheel of Time Series by Robert Jordan
You forgot three very important things:
Somebody says “If [BLANK] were here he’d know how to handle women”.
For no sensible reason somebody keeps information from somebody else which could have fixed everything.
4000 minor characters (all with similar names) appear and dissappear for no reason.
Actually, his name is Meursault.
The Complete Works of Voltaire:
People suck.
Nice people get bitten.
Madame Bovary:
Emma: You know Charles, I’d love to live in town. Hint. Hint.
Charles: Will you marry me and come live in town?
Emma: 'K. … Hey, um, this isn’t as cool as I’d like it to be. I’m depressed.
Charles: How bout we move to a bigger town?
Emma: Like Rouen?
Charles: Okay, not that big.
Emma: Damn you’re boring, Charles. I’m going to take lovers and go into debt living extravagantly to make myself feel better.
Lheureux: Time to pay up or the repo man’s taking everything.
Emma: Well, screw. (takes poison and dies)
ANTIGONE by Sophocles
CREON: Don’t bury your brother.
ANTIGONE: I buried my brother!
CREON: You die, bitch!
CHORUS: Creon locked Antigone in a cave, she dies.
HAEMON: NOO!!!
CHORUS: Haemon killed himself.
CREON: Boy, I was a stupid jerk.
CHORUS: Yep.
Galilee
by Clive Barker
Barbarossas: We hate the Geary’s
Geary’s: We hate the Barbarossas
Galilee: I get to bang any Geary wife i want. They think their making me do this!
Rachel: I need some good sex from a god.
Geary’s: Okay, where did we start losing our wives to gods.
The Black Cat
by Edgar Allen Poe
Wife.
Cat.
Damned cat!
New cat.
Damned cat!!
Damnned wife!!
Cops.
Damned cat!!!
Nitpick: It was Bard who killed the dragon.