Wrong to be Miffed? (traveling and the SO)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Opinions requested please. I have a relatively new SO who is more than a decade older than I am. I’m a couple of years short of 40. We’ve been dating a little less than a year. There’s no question of having children together as both of us have been there/done that. His parents take care of themselves, but are elderly.

The SO has a non-compete work hiatus going on that will continue for the next few months. He wants to travel. I have a job such that getting away for a week is possible as long as there is a decent internet connection. His idea of travel involves exotic locales where a week simply isn’t enough. I support the idea of his traveling, but feel that I need to try to be included, but anything over 2 weeks without me while just traveling is too much.

That said, our travels include a less than 48 hour meeting with my parents, nearly a week in another country with his parents, and nearly a week over the holidays in the States visiting his relatives a several hour, multiple connection flight away. Prior to SO and before exclusivity, I often enjoyed 3-day weekends in other countries taken at the last minute. He’s taken several trips alone to see his parents, and there’s no issue with that.

Preamble done, the SO now wants to go to see his parents with me for a week in the near future. They live in another country, and it’s nice, but still a pain to get to. If we do this 85% of our time will be with his parents. I don’t want to go.

Traveling, to me, is usually about the unknown, and such exploration of a new place is a huge bonding opportunity. This trip would not be fun or exciting and would certainly not be new to him. It’s a huge investment of my money and time for something he does every other month.

On top of this, he still wants to travel to new places while on this sabbatical. Most chances of me joining him will be out the door if I go on the trip to see his parents. This has been conveyed to him in the nicest, nonconfrontational way, but not pressed.

Thoughts on why he’s asking me to do this and if I would be a mean bitch by refusing and asking to rather join him on part of his travels to a place to which neither of us have been? Am I being unreasonable with this line of thinking?

If it matters, I’ll be paying for my own travel expenses no matter what.

2

Seeing his parents so often is obviously a big deal to him. If that’s the time/place/space he enjoys, I can see him wanting to spend that time with you. He wants it all.

Whether you put your foot down about not going, or accept that your leisure time will all go to this, the sooner there’s a discussion about it, the better for the relationship.

Sounds like neither of you really accept/understand the other’s idea of traveling, exotic locale wise, but that’s certainly an easier negotiation than parents.

3

How long have you two been together? Oops never mind. I can’t read apparently.

4

“Oh thanks sweetie, I’d love to spend the time with you and your parents, unfortunately I can’t take that much time off of work, maybe next time when I’m better able to afford the time and money”.

I don’t think you’re mean or unreasonable to refuse at all. It’s all in how you do it. Make it clear that if you could, you’d love to be there.

5

BBJ, I don’t think your line of thinking is unreasonable in the least. If this trip will make it impossible for you to go on future trips to new places that he’s planning, it seems perfectly reasonble for you to not visit his parents this time and go with him on other trips.

6

I agree you aren’t being unreasonable.

Perhaps he doesn’t quite grasp (although intellectually knows) the restraints on your time aren’t the same.

Also - he might not be putting a lot of thought into this - there may not be any “reason”.

7

“I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve spent with your parents, but I’ve got limited vacation availability right now, and I’d really prefer to spend it with just the two of us off doing something new! I’m looking forward to getting to hang out with your parents more in the future, though, and I absolutely do not begrudge your going to be with them on this trip! Please enjoy and give them my best!”

8

We can close the Internet now. It’s been done to perfection.

9

Thanks all so far! ** Canvas Shoes** ideally that would work, but I’d have to turn around the next week and say I have the time and money for Timbuktu.

His parents are very important to him, and if we were just talking a single trip, I’d go. Thanks for addressing my ‘unreasonable’ concern as sometimes it’s hard to be objective.

** Asimovian**, that was almost what I told him already, but he’s not hearing me or understanding me yet. There will need to be firmer discussions to get the point across.

What’s driving me batty is that it is seemingly illogical or insensitive. But, I’ve been known to be quite judgy.

10

Is he worried about his parents? I love Asimovian’s answer, but given that they are elderly AND live in another country, the opportunities for you to hang out with them more in the future might be limited. Okay, yes, anyone’s parents (or anyone, really) could drop dead at any time, but you know, they’re elderly. Maybe your SO has some anxieties around this, a sense of limited time available with the parents that is stressing him out. Maybe he is hoping your presence will make it seem more like a fun vacation and less like an obligatory parental visit.

People’s dynamics with their parents can be complex, and not on the surface … so any of these issues might be lurking underneath. He could describe his relationship with his parents as “great!” and “no pressure!” but families are still complicated.

11

I think that couples owe each other one big visit to the relatives (probably for holidays) every other year, at the least. Couples also have an obligation to accompany each other to smaller long-weekend trips, like friend’s weddings. While this does cut into your “fun” vacation time, it’s a part of being coupled up and acting like a unit. I do think the person with the larger tie to that side of the family or friend group should bankroll as much of that trip as they can.

That said, it seems like you’ve spent plenty of time with his parents. Nobody thinks these things are fun, and it’s understandable that you’d prefer to spend your time and money in a more pleasant way. I think you have a leg to stand on here.

I do think your idea that he shouldn’t be gone for more than two weeks without you is a little over the top. It sucks when you can’t go along, but if someone has the blessing of long stretches of time off, there is no point in spending that hanging around home. There are some kinds of trips that can’t be done even in two or three week stretches, and I pretty much think that whenever someone has the opportunity and inclination to take one, they ought to. Those chances don’t come often in life. While it is a bummer you can’t do it together, well, someone ought to be having some fun. You guys hopefully aren’t planning on kicking off any time soon, and you’ll have plenty of time together in your lives that a month or two won’t really matter too much in the end, but will give him a lifetime of memories.

Do you have similar ideas about where to travel? Could it be that he’s not finding your vacation preferences appealing? I find this the case with my SO at times. He’s more of a beach and plush hotel type, and I’m more of a safari and hostel type. I dismiss a lot of his ideas because they sound expensive and dull to me, and he dismisses mine because they sound uncomfortable and unromantic. We’ve found a few places to meet in the middle, but we may end up wanting to hit a few of our dream destinations solo simply because the other person isn’t in to it.

12

Amen, families are complicated!

Even Sven I think you need to factor age into this. Traveling the world is wonderful and I wouldn’t prevent it for the world. But, he made the decision to get into this and he had to chip really hard at my icy heart to get me to care that he’d be gone more than two weeks. Assurances were.made. Plus, he has a minor daughter and I’m certain he’d make sure to include or see her over any period more than a week. He’s seen half the world already, and, again, I can be flexible with my schedule meaning I could find a way to see him two times for several days if he were away for a month.

My vacation plans are completely non-expectant. In fact he’s the type to prefer poshness whereas I’m fine with a hut with little to no electricity. But posh is great!!!

13

Sounds fair. I think you’ve got your bases covered pretty well.

14

And guess what lawyer made all this paid free-time possible?

Sigh :frowning:

15

If you were a younger couple with a family or aiming to start one, I’d tell you to suck it up and make nice with his family… but you aren’t. You’re together for fun and companionship only, not to commingle families. So I think you’re perfectly reasonable about not wanting to blow money and vacation on his elderly parents.

16

My spouse is also a decade older than me, we’ve done a lot of traveling together and some apart. I’d be right there with you. No how am I spending cash and time, to visit parents in a place I’ve already seen.

My spouse went to SE Asia without me one year, and another year I went without him. That’s just how it works out sometimes, you gotta go with the flow, what makes sense at this moment.

However I am not down with the two week thing. I would find that unreasonable if it was expected of me, and would never dream to impose it on another.

Just keep saying it, if need be say, " just so we’re clear…" And spell it out, he’ll get it eventually.

17

How about if he goes to his parents’ for the week and you join him for the last two days, and you both proceed to your next destination? You get some face-time with his folks, he gets all the time he needs, and you don’t burn all your vacation pointlessly.

StG

18

Thanks again for the replies. The two week thing probably only applies to the current situation as we can both get away to travel with enough forethought so we both want to be included in each others travels to new places. For places where we have already been, including his parents, two weeks or whatever would be fine. It’s more of a lost opportunity thing.

StGermain, that sounds like it would work, but logistics would be crazy to do that. I have spent time with his parents this year, and will do it again next year if things work out. I’m not schlepping off to another continent to see them again and then traveling half a hemisphere somewhere else.

I’ll just have to keep repeating that nicely with logical reasoning included.